Breaking up with Abf...scary sad, depressed...
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 7
Breaking up with Abf...scary sad, depressed...
Hello Everyone,
I have been reading through alot of the posts on this board and alot of them have really hit home. While the exact circumstances are different, the sense of desperation and feelings are all there...
My story: I'm going to try to make this short! (ha)
I met him on the internet almost 2 years ago. He drank heavily and used some hard drugs when he did so, but for some reason I didn't think much of it. I was never much into a partying scene mostly because I felt uncool, a bit shy and reserved, so I guess I was living a little excitment through him. We had a great relationship and communicated quite well talking for hours every night on the phone. He lived on the other side of the US and eventually moved closer to me. He had no license due to sevral dwis. I thought him moving here would remove him from his (imo) toxic circle of friends and he would clean up...which he did quite a bit. In the last year, he did make alot of "progress". Instead of drinking so often, he rarely got drunk but every now and then he would binge. Anyhow...i guess I'll cut the story short...
he reciently got his license again and i statred to worry about him and drinking while driving. He knows he has a huge problem with this too. One day, after he had gome home from a weekend of visiting me, I called him up and he was drunk at his appartment. I was really worried that he was going to drive so I tried to stay on the phone with him as long as possible, but I just got too tired and he kept inisiting that he was not going to drive drunk, but he also said he was going to drink more. Well, I believed him so I hung up the phone and went to sleep. The next day, I talked to him and he told me that he did drive drunk and he was disappointed in himself. We talked for a bit and he said he needed to find some way to prevent himself from driving while drunk. He seemed to think that was all I needed for peace of mind! That he didnt drive drunk. In his opinion, so long as he's not hurting anyone, he should be able to do whatever he wants. I guess I could say he's hurting me, but he would say that that is my own choice to let myself be hurt. This went against earlier conversations we had about him not getting drunk anymore.
Anyhow, that morning, there was an article in the paper about how a drunk driver (a cop) had hit a 13 year old boy and killed him, and I just sort of decided that his quitting was not happening soon enfoiugh for me. When he is drunk I spend countless hours worrying about him being dead (he can drink more than anyone I have ever seen in my life)or ending up in jail or wose hurting someone else. Not to mention I really want children and I dont think having an alcoholic father would be an easy task for me.
This is getting really long...anyhow...i broke it off with him after the last incident. Now he refuses to talk to me. He says he is trying to get better and I'm not supporting him. He says I'm not being loyal and patient. blah. He wont talk to me now. This is so silly. I mean, here is this man who brings all this crap into my life and I'm dying to to talk to him again. There is just so many wonderful things we did together, long interesting conversations, and just a wonderful, intelligent companion. He adored me and loved me so much too. He made me feel really great about myself which i suppose isnt the greatest reason to stay in a relationship. oh well. I feel like my best friend has died (i dont really have friends...im friendly but have a difficult time making connections with people). I would talk to him on the phone every night for 2 hours or so when we didnt see each other in person. Now I don't have that compaion that cares about me. gah. Its really scary.
I know that we should probably break up (which is what we did). I worry about never finding love again, or finding someone who was so commited to me again. I have had alot of relationships but he was really the only one I felt "in love" with. Im still seriously in love with him. My heart is broken but i feel like its the best thing. I dunno.
Anyhow, anyone else have any similar stories?
I have been reading through alot of the posts on this board and alot of them have really hit home. While the exact circumstances are different, the sense of desperation and feelings are all there...
My story: I'm going to try to make this short! (ha)
I met him on the internet almost 2 years ago. He drank heavily and used some hard drugs when he did so, but for some reason I didn't think much of it. I was never much into a partying scene mostly because I felt uncool, a bit shy and reserved, so I guess I was living a little excitment through him. We had a great relationship and communicated quite well talking for hours every night on the phone. He lived on the other side of the US and eventually moved closer to me. He had no license due to sevral dwis. I thought him moving here would remove him from his (imo) toxic circle of friends and he would clean up...which he did quite a bit. In the last year, he did make alot of "progress". Instead of drinking so often, he rarely got drunk but every now and then he would binge. Anyhow...i guess I'll cut the story short...
he reciently got his license again and i statred to worry about him and drinking while driving. He knows he has a huge problem with this too. One day, after he had gome home from a weekend of visiting me, I called him up and he was drunk at his appartment. I was really worried that he was going to drive so I tried to stay on the phone with him as long as possible, but I just got too tired and he kept inisiting that he was not going to drive drunk, but he also said he was going to drink more. Well, I believed him so I hung up the phone and went to sleep. The next day, I talked to him and he told me that he did drive drunk and he was disappointed in himself. We talked for a bit and he said he needed to find some way to prevent himself from driving while drunk. He seemed to think that was all I needed for peace of mind! That he didnt drive drunk. In his opinion, so long as he's not hurting anyone, he should be able to do whatever he wants. I guess I could say he's hurting me, but he would say that that is my own choice to let myself be hurt. This went against earlier conversations we had about him not getting drunk anymore.
Anyhow, that morning, there was an article in the paper about how a drunk driver (a cop) had hit a 13 year old boy and killed him, and I just sort of decided that his quitting was not happening soon enfoiugh for me. When he is drunk I spend countless hours worrying about him being dead (he can drink more than anyone I have ever seen in my life)or ending up in jail or wose hurting someone else. Not to mention I really want children and I dont think having an alcoholic father would be an easy task for me.
This is getting really long...anyhow...i broke it off with him after the last incident. Now he refuses to talk to me. He says he is trying to get better and I'm not supporting him. He says I'm not being loyal and patient. blah. He wont talk to me now. This is so silly. I mean, here is this man who brings all this crap into my life and I'm dying to to talk to him again. There is just so many wonderful things we did together, long interesting conversations, and just a wonderful, intelligent companion. He adored me and loved me so much too. He made me feel really great about myself which i suppose isnt the greatest reason to stay in a relationship. oh well. I feel like my best friend has died (i dont really have friends...im friendly but have a difficult time making connections with people). I would talk to him on the phone every night for 2 hours or so when we didnt see each other in person. Now I don't have that compaion that cares about me. gah. Its really scary.
I know that we should probably break up (which is what we did). I worry about never finding love again, or finding someone who was so commited to me again. I have had alot of relationships but he was really the only one I felt "in love" with. Im still seriously in love with him. My heart is broken but i feel like its the best thing. I dunno.
Anyhow, anyone else have any similar stories?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 7
...
Of course there is alot more to this story... Sorry if I what I worte doesnt make any sense. I have so many thoughts in my head and its hard to figure out what parts I should include and what I should omit without making my story ridiculously long.
also, yea, i know my nick is spelled incorrectly...anyone know how i can fix that? Thanks everyone.
also, yea, i know my nick is spelled incorrectly...anyone know how i can fix that? Thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
egad if i had a quarter for every time i was told i wasnt loving or loyal for being his doormat....lol i would be rich today.
dont stick around for him to "maybe" change. trust was broken and it has to be earned. you owe him nothing. he chose his course. let him maneuver it.
quietsins
dont stick around for him to "maybe" change. trust was broken and it has to be earned. you owe him nothing. he chose his course. let him maneuver it.
quietsins
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
ps... do you realize that if there was only "one" true love for each of us in the world.. there would never be anyone in love? because the chances of meeting that one would be astronomical.
you are loving, and you will find love. i believe it deeply. his love had conditions... and i hate conditional love... so i walked.
i will find someone... i know you will too.. and read up on how "emotionally available" alcoholics are.. they are incapable of healthy relationships.
internet love is... all based upon fantasy. alcoholic men are cons... conning us, conning themselves, conning their families... and you gotta see thru it. it took me three years to open my eyes.
quietsins
you are loving, and you will find love. i believe it deeply. his love had conditions... and i hate conditional love... so i walked.
i will find someone... i know you will too.. and read up on how "emotionally available" alcoholics are.. they are incapable of healthy relationships.
internet love is... all based upon fantasy. alcoholic men are cons... conning us, conning themselves, conning their families... and you gotta see thru it. it took me three years to open my eyes.
quietsins
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 7
quietsins:
Yea, loyalty seemed much more important to him than for myself. Loyalty was something I never even thougt much about until I met him. Its sort of like a little trap...I find myself keeping alot of my feelings and situations to myself for fear of not being loyal. (of course, if he said things about me to other people that I was uncomfortable with (i.e. parts of our sex life to his friends) he thought I was being overly sensitive)
You are totally right about leting him chose his course. I really should just let him be and leave him alone to his own decisions. Its just the addicted to an addict thing. sigh...
Yea, loyalty seemed much more important to him than for myself. Loyalty was something I never even thougt much about until I met him. Its sort of like a little trap...I find myself keeping alot of my feelings and situations to myself for fear of not being loyal. (of course, if he said things about me to other people that I was uncomfortable with (i.e. parts of our sex life to his friends) he thought I was being overly sensitive)
You are totally right about leting him chose his course. I really should just let him be and leave him alone to his own decisions. Its just the addicted to an addict thing. sigh...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
you sure we werent seeing the same guy? lol mine got all "loyalty" whenever he screwed up... and you can bet i heard the same thing from his friends regarding our sex life.
seems alcoholics also love the internet... thats where they find women like us who buy into the "illusion" they create. its just the reality doesnt come close.
mine was a porn addict, gambler, liar, drunk, abusive to his kids, angry, mean and sloppy drunk. for three years i tried to see "thru" all that to the real him. and for a short short short time when he tried being sober.. i saw it. but it was consumed by the monster bottle again. and in that bottle right now he pickles himself. his choice.
i got tired of being wrong, i got tired of apologizing for things i didnt do, i got tired of apologizing for having an opinion, a thought, a feeling, hell i apologized for being me. and i even apologized for not loving him the way "he thought i should". you know what? i am sick of apologizing.
in three years i manipulated, i cried, i hurt, i wept, i begged, and i apologized. and not once did he dance with me. which he knew meant the world to me. just once i wished to dance with him.
i saw him thru moving, two new jobs, getting custody of his son, surgery to repair his knee, and family funerals. he couldnt even dance with me once.
i got sick of asking. when i bought a trip to cancun for his 50th bday and he wanted to get all drunk and drugged up with his friend on easter. i went without him. i got sick of waiting.
i got sick of the lies, the half truths, the blame, the accusations, being peed on in bed, having to babysit someone my age, having to tell someone what was healthy and what wasnt, and got tired of being the heavy for all his hangovers. i got sick. i got really sick. i even thought of ending my life because if someone this pathetic cant love me, then i am not worthy of love.
gad was i wrong. i was wrong wrong wrong. i was so wrong. he is a sick person with a disease. and i am not going to live my life like that. i am going to heal, and get stronger, and i am already happier. sure i miss the rare sparks of who he really was... but lets face it... only they can fight their demons and if we step in.. they fight us.
i am getting better. each day i get a little healthier. a little stronger. and a little wiser. i see what i could have done differently. but in the end... i had to find a partner willing to dance. and i know some day i will.
quietsins
seems alcoholics also love the internet... thats where they find women like us who buy into the "illusion" they create. its just the reality doesnt come close.
mine was a porn addict, gambler, liar, drunk, abusive to his kids, angry, mean and sloppy drunk. for three years i tried to see "thru" all that to the real him. and for a short short short time when he tried being sober.. i saw it. but it was consumed by the monster bottle again. and in that bottle right now he pickles himself. his choice.
i got tired of being wrong, i got tired of apologizing for things i didnt do, i got tired of apologizing for having an opinion, a thought, a feeling, hell i apologized for being me. and i even apologized for not loving him the way "he thought i should". you know what? i am sick of apologizing.
in three years i manipulated, i cried, i hurt, i wept, i begged, and i apologized. and not once did he dance with me. which he knew meant the world to me. just once i wished to dance with him.
i saw him thru moving, two new jobs, getting custody of his son, surgery to repair his knee, and family funerals. he couldnt even dance with me once.
i got sick of asking. when i bought a trip to cancun for his 50th bday and he wanted to get all drunk and drugged up with his friend on easter. i went without him. i got sick of waiting.
i got sick of the lies, the half truths, the blame, the accusations, being peed on in bed, having to babysit someone my age, having to tell someone what was healthy and what wasnt, and got tired of being the heavy for all his hangovers. i got sick. i got really sick. i even thought of ending my life because if someone this pathetic cant love me, then i am not worthy of love.
gad was i wrong. i was wrong wrong wrong. i was so wrong. he is a sick person with a disease. and i am not going to live my life like that. i am going to heal, and get stronger, and i am already happier. sure i miss the rare sparks of who he really was... but lets face it... only they can fight their demons and if we step in.. they fight us.
i am getting better. each day i get a little healthier. a little stronger. and a little wiser. i see what i could have done differently. but in the end... i had to find a partner willing to dance. and i know some day i will.
quietsins
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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i got sick of the lies, the half truths, the blame, the accusations, being peed on in bed, having to babysit someone my age, having to tell someone what was healthy and what wasnt, and got tired of being the heavy for all his hangovers. i got sick. i got really sick.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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Originally Posted by Seaching4peace
Its sort of like a little trap...I find myself keeping alot of my feelings and situations to myself for fear of not being loyal. (of course, if he said things about me to other people that I was uncomfortable with (i.e. parts of our sex life to his friends) he thought I was being overly sensitive)
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Originally Posted by quietsins
....i miss the rare sparks of who he really was... but lets face it... only they can fight their demons and if we step in.. they fight us.
quietsins
quietsins
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