I messed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
I messed up
Xabf called on the landline (didn't get that changed), I picked it up and heard his voice....he was drunk and saying that he was sorry and blah, blah, blah and I told him "you're not supposed to call me or contact me on a TPO".
He didn't care because he's going to a farm rehab for a year, has quit his job of 24 years, is giving up his apt. and just "had to talk to me one last time".
Under the temporary R O, I've asked my lawyer and he's told me that I can contact him without breaking the order, but that it doesn't look good when I go for a permanent protection order because the magistrate will think "well, she contacted him, therefore she must not be that afraid of him". But, that xabf cannot contact me in anyway. If we were to see each other in public, that would be "happenstance" and just to avoid each other. If it became repetitive, to then report it.
When he called, I caved and listened. And, I didn't report him to the police for that call.
I'm not sure if that puts me in contempt of court or not. I know it was stupid of me to do, but I still care about him and when I heard him talking, I just let him talk.
Two steps forward......one LARGE one back.
What to do?
He didn't care because he's going to a farm rehab for a year, has quit his job of 24 years, is giving up his apt. and just "had to talk to me one last time".
Under the temporary R O, I've asked my lawyer and he's told me that I can contact him without breaking the order, but that it doesn't look good when I go for a permanent protection order because the magistrate will think "well, she contacted him, therefore she must not be that afraid of him". But, that xabf cannot contact me in anyway. If we were to see each other in public, that would be "happenstance" and just to avoid each other. If it became repetitive, to then report it.
When he called, I caved and listened. And, I didn't report him to the police for that call.
I'm not sure if that puts me in contempt of court or not. I know it was stupid of me to do, but I still care about him and when I heard him talking, I just let him talk.
Two steps forward......one LARGE one back.
What to do?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((girlfriend)) - don't be too hard on yourself - it's early yet. you might want to check into the ramifications tho so you are not surprised somewhere down the line.
it's easy to be sucked back in - like hypnotism almost! just keep your eyes and ears closed girl! you are strong - you have done so much with your life!
hugs - christie
it's easy to be sucked back in - like hypnotism almost! just keep your eyes and ears closed girl! you are strong - you have done so much with your life!
hugs - christie
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Is it too late to report the call?
Remember, our words have to match our actions too. You got the restraining order for a reason. If you dont follow thru, you send a message to him that you dont mean to do what you say your going to.
Boundaries are for enforcing...they are your declaration that you deserve better.
Remember, our words have to match our actions too. You got the restraining order for a reason. If you dont follow thru, you send a message to him that you dont mean to do what you say your going to.
Boundaries are for enforcing...they are your declaration that you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: BOCA RATON FL
Posts: 5
I Agree
I agree with friendofbill, at least inform them what happened and that you did not know what to do at the moment, as it caught you off guard and find out what the ramifications, if any, that there are and just go from there.... It's can't really hurt to ask?!?!
And honey, change your number! You can't be tempted to listen, if he can't reach you!
stay strong! You deserve better (much better!)
And honey, change your number! You can't be tempted to listen, if he can't reach you!
stay strong! You deserve better (much better!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
In addition, keep a log or a calendar or something near the telephone. IF he calls, even if you see the number on the caller ID and not answer, you can "note" the violation. Such a list might help get the permanent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Thank you as always! I called the courts and spoke to victim's assistance and told them what happened.Today is my court date for the permanent protection order.
I've decided not to go for the permanent protection order. I know that's not gonna set to well with some, but it's the decision that I've made.
I've made it based upon these two factors:
1) In order for me to lift the permanent order, which can go from 2-5 years to forever, I'd have to petition the courts again and go back before the magistrate and prove that I'm safe and the order should be lifted. IF the magistrate decides to do that, he would then. But, if he doesn't, he wouldn't and it would stay permanent.
2) I know xabf is sick. His progression in alcoholism is bad. Per the courts, he HAS to stick to this 12-24 month rehabilatation farm more than 100 miles from here or he's going to jail for the full 18 months. So, either way, he's going away for a long time. He knows that and is getting into the farm tomorrow. His probation officer is going with him.
Because I'm not going through with the permanent protection order, because I didn't report his phone call to me and me talking to him,.....then I'm not in contempt of court.
One thing I can say is that I know that I'll always care about him....but after talking to him the other night and hearing him so drunk after getting kicked out of rehab on the 26th day, knowing he could go to jail for 9 months easily AND calling me when he knew I had a TPO out on him.........he's totally out of it. His brain is seriously pickled. And, I realize that I am not in love with him anymore whatsoever. It's gonna take a miracle for him to get sober. He's 45 and has a chance for a healthy 2nd part of his life, but the damn bottle is more important than anything else.
He's stuck. Stuck in a big corner and can't get out of this one. He's either gonna do the long term, no contact rehab on the farm ( I know they can't contact people from there because I work for the main office of the organization and know the counselors that work out there. They're good people and I love the organization. Totally different from the 30 day Drunk Camp he was in that cost $10,600.00 and for what? Succession rate is awful. But, good or not good rehab, it's up to xabf to work it and want it) or he's going to jail.
I actually yelled at him on the phone telling him what an a**hole he was and that he's been given a 2nd chance at life, something that not too many people get and he's drunk again. I know.......playing his mama again, but I needed to get that out to him.
I got sober all by myself 11 yrs ago after 10 yrs of drinking with the help of God and here's all these people offering him 2nd chances even after he's blown the 1st court orders....the probation dept, the rehabs, and he's still choosing the drink. I'm human, I get angry at that.
I've decided not to go for the permanent protection order. I know that's not gonna set to well with some, but it's the decision that I've made.
I've made it based upon these two factors:
1) In order for me to lift the permanent order, which can go from 2-5 years to forever, I'd have to petition the courts again and go back before the magistrate and prove that I'm safe and the order should be lifted. IF the magistrate decides to do that, he would then. But, if he doesn't, he wouldn't and it would stay permanent.
2) I know xabf is sick. His progression in alcoholism is bad. Per the courts, he HAS to stick to this 12-24 month rehabilatation farm more than 100 miles from here or he's going to jail for the full 18 months. So, either way, he's going away for a long time. He knows that and is getting into the farm tomorrow. His probation officer is going with him.
Because I'm not going through with the permanent protection order, because I didn't report his phone call to me and me talking to him,.....then I'm not in contempt of court.
One thing I can say is that I know that I'll always care about him....but after talking to him the other night and hearing him so drunk after getting kicked out of rehab on the 26th day, knowing he could go to jail for 9 months easily AND calling me when he knew I had a TPO out on him.........he's totally out of it. His brain is seriously pickled. And, I realize that I am not in love with him anymore whatsoever. It's gonna take a miracle for him to get sober. He's 45 and has a chance for a healthy 2nd part of his life, but the damn bottle is more important than anything else.
He's stuck. Stuck in a big corner and can't get out of this one. He's either gonna do the long term, no contact rehab on the farm ( I know they can't contact people from there because I work for the main office of the organization and know the counselors that work out there. They're good people and I love the organization. Totally different from the 30 day Drunk Camp he was in that cost $10,600.00 and for what? Succession rate is awful. But, good or not good rehab, it's up to xabf to work it and want it) or he's going to jail.
I actually yelled at him on the phone telling him what an a**hole he was and that he's been given a 2nd chance at life, something that not too many people get and he's drunk again. I know.......playing his mama again, but I needed to get that out to him.
I got sober all by myself 11 yrs ago after 10 yrs of drinking with the help of God and here's all these people offering him 2nd chances even after he's blown the 1st court orders....the probation dept, the rehabs, and he's still choosing the drink. I'm human, I get angry at that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
glad you looked into the legal end of it girlfriend. you do what you are comfortable with - we're not walking in your shoes, just on similar paths.
take care - it's alright to feel the feeling you do - feel them and then be done with them.
hugs - christie
take care - it's alright to feel the feeling you do - feel them and then be done with them.
hugs - christie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: BOCA RATON FL
Posts: 5
hi again
You've done so well for self and i can tell in your heart of hearts that you know he needs to also do this on his own. It can be frusteating at times, but i think i can safely say while it may not set well with some people, i don't think anyone here would dare judge you on the decision. You can "tell" us as much as you want or need about your situation, but ONLY you know the full magnitude of it, only you feel the actual feelings, which can at times be near impossible to express with words. You do what you are comfortable and happy with!
Hugs & prayers for you, yesterday, today and always.....
Hugs & prayers for you, yesterday, today and always.....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Girlfriend, you sound comfortable with what you did and what information you have found out since. And that is all we can hope for. Many of us can sit here in front of our PCs and give you a mental slap on the wrist, but not one of us can honestly say we'd have done anything different in your situation. I know that I have spoken to my ex in the past when every fibre of my being was screaming at me that it was going to turn around and bite me in the bum. But I did it anyway. And that's how I learned the lesson and I don't do it anymore. There's plenty of other stuff that I've still not got the hang of though!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
GF - Counrtycuite is right. These decisions are yours to make and only justify to yourself. After October, I will have been through my 2nd divorce. I was thinking, (while reading your last post) It's sad that people who just want to go through life and live and love and be happy, have to get so educated on the domestic laws of the state we live in. I joke to my friends that I could probably test out of the 1st year of "domestic" law school. Another reason to hate this disease! As if just living it isn't enough!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by minnie
I know that I have spoken to my ex in the past when every fibre of my being was screaming at me that it was going to turn around and bite me in the bum.
Minnie said "bum"......lol....... I love ya, Minnie. You know that. ((hug))
Thanks guys. I really thought I'd get some kind of a "bum" whippin' on here for that, but I guess I've been doing that enough to myself.
I'm learning. All the time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Girlfriend, you did all you can do under the circumstances. You done good, just keep it up and in time the pain and the grieving will stop.
Just remember you can't help him .... I know you say this but you need to REALLY feel it too.
I hope for his sake he gets better .... he's 45? My husband was 51 with 35 years of drinking under his belt. It can be done, I live with the proof.
Just remember you can't help him .... I know you say this but you need to REALLY feel it too.
I hope for his sake he gets better .... he's 45? My husband was 51 with 35 years of drinking under his belt. It can be done, I live with the proof.
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