we get treated as we deserve
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
we get treated as we deserve
i was thinking this morning about something my therapist and my sponsor have told me. we really are treated as we deserve, or to better put it, we are treated as we have taught them to treat us.
if we always act the martyr, then they give us reasons to be a martyr. if we act like a victim, they give us reasons to act like a victim. if we treat ourselves with dignity and accept no less, then they must treat us with dignity. or choose to leave.
we truly do teach people how to treat us. and it is with some real soul searching that i realized for myself, i was always being yelled at, because i allowed him to yell at me. when i said no more, and it happened, i walked away. we tried again, and when he yelled at me again, i walked away for good.
our self esteem, our humanity, our souls, they need us to be consistent. to be loving, but to balance our loving with common sense. no one has the right to yell at us, just as we have no right to yell at another. no one has the right to berate us, just as we have no right to berate another.
true release for ourselves and our loved ones is in realizing we are all responsible ONLY for our own actions. and when we tolerate actions by others who are cruel, insensitive or uncaring of us, it is a reflection of us.
ever sat and looked at the A's friends? in my case, all his friends had two things in common, busted up/dysfunctional relationships, and booze. then i looked at my friends. those whom i truly connect with. those people all had in common that they work with kids, and are very warm. where did i fit in? and when i realized i would never fit in with the A's of this world, because i wasnt willing to compromise my principals enough to act the way they did. i had to leave or continue in a walk down a dead end street.
we teach others how to treat us. we first have to learn what it is we want when we interact with others. then.. stick to it. do not give away your personal respect and responsibility. live the life you envision.
quietsins
if we always act the martyr, then they give us reasons to be a martyr. if we act like a victim, they give us reasons to act like a victim. if we treat ourselves with dignity and accept no less, then they must treat us with dignity. or choose to leave.
we truly do teach people how to treat us. and it is with some real soul searching that i realized for myself, i was always being yelled at, because i allowed him to yell at me. when i said no more, and it happened, i walked away. we tried again, and when he yelled at me again, i walked away for good.
our self esteem, our humanity, our souls, they need us to be consistent. to be loving, but to balance our loving with common sense. no one has the right to yell at us, just as we have no right to yell at another. no one has the right to berate us, just as we have no right to berate another.
true release for ourselves and our loved ones is in realizing we are all responsible ONLY for our own actions. and when we tolerate actions by others who are cruel, insensitive or uncaring of us, it is a reflection of us.
ever sat and looked at the A's friends? in my case, all his friends had two things in common, busted up/dysfunctional relationships, and booze. then i looked at my friends. those whom i truly connect with. those people all had in common that they work with kids, and are very warm. where did i fit in? and when i realized i would never fit in with the A's of this world, because i wasnt willing to compromise my principals enough to act the way they did. i had to leave or continue in a walk down a dead end street.
we teach others how to treat us. we first have to learn what it is we want when we interact with others. then.. stick to it. do not give away your personal respect and responsibility. live the life you envision.
quietsins
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
HALLELUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You said it sister!
My best-est al-anon friend ALWAYS tells me "We teach people how to teach US".
You could not have said it better!
When I accept the unnacceptable, I am in effect telling the person "Its OK to do, say that to me becuase I have accepted it, please, continue to hurt me more". Its a silent, subtle message Im sending>
Well, no more! I am standing up for myself, for today, MY actions match MY words, and when I say something is unacceptable, I SHOW that it is!
Im taking my former husband to court to enforce child support and Ive had to tell a sponsee that her comments to me were rude and unnacceptable and to seek another sponsor.
If I dont stand for myself, who will?
Thanks for a GREAT reminder!
You said it sister!
My best-est al-anon friend ALWAYS tells me "We teach people how to teach US".
You could not have said it better!
When I accept the unnacceptable, I am in effect telling the person "Its OK to do, say that to me becuase I have accepted it, please, continue to hurt me more". Its a silent, subtle message Im sending>
Well, no more! I am standing up for myself, for today, MY actions match MY words, and when I say something is unacceptable, I SHOW that it is!
Im taking my former husband to court to enforce child support and Ive had to tell a sponsee that her comments to me were rude and unnacceptable and to seek another sponsor.
If I dont stand for myself, who will?
Thanks for a GREAT reminder!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((quitesins))))
I so agree with you on this. It took me a very long time to realize that I allow people to treat me the way they do. Thank you for reminding me that I need to take responsibility for myself in this way too....
I so agree with you on this. It took me a very long time to realize that I allow people to treat me the way they do. Thank you for reminding me that I need to take responsibility for myself in this way too....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
It's so true. It also is true that I treat people with dignity and respect so I was completely unprepared to be stepped on and abused by my AH. And, by the time I realized what the skill was, I was completely beaten down.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Fascinating stuff and all so true, I love how I can learn the most amazing insights of life itself from this forum! It has made the disaster of my experience with an alcoholic so worth it because insights like these will improve and strengthen your life with or without an addict!
Thanks...
Thanks...
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Totally.
We teach other how to treat us. We are no longer victims. As I said on another post this evening, I remember reading early in my SR days that someone asked their AH why they did what they did. The response? "Because you let me".
We teach other how to treat us. We are no longer victims. As I said on another post this evening, I remember reading early in my SR days that someone asked their AH why they did what they did. The response? "Because you let me".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by splendra
I am not sure that we get treated as we deserve so much as we teach and allow people to treat us...We all deserve to be treated well I think.
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