Aquiana

Something very interesting happened this weekend and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it was. Abf went out to a hockey game on Friday night. It's playoffs here for the local team right now. That's a big thing if you understand hockey I guess. He then decided to go out to one of the guy's house afterwards. He didn't come home till about 3 in the a.m. I didn't really care about that, I had to work the next day so I was in bed regardless.

So the next morning he tells me that he has the chance to either coach or play hockey basically as a career. The catch is that it isn't neccessarily here. He said he was seriously thinking of doing it. I told him that was one of those things better expressed before you decide to have a baby! Whatever though, I didn't try to stop him. I said I wasn't going to try to talk him out of it but I did explain that I wasn't going to be in a long distance relationship with him. Also that life with his future child wasn't going to be a revolving door. He wasn't going to put hockey first, child second, not to mention leaving me alone to take care of them, and expect to waltz back in later when it's convenient. In other words, if he chose to run away to wherever to concentrate on hockey, he was giving up his right to be a parent. I don't know if that was the right thing to do but I guess I see it as he made a commitment to myself and his child to be there to help us and so I don't think it's right to decide to abandon that now. I understand that it is important to him and even think that honestly it might be really good for him. I think I mentioned that sick as I kind of think it is, hockey is his dream and if there is anything that could help him control his drinking it's that. I suppose that's why I wasn't talking him out of it. I should explain if I haven't that he's talking about this being a job not just a sport. He would be paid for it, they make good money. He decided in the end not to do it yet, a family means more to him. We both agreed in a few years things might be really different. It was a sacrifice for him not to by the way, he's 35 so he's already getting too old for most teams to sign him. His professional playing days are numbered.

Odd thing was that a few weeks ago I just wanted him to leave. A gentle push this time and guess what, he probably would have. So why didn't I push? I don't quite understand why I didn't take the opportunity to use the situation to my advantage. Do I really think I need him that much still? Am I afraid of doing this alone? This shouldn't be so confusing!

I just wanted to get this out. I really don't know if I did the right thing....or if I did it for the right reasons.

SnoopyGal

It's really tough to try and think about going about things alone, and as women, I think it is even harder. I did it once and I know it was the right thing because it FELT right. I took care of my daughter, went to grad school, paid my own bills, etc., etc. Now that I'm back together with AH, I'm wondering now if I can do that again because that's what I'm facing. But I think we don't give ourselves enough credit. If it comes down to it, you WILL be able to make it.