JessicaNAJ

to handle this.....

This is day 3 where my H has not shown up in the AM to get the kids because he didn't hear his alarm clock. He is no longer working two jobs and can't use the excuse he's tired because he's working so much.

Anyway, the reason he's sleeping through his alarm is not the issue. Yesterday I was late to work b/c he did not show up. Partially my fault for not getting up sooner and being prepared for him to not show up.

I want to tell him that he cannot keep doing this. And I cannot keep running around in the AM like a chicken with my head cut off b/c he's not there, like he said he would be, to help. Is there a contructive way to tell him? I hope this makes sense.

minnie

Jessica, hon, I think you're making this more complicated than it needs to be. You set a boundary, if I recall, that if he doesn't turn up ONCE more, then you would call off the arrangement. So what's changed?

It only needs to be constructive from the perspective of YOUR boundaries, not to try and get him to do something you want him to do.

Does this make sense?

JessicaNAJ

That does make sense. What has changed is he's not drinking. It was him that came to me and suggested he pick up the kids. I'm playing right along and by not saying anything will make him think it is acceptable.

Your right Minnie. I will tell him tonight he I don't need him to get the kids in the morning. Reason - I cannot depend on him to be there and i don't need that kind of stress in the morning. It will be one less think I will have to worry about.

Thank you.

minnie

It's not about his drinking, hon. It's about the fact that he said he would do something and didn't, and it is a great inconvenience to you.

It's not that you don't need him to pick the kids up necessarily, it's that you need to know that he will do what he says he's going to do. Don't forget, we teach others how to treat us.

(((hugs)))

Minnie
xxx

JessicaNAJ

I agree. CoDe habits that need to be kicked in the bud....I'm still learning. And I liked the way you put that. That is a very constructive way to tell him. I think I will use your words if you don't mind.

ASpouse

I have to agree with Minnie for what it's worth. You are teetering on the fence of your boundary. You can't depend on him, you already know that. Stick to your plan. If you are running around like a chicken in the morning, it's because you are depending on someone who is obviously undependable.

He may not be drinking, but he is not in a program and he is behaving like a dry drunk. By not saying anything I don't think you are "saying" that his behavior is acceptable. One day he will show up and you will be gone. That will tell him that his behavior was and is unacceptable.

pmaslan

Jessica, I know it's great to have help in the morning when you are rushing off to work but.....I think finding an alternate plan is benificial to you in the long run. No more wondering "will he show up today or not." Personally, I would find a time of day or evening when he may tend to be more dependable and then use that time away from the kids to do something for yourself. Sounds ideal I know, how realistic is another thing, just a thought....
Love, Patty

JessicaNAJ

Patty - I hear you about the other time of day....but my problem is his dependability. That is a huge issue I have. I'm tired of being the one that does EVERYTHING, you know. I'm the responsible one. I want him to be responsible too. This was his suggestion and his chance to show me that he can be responsible and dependable. And he blew it. He has four alarm clocks - How can he sleep through all of them.

I use to have a sitter who came to my house every morning and got the kids off. Yes, I got spoiled. But you know what? I adjusted over the winter and was totally fine with taking them where they needed to go. That was my routine and I was fine with it. Now, i'm back to depending on him and it ain't working. I can't do it. It's not worth it.

This is something I need to add to my list of "How deep is my love for him?" I want my H to be a man and take care of his family. He's not doing that.

JessicaNAJ

I'm not doing that. I'm going to tell him to not even bother showing up. It's not worth the frustration. Now, lets see if he can make it to work on time b/c I won't be knocking on his door to wake him up anymore. (I would do this so he could get my son to school and I wouldn't be late for work.)

GettingBy

A completely reasonable want/need, if your husband was healthy. I have the very same wants/needs, and I struggle alot with accepting that he just can't be that guy. So I have to figure out a way to love him just as he is. I accept that my husband can't help out with the chores, manage his own money, be responsible/dependable so I usually try to work out a way to compromise with him about it (let him pick the chores he feels he is capable of, an amount of money he feels comfortable having control of, tasks he feels he can be responsible about). If we can't come up with a compromise (which that sounds like what you are trying to do), then I have to accept the goods "as-is" and if I don't want things "as-is", then I have to move on. For me, the reality is that until my husband begins a true recovery program, he really isn't capable of much. I can't depend on him for much, so I *try* to not let my expectations get too high. My expectations are what leads to MY dissappointments.

To me, it sounds like you both tried to come up with a solution, it's not working... so it's time for you to move on. Accept that he can't be trusted to get the kids, move on with Plan B.

minnie

GettingBy, you make a good point. We can't get Orange juice out of apples.

jojo

Jessica -

How about this. Everyone morning you should get up and get everybody ready to go as if you are planning on taking the kids. If he shows up on time, he takes them and you have some spare time to do something extra at home or run an errand that you might have done later in the day. If he doesn't show up you are ready to go. No skin off your nose either way. If he shows up on time it will be a pleasant surprise. If he shows up and you are already gone - too bad for him. You will be working your own plan without worrying about what he is going to do. Just my two cents!

Hugs, Jo

ASpouse

That's exactly what I said.

JessicaNAJ

So, don't tell him anything, but be prepared on my end. That makes sense and I've done that before (then I starting getting too used to him being there on time....my bad).

I want him to know that I don't appreciate him saying he's going to be there and then not show up. Regardless of the reason. Yes, I was a little rushed and overwhelmed this morning when I started this thread, but helping me get the kids ready really isn't the issue. The issue is what Minnie said.....he said he would do something and he's not. I don't find that acceptable and I feel like I need to address that with him.

I agree with Jo about being ready and if he shows up I have some spare time on my hands and if not, then I can get the kids off without rushing. That would definately take some stress off my end, but don't that defeat the purpose of....he should to do what he says. Or am I being unreasonable? I mean, if he can't do it he should say so.

Just because he's not in a program does not make this acceptable. It's unfair to me and again, I'll be the one doing all the work and he will just sit back and enjoy the ride. Then I'll be the one thats being taken for the ride. If that makes any sense.

I'm supposed to be helping ME....how is any of this helping me? Am I just totally confused and not getting it? sigh......sorry

(I mean mentally helping me....not physically, meaning him coming over....I'm not that spoiled.)

ASpouse

Jessica, if he was in a program, he would learn he needs to keep his commitments and responsibilities. He would learn he needs to live life on lifes terms.

Yes and no, you are confused but you're not. You've addressed this with him before, how many times do you need to address this with him .... until he gets it? until he does what you want? I don't quite understand. He's not a child where he needs to be reminded of his responsibilities. He knows what they are and if he does not do what he promises or asks to do, then he suffers the consequences for his actions. Same stuff we teach our kids.

Just today my son was swinging a stick around and hit one of the dogs. Yes it was an accident, but I took the stick away and said "you can have it back tomorrow". He suffered the consequences of his actions ........ if he was more responsible and careful with it, he could have it, but since he wasn't, then he didn't get it. I know this is a weird analogy, but the principle is the same.

You have put yourself in such a strange position with your AH. He offered to come by and get the kids off to school and you accepted. Now that he isn't being as dependable as he was, you are upset, rightfully so. Where is the boundary again?

GettingBy

Again, I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable... if your husband wasn't sick. I agree about wanting to confront him about the fact that he is not living up to his part of an agreement. I'm not sure how to say it exactly (I really suck at talking about my boundaries! But don't we all?!!?!?) but I know that it should be a conversation of fact and not emotion.

I really like Jo-jo's idea... but I would share with your husband that is your intent... to me that would be saying that Plan A is you take the kids, and then Plan B is hubby take the kids. That way Plan B isn't a let-down... it's actually a pleasant surprise!

I think how you'd be helping you is by minimizing your expectations thereby minimizing your potential dissappointments. It's a mindset shift... don't think of it as him not pulling his weight. I guess I would try to look at it as saving my sanity!

I hope my 2cents helps... Hearing your stories has really helped me, so thanks for sharing!

JessicaNAJ

Lightbulb moment.

Gettingby - My boundary was exactly what JoJo said. I believe I told him if he wasn't here by 7:15 I was leaving. I wasn't going to wait to see if he called and I wasn't going to call him to see if he was on his way. Yea!!! Thank you guys.

Sorry Minnie - I did make this harder than it was.

How did I get so lost??? Because I slipped back into giving him the benefit of the doubt, thus setting myself up for disappointments. But I got it now. Thank you for helping me.

JessicaNAJ

Who Cares What He Does.....as Long As I'm Doing What's Best For Me And My Sanity.

Mr. Christian

Hi,
I feel also that you just need to act like he is not going to show up.
Just do your thing and if he enters the pic, then so be it.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Christian.

Tomorrow, I am going to do just that. It is so easy to get sucked back into the chaos. I'm so glad I have friends here that help put me back on track.