rara

I have been thinking of leaving my AH for a while. Haven't done it because I am...afraid... to be alone, to support myself, to give up being "married", to give up what could have been, and fear of starting over at 48 when I have been mostly financially dependent on AH during our nearly four year marriage. I had a career for many years, but it is hard to get back in at my age, also there are many changes since then. However, after months of looking I just got a 3-month contract job in my field, a little step down but good enough. I start Monday. I live 50+ miles from the city so the commute will be awful. I will have to live with it!

Now things have been mostly OK, not great, and I have been working on myself...the job is a good outcome. AH is in a brief sober phase again but the angry, melodramatic drunk still comes out sometimes. His wife died 7 years ago, they were married a long time. Except for early in our marriage, he has been maudlin and dramatic about it, especially at anniversary days like the date of death. I am not being insensitive here. It's just that he is disrespectful and mean to me about it at times. His whole family is pathologically loyal and I have never really fit in completely, and the late wife is looked upon as a saint (she had many good qualities but was also an A, and her youngest daughter is very unhappy and emotionally damaged.) No one faces any of this. Clearly no one can move on. AH has a lot if guilt also.

So here's the thing. We were supposed to go to my niece's first communion tomorrow, get together with my family. Tomorrow is his and LW's anniversary (I knew this, but after 7 years I don't acknowledge it as much as before, although I always respect how he feels). So today he says, oh I can't go tomorrow, this is such a hard day for me, etc,,,and you don't understand, drama, drama, drama. He is mad at me for not understanding this. I don't know why he hasn't left me because he is still missing LW (which BTW, I don't think their marriage was great at all).

Well I'm sorry but I am your wife NOW and why does he have to stay home because of it?????? Crazy. I do think he needs to blame me and torment me for his feelings anyway, but I am sick over this. Not shocked, or sad, but sick. I am also furious, hurt, but mostly sick, like "had it" sick. I have had it a hundred, a thousand times in this marriage, but I am so sick of this ridiculous, hurtful behavior. He's like a baby. I didn't scream or anything, just told him how I felt, and of course now I'm the bad guy. I said well what I am supposed to tell my family??? It's embarassing. I would like to move out now. This will probably pass, but I think I am getting there. Of course I could be posting next week and it will be in the past...I swear if I wasn't starting this job I would go to a lawyer Monday. I will have no free time during the week, the hours are vey long and restrictive. But has anyone ever left or divorced when they were about to start a job or other event and there was no time??? I would get fired immediately if I took time off, then I would be back to square one. My mother tells me to just put on an act until I have the time. Anyway, I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. Maybe I'll never leave.

walkingtheline

First, take a deep breath. Now, take another.

About tomorrow. Go without him. Join in the celebration, enjoy the time with your family celebrating such a joyous occasion. If someone asks, "where's so and so", the simple answer is, "he couldn't come." There's absolutely no reason to be embarrassed, you haven't done anything but come as invited!

If you chose to leave your husband, the timing, I think doesn't matter, the content of your heart does. I suggest you think on this and make a decision. Then once you've made it and are comfy with it, then start making plans. There's really no rush unless he's going to harm you.

Starting over at 48? I am fifty-mumble-something and started in this field just 3 years ago.

You get one chance at life...let's all find ways to live that life to the fullest!

Good luck and have a great time tomorrow!

jojo

rara -

I left my husband at almost 58 with only social security disability to live on. Has it been hard? Sometimes. Have I been happier? Absolutely. When you have had enough you will find a way to get out. Attorneys will see you before work, at lunch or after work. Marriage is hard enough without having to live with a former spouse as well. Sounds miserable. Hope you find some happiness for yourself.

Hugs, Jo

rara

WTL,

I guess that is true, not to be embarassed, but it is a slap in the face to me. I spend so much time with his family. He likes mine, but his loyalty to the LW sometimes supercedes. I can't describe how that feels. I know his A mind is illogical an immature, but...

I appreciate you telling me about starting over. I know I can do it. Thanks for the support. I need it.

rara

Thank you for sharing that with me. I need to hear it. I admire both you and WTL for doing what you did. Yes, living with the LW is awful---for long periods it is not really there and then it comes back like this, and AH treats me so disrespectfully and In his fuzzed out mind this is acceptable. I hope I never do that, mourn in such an unhealthy way after 7 years. What good is that doing anyone? I wouldn't want my spouse to do that.

Thanks again, I need it!!!!!

splendra

((((rara))))

I have found that at least part of the reason my present relationship has been bumpy is because I had not worked out the "stuff" in former relationships before getting into another relationship. My H also has carried unfinished business from past relationships into our relationship. Neither of our former spouses have died so we are not dealing with the guilt of a death but, I believe the end of a relationship is a lot like experiencing the death of a loved one and the ending does produce guilt...

Although leaving probably does have it's appeal I would like to suggest that you try acknowleging to your H that you realize he must feel a lot of guilt over his LW and that it is putting a cloud over your relationship with him and maybe ask him does he want to keep rolling in his guilt or does he want to move forward in a relationship with you?

Also maybe it is possible that you could rent a small furnished place or find someone near your job who needs a roommate and stay thru the week and go to your home with your H on the weekends it could give you and him the extra space you may need to see if separation and divorce is the way to go. Take it easy and don't jump too fast...

rara

I do know this, I realize I must sound harsh. I have always tried to be supportive, it's just that it is always so clear that his primary loyalty is to her and her family and not mine. He is close to LW's family and ironically enough I have come to like his former MIL and FIL very much. They love him, but are also very supportive of me. He is now going to visit them today, and I am quite sure that his MIL will not be happy that he didn't go with my family today. She naturallly misses her daughter very much, and has shared both good and bad experiences with me. She feels that AH needs to show more loyalty to me, that her daughter's alcoholism had a terrible affect on her grandaughter (and now me, as I have had to cope with her, which has strained my marriage maybe more than the drinking). She also knows that AH is an A--no one else admits this-- and is very supportive of me. I am very lucky we have become friends.

[/QUOTE]Although leaving probably does have it's appeal I would like to suggest that you try acknowleging to your H that you realize he must feel a lot of guilt over his LW and that it is putting a cloud over your relationship with him and maybe ask him does he want to keep rolling in his guilt or does he want to move forward in a relationship with you?[/QUOTE]

Splendra, this is an excellent point and I have tried this, although mentioning guilt makes him furious. He is very hard to talk to, and flies off the handle re: this topic. Again, the A loyalty is bizarre to me because I think he feels that he is such a wonderful person by behaving this way--his loyalty to his adult children is also way over the top, excessive to the point of damaging them IMHO. When he goes to see MIL, this will backfire a bit because she will have mixed feelings. I think she'd like to bash him over the head although she is grateful for his loyalty. I will try to talk to him again but I usually end up feeling like it's my fault. After seven years, I don't know that he will ever move on. He is an A, and his emotions and thinking are like that of a child's. He won't admit the guilt but I know it is there--I also can't imagine that he treated her too well either.

[/QUOTE]Also maybe it is possible that you could rent a small furnished place or find someone near your job who needs a roommate and stay thru the week and go to your home with your H on the weekends it could give you and him the extra space you may need to see if separation and divorce is the way to go. Take it easy and don't jump too fast...[/QUOTE]

I am going to stay in a hotel 2, 3 nights a week near the job, my family and friends, this has been agreed upon. (As timing would have it-my brother and his family have to move in with my parents for 2 months until their new house is ready, so I can't stay with them). The apartment will come later. I don't mind the hotel, the job is 3 months so I can address the apartment or whatever else then. I think the time apart will be good although I am also nervous about it.

My post was like a big vent, so I have calmed down. My plan will be to wait 3 months and see then. Thanks so much!!!!!!

rara

I screwed up the quotes, sorry!

splendra

((((rara))))

Hey I can't seem to get the quote thing either....

I think you are a very level headed person and you also deserve to be able to vent when you need it.

Wheather or not you take any of my advise I still support you in whatever choices you make. I totally believe you know what is best for you and I will remember you in my prayers as I feel this is the very best way I can support you at anytime...

rara

Splendra---

Thanks again for the support. I try to be level headed but that is hard, especially with a non-level headed spouse. I will also be happy to support you in your times of...well, we all have them.

I am off to the first communion. I wish he were going but there's nothing I can do.

splendra

((((rara))))

I always need prayer support and I appericate your support too....