Had the Talk
Originally Posted by ASpouse
But don't you see ...... you've left this open ended for HIM to decide. YOU make the decision. "Husband, this isn't working so you'll have to figure out another way to see the kids. I'll take care of the mornings from now on" .........
You are still asking him to call you and "let you know". So far he's been pretty unreliable on that point and I don't see how he will change that.
You are still asking him to call you and "let you know". So far he's been pretty unreliable on that point and I don't see how he will change that.
I hear ya. There is still a possibility that he may not show up and I'm stuck holding the bag. I have to let go and let God. He has been pretty reliable actually since he stopped drinking, at least when it comes to getting the kids in the morning.
Now, though, there is no question as to "when" he will be able to pick them up. He said he will be there every morning and he said if he can't make it, he'll call. Yes, I'm leaving it up to him. I'm allowing him the chance to prove himself. The first time he don't show up and I'm late for work, will be the last time.
Thoughts out loud.....Okay, but I know if that happens I will be mad at him for not showing up. So does that make me wrong? or I should only get mad at myself for allowing him this chance. Why am I'm trying to look into the future? Am I setting up expectations? Maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment. But I don't think this is too much to ask.
ASpouse, you got me thinking.....
Okay, but I know if that happens I will be mad at him for not showing up. So does that make me wrong? or I should only get mad at myself for allowing him this chance.
Yes you can waste your energy and be mad at him, but will that change the situation? Will it make him change his ways? It hasn't before. How many chances are you going to give him to get this right? And in his defense he is working 2 jobs and I'm sure he's exhausted. He is trying to "show you" that he can do this and every time he fails, he is perceived as irresponsible and a loser ..... which is I'm sure what is going through his head.
Perhaps setting up 3 days a week for him to try picking up the kids in the morning? Ask him what 3 days would work out best for him. If he can't answer, DON'T TRY TO HELP HIM FIGURE IT OUT! Let him mull it over and think about. I have a feeling he'll get back to you.
Jess - Since he is now working two jobs and trying to keep himself straight maybe picking them up everyday is going to be tough for him. How about a compromise? Maybe he could take them M-W-F and you could take them T-TH. That would make him see that you are also making an effort to make this work. Just a thought.
Jo
Jo
Originally Posted by ASpouse
And in his defense he is working 2 jobs and I'm sure he's exhausted. He is trying to "show you" that he can do this and every time he fails, he is perceived as irresponsible and a loser ..... which is I'm sure what is going through his head.
Perhaps setting up 3 days a week for him to try picking up the kids in the morning? Ask him what 3 days would work out best for him. If he can't answer, DON'T TRY TO HELP HIM FIGURE IT OUT! Let him mull it over and think about. I have a feeling he'll get back to you.
Perhaps setting up 3 days a week for him to try picking up the kids in the morning? Ask him what 3 days would work out best for him. If he can't answer, DON'T TRY TO HELP HIM FIGURE IT OUT! Let him mull it over and think about. I have a feeling he'll get back to you.
I will mention the three day thing to him and see what he says. Don't you think he would have thought of that himself though?
As far as him thinking he's being perceived as a looser....that's on him. I spent 14 years trying to convince him otherwise. Well, lets take out the last 3 years b/c that is when my CoDeness really kicked in.
You would think he might have thought of that solution, but maybe he didn't think you'd go for it, or thought this or thought that! We'll never know will we?
He may be relieved that you bought up this solution. No way to know until you make the suggestion and remember, DON'T LEAVE IT OPEN ENDED!
You can say something like:
"I want you to only pick up the kids 3 days a week to help you out. Does MWF work for you?" If not, ask him what 3 days would work. I think he may be stunned and relieved all at the same time.
And ..... don't just run home tonight and ask him. YOU mull it over also ....... there is nothing that needs to be done so quick that it can't wait 24 hours.
He may be relieved that you bought up this solution. No way to know until you make the suggestion and remember, DON'T LEAVE IT OPEN ENDED!
You can say something like:
"I want you to only pick up the kids 3 days a week to help you out. Does MWF work for you?" If not, ask him what 3 days would work. I think he may be stunned and relieved all at the same time.
And ..... don't just run home tonight and ask him. YOU mull it over also ....... there is nothing that needs to be done so quick that it can't wait 24 hours.
Oh....Did I mention he's only working MWF? I forgot, he told me that last night. He said he was going to tell him that's his availability and that he can't work any other days.
I think I will wait to make any additional decisions until I know what his schedule is, for sure.
I think I will wait to make any additional decisions until I know what his schedule is, for sure.
I agree with ASouse...there is that loop hole. If you want a commitment from him, treat it like a business deal.
1. He will pick the kids up at XXXX time, M-F. Period.
If there is an unavoidable delay, as with anyone in life, he should call immediately.
IF he doesnt follow thru with his commitment to his kids, theres not much you can do, except lower your expectations. I do it everytime my ex is supposed to pick up our son on visitation days. Ive come to expect he prob wont be there, and if he is, pleasantly surprised.
1. He will pick the kids up at XXXX time, M-F. Period.
If there is an unavoidable delay, as with anyone in life, he should call immediately.
IF he doesnt follow thru with his commitment to his kids, theres not much you can do, except lower your expectations. I do it everytime my ex is supposed to pick up our son on visitation days. Ive come to expect he prob wont be there, and if he is, pleasantly surprised.
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