Missed my meeting...looking for support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Missed my meeting...looking for support
Last night I let my RAH take the car to go his meeting cos I reckoned his need was worse than mine. He's off sick from work, which he hates with a passion, and is very down.
He has no motivation to change his work situation and I can't help him.
I could have done with a meeting last night to help me detach from his mood and stop my head spinning with thoughts of 'fixing' his situation, which I know I can't, it's up to him.
He's sober 13 years and he's still mourning the career he lost back then, but he's too long out of it to re-enter. Anyway, it's wouldnt be the best environment for him (journalism) he admits that himself, but it's his real love.
Now he's in a dead-end, stultifyingly boring job and has been for 5 years. Most of the year he works horrendously long shifts eg 8.30am to 1 am and he can't hack it much longer.
We had an awful winter last year of his dissatisfaction with the job and me making things worse by trying to find him another one or a course he could do to re-train. He's 52 and his options are limited.
This is really dragging me down today so I guess I'm just letting off steam here. I just spoke to him and he said he'll come out of this slump and I wasn't to worry.
Easier said than done.
I did tell him I couldn't fix him and I knew that.
Doesn't make it much easier to live with tho.
I know there's no easy solution. I'm still new in Alanon and haven't found a sponser yet so I've a long way to go.
Thanks for bearing with me - I don't expect magic answers, honest!
Sophia
He has no motivation to change his work situation and I can't help him.
I could have done with a meeting last night to help me detach from his mood and stop my head spinning with thoughts of 'fixing' his situation, which I know I can't, it's up to him.
He's sober 13 years and he's still mourning the career he lost back then, but he's too long out of it to re-enter. Anyway, it's wouldnt be the best environment for him (journalism) he admits that himself, but it's his real love.
Now he's in a dead-end, stultifyingly boring job and has been for 5 years. Most of the year he works horrendously long shifts eg 8.30am to 1 am and he can't hack it much longer.
We had an awful winter last year of his dissatisfaction with the job and me making things worse by trying to find him another one or a course he could do to re-train. He's 52 and his options are limited.
This is really dragging me down today so I guess I'm just letting off steam here. I just spoke to him and he said he'll come out of this slump and I wasn't to worry.
Easier said than done.
I did tell him I couldn't fix him and I knew that.
Doesn't make it much easier to live with tho.
I know there's no easy solution. I'm still new in Alanon and haven't found a sponser yet so I've a long way to go.
Thanks for bearing with me - I don't expect magic answers, honest!
Sophia
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Good Morning Sophia!!
Do you have any of the Daily Al-Anon Meditation books, yet? I find that they are absolutely wonderful in moments like this! You know, times when I can't get to a meeting, it's too odd an hour to call somebody, my sponsor is busy... the list goes on!! You can order them from several websites, which I find is much easier/convenient for me. Just a thought!
Sounds to me like your sympathy for your husband is really starting to own your life and dictate your moods. I'll run out to my truck and grab my books and see what I can find for ya!!
In the meantime, know that you're not alone! Keep posting!
Blessings to you,
Shannon
Do you have any of the Daily Al-Anon Meditation books, yet? I find that they are absolutely wonderful in moments like this! You know, times when I can't get to a meeting, it's too odd an hour to call somebody, my sponsor is busy... the list goes on!! You can order them from several websites, which I find is much easier/convenient for me. Just a thought!
Sounds to me like your sympathy for your husband is really starting to own your life and dictate your moods. I'll run out to my truck and grab my books and see what I can find for ya!!
In the meantime, know that you're not alone! Keep posting!
Blessings to you,
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Thanks, Shannon!
That's exactly what I did last night - read loads of Courage to Change and One Day at a Time - it did help. I got a little perspective from it.
Yeah, my sympathy for him does take over - i've always been one of life's fixers (sounds really arrogant that) but I want that magic wand to solve everyone's problems. I hate seeing him so miserable - hard to to put up with the atmosphere it generates in the house.
Time to detach, or try anyway..been saying the Serenity prayer too.
And biting my tongue! I'm no saint either!
Sophia x
That's exactly what I did last night - read loads of Courage to Change and One Day at a Time - it did help. I got a little perspective from it.
Yeah, my sympathy for him does take over - i've always been one of life's fixers (sounds really arrogant that) but I want that magic wand to solve everyone's problems. I hate seeing him so miserable - hard to to put up with the atmosphere it generates in the house.
Time to detach, or try anyway..been saying the Serenity prayer too.
And biting my tongue! I'm no saint either!
Sophia x
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I'm glad that you have both books! I don't know what I'd do without them! I did a quick search on compassion and detachment... found this:
July 5 (pg 187 - Courage to Change)
I think the word detachment is often misunderstood. For me, detachment is freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs. This freedom allows me to keep my own identity and still love, care about, and identify with the feelings of others. In fact, I believe that the degree of our humanity can be measured by our ability to know another person's pain and joy. I have been practicing the principles of Al-anon to the best of my abilities for a long time. But when someone in the fellowship shares about having a difficult time, I can go right back to day one. I no longer live with taht type of emotional pain, but I can feel theirs. I can identify without needing to remove their pain. To me, that is an Al-Anon success story.
Today I don't have to like everything my alcoholic loved one says or does, and I don't have to change her, even when I think she's wrong. I continue to learn how to care without taking everything personally.
Today's Reminder
I can detach and still love, still feel. I can learn to take care of my own business while allowing others to tend to theirs. Today I can detach without losing compassion.
"Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge." -George Herbert
Pampering myself helps me to detach from my husband and his business.
:-) Shannon
July 5 (pg 187 - Courage to Change)
I think the word detachment is often misunderstood. For me, detachment is freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs. This freedom allows me to keep my own identity and still love, care about, and identify with the feelings of others. In fact, I believe that the degree of our humanity can be measured by our ability to know another person's pain and joy. I have been practicing the principles of Al-anon to the best of my abilities for a long time. But when someone in the fellowship shares about having a difficult time, I can go right back to day one. I no longer live with taht type of emotional pain, but I can feel theirs. I can identify without needing to remove their pain. To me, that is an Al-Anon success story.
Today I don't have to like everything my alcoholic loved one says or does, and I don't have to change her, even when I think she's wrong. I continue to learn how to care without taking everything personally.
Today's Reminder
I can detach and still love, still feel. I can learn to take care of my own business while allowing others to tend to theirs. Today I can detach without losing compassion.
"Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge." -George Herbert
Pampering myself helps me to detach from my husband and his business.
:-) Shannon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Progress not perfection....don't i know it,for myself,,smile...
You may want to go to steps 2-3.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.This is a great reminder to me,when i let myself get caught up in anothers "stuff".Step3,action-by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God/HP.
Embrace the key of willingness.Let go of self will.I need this reminder myself today.
Its sad,to see folks choose misery.And it is a choice.No matter how stinking a job is one can make the best out of it,and turn those thoughts to hey its great that i have a job.Making the best of any situation,with that Power greater than myself. .When i realize that we do have choices,to be miserable or not,.Even if they have depression.They can make the choice to seek help.I dont have to join in the misey,for this doesnt help anyone really.i can choose to let this get to me too.,or let go,let God.I listen,pray and let it go.Sometimes, humor gladness,happiness will wear of on another too. And sometimes not.Prayer always helps us both.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless you both.
keep on keeping on.One Day At A Time...
You may want to go to steps 2-3.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.This is a great reminder to me,when i let myself get caught up in anothers "stuff".Step3,action-by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God/HP.
Embrace the key of willingness.Let go of self will.I need this reminder myself today.
Its sad,to see folks choose misery.And it is a choice.No matter how stinking a job is one can make the best out of it,and turn those thoughts to hey its great that i have a job.Making the best of any situation,with that Power greater than myself. .When i realize that we do have choices,to be miserable or not,.Even if they have depression.They can make the choice to seek help.I dont have to join in the misey,for this doesnt help anyone really.i can choose to let this get to me too.,or let go,let God.I listen,pray and let it go.Sometimes, humor gladness,happiness will wear of on another too. And sometimes not.Prayer always helps us both.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless you both.
keep on keeping on.One Day At A Time...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Thanks, Shannon and Cap 3
'Detach and still love' - it's essential tho hard to do. If I exhaust myself trying to cheer him up, fix him, be positive etc then the loving feeling drains away and resentment takes hold.
He does have choices, as you said, Cap, and sometimes I think he chooses misery cos what he really wants is drama and attention...I can see another resentment looming. Yes, he's lucky to have a job, a house, a new wife (we're only 2 years married next week), a beautiful daughter , a great son and granddaughter, not to mention a new puppy!
Yet sometimes I feel he prefers to ignore all that and have a good old wallow.
I'm letting off steam now, so don't pay too much attention.
His self -esteem is very low all the time, and I think he's stuck, but he won't hear of extra help beyond AA.
Shannon, pampering is definitely on the cards for me!
Sophia x
'Detach and still love' - it's essential tho hard to do. If I exhaust myself trying to cheer him up, fix him, be positive etc then the loving feeling drains away and resentment takes hold.
He does have choices, as you said, Cap, and sometimes I think he chooses misery cos what he really wants is drama and attention...I can see another resentment looming. Yes, he's lucky to have a job, a house, a new wife (we're only 2 years married next week), a beautiful daughter , a great son and granddaughter, not to mention a new puppy!
Yet sometimes I feel he prefers to ignore all that and have a good old wallow.
I'm letting off steam now, so don't pay too much attention.
His self -esteem is very low all the time, and I think he's stuck, but he won't hear of extra help beyond AA.
Shannon, pampering is definitely on the cards for me!
Sophia x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Sophia,,way to go!!!.Re-read your first few sentences....smile...See you know what to do.You have the solution...
I dont try to fix,or make another person anything.,other that what they are.Boy i learned the hard way that is just doesnt work and really its my will im using again,if i try.If another is in a bad mood and im not,then,i dont join them in this.,bad mood.I will listen to them,yupper.And,I continue being who i am in da moment.Not trying to make another get out of their mood.No intentions on my part.And just being my happy go lucky self in da moment,another,may decide to change,because,they want to,and got caught up in my mood.Like i can at times get caught up in their moods,too.But me fix folks?No way!!!!!!...lolOr with intentions to change them?No way...hehheeee
I dont try to fix,or make another person anything.,other that what they are.Boy i learned the hard way that is just doesnt work and really its my will im using again,if i try.If another is in a bad mood and im not,then,i dont join them in this.,bad mood.I will listen to them,yupper.And,I continue being who i am in da moment.Not trying to make another get out of their mood.No intentions on my part.And just being my happy go lucky self in da moment,another,may decide to change,because,they want to,and got caught up in my mood.Like i can at times get caught up in their moods,too.But me fix folks?No way!!!!!!...lolOr with intentions to change them?No way...hehheeee
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