Explanation of Step 9-resentment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 18
Explanation of Step 9-resentment
I need some help in understanding the 'resentment' meaning in step 9. My A BF is working on Step 9 - making amends and tonight he decided to start with me.
Brief History: We've know each other for 20+ years and have had relationships in 3 different decades. The second time we were together he broke it off 2 weeksw before Xmas because he got involved with another woman who later became his wife (now ex). It hurt me alot but not because of the timing, but because he left me for a woman with 4 kids... Our paths continued to cross and in spite of lot of hurtful actions (mostly on my part) we got back together 4 1/2 years ago. Six months into this he admitted to me he thought he had a drinking problem, but did nothing. After losing his job and being unemployed for 3 years he started drinking all day all the time at home alone. During this time, all intimacy stopped. Whenever we went out I paid. We never had harse words, no fights, no abuse. I call him a calm drunk. He hit rock bottom and went to rehab in Jan and has been sober since. He is actively working the steps, going to meetings, etc. and seems to be doing good.
Now he on Step 9 making amends and tonight he tells me he is starting with me. He apologizes for breaking it off with me right before the holidays the last time. He says he always felt bad about that but at the time felt it was the right thing to do. (which in my opinion was because I certainly didn't want to have relations with him if he was sleeping with someone else).
I didn't really say anything to him tonight after he said this. I did tell him I didn't exactly get the resentment part and he didn't explain it very well to me either.
Here's my question.... What's that got to do with resentment? How can he resent that? He's the one that did it. or is the resentment what he sees as me resenting his actions?
What am I missing here? Can someone explain this to me?
Brief History: We've know each other for 20+ years and have had relationships in 3 different decades. The second time we were together he broke it off 2 weeksw before Xmas because he got involved with another woman who later became his wife (now ex). It hurt me alot but not because of the timing, but because he left me for a woman with 4 kids... Our paths continued to cross and in spite of lot of hurtful actions (mostly on my part) we got back together 4 1/2 years ago. Six months into this he admitted to me he thought he had a drinking problem, but did nothing. After losing his job and being unemployed for 3 years he started drinking all day all the time at home alone. During this time, all intimacy stopped. Whenever we went out I paid. We never had harse words, no fights, no abuse. I call him a calm drunk. He hit rock bottom and went to rehab in Jan and has been sober since. He is actively working the steps, going to meetings, etc. and seems to be doing good.
Now he on Step 9 making amends and tonight he tells me he is starting with me. He apologizes for breaking it off with me right before the holidays the last time. He says he always felt bad about that but at the time felt it was the right thing to do. (which in my opinion was because I certainly didn't want to have relations with him if he was sleeping with someone else).
I didn't really say anything to him tonight after he said this. I did tell him I didn't exactly get the resentment part and he didn't explain it very well to me either.
Here's my question.... What's that got to do with resentment? How can he resent that? He's the one that did it. or is the resentment what he sees as me resenting his actions?
What am I missing here? Can someone explain this to me?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
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Step 9 says : Made direct ammends to those we had harmed except when to do so would injure them or others"
Doesnt say anything about resentment. Its where HE acknowldeges his harm to YOU, and takes responsibility for it. He OWNS it.
Doesnt sound like he made proper ammends to me, but I dont know the full story. If he tried to put some crapola on you, he needs to go back to step 1 and start over cus he def aint working the steps.
Doesnt say anything about resentment. Its where HE acknowldeges his harm to YOU, and takes responsibility for it. He OWNS it.
Doesnt sound like he made proper ammends to me, but I dont know the full story. If he tried to put some crapola on you, he needs to go back to step 1 and start over cus he def aint working the steps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 18
Maybe I misunderstood... Maybe it was he knew there was resentment from me because of his behavior.. but I know one of the steps talks about writing down your resentments (the A's). Maybe I am confused.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
It sounds like steps 4 and 9 have been confused. In the Big Book, it talks about dealing with resentment as part of step 4 (chapter 5, page 65) - the A writes out a list of his resentments/reasons for anger. Step 9, as FriendofBill points out, only deals with the A making amends for the things he has done. Sounds like your A was making amends for breaking up with you before the holidays and he recognized (even if he wasn't so elequent) that you were resentful for what he did (and understandably so). He can't change your resentment (only you can), but he can take responsibility for hurting you.
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