noblenellie

I'm relatively new here and just have a question, more to just backup what I already know really. I started dating a guy about 6 weeks ago that claimed he was a social drinker. Well, this was ok with me as I dont mind having a drink every now and then. Then he tells me he drinks beer at night to help him sleep. Again I think to myself, well ok..A few beers a night is not that big of a deal..wrong..Come to find out he drinks 6 or more (usually more) beers at night, every night, 7 days a week! I've noticed that his memory is not very good, even when he hasnt been drinking, and then the other night we had been to a motorcycle show in which he drank heavily there (i drove and did not drink), then drank more when we got home. We sat up for a while talking, etc and the next day he had absolutely no recollection of what went on after we had gotten home. This has happend on more than one occasion, but at the time I didnt really pay that close attention to it. This man is very kind, considerate, has a good job, a decent house etc., but this drinking and the black-outs really concern me. I guess what I am asking here is someone else's opinion on this, and to confirm my suspicions that this guy is a true alcoholic (perhaps a "functioning" alcoholic), even though in my mind I know that he is. I must also add that he is almost 42 and has never been married, and when I've asked him up front if his drinking has caused problems in past relationships, of course he totally denied it, blaming past relationship issues on the women. Any input yall can give me will be greatly appreciated!

Minx1969

Welcome! I think you know you already answered your own question by coming here and posting..

I wish I had paid attention to all those warning signs in the numerous alcoholics I dated..

I know some people don't like this saying but "if it looks like a duck, quakes like a duck, it is a duck"..

IMHO - yup he may be functioning but is that functioning? If he is already blacking out, has brain damage etc?

noblenellie

Minx, could you explain to me more about the blacking out and brain damage? I've looked and looked for information on this and all I have been able to find is "scientific" answers, when I really prefer laymans terms and other's experience in this area (easier really for me to understand and deal with). What really scares me is the fact too he smokes in bed and there are numerous burns places on the sheets where he's dropped cigarrettes.

walkingtheline

With only 6 weeks invested in this guy my advice would be any of the following:

1. Run, noblenellie, run!

2. Step away from the alcoholic!

3. Listen to 50 ways to leave your lover over and over until you choose one.

Seriously, ask yourself, is this what you want? Base your decisions on the answer to the question.

kickthehabit

Hey noble,

He's showing all the colors......take it from an existing functional alco......people around me just don't understand how I can work, raise my sons and go on normally but I drink uncontrollably.......

He's got the signs.

noblenellie

Thanks Walking...You just reinforced to me what I really already knew. What I cannot figure out for the life of me is why I attract these types of men. I was in a relationship for 18 months with a recovering alcolholic, went to the AA meetings with him etc. Dated another that had serious anger issues when he drank and got very verbally abusive.. I seem to be a magnent for these types. I keep telling my sister that I should just become a nun, and she laughs at me and says its too late for that, lol.

cwohio

noble - listen to the others. my ah was a functional for many, many years - now that he's retired he has gone down the tubes and basically does nothing but sleep, drink and smoke cigarettes.

you might look into codependency books - Codependent No More - Melody Beattie - sounds like you may have some CoDe behaviors that attract A's.

Peachie

Noblenellie, I dated "that guy" five years ago. I didn't run or even walk. I was young and liked his "exciting" live-life-by-the-drop lifestyle. I drank right along with him for a year and a half. Now, I'm an alcoholic and I don't even know where that guy lives!

Seriously, think about it.

walkingtheline

Alanon! Seriously, give it a try. If we keep doing the same things we're going to get the same results...so, why not learn all about this and move past it????

And, there is much wisdom here as well.

And...hehehe, I actually own a nun's habit! I wear it every Halloween.

Magichappens

Blacking out is when the memory part of the brain shuts down, but the rest of the brain continues to function. That means that the person is awake, alert, and responsive, but will remember nothing of what they are experiencing. Passing out is when a persons conscious brain shuts down because of the narcotic affect of chemicals they have ingested. Both are symptoms of full blown alcoholism and/or addiction. I am not a doctor, I have been with someone in both these states. It is a painful thing to watch a loved one being consumed by it. Good luck. Hugs, Magic

Minx1969

I've seen some of the guys in open AA meetings who have brain damage..it's sad..it's only after they stop drinking do they find out..this one guy slurs his words and can't really talk in complete sentences..it breaks my heart..

Remember - alcohol in large doses and over a long time is a poison..it does alter the brain chemistry..I'm sure you could find some other postings on this? Usually Equus has some good scientific information..

I agree that you should try Alanon..even if you break up with the guy..I've been going for 9 months..my alcoholic is gone but I stayed because I don't want to have another relationship with an a..

Good luck!

minnie

I'm afraid that I see red flags fluttering all over the place here. Not only with the guy, but with you too. I would strongly advise at least buying "Codependent no more" as laready advised, but also going to al-anon or coda meetings. It is no mistake that you attract these guys, hon. However, you can find out why and become able to be healthier in yourself and choose healthier relationship.

Of course, you can also keep reading here too!

Love

Minnie
xxx

CodeMaster

alcoholism.about.com

They have a section all about brain damage...

noblenellie

Thank you everyone for your advice. I read Codependent No More years ago, and I'm sure my sister probably still has a copy. I will check out a local Al-Non group. What's so funny is, I know the signs of alcolholism, codependency etc., but those types all my life have gravitated to me. When I was younger I always had a difficult time breaking off relationships like that and admitting to myself that those were not the types of relationships I needed to be in, and here I am at 43 and still going through the cycle, but at least I feel like I have grown over the years and have enough sense to get out early, rather than dragging it on and on. Thanks again everyone!!!

CodeMaster

I have to agree with you on #1, #2, #3. I was advised this for my ex when I found her crashing on ecstacy but I thought.. ahh hell I can make it work. 2 and a half years later of the worst abusive relationship I've ever had... I'm faced with trying to keep making it work or run, everyone said run, so this time, I'm taking the advice.

You cant change them or help them until they change themselves on their own will.

EDIT: One more thing, you can be an alcoholic and totally functioning... I've read stories of alcoholics becoming successful CEO's, but only to a certain point can you function like that until you really hit your bottom and crash hardcore. So to answer your ques, yes you can totally function and be an alcoholic but a crash is inevitable sometime in the future.

noblenellie

I agree CodeMaster, you cant change them or help them until they change themselves on their own will. What's that saying in AA? You gotta be sick and tired of being sick and tired?

FriendofBill

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE!:hasta

tinky27

Hi my partner was the same when we met. I drank with him for a couple of years till i fell pregnant then grew up and moved on. He didnt and for the last 10 years alcohol has ruled our world and affected every tiny aspect of our lives. If this is a new relationship my only advice would be to RUN! like earlier post.
Get out now take the advice. Please
Never mind all maybe wanting to help him through it or thinking you could be his saviour type thing (not that im saying you are thinking that) just go leave and whatever you do dont look back.

Aquiana

Hi Noblenellie, I'm not a Dr. so I hate to tell anyone that someone is for sure an A. I also hate to tell anyone to leave since I didn't yet. What I think is that if you are uncomfortable with the amount he drinks, whether it be 2 a night or 12 then there is a problem with your relationship. It's up to you whether you want to stay or leave but remember that it's a very hard way to live. Try to get as much support and knowledge as you can because it can be a really bumpy ride. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you decide to go.

Kahlia

My father was a VERY functioning Alcoholic.....he died one, too. Just listen to your own heart and you will find your answer. I know about being co-dependant...we feel BAD when we end the relationship..they are sick....well, they make us sicker.....RUN REALLY FAST......Kahlia