I Need Help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 4
I Need Help.
I am new here and have been reading some of the other messages. My case is similar to some but I need some advice.
I am 23 years old with a 2 year old daughter. My BF and I have been living together for a year. He owns a Construction company and is an alcoholic at 28. There are times when it is worse and I have told him that I wait for the good days. He has been in and out of rehab and drinking since he was 18. His drinking does not effect the business and he is successful.
Where the problem comes in is that my daughters "father" is not involved in her life at all so my BF has been raising her since we have been together. There are nights where he will pass out on the couch or he will be really rude to her because he has been drinking. She is really different when he has been drinking and likes to seperate herself from him and this really annoys him. People have told me that I need to get out now before she is raised in an "unstable" family. Will his drinking affect her dramatically?
Also there is something that i have not been able to find answers to. When he is really trashed and passes out there have been times where he has "wet the bed". Why is this? and has anyone else ever heard of this?
He tells me that he is afraid to go to the Dr because he does't want to hear what is wrong with him because of the drinking. I love him very much and we are happy together most of the time. I wish he could get help there has to be something that will change him.
Thank you for all your help and listening!
I am 23 years old with a 2 year old daughter. My BF and I have been living together for a year. He owns a Construction company and is an alcoholic at 28. There are times when it is worse and I have told him that I wait for the good days. He has been in and out of rehab and drinking since he was 18. His drinking does not effect the business and he is successful.
Where the problem comes in is that my daughters "father" is not involved in her life at all so my BF has been raising her since we have been together. There are nights where he will pass out on the couch or he will be really rude to her because he has been drinking. She is really different when he has been drinking and likes to seperate herself from him and this really annoys him. People have told me that I need to get out now before she is raised in an "unstable" family. Will his drinking affect her dramatically?
Also there is something that i have not been able to find answers to. When he is really trashed and passes out there have been times where he has "wet the bed". Why is this? and has anyone else ever heard of this?
He tells me that he is afraid to go to the Dr because he does't want to hear what is wrong with him because of the drinking. I love him very much and we are happy together most of the time. I wish he could get help there has to be something that will change him.
Thank you for all your help and listening!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi and welcome to SR...
There is no doubt his words and actions will affect her. She's responding now by detaching from him. One thing you have to remember...children are little sponges. They soak up everything. EVERYTHING
He knows there is a problem. You know there is too. You daughter doesn't, but she's not comfortable being around someone who is hurting her feelings and making her feel bad. Smart little chickie.
Have you considered attending alanon? Give it some thought if you've never been to meetings. There's lots of brochures with information that will give you lots of insight into the disease and it's affects. And it affects everyone. No one is immune.
Bed wetting??? Yeppers. There was a rather large post here last month, I think, about them wetting themselves. I don't want to say it's normal, but I've seen it and seems lots of others have. I can't remember what folks thought was the reason, but mine with my AH is that he was so passed out and dead to the world, he didn't know when the urge hit him.
Blessings and take care
There is no doubt his words and actions will affect her. She's responding now by detaching from him. One thing you have to remember...children are little sponges. They soak up everything. EVERYTHING
He knows there is a problem. You know there is too. You daughter doesn't, but she's not comfortable being around someone who is hurting her feelings and making her feel bad. Smart little chickie.
Have you considered attending alanon? Give it some thought if you've never been to meetings. There's lots of brochures with information that will give you lots of insight into the disease and it's affects. And it affects everyone. No one is immune.
Bed wetting??? Yeppers. There was a rather large post here last month, I think, about them wetting themselves. I don't want to say it's normal, but I've seen it and seems lots of others have. I can't remember what folks thought was the reason, but mine with my AH is that he was so passed out and dead to the world, he didn't know when the urge hit him.
Blessings and take care
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Stardreamer,
Welcome to SR. Alcoholism causes a lot of strange behavior. I have experienced my spouse wetting the bed, changing personality, and seeming to continue using even though it had destructive consequences.
Unfortunately, until they are ready to quit, they won't. If they try, and can't quit by themself, AA has been very successful for many. But they must want to quit and be willing to try a different way of living.
As for us, the family that loves them, there is Al-Anon. I joined because I knew that I needed help. I found myself consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear. I needed the support and guidance to get through the rough times, and learn to take care of myself. I know how painful it is to watch someone being destroyed by alcoholism. But being sucked down with them isn't helping anyone. I needed to find a way to be strong and sane.
This forum has been a wonderful tool in my recovery. There are people here who understand and care. I am glad you joined us. Hugs, Magic
Welcome to SR. Alcoholism causes a lot of strange behavior. I have experienced my spouse wetting the bed, changing personality, and seeming to continue using even though it had destructive consequences.
Unfortunately, until they are ready to quit, they won't. If they try, and can't quit by themself, AA has been very successful for many. But they must want to quit and be willing to try a different way of living.
As for us, the family that loves them, there is Al-Anon. I joined because I knew that I needed help. I found myself consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear. I needed the support and guidance to get through the rough times, and learn to take care of myself. I know how painful it is to watch someone being destroyed by alcoholism. But being sucked down with them isn't helping anyone. I needed to find a way to be strong and sane.
This forum has been a wonderful tool in my recovery. There are people here who understand and care. I am glad you joined us. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
I want to just say "yes". hahaha
First of all, welcome! Am so glad you found your way here.
Are you sure? Is it possible that problems may reveal themselves as time progresses? Is it possible that he could accomplish more if it weren't for this millstone around his neck?
She's only 2, yet you yourself said
Doesn't that answer your own question?
If you read thru the old posts, this has come up many times.
I doubt if he needs a doctor to tell him what's wrong with him. He has a disease called alcoholism.
He could. Any day. Any time. The key is he has to want to.
But you have a powerful alternative available to you. You can go to al-anon. You can find out how to help you, because in reality, you are the only one you can change. Many of us can tell you nothing will make as much a difference as that hour of your time you spend at a meeting.
I'm so glad you've found us! I suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum...those posts are golden. So put up your feet, read and hang out...many here will be able to share their experiences and perhaps you can glean a bit from each of them that will help you on your journey.
First of all, welcome!
Am so glad you found your way here.
His drinking does not effect the business and he is successful.
People have told me that I need to get out now before she is raised in an "unstable" family. Will his drinking affect her dramatically?
She is really different when he has been drinking and likes to seperate herself from him
"wet the bed".
he does't want to hear what is wrong with him because of the drinking.
I wish he could get help there has to be something that will change him.
But you have a powerful alternative available to you. You can go to al-anon. You can find out how to help you, because in reality, you are the only one you can change. Many of us can tell you nothing will make as much a difference as that hour of your time you spend at a meeting.
I'm so glad you've found us! I suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum...those posts are golden. So put up your feet, read and hang out...many here will be able to share their experiences and perhaps you can glean a bit from each of them that will help you on your journey.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
This link will save your life if you love an alcoholic.
Welcome and keep coming back!
This link will save your life if you love an alcoholic.
Welcome and keep coming back!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by Stardreamer
His drinking does not effect the business and he is successful.
Originally Posted by Stardreamer
Will his drinking affect her dramatically?
Originally Posted by Stardreamer
I wish he could get help there has to be something that will change him.
Take care of yourself and that precious little one!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your advice. I have actually looked into some Al-Anon programs in my community and I talked with his mom last night about going. I am going to sit with him this weekend and let him know that I am going to go to try to find answers in what to do. We go through this every now and then and then things start to get better and worse again. This time I am going to really seek help and if I start maybe it is something that he will do to.
Thank you all again - I think this is all stuff that I knew but I needed to here other people say it.
GOD Bless You all
Thank you all again - I think this is all stuff that I knew but I needed to here other people say it.
GOD Bless You all
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Stardreamer,
There are "functioning" alcoholics that can drink and still get up in the morning and go to work everyday and do a half way decent job. BUT, you can fool some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time.
The employers/co-workers will notice eventually. I used to be a supervisor of a really good crew of guys years back. One named Ollie, was a sweetheart. Hard worker, an older guy that served in Viet Nam. He couldn't get passed the PTSD he was suffering from, so he drank daily. I thought he drank at night. He came in every day, never called in sick and did a great job. But, he always carried around a coffee cup with him with coffee in it. He took that with him everywhere he went.
One day, after I had accepted another job, the administrator found him passed out in the basement at work and saw that he had been putting vodka in his coffee all that time. They offered him the chance to keep his job and go get rehab at the vet hospital or lose his job. He chose to lose his job. I once asked him "Ollie, do you think you'll ever quit drinking?" he said "No, alcohol is my life".
That's sad. I often think about him.
Children, no matter what age, can pick up on anything. They are SO smart and we don't even realize how smart they are. I was a drinker when my kids were little (been sober 11 yrs...thank God) and even my youngest, who was 3-13 in the years I drank........could remember all the way back to when she was 3 and seeing me "so sad". She thought it was her fault, God bless her heart. She thought that if she could only become a better little girl that her Mommy wouldn't be so sad all of the time.
I've told her so many times since then that it had nothing to do with her or her brother, it was my illness and my choice. She's 23 now and totally understands, but it took YEARS for her to get there. My son is 26 and he's still dealing with some anger issues towards me for "not being there" for him because me getting drunk was priority back then. He now drinks. He's not a heavy drinker and I PRAY SO MUCH that it doesn't progress, but he drinks to "open up". That's not good. I'm worried for him and will help him get help. I'm here for him.
I don't know if that helped you or not. I usually learn through hearing about other's stories. Keep coming back and keep hanging on to hope for you and your child.
((hugs))
There are "functioning" alcoholics that can drink and still get up in the morning and go to work everyday and do a half way decent job. BUT, you can fool some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time.
The employers/co-workers will notice eventually. I used to be a supervisor of a really good crew of guys years back. One named Ollie, was a sweetheart. Hard worker, an older guy that served in Viet Nam. He couldn't get passed the PTSD he was suffering from, so he drank daily. I thought he drank at night. He came in every day, never called in sick and did a great job. But, he always carried around a coffee cup with him with coffee in it. He took that with him everywhere he went.
One day, after I had accepted another job, the administrator found him passed out in the basement at work and saw that he had been putting vodka in his coffee all that time. They offered him the chance to keep his job and go get rehab at the vet hospital or lose his job. He chose to lose his job. I once asked him "Ollie, do you think you'll ever quit drinking?" he said "No, alcohol is my life".
That's sad. I often think about him.
Children, no matter what age, can pick up on anything. They are SO smart and we don't even realize how smart they are. I was a drinker when my kids were little (been sober 11 yrs...thank God) and even my youngest, who was 3-13 in the years I drank........could remember all the way back to when she was 3 and seeing me "so sad". She thought it was her fault, God bless her heart. She thought that if she could only become a better little girl that her Mommy wouldn't be so sad all of the time.
I've told her so many times since then that it had nothing to do with her or her brother, it was my illness and my choice. She's 23 now and totally understands, but it took YEARS for her to get there. My son is 26 and he's still dealing with some anger issues towards me for "not being there" for him because me getting drunk was priority back then. He now drinks. He's not a heavy drinker and I PRAY SO MUCH that it doesn't progress, but he drinks to "open up". That's not good. I'm worried for him and will help him get help. I'm here for him.
I don't know if that helped you or not. I usually learn through hearing about other's stories. Keep coming back and keep hanging on to hope for you and your child.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
Yes, being w/the person will affect your daughter adversely. Ask anyone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, their childhood is not as stable as those ina non alcoholic home.
It sounds like he is in denial about his problem. He probably doesn't want to hear the doctor tell him he has an alcohol problem.
My guess he is getting so drunk he is losing control of his bodily functions.
Eventually this problem will start to affect his work. Work is usually the last part of a person's life to be affected.
It will affect you too as well the longer you live with it. It's not healthy.
I would suggest you set some boundaries like either you get help or we separate, etc. You have a little girl to think about.
I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's a toughie!!
It sounds like he is in denial about his problem. He probably doesn't want to hear the doctor tell him he has an alcohol problem.
My guess he is getting so drunk he is losing control of his bodily functions.
Eventually this problem will start to affect his work. Work is usually the last part of a person's life to be affected.
It will affect you too as well the longer you live with it. It's not healthy.
I would suggest you set some boundaries like either you get help or we separate, etc. You have a little girl to think about.
I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's a toughie!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... we are so glad that you found us.
Im a child of an A as well as my last relationship was with an A..... guess I did not learn the first time and needed to do it again.
As a child of and A.... OH YES your daughter will be effected.... and the only person who can help her with that is you from the sounds of it.... I try to remember the good in the man I loved, but the bottom line is he is an A.... sober or drunk does not matter.
I strongly suggest Al-anon for you and read read and then I would suggest reading. Its such a hard path to take. I no longer have the A in my life.... it has been over 9 months and yet the effects still run so deeply in me.
Please keep coming back and remember this is not your problem... fixing you IS yours to work on.
Im a child of an A as well as my last relationship was with an A..... guess I did not learn the first time and needed to do it again.
As a child of and A.... OH YES your daughter will be effected.... and the only person who can help her with that is you from the sounds of it.... I try to remember the good in the man I loved, but the bottom line is he is an A.... sober or drunk does not matter.
I strongly suggest Al-anon for you and read read and then I would suggest reading. Its such a hard path to take. I no longer have the A in my life.... it has been over 9 months and yet the effects still run so deeply in me.
Please keep coming back and remember this is not your problem... fixing you IS yours to work on.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
