Ann

This may work for you, Codemaster, but for many here, trying to get over one relationship with another just continues the process of pain. Taking time first to heal, and to learn to love ourselves, leaves us much healthier and able to make better choices next time around.

Don't mean to criticize, like I said this may work for you, but I just saw "red flag" written all over it.

Hope you find happiness, for yourself most of all.

Hugs
Ann

JT

Interesting...my dad has been 30 years sober in AA. The amends he made to me were in the form of spending time with my son. He never said a word and I didn't realize it until much later but that is what happened. He took him roller skating every Saturday morning...never did anything with me but he picked up my son like clockwork every Sat. morning for 10 years.

Fast forward to last year...my father's 30th year of sobriety in AA...and he is active to this day. I got a letter in the mail. In that letter my father confessed to something I had known for most of my life but he didn't know I knew. I e-mailed him and told him that I had known all along and that I was sorry he had carried this around as long as he has.

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is that amends take many forms. And I am not about to take the moral high ground and decide what that amends should be. My father's confession was very personal to him. I may think he had a motive but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he made the effort. What matters is that I am living my life in a way that I am proud and I was proud of my response. We didn't have to discuss it. In fact not another word was said.

Another experience I have with amends was running into an old boyfriend at an open AA speaker meeting. Go figure...lol!! Anyway he told me he owed me an amends for leaving me...well, if memory served me I thought I had left him! We laughed about it but it brought to mind the idea that how the other person accepts it is not the point. The point is in making the effort. My personal opinion of what he says means nothing at all. This man was on his own personal journey and he did what he had to do to clean up the messes he made. And good for him !!

Hugs,
JT

Cynay

Code...

I guess what Im really trying to say is ... what kind of guy would I attract if I dated from a position of weakness... just to have someone there. I would either get another A or a codie..... hurmm A/codi... A/codi.... Nahhh I think I would rather be single all my life then go though this BS again.

I have to agree with you though, today Im strong, but many days Im lonely and wish there was someone that I could be intimiate with... even if its just cuddling. The strong days are coming more often now (thank God) and I had a thought one day.

I spent all my time taking care of the A and my daughter... my daughter is growing up and does not need as much care.... the A (that did not grow up) is not in my life. If I spent the same amount of time working on my life, spiritual, career, personal as I did on them... how much further along and more fullfilling would my life be. Now dont get me wrong... there is nothing better then seeing my daughter grow and become a person I that I respect and find amazing.... but there is nothing worse then watching everything I spent two years working on with my ex-A (with almost as much heart and soul) fall into the toliet.... and waiting for it to flush.

I think I will put the odds on me, also I know after another 8 months I will be a different person, therefore who I would choose as a partner will be different. I dont want to waste time on a dead-end anymore. Im ready for that real relationship, for deep love that is mutual, for Interdependance (not learning to distance) for everything that God sees fit to bless me with..... so I need to become the person that comes from a point of strength. All this happened 5 months ago... it can only get better from here.

wraybear

If he wants to find you to make amends, he will do so.
I think you need to let this one go and not worry about the "no contact boundary" affecting HIS recovery. Another poster may be right, it may be many months or even years before he gets to this step. You shouldn't spend one more minute worrying about whether your boundary will hurt his recovery.

Like I said, if and when he is ready to make amends to you, he will figure out a way to do it and that is HIS responsibilty, not yours. Your responsibility is sticking to your boundaries, and right now that is no contact, so keep it at no contact!

Have you thought about the possibility, and believe me, I have been there too, that maybe you are looking for an excuse to contact him? Just a thought. Maybe something you should consider. I have at times actually SAT ON MY HANDS to keep myself from picking up the phone.

I believe if you let this one go, you will find more peace very soon!

Magichappens

From my experience, each person has to find their own path in recovery. That means finding their own reliance on a higher power. The whole process of the steps is to find reliance on a higher power, turning our will and life over to that relationship first. Once we are able to do that, the relationships we have with others begin to heal.

Trying to figure out and control my relationships is what got me here. The steps taught me to learn to Let Go and Let God, and to live and let live. Before working the steps in my life, this seemed very backwards. I felt that if I let go of a relationship, and focussed on my recovery, the relationship would get worse, not better. What I found was that I couldn't have strong relationships with others until I learned to have a good relationship with myself. Looking to others to make me ok didn't work. I had to find that within my own soul.

My husbands recovery is his own. He isn't me. I can't make decisions for him about how he works his program. What I have learned is that if he is willing to work the steps, however stumbling and clumsily, they will work for him, guaranteed. The steps are a lifelong process. Learning our ABC's doesn't make us a famous writer, but we have to learn them before we can write. Learning to work the steps is an elementary part of learning to live them. It takes time and practice to allow the miracles of the program to reveal themself.

Turning my relationships over to God allowed them to be what they were supposed to be. That isn't always what I think they should be. But I have learned, through my own recovery, that God has a better plan than me. Today I take things one day at a time, and make my decisions based on my life being directed by God. I am not always successful at this, but just being willing has made my life a better one.

If you are worried about him getting drunk because you don't want anything to do with him, it doesn't work that way. If you are curious about how an alcoholic is supposed to make amends, page 76 to 84 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous gives specific directions on how to make amends. It deals with many reactions the alcoholic might face, including people who they can't see. It tells them to write a heart felt letter. If that is what has to happen, it will still work. It's not about how good they work the steps. It's about their willingness to do them.That goes for us too. Hugs, Magic

Cynay

Magichappens thank you for responding...

Im not worried about his recovery as much as Im worried about my recovery from him. In my recovery I dont want to do something that would hurt him, only the steps to protect me. Funny you talked of the "Big Book" because that is exactly where I went to find my answer last night... No contact works for me, Im not going to concern myself now if it works for him or not. I will agree with one day at a time, but with that I will also make plans for future events... and that is a future even that Might happen that I wanted to think about now. I have no idea what he will do, all I can go on is what I have seen him do in the past and what he has done to others. Maybe this is for real this time *shrugs* maybe not.... but if I had to make an educated guess I would say he will hit this step in the next month or two.... So it was something I wanted to think about now. If Im to make boundries .... then I think about what in my life needs to change to keep them... and this is an issue that could come up that I wanted to think about now is all.

Wraybear.... Nope, I do not want to see him again. I know the feeling of sitting on my hands, of the what ifs... only maybe etc. Im not saying Im over him, or that I dont love him and that I dont have regrets or dont still think about him.... But its rather like dieting.... if you are 50lbs overweight and the Doc says its time to get healthy it does not mean that I dont think about the food I love, wish it, desire it etc... I just know that its not healthy and until Im healthy I cant even cheat a little cuz if I did ... well... BOOM I will undo all the good I have done. Does that make since