JessicaNAJ

Well, I finally talked to my AH about the "arrangement" in the morning.

He said, "And I can't believe you would call and ask if I was going to get them on the mornings after I just got off work, knowing I had to go to my other job in 1 1/2 hours."

So, I simply told him that it was his decision to tell me that he was going to start getting the kids every morning and that when he started this job, he never told me he could not get the kids. What he told me was....if he gets off at 7, he could get them. But if they don't let him off at seven, he don't think he could make it. AND that he would call me and let me know what's going on (in case he got off late). My assumption is, as long as he gets out of work at 7:00 a.m. he will be at my house to get the kids in the morning. (Wouldn't you think the same thing?) His pattern has been this....when he leaves work, he calls OR he'll call me the night before to tell me he'll be over in the morning....that's just too inconsistent b/c then if he don't call, I'm left wondering and end up calling him to find out what the heck is going on.

So I told him in order for me to stop "Guessing" and having to call him to be sure he was going to be there, could he please specify if he was or was not going to continue to get the kids. I also explained to him that I cannot go under the assumption that he's going to be there and think that he's under the assumption I'm taking them because he had to work all night (I personnally don't care if he worked 24 hours straight, he said he'd pick them up and that's what I count on, it's up to him to tell me ahead of time that he can't make it).

Anyway, I then told him that he needed to tell me what the "plan" is. After some hemhauling around, he said he would be there in the mornings and that he would call if he couldn't make it.

Gawd I hope this works....It would be one less insanity I would have to deal with. (I'm horrible with boundaries )

splendra

(((((Jessica)))

It sounds like you did pretty good to me.....

jcw1964

Jessica, I am new to boundaries. I used to get so absorbed in the problems of the people around me that it was all I did. It ended up defining me. That was who I was. Since coming here and f2f meetings, I have realized that I have to redefine myself and focus on me and what my motives are, and what my feelings are, and what I need. I hope to have a loving relationship with my wife again someday. I will have to reconcile my new found freedom from others' issues and my concept of love. My concept is that when you love someone you put them and their needs ahead of you and yours. I still believe that because that is what the bible teaches. "Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church". It is obvious that Christ put our need for a saviour ahead of his own needs. He went through hell for us. Literally. (Hey I like that phrase)

I have come to realize that relationships with addicts are not in any way "normal" or "healthy" but once sobriety is found, how do you have a biblical relationship with a recovering addict?

I got off subject, sorry.
You stick to your boundaries. It is not too much to expect clear and concise help from the father of your children. He should help and he should be able to give you a clear answer. You go girl.

Thanks for letting me ramble.
Jeff

cwohio

jess - i think you deserve to have this clarity - i think you laid it out just fine and i hope that he holds up his end of the deal.

robina

Good for you - it sounds like you are setting healthy boundaries - I know from experience that this takes practice - I working hard at it myself.

Robin

JessicaNAJ

I just hope I didn't leave any "loop holes". He always seems to find a way to crawl into one of them. If I'm not 100% specific on what I'm asking, he will find away around it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a computer. I have to be clear and concise or he don't get it....sigh

Cynay

Congrads on setting the boundry... the rest will work itself out!

Beautiful

An example of this just happened to me yesterday. He took the victim role. I told him that he wasn't the victim, he was accountable for his actions and needed to take responsibility for them. He owed our friend and apology as well as one to me. I told him that, in order for me to trust him, he must be trustworthy. That is the heart of the issue.

You did great. Follow through and hold your ground!

JessicaNAJ

That's usually where I screw up. I get so tired of repeating and nagging about something he said he'd do but remembers it differently, that I usually end up giving in and just say F***-it. Thus, I loose my boundary....

I went to lunch with my step-brother today, and in talking to him I realized how lost I allowed myself to get with my AH's "unintentional" manipulations.

Do you know the Disney Cartoon Tarzan. He was raised by gorrila's, therefore he believed he was a gorrila. Once he realized who/what he really was, there was a whole other world out there waiting for him to explore. That's kinda of how I feel, except I allowed myself to believe that I was something/someone I was not and I assumed that role. Slowly but surely, I'm learning who I really am....I have a whole world that I have not explored yet. Knowing is half the battle and I can't wait to learn more about myself.

minnie

(((Jess)))

You've done good. Structure is important for all of you.

And learning who you are? That is the real beauty of Al-anon for me. For 31 years I had no idea who I really was. I know that something was not "quite right" but had no idea what was going on. I may not have all the answers yet, but I'm more clued up today that I was yesterday.

Love

Minnie
xxx

ASpouse

Jessica, I don't know if I read this wrong or not, but from what you said yourself, he is calling you! Do you want him to call you at a certain time everyday? If that's the case I think you are being way too controlling and micromanaging him. I'd be pissed too if someone did that to me, after all he's not on parole, where he needs to report in at a certain time.

I think regardless of whether he calls you the night before or in the morning, as long as it's in enough time that's good enough. Yes, you should make the assumption that if you don't hear from him he's not coming and make your plans accordingly.

If he comes to your house to pick the kids up and no one's there, he'll get the idea. Let it fall on his shoulders, it's his responsibility ..... either he takes it or he doesn't. You are still enabling him and trying to coerce him to do what you think is right. Let him make up his own mind. You may like the results or you may not.

ASpouse

I might add also that you have the right to ask for whatever you want. What you don't have the right to do is complain about it when it doesn't go your way.

Your husband is an alcoholic. I think intellectually you know that, but emotionally you wish it was different. Don't we all?

ASpouse

Beautiful, that is very true, but just because you tell him that doesn't make it so. You can tell him this statement until you are blue in the face, he may agree and promise to do the same, but if he is drinking "he can't". You told him, now move on and get yourself well.

gelfling

The more I get into my recovery program, the more organization and orderliness I need and want in my life. Life of the alcoholic is haphazard and up in the air. We can't do that. Especially with kids. What you're asking isn't unreasonable.

ASpouse

No it's not unreasonable at all, to ask of someone who is not an alcoholic. It most certainly is unreasonable to ask an alcoholic who is not in some sort of recovery. By doing that, you are setting yourself for disappointment time and time and time again.

Asking for organization or orderliness from an alcoholic is just ludicrous. The only thing they think about is drinking. Ask any recovering alcoholic ..... they'll tell you the same.

JessicaNAJ

I have never asked him to call unless he thought he was going to get there after 7:15. I would have to leave at that time to get the kids to school and the sitter if he wasn't going to show up.

Now that he's working his second job he can't get there before 7:15 which is why it is necessary that he communicate with me to let me know he will be there or not. I have adjusted over the winter to him not being consistent. I took it upon myself to take the kids to school and the sitter because of his inconsistencies about showing up. It was HIS idea to decide to start showing up in the morning. I cannot afford to be late for work because he can't be responsible and call me. Communication is necessary.

I don't think I'm complaining, okay it may sound like I'm complaining but I look at it as venting and looking for ways to solve my issues. I'm trying to look outside the box and find other ways to handle situations.

ASpouse

OK ... I'm sorry, that truly was a vent, not a complaint.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to tell him this way isn't working and for him to think of another way to see his kids. That would solve your problem and put the burden of responsibility on his shoulders in a nice way.

JessicaNAJ

I did tell him that if he didn't think he would be able to get them in the morning to let me know in enough time and I would take care of it. I really don't care. You know, he was the one who told me he wanted to do this. But, like I said, if he's going to make this work, he has to communicate. Otherwise I will start to be controlling and I don't want do do that / I'm trying to let go of that character defect, which is why I turn to SoberRecovery....to help keep me straight.

There will be no need for phone calls now because he told me he would be there each morning. (Which was the point of this "talk" - to establish whether or not and/or when he was going to be there) and I told him the first time I'm late for work because he doesn't show up...I will start taking them myself. He agreed.

I left it up to him and he chose to continue picking them up. What else am I supposed to do?

If this does not work, I will take your advice and tell him it's not working. He asked for this and I want to give him this chance.

Magichappens

I can so relate to that! Not thinking I was a gorrilla, just believing what others told me to believe, and not knowing my own heart. M

ASpouse

But don't you see ...... you've left this open ended for HIM to decide. YOU make the decision. "Husband, this isn't working so you'll have to figure out another way to see the kids. I'll take care of the mornings from now on" .........

You are still asking him to call you and "let you know". So far he's been pretty unreliable on that point and I don't see how he will change that.