Deeds

Here I am sitting here like most Saturday nights, home alone with my kids wondering if he is going to make it home in one piece. I hate that he is out on a motorcycle drinking and riding or sometimes driving his truck. I try to stay detached from feeling worried. I worry about the saftey of the other drivers on the road. I worry about the mood he'll be in when he gets home. I have been getting better at not getting so upset and bent out of shape. I actually went to bed last night and didn't stay up past 2am, LOL, I slept well until 7am and that is a huge improvement from a couple of weeks ago when I didn't go to bed at all.

However, just how is it that I am suppose to react and act the next morning? I still don't get that. Obviously getting angry doesn't work. Not being detached and feeling hurt or the worry doesn't work. ( but I haven't figured out how to turn that off very well yet) And just what consiquences does he endure by me not expressing how I feel or was hurt, angry, upset, and or worried? I don't help him in the house. Where he passes it is where he sleeps, I won't make him comfortable, Hence the many nights he has slept in the garage. I do not do anythimg to go out of my way to make him comfortable or shield him from the reality around him. I will not make excuses to the kids or anyone. And yet at the same time he sees me cool and even tempered all of the time. I fear the gets the message, since I am still going to be here when he gets home and the house is clean and dinner is in the frige and everything and everyone else is in its place, all is well and why sould he change? What consiquence does he have that says what he is doing is wrong and he needs to stop? I don't know any sober person who could stay out as late as he does and get up as early as he does and function and go to work every morning like he does.
He is able to get plastered every night and stay up late and go to work every day and on the weekend go off the deep end and do it all over again with out any reprecussions. I just don't get it. I often feel if i don't do something to make that bottom get here sooner it will never happen. Although I know I can't do that. Everyone's bottom is different. He will continue to get hammered everynight until that bottom hits. In the mean time what am I suppose to be doing?

rivercitybelle

Hey Deeds!
Welcome!
What are you supposed to be doing? Learning to put you and your kids first. You have to take care of you. You can't change him, only he can do that.
Learn all you can about the disease, read, go to Al anon meetings...
But most of all be kind to yourself. You deserve it!
So what have you done for you today?

walkingtheline

I join with Riverbelle. Al-anon. Hanging out here. Reading, reading, reading. Taking care of your self and your children. Being kind to yourself.

He HAS repercussions. You may not see them, but they happen. He may feel rotten. Be slower or crabby at work. He may get caught driving under the influence.

What should you do? There's nothing you CAN do...you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you certainly can't control it.

I would not call waking up in the garage as "alls well". Knowing his children or visitors or neighbors may have seen you passed out somewhere and no one makes up a story for him would not be "alls well" for me. Knowing no matter how much I 'act out' gets no rise from my spouse might also be frustrating!

Exactly what Riverbelle suggested: Al-anon. Hanging out here. Reading, reading, reading. Taking care of your self and your children. Being kind to yourself.

It's good to hear more from you!

minnie

Welcome, Deeds. You've come to a great place for help and support.

Can I suggest, along with meetings, that you chick out the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of this board and the nar-anon one? That's where I really learned about detachment. I learned that if I got angry at the A in my life, all I was doing was giving him another excuse to drink. It is a difficult issue - what seems like letting them get away with it is simply keeping hold of our own serenity. Nothing we do or say makes a difference if they aren't ready to get help, so why get ourselves stressed about it.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Pick-a-name

Actually, as I detached; mine got MORE angry....ticked that we were no longer jumping to his commands. Seems like it embarrased him. Anyone else have that response? Just curious.

Deeds

Thanks for the replies everyone,
I have been checking out a lot of that sticly stuff in here and in the nar-anon one as well, thanks

So he didn't come back until 3:30 Saturday night. Last night we got to talking, well I talked and he actually listened. Of course he agrees that he makes some stupid choices. But then I things started flowing out of my mouth and it just couldn't stop. To make a long story shourt I told him that I felt that although I konw he loves me he doesn't really want me. He shows this by how much he pushes me away. Same with the kids. He wants the freedom to do waht he wants and go where he wants with out answering to anyone. He likes the idea of being marride with children but not the responsiblity. He stays because it we have a long history and it is comfortable. He loves me but doesn't really want this life together. And for him to admit it would mean he was the "bad guy". There is much more to it but that is the short of it. He proceeded to tell me he loved me which I don't doubt and he was unalble to deny that he didn't want me even when I brought up the fact that he didn't. I am unsure as to how to feel about this. I can't make him want me. I feel a need once in a while and that is about all I am here for.

I don't want to give him up and I don't want to give up on him. At the same time I know I need to take care of my self and not let his actions or lack of them control my emotions because I need to be emotionally available for my children. It is so difficult do not get all wraped up in my own hurt and keep it seperate from my children.

I have been hanging out at a alanon site where they have some on line meetings, however I feel like it isn't all sinking in or making a whole lot of since to me. That, or I just dont' want it to, I don't know.

These Saturday nights have been bluring into the rest of the nights of the weeks lately and it is taking it's toll but I am so AAAGGGHHH ! I just don't have words to explain. And taking care of myself? where do I begin?

Pick-a-name

You and I seem to be in exactly the same place at the moment...........it is a nightmare. 27 years of a good marriage has dissolved into this; he has filed for divorce.

Thanks for putting this in words for me....I will print them out and re-read........it looks different in black and white; also when some one else says it.

Nothing for me to say for now, except I send you a big hug. Please keep posting.

Pick-a-name

p.s. We have two children also.......one is just heading out for the first time and the other is in high school...will be starting her senior year. (please keep them;all of us , in your prayers, as I will you.)

GettingBy

Yup! That's usually what happens. You've stopped playing their game, and that bothers them. They do feel guilt, and when I used to act out it game my husband something to redirect attention to. Sorta like, "Yeah I got a drinking problem, but WHOA... look at you, Crazy Lady!" When I stopped acting like the crazy lady, that sentence changed to "Yeah I got a drinking problem." It's awkward and uncomfortable for them, and THAT is their consequence.

I will not share responsibility for my husband's choices. I will not share responsibility for his feelings. I will not enable him by doing things for him that he can and should be doing himself. I will not let him make me feel bad for doing things that are good for me.

I WILL take responsibility for my own life, my choices, my happiness. I WILL be happy no matter what he does or doesn't do. I WILL be a better person, because I want more out of my life. I WILL stay focused on me because that is the ONLY thing I can control, change, or cure!

What will you do today?
Big hugs,
Shannon

walkingtheline

On-line meetings are great...but are WAY more effective and make WAY more sense if you're also attending real face-to-face meetings.

What you're saying about your marriage, I think, happens all too often. Every relationship requires care and tending. If we were a plant, we'd need water and sunlight and care, and plants are fairly simple compared to people!
It's easy to be in love, it's hard work getting that love grow deep roots. Add a mind altering substance to the mix and it becomes much, much more difficult.

With ONE thing! Do ONE THING just for you. Take a walk. Get a manicure. Lay on the lawn and watch the clouds. Do something you love or want. You'll be amazed at how it can change your outlook!

(((Deeds)))

somebodysfool

Thanks for the post Deeds your situation is very familiar to me. It is hard to detach I have to think about it each time my AH does, doesn't, says or doesn't say whatever I was hoping for. I struggle with not having any expectations which is crazy but he loves the alcohol and it is controlling his life. Who' s controlling ours? Today my thoughts of him are and I need to stop them by doing something to take my mind off him. It is hard bu twe can make progress by doing it over and over until it gets easier.
My heart is with you and I will keep you in my prayers.

J

Deeds

I know on line meetings are suppose to be better or maybe more affective face to face. However I am just not ready for that yet.



Do relationships really ever recover from all of this? I hear and read how people are still living with the hope that it will survive and eventually get better and then there are those who broke away from it all and are no longer in that relationship. Where are the relationships that survied?

Love can't be enough it takes commitment from both people, however when one is too mixed up to commit even after a marriage of 14 years how does it get fixed?

I want it fixed! I want to fight for it! I want to love and be loved, want and be wanted by my husband!! I don't want to start over I don't want to leave, I don't want him to leave. I want happyness and I want happy ness with the family I have now!!!! Why can't I have that?!!
Because he is sick and until he reaches out for help in the healing of his alment he won't love himself and there for won't be able to love our family, Saturday night or any other night. NO FAIR~ I know life isn't fair and we aren't playing by fair rules, but I shouldn't have to give up my hopes and dreams of having a whole family should I ?

Pick-a-name

Thanks all for your responses/reassurance......it helps. He is not living with us..that is a story in itself (what isn't, living w/ them? hahaha) but strangely he did call the kids last night wondering where WE were Saaturday night, as he was lonely and bored and no one answered the phone when he called a few times.....hmmmmm...oh, well...LOL

yes; the detachment thing makes him FURIOUS..though he would never admit it........

saves ME lots of energy when I can do it.......getting easier all the time!

hope you all enjoy something nice today! At my son's suggestion, I have started "training" w/ a girl at a gym..........it forces me to go, even when I don't "feel" like it...it is making me feel better about myself; I enjoy that!

Deeds

I want to do that so bad! But once again that is something that costs money and at the time I have no control over that. It is so difficult to do it on your own and I need to really get healthier for myself. Not just my appearene but my esteem as well.

somebodysfool

I wish there was some magic to it all but there isn't. I want the same things you do and I have heard that marriages do survive all this but even when the A gets help there is still a lot to adjust to. We can't change them we can only change ourselves. We do this by educating ourselves about the disease and about our role. Most or would it be correct to assume we are all codependent and we need to know what to do about breaking that. That is wher al-anon, this site and maybe even counseling come in to play. You can't undo 14 years of these behaviors over night. And it hurts when we think or realize that our dreams were just that a dream. So we set new goals and have new dreams. And then we work for them instead of waiting for them to come true one day. We all have to decide how that looks and what it is we need to do. But start by realizing you are worth treating right and if your AH can't do it for you right now then you need to do it for yourself. And one day he may join you but in the meantime you are making yourself well.

J

cupowater

I could have written this myself! I just detatch. But I still feel frustrated that I am doing all the work (dishes, laundry, dishes, cleaning, dishes, more cleaning) while he is off getting drunk and dirtying up the house for me to clean again! And he drinks every night and gets right back up in the morning and off to work like nothing happened the night before! When I start to feel like it just isn't fair, I concentrate instead on my artwork or my kids, or something for myself. It won't go on forever!

Pick-a-name

Just an observation I have made recently; what is with all these A's, etc...in Ohio?

Or maybe,in recovery?! just curious! haha

cupowater

Hmmmm...... I hadn't noticed!!!!! Thats a good question!

Deeds

J, I was thinking the very same thing last night!


Isn't it amazing that they can do that? I want to be able to do that too! I have been reading up on detachment and it just seems so hard to flip that switch. Turn it on and turn it off. For me it seems as if I can only do all or nothing. All on or all off. I dont' know. My AH gets so plastered every night and gets up at 5am every morning after drinking until at least 10pm to the point he can hardly stand the night before. I have a hard time doing those hours sober! Wow I just don't get it! Just as if nothing happened the night before, and life goes on...