If the tables were turned..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
If the tables were turned..
I am sitting here missing my mean, emotionally distant ABF and did I mention cheap as hell to boot? So...if the tables were turned and I was an alcoholic who blamed him for everything, lied to him, and basically treated him like a doormat, would he be cruising the internet, posting on boards, trying to figure out how to help me? I think the answer would be no! Seems like those of us on these boards love too much......
PS You guys have understood when I thought I was losing my mind and really helped. You all are great!!
PS You guys have understood when I thought I was losing my mind and really helped. You all are great!!
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I agree, those on this board love too much.
I've been analyzing myself deeply as possible and brutally honest as possible. There is something odd to why we allow ourselves to be taken hostage by abusive addicts. It could be a weakness in ourselves, or maybe we are simply too nice, possibly low self esteem, possibly none or all of the above.
Theres been studies to those who hang with addicts, but the studies were not complete and there is still no conclusion. But we have to wonder within ourselves why we stayed and why we allow the abuse. Its some kind of sickness within ourselves (including myself) where we subconsciously allow or maybe even like? being abused. I can reasonably guess weaknesses within myself to why I allow such abuse.
But I'll say this, though I may have some growing, some strengthening to do, I can do it and I'll be fine. I'd rather be in this state then having the disease, not to say those with disease dont heal, but man, something about the disease takes away the very souls of the person from ALL IVE SEEN.
Just my opinion, I know many say addicts can be awesome people, but I still get this gut feeling they'll choose the liquor over me in a heartbeat. TO me, that is not awesome people.
I've been analyzing myself deeply as possible and brutally honest as possible. There is something odd to why we allow ourselves to be taken hostage by abusive addicts. It could be a weakness in ourselves, or maybe we are simply too nice, possibly low self esteem, possibly none or all of the above.
Theres been studies to those who hang with addicts, but the studies were not complete and there is still no conclusion. But we have to wonder within ourselves why we stayed and why we allow the abuse. Its some kind of sickness within ourselves (including myself) where we subconsciously allow or maybe even like? being abused. I can reasonably guess weaknesses within myself to why I allow such abuse.
But I'll say this, though I may have some growing, some strengthening to do, I can do it and I'll be fine. I'd rather be in this state then having the disease, not to say those with disease dont heal, but man, something about the disease takes away the very souls of the person from ALL IVE SEEN.
Just my opinion, I know many say addicts can be awesome people, but I still get this gut feeling they'll choose the liquor over me in a heartbeat. TO me, that is not awesome people.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
Just my opinion, I know many say addicts can be awesome people, but I still get this gut feeling they'll choose the liquor over me in a heartbeat. TO me, that is not awesome people.
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
I am reading a book right now called "Woman who love too much". It seems, so far, to be helpful.
(((((SUNSHINE)))))
(((((SUNSHINE)))))
I so agree with you fc; I seriously doubt that my Xabf would be on the internet looking for a way to deal with me. He would just go and get drunk..
Maybe we all love to much!
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Theres nothing wrong with loving too much! Our problems is we need to love ourselves as much as we are willing to love others.
If you love yourself, you'll demand respect and care and geniune premium treatment and nothing less, all the while, you give your fullest love to whoever is in your life. We accept a lot less then we give by far, if we can realize and manage this, life can be different.
We can find people who will love us the way we love them, and life can be beautiful.
I believe for every and each one of us, there will be great love awaiting for you somewhere, the right person for you will be right there in front of you the moment you truly are content and love yourself for just you, not you and your SO, but just you!
Cheers <-- apple juice
If you love yourself, you'll demand respect and care and geniune premium treatment and nothing less, all the while, you give your fullest love to whoever is in your life. We accept a lot less then we give by far, if we can realize and manage this, life can be different.
We can find people who will love us the way we love them, and life can be beautiful.
I believe for every and each one of us, there will be great love awaiting for you somewhere, the right person for you will be right there in front of you the moment you truly are content and love yourself for just you, not you and your SO, but just you!
Cheers <-- apple juice
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
Boy what CodeMaster said about the disease taking the souls away from people really hit home for me. I don't say anything to my AH about his drinking but he knows I hate it. I'm starting to realize just how self-centered my AH has become. We don't argue about it, we just have silence. Not all silence is golden.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I don't think we love them too much. I think we don't love ourselves enough to know how to take care of ourselves. I think we need to stop expecting them to do for us what we need to be doing for ourselves. We are not being loving when we allow someone to run over us. We teach them it is okay to do us this way and to also do it to themselves and also anyone else that they love. I think that is hating... too much.
I read the book, got the tee shirt, made my own movie about it. But the bottom line became when am I going to start loving myself?
I read the book, got the tee shirt, made my own movie about it. But the bottom line became when am I going to start loving myself?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I used to ask my A fiancee the exact thing. "What would you do if I went out and got stinking drunk, wound up in the emergency room time after time, spent $1500 in one week on booze, came home scrapped and cut from falling down drunk, made a fool of myself all over town, called you 55 times in one night....would you put up with that?" His answer...."probably not."
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Many years ago my AH told me that he wouldn't have put with even half of the crap from me that he'd put me through if the situations were reversed. I always thought that was interesting that he admitted that he would NOT accept that treatment from me - however, he still chose to treat me that way! Reminds me of that saying about "teaching others how to treat us".
Is it a matter of loving too much? In some cases, I believe so. Or maybe it's more about some people making the addict their obsession, not really love. Then again, I've always thought maybe it's more a matter of the A not loving themselves even AND not loving the non-A enough. And in return, the non-A doesn't love themselves enough either. So the A is loved and generally knows they are loved. The non-A isn't loved enough and often feels unloved, rejected, etc.
Do I believe that my A would have cruised internet boards or any type of face-to-face programs to try to help me? NO! He won't do it for himself either! If the roles had been reversed, do I believe that my AH would have stuck it out? NO, I don't. And yet, knowing this all....he still asks for just ONE MORE CHANCE. I gave him that one last chance for years! Maybe I love myself more now and feel a need for self respect. Sadly, I do believe that AH has improved a huge amount but sometimes the past is just too hard to let go to give another chance.
For me, it's not so much about the love aspect of it as much as I tend to look at the respect aspect, the loving in ACTIONS, and the relationship as a whole. Whether it involves a substance of some kind or not.
Is it a matter of loving too much? In some cases, I believe so. Or maybe it's more about some people making the addict their obsession, not really love. Then again, I've always thought maybe it's more a matter of the A not loving themselves even AND not loving the non-A enough. And in return, the non-A doesn't love themselves enough either. So the A is loved and generally knows they are loved. The non-A isn't loved enough and often feels unloved, rejected, etc.
Do I believe that my A would have cruised internet boards or any type of face-to-face programs to try to help me? NO! He won't do it for himself either! If the roles had been reversed, do I believe that my AH would have stuck it out? NO, I don't. And yet, knowing this all....he still asks for just ONE MORE CHANCE. I gave him that one last chance for years! Maybe I love myself more now and feel a need for self respect. Sadly, I do believe that AH has improved a huge amount but sometimes the past is just too hard to let go to give another chance.
For me, it's not so much about the love aspect of it as much as I tend to look at the respect aspect, the loving in ACTIONS, and the relationship as a whole. Whether it involves a substance of some kind or not.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
If the tables were turned with my hubby - he would be posting but I would be dead. This might sound cold or even wrong but I know in my heart I couldn't have come back from the place he got to. I can't imagine coming back from there with the strength I have now let alone the strength I would have that sick and that stuck. I don't think I'd have chosen to live and fight.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Quote: So...if the tables were turned and I was an alcoholic who blamed him for everything, lied to him, and basically treated him like a doormat, would he be cruising the internet, posting on boards, trying to figure out how to help me?
No, he would be out doing his own thing. Why? Because it *would* be all your fault. LOL.
No, he would be out doing his own thing. Why? Because it *would* be all your fault. LOL.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
LOL Beautiful!!! You got that right--20 year history of pills and booze and he is out cruising for some poor unsuspecting chick when methinks he was going to AA meetings. he only told me months into the relationship, and then it was--"but people stay sober for years..." Geez, could I have been any more dumb???
I do say I already feel sorry for the chick that gets him. I have to confess that I left a message on his voicemail telling him he should go to drunksmatch.com instead!!! I couldn't resist, but I felt that after so many years, I deserved to speak my mind one last time.
I do say I already feel sorry for the chick that gets him. I have to confess that I left a message on his voicemail telling him he should go to drunksmatch.com instead!!! I couldn't resist, but I felt that after so many years, I deserved to speak my mind one last time.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
If the tables were turned.....
Isn't that the crux of the codie problem? We accept things that other people wouldn't? For example, my parents have huge admiration for how strong I have been in dealing with my now ex fiance. However, I know many people who would have simply walked away from such an impossible situation. After all, my efforts have come to naught as far as the A in my life is concerned. Of course, the healing that I have found as a result of being with my A is worth its weight in gold and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I always remember a quote from someone on here (sorry, I forget who it was). When the A was asked why they did all those terrible things, the response was "because you let me". Says it all to me.
Isn't that the crux of the codie problem? We accept things that other people wouldn't? For example, my parents have huge admiration for how strong I have been in dealing with my now ex fiance. However, I know many people who would have simply walked away from such an impossible situation. After all, my efforts have come to naught as far as the A in my life is concerned. Of course, the healing that I have found as a result of being with my A is worth its weight in gold and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I always remember a quote from someone on here (sorry, I forget who it was). When the A was asked why they did all those terrible things, the response was "because you let me". Says it all to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 48
My AH has said repeatedly that he would not have stuck around if he were I. I think that I'm finally realizing that it was MY decision to take him back each time and that I can't blame him for that decision. I can, however, choose to NOT ACCEPT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR! (I'm just now learning what is/is not unacceptable behavior) but obviously affairs and dropping my daughter from his shoulders while drunk are UNACCEPTABLE and I certainly took him back after those two. He'd of been gone A LONG TIME AGO....
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