Advice Please- I hurt so bad...

Old 04-30-2005, 08:22 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New Jersey
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Advice Please- I hurt so bad...

I am just so devestated that my AH can not get his act together. It has been almost 2 months since he moved out. I can say he has hit bottom but yet he is still so angry at the world and not taking responsiblity. HOW??? As many of you know I have a restraining order against him b/c of too many threats to harm me. We have not spoken b/c of this and he is SO mad. He turned down visitation with our kids- 2 y/o son and 4 y/o daughter in court and can not legally see them until a risk assessment for alcohol and anger management. Of course he tells the world that I am keeping the kids from him blah, blah, blah. I just need to know when will I let go? When will I not care anymore. He doesn't care. The man was unemployed and yet he went to Best Buy and took out a credit card and spent $3500! How can he be so irresponsible and self-centered? He has finally sent money for the kids but only b/c of a court order for child support. And this weekend is our daughters 4th b-day and you think he got her anything? NO!!! $3500 on himself and he couldn't get her something?
I know this sounds liks a ton of rambling but I am just so hurt. I know the divorce is just around the bend and I am OK with that. In fact I look forward to meeting someone great someday. But letting go is so hard. I just wish he could get healthy. He has stopped taking his bipolar meds and is not going to AA and that breaks my heart. I just want him healthy for himself and our kids that will be in his life someday. I always said that no matter what happens between me and him the kids come first. I can be very civilized but I know he is not capable. It all just kills me. When will this pain stop?
gabigoo is offline  
Old 04-30-2005, 08:26 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: some where in Kansas
Posts: 42
been there done that. Just got to learn to love yourself and your kids enough to let it go and let him do his own thing. Keep the faith.
tootiredmom is offline  
Old 04-30-2005, 08:28 PM
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Cynay's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
*hugs* Im soooo sorry.

I dont know that anyone can tell you when the pain will stop. I have been seperated 6 months and it still hurts, I still get lonely and think about him. I have not spoken to him in a month.

The only advise is what everyone here will tell you... take the focus off him and put it on you and your kids. Time is the only healer and dont worry about what he is saying, remember he is not in his right mind, he is sick and there is nothing you can do to understand it. Trust me I have tried.... it will drive you nuts. Please remember that in taking care of you.. its the best medicine.
Cynay is offline  
Old 04-30-2005, 08:33 PM
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Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Dear Gab, I hurt for you too. Been there, done that sort of thing. The pain is probably more for the fact that he didnt' show for your daughter's birthday. Anger is due to come up next.

This is where alanon would be a big help to you. We've tolerated so much crap from them over the years, we've got years of emotional turmoil inside. Let it go. Little by little. Detach. If he wants to argue, walk away...detach. If he doesn't show up, take your kiddies and go out and have a good time. Go to the playground. This will take your mind off him and his inability to be a human being and you can focus on your children having fun. Then top the day off with an ice cream cone. Always a winner. When my ah didn't come home as promised, it was a jump into the car to go to baskins robbins. Got to the point our son would tell me he hoped dad wouldn't come home so we could go get ice cream and ride the swings at the rec center. When I saw how happy my son was it helped me forget the pain and anger I felt because he once again screwed up and chose booze over us.

Be kind to yourself. Take baby steps.
gelfling is offline  
Old 05-01-2005, 08:45 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hey hang in there. There will be a better day. I totally agree with the others - concentrate on you and your kids. I know it hurts so so so much. I too hope and pray there will be a better day, - and I know there will be.
Sending you big big hugs
KATIE77 is offline  
Old 05-01-2005, 10:47 AM
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too much on my plate!!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
I know it hurts to realize that they are so selfish. At least you have your kids to brighten your day. Hang in there, this to shall pass....
Savana 54 is offline  

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