Trying to Decide... Opion please
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Cynay, everyone of us have that same feeling of feeling like we must be nothing if they can so easily forget us... they really dont know how good they had it to have someone willing to see through this disease, this disease which is a life time battle, which may fall into relapse again over time (HIGH CHANCE STATISTICALLY) and this disease which would genetically high chance pass to our kids whom we will continue to have to fight until our death. We understood this and we were willing to be with this person.
We saw through this disease and we loved them...
They cant see how meaningful and how good they had it... like a teenage who cant appreciate living in a nice home with all bills and food taken cared of by the parent, is the same the dry drunks cannot see. Its the same.... and no ration or logic or amount of "i love you"'s will change it.
Protect yourself, I really dont want to see you get hurt. Your doing a great job moving forward, think of it this way now....
If its meant to be, maybe he'll come back. But if you never let him come back on his own, you'd forever wonder if he'd come back cause he missed and love you or if it was because you kept chasing him.
Let him go, let destiny... I think someone who lives nearby you needs to go to your home and lock you up LOL
We saw through this disease and we loved them...
They cant see how meaningful and how good they had it... like a teenage who cant appreciate living in a nice home with all bills and food taken cared of by the parent, is the same the dry drunks cannot see. Its the same.... and no ration or logic or amount of "i love you"'s will change it.
Protect yourself, I really dont want to see you get hurt. Your doing a great job moving forward, think of it this way now....
If its meant to be, maybe he'll come back. But if you never let him come back on his own, you'd forever wonder if he'd come back cause he missed and love you or if it was because you kept chasing him.
Let him go, let destiny... I think someone who lives nearby you needs to go to your home and lock you up LOL
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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ROFL.... Code too funny
That is one of the reasons I have thought to send the card... was the M-Day call a reaching out from him.... I have let go in the sense that I did not return that call, do not call him I have even gotten so much better that I dont check up on him anymore and trust me I have the tools to see exactaly what he is doing. I have completely seperated myself from him... other then I think about him all the time.
That is one of the reasons I have thought to send the card... was the M-Day call a reaching out from him.... I have let go in the sense that I did not return that call, do not call him I have even gotten so much better that I dont check up on him anymore and trust me I have the tools to see exactaly what he is doing. I have completely seperated myself from him... other then I think about him all the time.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by CodeMaster
I have the very same thoughts as you Cynay as you know. I wonder what it would be like to date sober... you think, man, they stopped drinking, they sound and look happy!
But what if I told you really things are worst then when they were drinking... the dry drunk phase is covered up as much as possible when you barely hear or see them, they are on their best behaviors and keep in mind out of all the people they want to prove their life has changed one of the main people would include YOU.
They will enter this teenage mentality that says "I'll SHOW YOU I CAN DO IT!!!" as if your the enemy, or the parent that has disciplined them. Such reactions can be suprising cause you were always the supporter of anything and everything only to be looked at as the enemy. Its the biggest surreal part of this experience.
Thus when you get that call, he sounds so healthy and happy, its as if he's a new man. But you dont see what he's like alone... what I told you its worst then when he was drinking....
The dry drunk phase is very real, and its like waking up from a decade of being drunk. It will take years for this hangover to pass and if the drug damage was severe enough, some say its an IF it will pass, not when. Permanent damage happens to the mind and body easily whether people can easily see it or not.
I remember my ex, when we were still speaking terms, at one point, she even told me (this was post starting sobriety) how when she was alone, she started going nuts. Her life looks like its PERFECT in the very few minutes I have to see her, she is dressed and combed at her best, and etc... but when she is living her normal day, she recently got in a car accident cause she had to rush to a CDRP meeting and hit a car costing her $1000 out of her pocket which she barely has. If life was really so perfect, why would you still seem like the same hectic late for everything person.
I mean, she has no responsibility except to live, and visit a meeting or two during the day in order to stay in this half way home.
Yet, when we were TRYING to be friends (which I could easily imagine happening to you if you tried to be his friend again), she would be nice ... sometimes. Then her flakey nature would still happen, her lack of ability to keep her word would still happen, and her amazing ability to hurt me in front of others keep happening. Things that you wouldnt think a nice person would do will happen.
Dont forget your ex's lying, in the name of recovery, we shouldnt date babe.... only to find him dating others. The lies continue, the same self continues, and if anything, has gotten WORST.
The stage after sobriety is not a waking up turning into a butterfly, its really waking up in the COMA after some pretty serious body damage being hit by a truck. On the outside, the skin will become healthier as the alcohol fades. But inside, it is very much like that.
Lets not forget him waking up with a teenage mindset, thinking logic is an impossibility.
Dont be swayed by a nice hello and nice voice sounding so healthy, it is him at his very best! Afterall, he will want to prove to you he isnt a loser. And he's not... but he thinks 6 months sober means he's an amazing man now... really, he's waken up in the coma broken, and it will take a long time to walk straight again.
Just helping to remind you, cause I forget all these things all too easily. All the BOTHER that happens when she is around is gone, I can only see the love I had for her now... I know once she steps back in my life, all the BOTHER or "choas" you call it, will cover up the love and be much worst then the love is worth.
Take care yourself, best wishes always
Sorry my posting is so long.... as far as his birthday, he will be fine. He can have his new dates say it to him, and remind himself he's lying for the name of recovery.
But what if I told you really things are worst then when they were drinking... the dry drunk phase is covered up as much as possible when you barely hear or see them, they are on their best behaviors and keep in mind out of all the people they want to prove their life has changed one of the main people would include YOU.
They will enter this teenage mentality that says "I'll SHOW YOU I CAN DO IT!!!" as if your the enemy, or the parent that has disciplined them. Such reactions can be suprising cause you were always the supporter of anything and everything only to be looked at as the enemy. Its the biggest surreal part of this experience.
Thus when you get that call, he sounds so healthy and happy, its as if he's a new man. But you dont see what he's like alone... what I told you its worst then when he was drinking....
The dry drunk phase is very real, and its like waking up from a decade of being drunk. It will take years for this hangover to pass and if the drug damage was severe enough, some say its an IF it will pass, not when. Permanent damage happens to the mind and body easily whether people can easily see it or not.
I remember my ex, when we were still speaking terms, at one point, she even told me (this was post starting sobriety) how when she was alone, she started going nuts. Her life looks like its PERFECT in the very few minutes I have to see her, she is dressed and combed at her best, and etc... but when she is living her normal day, she recently got in a car accident cause she had to rush to a CDRP meeting and hit a car costing her $1000 out of her pocket which she barely has. If life was really so perfect, why would you still seem like the same hectic late for everything person.
I mean, she has no responsibility except to live, and visit a meeting or two during the day in order to stay in this half way home.
Yet, when we were TRYING to be friends (which I could easily imagine happening to you if you tried to be his friend again), she would be nice ... sometimes. Then her flakey nature would still happen, her lack of ability to keep her word would still happen, and her amazing ability to hurt me in front of others keep happening. Things that you wouldnt think a nice person would do will happen.
Dont forget your ex's lying, in the name of recovery, we shouldnt date babe.... only to find him dating others. The lies continue, the same self continues, and if anything, has gotten WORST.
The stage after sobriety is not a waking up turning into a butterfly, its really waking up in the COMA after some pretty serious body damage being hit by a truck. On the outside, the skin will become healthier as the alcohol fades. But inside, it is very much like that.
Lets not forget him waking up with a teenage mindset, thinking logic is an impossibility.
Dont be swayed by a nice hello and nice voice sounding so healthy, it is him at his very best! Afterall, he will want to prove to you he isnt a loser. And he's not... but he thinks 6 months sober means he's an amazing man now... really, he's waken up in the coma broken, and it will take a long time to walk straight again.
Just helping to remind you, cause I forget all these things all too easily. All the BOTHER that happens when she is around is gone, I can only see the love I had for her now... I know once she steps back in my life, all the BOTHER or "choas" you call it, will cover up the love and be much worst then the love is worth.
Take care yourself, best wishes always
Sorry my posting is so long.... as far as his birthday, he will be fine. He can have his new dates say it to him, and remind himself he's lying for the name of recovery.
CodeMaster,
I must agree with you again!! Your advice is very true. However, I seem to forget to follow it at times. If you read my thread again, it will expalin what happened this past week with my X-ABF. The key to remember is now that the person you love is sober, doesn't mean it's going to be easy...it actually gets harder and tougher!!! Keep your advice flowing!!! It really helps a person think more about things. I am glad I read this today, it reminded me of what I need to do. Maybe now I can stop crying. Thanks!
Yankeegirl
As for you Cynay, I think the right thing to do is not call or send a card. However, I am at that stage where I don't do the right thing. So I would probably send a card. Well, only send it if you know you truly do still have feelings for him. If you know that you want to wait the year and see what happends, then I would also still send the card. You know the saying "If you love someone or something set it free, if it is meant to be it will come back to you".
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I have to say that I'm in complete agreement with all the points that Friend of Bill has raised. You say you want to let go, but your actions are saying something different.
So ask yourself this: Did this relationship work for you? If you contact your A and leave the door open to resume the relationship, are you willing to accept his unacceptable behavior and all the emotional (and perhaps physical) baggage that alcoholics often bring into relationships? And if so, why don't you think you deserve more?
So ask yourself this: Did this relationship work for you? If you contact your A and leave the door open to resume the relationship, are you willing to accept his unacceptable behavior and all the emotional (and perhaps physical) baggage that alcoholics often bring into relationships? And if so, why don't you think you deserve more?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Originally Posted by Cynay
Also I was thinking of my Motivation in this... I would have to be honest and say that I guess I do want to keep that thread there... I dont want him to forget me.
Now that is nuts too considering that he is soooo toxic for me and the last I saw him nothing had changed at all. He was just a dry drunk...
Maybe Im not ready to give up all hope??? Bahhh I need theraphy
Now that is nuts too considering that he is soooo toxic for me and the last I saw him nothing had changed at all. He was just a dry drunk...
Maybe Im not ready to give up all hope??? Bahhh I need theraphy
But for now, you just try to find what destiny is trying to show you. You keep exploring this huge world and just trust destiny will take care of both of you in whatever path it is trying to guide you to.
Its not like if you dont keep this thread with him that you wont ever meet again some day, and by that time, who knows if you will want him anymore. Maybe, maybe not... but why think about it...
Just enjoy what destiny has to show you...
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Originally Posted by Cynay
I really dont want to talk to him, I just dont want to hear more lies, chaos and the issues he has...
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Good Points.... Boy lots to think about.
I dont have the answers as to why I feel the need to acknowledge his B-Day, or why I want to keep that door open and its driving me nuts.
The best way to describe it is the difference between the head and the heart. I know logically that I dont want to talk to him, I cant imagine that much has changed in 1 1/2 months since I talked to him last.... I dont want/need the chaos in my life... I cant stand hearing all the talk and knowing that is all it is ... talk, nothing he says concerning us has ever come to pass. I know this in my head.... No I could not live in that relationship the way it was.... that really is unacceptable behavior. Yes my actions are one of letting go ... and how does the saying go.... Fake it till its real, my heart just has not caught up so far.
The heart is a different matter completely, there I feel that yes he needs to recover, yes I need to stay distant for him to recover... but if/when he ever gets to the point that he could possibly have a relationship would he think of me first? Would anything that we shared or any of the good be remembered or would he just start fresh with whom ever he is around now... which would be an AA girl. There is part of me that is frustrated because I may never have the opportunity to see the real him, a healthy him and that will be given to someone that has not had to go through what I have, I go through the crap and they would get the gravey??? Does that make sense? I wont have a choice when he is healthy as to if I would want that relationship or not, of course that assumes he will recover someday and yes I know there are no guarentees for that.
Perhaps its an unhealthy way to feel, but regardless Im still feeling it, I dont expect to heal overnight and I thought I was doing good till I heard his voice again... matters of the heart dont always make sense, but its very much as real as the logical.
My first Al-non meeting is Monday.
I dont have the answers as to why I feel the need to acknowledge his B-Day, or why I want to keep that door open and its driving me nuts.
The best way to describe it is the difference between the head and the heart. I know logically that I dont want to talk to him, I cant imagine that much has changed in 1 1/2 months since I talked to him last.... I dont want/need the chaos in my life... I cant stand hearing all the talk and knowing that is all it is ... talk, nothing he says concerning us has ever come to pass. I know this in my head.... No I could not live in that relationship the way it was.... that really is unacceptable behavior. Yes my actions are one of letting go ... and how does the saying go.... Fake it till its real, my heart just has not caught up so far.
The heart is a different matter completely, there I feel that yes he needs to recover, yes I need to stay distant for him to recover... but if/when he ever gets to the point that he could possibly have a relationship would he think of me first? Would anything that we shared or any of the good be remembered or would he just start fresh with whom ever he is around now... which would be an AA girl. There is part of me that is frustrated because I may never have the opportunity to see the real him, a healthy him and that will be given to someone that has not had to go through what I have, I go through the crap and they would get the gravey??? Does that make sense? I wont have a choice when he is healthy as to if I would want that relationship or not, of course that assumes he will recover someday and yes I know there are no guarentees for that.
Perhaps its an unhealthy way to feel, but regardless Im still feeling it, I dont expect to heal overnight and I thought I was doing good till I heard his voice again... matters of the heart dont always make sense, but its very much as real as the logical.
My first Al-non meeting is Monday.
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Minx I hope so, Im trying to stay clear of areas that I know have AA and Al-non meetings together... as I sure dont want to run into my ex..... I know Im not at a point that if I saw him with someone it would not effect me deeply.
SO I hope this place I found is good, otherwise I will let you know and see what I can do about finding a place that I feel safe in.
SO I hope this place I found is good, otherwise I will let you know and see what I can do about finding a place that I feel safe in.
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*laughs* Knowing how I feel about AA Im not sure Al-non will be a solution... but Im not so closed mined that I will not look.
I also have a phone number to a therapist. I really need to get through this, I know it takes time but DANG...
I also have a phone number to a therapist. I really need to get through this, I know it takes time but DANG...
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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Cynay,
Hi I don't post here often but as I read I was thinking... If he phoned you and left the message with a "Call me" and you are having trouble with this Birthday thing. Well... if you happen to send him a card why don't you put in it your boundaries. Letting the A know the boundaries and them understanding them and respecting them might be a way of answering some of your questions.
Just a thought
Hi I don't post here often but as I read I was thinking... If he phoned you and left the message with a "Call me" and you are having trouble with this Birthday thing. Well... if you happen to send him a card why don't you put in it your boundaries. Letting the A know the boundaries and them understanding them and respecting them might be a way of answering some of your questions.
Just a thought
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Diva ... that is a thought, but I only had to give him one boundry.... That Im not comfortable sleeping with him, when he cant be in a comitted relationship... After that one he has only called the one time and at that it was at a time he knew I would not be answering the phone.... I dont think I need worry about telling him the boundries..
I dont know that I will hear from him again, and if I do it would be cuz I initiated it. That has always been the case with us. When we started seeing each other in March it was only because I called to ask for the last of my things... he started asking probing questions and I suggested if he wanted to talk we meet face to face. Its harder for him to lie when Im in front of him. Even then he called and asked his "sponsor" who told him not to see me, he canceled with a VM and I went over anyway.... I got my things the next day, but it started that month roller coaster.
If I dont contact him I dont think I have anything to worry about.... it would only be sniper VMs and that will end too when he gets close to someone else.
I dont know that I will hear from him again, and if I do it would be cuz I initiated it. That has always been the case with us. When we started seeing each other in March it was only because I called to ask for the last of my things... he started asking probing questions and I suggested if he wanted to talk we meet face to face. Its harder for him to lie when Im in front of him. Even then he called and asked his "sponsor" who told him not to see me, he canceled with a VM and I went over anyway.... I got my things the next day, but it started that month roller coaster.
If I dont contact him I dont think I have anything to worry about.... it would only be sniper VMs and that will end too when he gets close to someone else.
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I think you are right by not calling until your emotions are healed more, when you can talk to him with a sence of confidence and not a sence that you will pull on each other. I heard this quote a long time ago, If its love let it go , if it comes back to you then it was the real thing, if it does not , you surely don't want to miss the real love that is waiting for you.
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