Giving up Control...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in the middle of it all!
Posts: 16
Giving up Control...
I’m a control freak…I have to admit that right up front. It gives me that security I need to feel like I am grounded. I am working on this. My question is not about controlling his drinking – I’m trying to let go of that and know that I can. What about all the other stuff that impacts my life, like finances? I have been in charge of the family money for quite some time now. I know that not being involved has enabled him to continue some of his behaviors. But, if I stop being in control of that, he will ruin us both. I won’t have my affairs ruined because of him. I just won't. What do I do? We have rent, car payments, and a couple of credit cards and we are not currently in debt (small miracles exist!). What have others done in this situation? How do I return some of the responsibility back to him, or do I?
Thanks! From a newbie!
Thanks! From a newbie!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in the middle of it all!
Posts: 16
What do I want? I want to continue to control the money! I can't let go of that...too scary. But, am I just enabling him by not letting him suffer the natural consequences of his poor financial decisions (like buying beer with the savings money when the kids need school clothes). I guess I am just looking for a reality check. Even if he feels bad and sees the consequences of his actions when the kids don't have what they need to start school in a few weeks, I can't put my kids through that.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Fireside,
Welcome to the road to sanity. I can only offer my thoughts on what I did, and would do differently, if I had to do it again. (Hopefully not anytime soon.)
My first step would be to make a list of all the bills and note who's name(s) are connected with which. I'd total up the monthly expenses where both of the names appear on the bill (to protect my own credit), and determine how they should be handled. In our case since my H and I both bring home about the same amount of money, we split the bills. Other folks break it down based on what % the person makes of the total bring home, i.e. if I earn 60% of the total monthly income, then I pay 60% of the costs. This is what is defined as "fair" vs. equitable. (That's for another time).
The only bills I would fret about would be the ones where I could be directly impacted/or my credit could be impacted. Outside of those bills, which I'd pay out of the joint account, I'd open my own checking/saving account for the money I needed for my bills. This again keeps things fair. I'd close out any joint cards. And keep the joint activity to a minimum. Continuing to do the same thing over and over expecting different results (romatically, financially, professionally) is what they call "insanity".
Keep your side of the street clean and focus on that housekeeping. The rest will be what it will be - either good or not. But the bottom line is that you are making sure you keep your focus on yourself.
Good luck. There is so much emotion connected with finances for the average person. It's one of those truly double edged areas of a relationship - both with ourselves and with others.
I hope you find some peace tonight.
Petunia
Welcome to the road to sanity. I can only offer my thoughts on what I did, and would do differently, if I had to do it again. (Hopefully not anytime soon.)
My first step would be to make a list of all the bills and note who's name(s) are connected with which. I'd total up the monthly expenses where both of the names appear on the bill (to protect my own credit), and determine how they should be handled. In our case since my H and I both bring home about the same amount of money, we split the bills. Other folks break it down based on what % the person makes of the total bring home, i.e. if I earn 60% of the total monthly income, then I pay 60% of the costs. This is what is defined as "fair" vs. equitable. (That's for another time).
The only bills I would fret about would be the ones where I could be directly impacted/or my credit could be impacted. Outside of those bills, which I'd pay out of the joint account, I'd open my own checking/saving account for the money I needed for my bills. This again keeps things fair. I'd close out any joint cards. And keep the joint activity to a minimum. Continuing to do the same thing over and over expecting different results (romatically, financially, professionally) is what they call "insanity".
Keep your side of the street clean and focus on that housekeeping. The rest will be what it will be - either good or not. But the bottom line is that you are making sure you keep your focus on yourself.
Good luck. There is so much emotion connected with finances for the average person. It's one of those truly double edged areas of a relationship - both with ourselves and with others.
I hope you find some peace tonight.
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
That's an important question cuz finances are a serious thing. If your H is an A, I don't know if giving him any responsibility in that area would be in good interest.
Cuz A's are compulsive. I was like that when I drank. If I saw something I wanted, regardless whether or not I could afford it, I'd find a way to buy it and as a result, got myself into alot of debt.
My xabf is the same way. He went bankrupt.
Thank God I'm all caught up now and have great credit. Took me years to pay it off. I'm self-employed and a real estate investor, so finances to me are taken seriously.
Is there something that your AH is really good at? Like,......can he clean the house really well or do the yard work well? Whatever he's good at, do a verbal "contract" that he can take care of that area and you'll continue to take care of the finance area. So, that you're both doing 50/50 of the responsibilities still.......and so there's no being controlling by doing it all.
That way he has his duties in the home as well as you do. Just because you take care of the finances, doesn't mean that you'd have to be controlling. You're good at it.........right now, he's not. So,......is it better to lose $$ just so it won't be "controlling" of you? Whatever he's good at........totally give that over to him to take care of.
Hope that helps some.
((hugs))
Cuz A's are compulsive. I was like that when I drank. If I saw something I wanted, regardless whether or not I could afford it, I'd find a way to buy it and as a result, got myself into alot of debt.
My xabf is the same way. He went bankrupt.
Thank God I'm all caught up now and have great credit. Took me years to pay it off. I'm self-employed and a real estate investor, so finances to me are taken seriously.
Is there something that your AH is really good at? Like,......can he clean the house really well or do the yard work well? Whatever he's good at, do a verbal "contract" that he can take care of that area and you'll continue to take care of the finance area. So, that you're both doing 50/50 of the responsibilities still.......and so there's no being controlling by doing it all.
That way he has his duties in the home as well as you do. Just because you take care of the finances, doesn't mean that you'd have to be controlling. You're good at it.........right now, he's not. So,......is it better to lose $$ just so it won't be "controlling" of you? Whatever he's good at........totally give that over to him to take care of.
Hope that helps some.
((hugs))
Holding The Father's Hand
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
Like Petunia, I can only tell you what my AH and I have done.
Thankfully, he understood the fears I had in letting him have any access to our finances. We decided to start with a joint savings account. We both agreed that we would consult the other before either of us took any money out of it. It was also agreed that if either of us violated the trust of the other, the money would no longer be in a joint account, only in the name of the one that didn't break the trust. This held both of us accountable.
After awhile, we opened a joint checking with a couple hundred dollars in it and debit cards attached. With this account, we each had a little more freedom. The only criteria was that we had to keep the check register balanced so neither one was left hanging when trying to make a purchase or withdraw money.
The most important part of our agreement, which he initiated, was that I would be in charge of the account that held our "bread and butter" money until he had a year of sobriety under his belt. That way, I could make sure all of our bills were paid. I do, however, keep him informed of how much our bills are each month so he doesn't feel as if I'm controlling things.
I have major control issues that I'm working on, and it has been extremely difficult to relinquish any control over our money, whatsoever, but it is very important that I do so. It is also important to keep reminding myself to trust God rather than trusting my AH
Thankfully, he understood the fears I had in letting him have any access to our finances. We decided to start with a joint savings account. We both agreed that we would consult the other before either of us took any money out of it. It was also agreed that if either of us violated the trust of the other, the money would no longer be in a joint account, only in the name of the one that didn't break the trust. This held both of us accountable.
After awhile, we opened a joint checking with a couple hundred dollars in it and debit cards attached. With this account, we each had a little more freedom. The only criteria was that we had to keep the check register balanced so neither one was left hanging when trying to make a purchase or withdraw money.
The most important part of our agreement, which he initiated, was that I would be in charge of the account that held our "bread and butter" money until he had a year of sobriety under his belt. That way, I could make sure all of our bills were paid. I do, however, keep him informed of how much our bills are each month so he doesn't feel as if I'm controlling things.
I have major control issues that I'm working on, and it has been extremely difficult to relinquish any control over our money, whatsoever, but it is very important that I do so. It is also important to keep reminding myself to trust God rather than trusting my AH
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmm..
both of my husbands were totally off the wall with money.
Think of water flowing from a tap.
One was an alcoholic the other not.
One was a helicopter piolet who flew often.
The other a charter boat captain who fished often.
They truly were not interested in the reality of day to day living.
Up in the air or out to sea!
I handled the finances, #1 kept his flight pay as personal cash...#2 his tips.
I never considered rhis as control.
My Mom and Grandmother had both been 'finance officers'!
Think of water flowing from a tap.
One was an alcoholic the other not.
One was a helicopter piolet who flew often.
The other a charter boat captain who fished often.
They truly were not interested in the reality of day to day living.
Up in the air or out to sea!
I handled the finances, #1 kept his flight pay as personal cash...#2 his tips.
I never considered rhis as control.
My Mom and Grandmother had both been 'finance officers'!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
I take care of all our finances. My AH has no idea how much anything is except our mortgage payment. He gives me his check every Thursday and after that if he wants money he asks me for it. He doesn't carry a debit card or even know how much is in our checking or savings accounts. I've tried to tell him he needs to know this stuff in case anything should ever happen to me but he doesn't want to do it. If I were to die tomorrow he'd have no idea what to do. That's a scary thought since my mom lives in a mother-in-law apartment attached to our garage and has a very limited income. Any money he gets from doing side jobs is his to keep and I never bother with that. Maybe I am a control freak too? I don't think I could relinquish control of the finances. It's just too important.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
I did not read the other replies so forgive me if I am repeating anything.
After 9 years of letting my husband have total control over our money. We ended up near bankrupcy and in deep deep debt.
I am a smart woman. I have 2 masters degrees. I am not an alcoholic.
We ended up selling almost everything (including 2 rental properties) we had aside from our house. Borrowing money from my family and getting a sketchy refinancing.
We are now totally out of debt. With a HUGE mortage payment. Our budget is very tight.
I have total control of the finances. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. EVER.
I would never in a million trillion years even give my husband an ATM card to my account or access to a credit card.
And he is a smart man. And he an alcoholic and a gambler. And he is on a budget....slim little budget.
I am not mincing my advice. NEVER give up control of your money, your bills, your accounts to an alcoholic. Ever.
Think of it as a gift that you know how to do it and that your husband does not want it. Really...
In my situation it is not so much about control as survival.
Jenny
After 9 years of letting my husband have total control over our money. We ended up near bankrupcy and in deep deep debt.
I am a smart woman. I have 2 masters degrees. I am not an alcoholic.
We ended up selling almost everything (including 2 rental properties) we had aside from our house. Borrowing money from my family and getting a sketchy refinancing.
We are now totally out of debt. With a HUGE mortage payment. Our budget is very tight.
I have total control of the finances. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. EVER.
I would never in a million trillion years even give my husband an ATM card to my account or access to a credit card.
And he is a smart man. And he an alcoholic and a gambler. And he is on a budget....slim little budget.
I am not mincing my advice. NEVER give up control of your money, your bills, your accounts to an alcoholic. Ever.
Think of it as a gift that you know how to do it and that your husband does not want it. Really...
In my situation it is not so much about control as survival.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
we have always maintained our own checking accts. & savings and have a joint savings acct. we did a similar thing - when we had a mortgage - AH paid that as he made more than i. i have paid the utilites, groceries and my car payment (in my name). now we don't have a mortgage payment so he pays for taxes, house ins. & his personal bills. it's always worked for us this way - each is accountable for their own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in the middle of it all!
Posts: 16
Thanks to all of you for your words of wisdom.
I guess it is not a cut-and-dry issue, is it? I like the idea of sharing the household duties (finance included) based on *who is good at what*. I do WAY too much. I should let go of some of that first and feel good about it. In fact, we have had many conversations about household chores. He comes from Joan Clever's family where mom did all the housework. He learned to do nothing for himself.
I made a list one day of all the things I did for the family and a list of his contributions. Mine were too numerous to list on one page, his only two jobs were to mow the lawn and watch the TV (I was kind and labeled that one *keep the family posted on current events*). I can laugh now, but it still hasn't gotten much better.
Anyway, last night I told him I was turning over all responsibility for the kitchen dishes and clean up over to him. He was ok with that, too. (shock!) I know it's a small step, but we will add some more later. So, today I am done loading the dishwasher!
Thanks again!
I guess it is not a cut-and-dry issue, is it? I like the idea of sharing the household duties (finance included) based on *who is good at what*. I do WAY too much. I should let go of some of that first and feel good about it. In fact, we have had many conversations about household chores. He comes from Joan Clever's family where mom did all the housework. He learned to do nothing for himself.
I made a list one day of all the things I did for the family and a list of his contributions. Mine were too numerous to list on one page, his only two jobs were to mow the lawn and watch the TV (I was kind and labeled that one *keep the family posted on current events*). I can laugh now, but it still hasn't gotten much better.
Anyway, last night I told him I was turning over all responsibility for the kitchen dishes and clean up over to him. He was ok with that, too. (shock!) I know it's a small step, but we will add some more later. So, today I am done loading the dishwasher!
Thanks again!
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