JennyK

I KNOW my husband wants to be sober. He KNOWS he wants to be sober.

Yet, I have to make it clear to both myself and him that I will NEVER go back to the bad old days.

And I have to do that in way that I don't make all of our conversations all about ME.

This is a weird place to be. He is not totally irrational, as he was before. I can't dismiss his every comment and promise and statement as I did for years.

I NEED to be supportive. As I know in my heart that he wants this so badly.

Even with the drinking that he has done over the past 3 months (3 times), his entire character has changed. He has changed.

Yet, I can't handle the relapses in any sort of sane manner. I am sure that he will have more. I imagine that even with the proper support, a person does not change 38 years of behavior patterns in 3 months. I know I am struggling right now in my own quest to NOT be co-dependent (as you all have witnessed).

How do I reconcile this journey into recovery (and I believe with all my heart that he IS on the right path) with my inability to function while he stumbles?

I was SOOOO good at detachment when he was drunk all the time. I knew what I had to do, when I had to do it. I was fine. Really, you might question that if you are in the process of learning detachment, but I was in a "happy place" for many years.

Now, I am in an uncomfortable place. I can't detach. I am tied to his recovery. As I have told myself and him that this is it. He is on his last chance to get well or our family as we know it, is gone.

I am thinking that my mantra for the next little while needs to go back to "One minute at a time." How can I reconcile that with my statement to him and promise to myself that I will leave if he comes home drunk again?

I suppose that I need to remember that I can change that statement. I can take into consideration that he does not WANT to be a drunk father and that he is trying...working...willing himself (although not at hard as I would like to see) to be sober.

I am in a place of unease and I don't like it much. Can you tell????

Jenny

quietsins

Jenny,

we are such similar situations. i set a boundary. i said i wont go back to the bad ol days. he looked at me and said "you better hope there isnt a bar open because i sure do need a drink right now" just because i tried to talk to him.

i wish i had answers too. guess all i can offer is a hug and to let you know you are not alone.

quietsins

equus

You know we come from different perspectives - but we both love our husbands dearly and we both see real effort. When I read:
it struck an absolute chord in me. But over the last couple of weeks I've found a way that helps me. Instead of focussing on the word dettachment, which I could see sense in but struggled with for all the same reasons as you I thought of it more as acceptance. I accept that he's fighting a difficult disease, I accept that it is a fight - no miracle cures, I accept that I don't know what the outcome will be but that I have to look after myself through it, I accept that I see real effort - I don't mean words, I mean changes in behaviour.

I also accepte that our knowledge of alcoholism isn't in any sense complete and that helps me keep enough flexibility to not feel nutty when the unexpected happens, and it helps me to not try and predict the future.

I think acceptance on that level requires the detachment but by changing the focus it allows me to get it rather than keep feeling insane (my emotions flying round like bats in a disco!!) when I see a drink in his hand.