Scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 3
Scared
I am new here. I have been lurking for quite some time. Finally got my user name last week, but this is the first time I have posted.
My husband is an alcoholic. No, he has not admitted it. We have been married for 20 years and I have no plans of leaving him. However, I am feeling pretty desparate these days. I have been reading all these books on being the spouse of an alcoholic and I am trying to follow them by being detached, but loving and doing everything else they advise. The truth is I don't feel like anything is working on my part these days. Ten years ago my husband was drinking heavily and hit a tree with his truck. He almost died. He gave up drinking for a while and "maintained" for a while after he started drinking again. Now I feel like things are worse than then ever, maybe because my son is a teenager now and he suffers with me. You all know the reality, you never know what you are coming home to. What kind of mood he'll be in, what will set him off, etc. The horribleness seems pretty constant these days. Two weeks ago we had a really bad incident and my son and I confronted him and he said he would get help. He called his employee assistance program about his "anger" problem. I'm not sure what else he told them. They referred him to several therapists and he called them all. Well, only one called him back--a few days later. Now, he has left a message for her again. That's positive I know, but the rest has just been pure hell. He is angry all the time (always a victim) and verbally abusive (sarcastic and cursing). I feel so sad because he is really a good person, but this disease is killing him and all of us. I've read that I need to let him crash for him to come to his senses, but I'm just so scared of what will happen. All I want to do is cry and cry. Yes, I pick myself up and go to work, etc., but really I feel like disintegrating and I'm praying for a miracle here. I've thought about going to Al-Anon. I even said I was going to about a year ago and he went ballistic. I've also read mixed things about Al-Anon--that some people don't find it helpful. Any thoughts or words of encouragement? Thanks so much for listening. (Ironically, he has gone to church to handbell practice right now.)
Pearlie
My husband is an alcoholic. No, he has not admitted it. We have been married for 20 years and I have no plans of leaving him. However, I am feeling pretty desparate these days. I have been reading all these books on being the spouse of an alcoholic and I am trying to follow them by being detached, but loving and doing everything else they advise. The truth is I don't feel like anything is working on my part these days. Ten years ago my husband was drinking heavily and hit a tree with his truck. He almost died. He gave up drinking for a while and "maintained" for a while after he started drinking again. Now I feel like things are worse than then ever, maybe because my son is a teenager now and he suffers with me. You all know the reality, you never know what you are coming home to. What kind of mood he'll be in, what will set him off, etc. The horribleness seems pretty constant these days. Two weeks ago we had a really bad incident and my son and I confronted him and he said he would get help. He called his employee assistance program about his "anger" problem. I'm not sure what else he told them. They referred him to several therapists and he called them all. Well, only one called him back--a few days later. Now, he has left a message for her again. That's positive I know, but the rest has just been pure hell. He is angry all the time (always a victim) and verbally abusive (sarcastic and cursing). I feel so sad because he is really a good person, but this disease is killing him and all of us. I've read that I need to let him crash for him to come to his senses, but I'm just so scared of what will happen. All I want to do is cry and cry. Yes, I pick myself up and go to work, etc., but really I feel like disintegrating and I'm praying for a miracle here. I've thought about going to Al-Anon. I even said I was going to about a year ago and he went ballistic. I've also read mixed things about Al-Anon--that some people don't find it helpful. Any thoughts or words of encouragement? Thanks so much for listening. (Ironically, he has gone to church to handbell practice right now.)
Pearlie
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Posts: n/a
Hi pearlie,
Welcome to the forum. We all get scared at times. It's part of watching someone we love harm themselves. There is not much you can do to help him want help. Recovery has to come from within the person. It's all about making life style changes and we can't force them to do that.
I too hold on to the good person that my son is when he is not drinking. When he drinks he changes into a completely different person that I don't know.
It's a process of establishing boundaries and learning to not live in their disease which can be very hard to do when they are living with you. It takes time to accept the things you cannot change. We can't change them, we can only change ourselves.
Try an alanon meeting and see if you like it.
We are also here for you. You're not alone.
Hugs,
MG
Welcome to the forum. We all get scared at times. It's part of watching someone we love harm themselves. There is not much you can do to help him want help. Recovery has to come from within the person. It's all about making life style changes and we can't force them to do that.
I too hold on to the good person that my son is when he is not drinking. When he drinks he changes into a completely different person that I don't know.
It's a process of establishing boundaries and learning to not live in their disease which can be very hard to do when they are living with you. It takes time to accept the things you cannot change. We can't change them, we can only change ourselves.
Try an alanon meeting and see if you like it.
We are also here for you. You're not alone.
Hugs,
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pearlie
Just want to say welcome, and hope you'll stick around and keep sharing.
We know that we can't change them, so we learn through recovery how to change ourselves and we learn to live happy healthy lives, sometimes with them and sometimes without them.
We hold our own key to happiness, and unlock our own door through recovery.
Welcome to the family.
Just want to say welcome, and hope you'll stick around and keep sharing.
We know that we can't change them, so we learn through recovery how to change ourselves and we learn to live happy healthy lives, sometimes with them and sometimes without them.
We hold our own key to happiness, and unlock our own door through recovery.
Welcome to the family.
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Welcome fellow lurker
Welcome! I also lurked at this boards awhile. They are sooo helpful aren't they?
With or without my A, Al-Anon has been so helpful in my life. I have found the principles applicable at work, church, family members, and parenting. I feel better, I feel stronger and that is the important thing. I don't go for my A, to influence him or to affect his disease. I have to involve myself for me. I want to encourage you to go for you. Keep posting and reading.
With or without my A, Al-Anon has been so helpful in my life. I have found the principles applicable at work, church, family members, and parenting. I feel better, I feel stronger and that is the important thing. I don't go for my A, to influence him or to affect his disease. I have to involve myself for me. I want to encourage you to go for you. Keep posting and reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: new york
Posts: 2
aren't we all
We are all scared for various reasons. I am more scared now than I have ever been in my whole life. I to am struggling with my A and taking care of my girls, the bills, the house, everything! I still want the person I fell in love with back, but as each day goes by I think he may be gone forever.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 3
Thanks to you all for responding and being so supportive. As I told you, after the bad episode between him and our son, DH called his employee assistance program. They finally set him up with a counselor. After the first visit with his counselor, he had scheduled DS and I to come with him. I told him no that we would come later, but he needed to address this problem first.
Hindsight is 20/20--maybe that was a mistake. He saw this counselor for three sessions (all that EA allows for free although money is not an issue), the last one being a few weeks ago. Well, of course while he was seeing her, he was very focused on his behavior and there were no big blowups. He told me that she said he is not an alcoholic. You would probably find this hard to believe, but he never lies about stuff like that. He went to AA years ago and they told him he's not an alcoholic. How can these people make judgements like that without even knowing the person?
Tonight coming home from eating out for Valentine's Day, he goes into a tirade about how I should get the car fixed. He was exactly the same as before--raving and ranting and talking to me in a tone like I was dirt or stupid. I told him well your classes are over so you are returning to your old self. Well, you can imagine the response, he said he was just reacting to my behavior and words. So I wonder if we should have met with the counselor with him. Previously when I have gone to the counselor and stated "my side," DH states that I convinced the counselor that I was right and he was wrong. Bottom line--I just can't do it for him.
Now I am feeling hopeless again and nowing that the situation will go downhill more and more with more frequent and accelerating episodes. I haven't gone to Al-Anon yet--I was really hopeful that this counselor would help. She was into natural healing also so I figured she might be helpful with the Susan Powter way of dealing with alcoholism using vitamins and foods.
Yo-Yo--What you said struck a chord=="the person you fell in love with" I still see him occasionally, but not often. I hate this other person I see so very often. I know it is the disease I am seeing, but the disease looks and talks like my husband just in a very twisted, hurting way.
You know what makes me feel really bad? Sometimes I wish he would die, so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, like a graceful way out of this whole situation.
I feel terribly guilty that my DS has to see this and deal with it. Dr. Phil says that if the person does not seek treatment you have to leave--period.
Thanks for listening once again. My heart goes out to you all facing these same problems.
Hindsight is 20/20--maybe that was a mistake. He saw this counselor for three sessions (all that EA allows for free although money is not an issue), the last one being a few weeks ago. Well, of course while he was seeing her, he was very focused on his behavior and there were no big blowups. He told me that she said he is not an alcoholic. You would probably find this hard to believe, but he never lies about stuff like that. He went to AA years ago and they told him he's not an alcoholic. How can these people make judgements like that without even knowing the person?
Tonight coming home from eating out for Valentine's Day, he goes into a tirade about how I should get the car fixed. He was exactly the same as before--raving and ranting and talking to me in a tone like I was dirt or stupid. I told him well your classes are over so you are returning to your old self. Well, you can imagine the response, he said he was just reacting to my behavior and words. So I wonder if we should have met with the counselor with him. Previously when I have gone to the counselor and stated "my side," DH states that I convinced the counselor that I was right and he was wrong. Bottom line--I just can't do it for him.
Now I am feeling hopeless again and nowing that the situation will go downhill more and more with more frequent and accelerating episodes. I haven't gone to Al-Anon yet--I was really hopeful that this counselor would help. She was into natural healing also so I figured she might be helpful with the Susan Powter way of dealing with alcoholism using vitamins and foods.
Yo-Yo--What you said struck a chord=="the person you fell in love with" I still see him occasionally, but not often. I hate this other person I see so very often. I know it is the disease I am seeing, but the disease looks and talks like my husband just in a very twisted, hurting way.
You know what makes me feel really bad? Sometimes I wish he would die, so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, like a graceful way out of this whole situation.
I feel terribly guilty that my DS has to see this and deal with it. Dr. Phil says that if the person does not seek treatment you have to leave--period.
Thanks for listening once again. My heart goes out to you all facing these same problems.
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: pa
Posts: 11
i can relate
pearlie,
i know how you feel. my hubby is someone who changes into a different person when he drinks. i love it when i see the person i fell in love with from time to time no matter how brief the time is before he picks up that drink again. it's sad in a way b/c it's like he died and is replaced by this nasty guy who never seems to leave. he leaves for a couple hours. it's like i can't give up those brief moments of the old guy, to wait for him to return, but in the mean time i'm living w/ the nasty one more often. my commitment will be impossible if the old guy never returns.
ekp
i know how you feel. my hubby is someone who changes into a different person when he drinks. i love it when i see the person i fell in love with from time to time no matter how brief the time is before he picks up that drink again. it's sad in a way b/c it's like he died and is replaced by this nasty guy who never seems to leave. he leaves for a couple hours. it's like i can't give up those brief moments of the old guy, to wait for him to return, but in the mean time i'm living w/ the nasty one more often. my commitment will be impossible if the old guy never returns.
ekp
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Rockland, Maine
Posts: 8
pearlie,
I have the exact feelings you do. Sometimes I wish mine would die too.
I have a little advice. I have found that when ever my husband suggests something relating to help, you do it. It took five years before my husband started searching for help for him. He was doing it for me. It doesn't work if it isn't for him.
Maybe he has more going on than alcohol. Sometimes things cause a person to drink, sometimes the drinking drives the depression. Either way both might need to be addressed. That is the case for my husband. He was sexually abused as a child for many years and neglected. They say in normal cases the drinker, since everyone says yours is not an alcoholic, should be sober for a year before going to psycholigical counseling. maybe your husband should try that. Mine isn't in the normal/average category. It really is a learning pricess.
Also, I believe you shouldn't go to a counselor that TELLS you to do anything. That is very stressful, and they make me feel guilty. I have gone through many counselors because they TELL me what to do. I am now with someone that specializes in addictions. This was strictly co-incidental. She gives me sugggestions and listens to me. If you read these forums you will see many people stay with their A. There are ways to live for you. It is scary to wait for them to make the decision, but it is their decision. If it isn't they resent you. If al-anon is difficult in meetings stay on these boards. Go to the nar-anon forums at this sight. There they talk more about the steps to take for the al-anon/nar-anon process.
It has helped me.
Sorry for being so lengthy.
camy
I have the exact feelings you do. Sometimes I wish mine would die too.
I have a little advice. I have found that when ever my husband suggests something relating to help, you do it. It took five years before my husband started searching for help for him. He was doing it for me. It doesn't work if it isn't for him.
Maybe he has more going on than alcohol. Sometimes things cause a person to drink, sometimes the drinking drives the depression. Either way both might need to be addressed. That is the case for my husband. He was sexually abused as a child for many years and neglected. They say in normal cases the drinker, since everyone says yours is not an alcoholic, should be sober for a year before going to psycholigical counseling. maybe your husband should try that. Mine isn't in the normal/average category. It really is a learning pricess.
Also, I believe you shouldn't go to a counselor that TELLS you to do anything. That is very stressful, and they make me feel guilty. I have gone through many counselors because they TELL me what to do. I am now with someone that specializes in addictions. This was strictly co-incidental. She gives me sugggestions and listens to me. If you read these forums you will see many people stay with their A. There are ways to live for you. It is scary to wait for them to make the decision, but it is their decision. If it isn't they resent you. If al-anon is difficult in meetings stay on these boards. Go to the nar-anon forums at this sight. There they talk more about the steps to take for the al-anon/nar-anon process.
It has helped me.
Sorry for being so lengthy.
camy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 3
Just wanted to say thanks for the responses and suggestions. I appreciate them. I also appreciate the fact that most here are staying with their spouses. I made a commitment and love my husband. Will talk to you all later.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Pearlie,
First I cannot believe that people at an AA meeting would tell him he is not an alcoholic. Mainly because being an alcoholic is not really neccessary. Only that the person is having difficulty caused by alcohol or drugs. There is no "test".
I have been married for 20 years to a man who drinks too much and does not see it. I also have an addicted son.
I got help for me...I probably went into it because "they" were out of control but in the end it is about me. You can be happy and live with a drinker. By getting the focus off of him and on you. By being grateful for the good things in your life. By not depending on them for your happiness.
You say he does not lie about his drinking...I would venture to say that he does. He just believes what he is saying. If he is blaming you for his anger that is a lie. Lie is a strong word...let's say denial. If his drinking is causing problems in his work and his family he does have a problem. A problem that you cannot fix.
Take care of you and go to Alanon.
Hugs,
JT
First I cannot believe that people at an AA meeting would tell him he is not an alcoholic. Mainly because being an alcoholic is not really neccessary. Only that the person is having difficulty caused by alcohol or drugs. There is no "test".
I have been married for 20 years to a man who drinks too much and does not see it. I also have an addicted son.
I got help for me...I probably went into it because "they" were out of control but in the end it is about me. You can be happy and live with a drinker. By getting the focus off of him and on you. By being grateful for the good things in your life. By not depending on them for your happiness.
You say he does not lie about his drinking...I would venture to say that he does. He just believes what he is saying. If he is blaming you for his anger that is a lie. Lie is a strong word...let's say denial. If his drinking is causing problems in his work and his family he does have a problem. A problem that you cannot fix.
Take care of you and go to Alanon.
Hugs,
JT
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