Need some answers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: cumming,ga
Posts: 7
Need some answers
I am confussed about how sobriety works. My AH was a wounderful, joyful, and loving man before he started getting sober this time. Now he is so emotional detached and does not want anything to do with me. We carry on conversation and talk about the day but not much more is happening. How is it that a person's personnallity changes like this? I have hope that with time he will get better and be more like his joyful self again. I met my AH 2 years into his first sober period and he was wonderful. When he started drinking again he changed some but was still loving and joyful. He is very quiet now and does not seem very happy now that he is sober again. How is this so!!! How long can I expect this to last? I need answers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
There are others here that will be able to give you answers directly refering to the process of getting sober but there's some stuff I see just from a human perspective.
First of all alcohol reduces inhibitions so if he seems inhibited without it it's not that surprising. Secondly I know my husband feels a great deal of shame about having ended up so drunk. You met yours in his first sober period I can't imagine that he wasn't proud to be clean or that he didn't think maybe he'd beaten it for good. Since then he knows what you've seen, he knows what's happened, maybe this time he doesn't feel the same confidence.
I spoke to a counsellor from APAS (our Alcohol Problem Advisory Service) the last thing she said to me was for both of us to try and put ourselves in the other's shoes, try and see the same things but from the other one's perspective. I don't think that means always taking their side, or ignoring our own needs, it's just something good to try and do.
First of all alcohol reduces inhibitions so if he seems inhibited without it it's not that surprising. Secondly I know my husband feels a great deal of shame about having ended up so drunk. You met yours in his first sober period I can't imagine that he wasn't proud to be clean or that he didn't think maybe he'd beaten it for good. Since then he knows what you've seen, he knows what's happened, maybe this time he doesn't feel the same confidence.
I spoke to a counsellor from APAS (our Alcohol Problem Advisory Service) the last thing she said to me was for both of us to try and put ourselves in the other's shoes, try and see the same things but from the other one's perspective. I don't think that means always taking their side, or ignoring our own needs, it's just something good to try and do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Go to the middle of nowhere & add 20 miles
Posts: 30
I don't know if this will give you the answers you are looking for - more than anything just wanted to show my support.
A lot of people go through some personality changes when they are drinking and then also when they stop. For me the alter ego that came out when I drank I called my "evil twin" - and belive me she was. And people were always amazed that such a nice person sober was such a mean drunk!!!!
For now every day I read, post here at SR, work on my quilt. But above and beyond every morning I tell myself, you woke up sober the only priority you have today is your sobriety.
Hope all works out for you.
Northwoods Lady
A lot of people go through some personality changes when they are drinking and then also when they stop. For me the alter ego that came out when I drank I called my "evil twin" - and belive me she was. And people were always amazed that such a nice person sober was such a mean drunk!!!!
For now every day I read, post here at SR, work on my quilt. But above and beyond every morning I tell myself, you woke up sober the only priority you have today is your sobriety.
Hope all works out for you.
Northwoods Lady
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Canada.....Eh?
Posts: 54
nena,
I am totally in your position right now. My AH has been sober for 18 months, and day by day it seems as if we are growing apart. It seems as if the man I married is no longer the man I am married too. It is emotionally draing for me. Each day I try to talk with him, but he seems like he is never happr anymore. As if being sober makes him crabby. It has been this way ever since he started in AA, everybody keeps telling me to hold on it gets better, but I am also losing hope.
Warmest wishes to you.
I am totally in your position right now. My AH has been sober for 18 months, and day by day it seems as if we are growing apart. It seems as if the man I married is no longer the man I am married too. It is emotionally draing for me. Each day I try to talk with him, but he seems like he is never happr anymore. As if being sober makes him crabby. It has been this way ever since he started in AA, everybody keeps telling me to hold on it gets better, but I am also losing hope.
Warmest wishes to you.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
People in early recovery often go through depressive periods (I know I did...) as a result of finally feeling all those uncomfortable feelings they'd been running from while using. Essentially, the anesthesia has worn off. This may last awhile, but it doesn't last forever. The process of recovery helps the individual move past the discomfort and become themselves again, often leading to a much happier and more fulfilling life than they've ever known/imagined was possible (I know I did!).
In 12-Step rooms, I believe this is what's meant by "Don't quit before the miracle".
There are plenty of people in Al-Anon who can certainly relate and offer support in this trying time.
Peace!
In 12-Step rooms, I believe this is what's meant by "Don't quit before the miracle".
There are plenty of people in Al-Anon who can certainly relate and offer support in this trying time.
Peace!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
nena,
I can't help you with this one, my ah has not even thought the word recovery, he is so far from it. There is a lot of good advice above and I'm sure more will come. Just wanted to say hello and welcome to SR!!
Mindi
I can't help you with this one, my ah has not even thought the word recovery, he is so far from it. There is a lot of good advice above and I'm sure more will come. Just wanted to say hello and welcome to SR!!
Mindi
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Being sober is not a natural state of being for an alcoholic.
Most alcholics suffers from mental disorders or emotional deformities.
I myself was a functioning alcoholic for years.
Had fun, got along with the crowd, and made money.
Then something happened...it stopped working.
My life got worst and worst becuase my will to make drinking or using
work or I couldn't accepted that " I'm one of those"
Thur working the 12 steps program, I 've gotten better over
the years. Sometimes just staying sober and working the
steps takes everything out of me. This is on top of
trying to do the everyday living or working.
The ulternative is to go backto my insanity or died.
I actually just went thur what you are talking about.
However, I'm working my steps. I read a lot, write a lot,
go to meetings everyday, prey or meditate.
I help other alcholics or do services work.
By experincing these so call stages of "eclips of the moon"
And not being fixed.....drinking was just another way for me
to fill those emotional holes or numb it.
I got better a litte everyday, but I still have to continue to
work my steps, go to meetings, ask for help from other alki.
There's no such thing as being stable or content for an alcholic.
I'm either moving forward or reverting.
another way of putting it.
Just leave me in my ****, eventually I'll step out of it.
But by not being forced to step out of my ****, I'll not only
step out of it, but don't want to step in it again.
Some people call it learning.
and also about not wanting to be controlled.
We must be free to feel miserable inorder to feel free to be happy.
Have your AH gone to meetings, called his sponsor, or seeking help lately?
Most alcholics suffers from mental disorders or emotional deformities.
I myself was a functioning alcoholic for years.
Had fun, got along with the crowd, and made money.
Then something happened...it stopped working.
My life got worst and worst becuase my will to make drinking or using
work or I couldn't accepted that " I'm one of those"
Thur working the 12 steps program, I 've gotten better over
the years. Sometimes just staying sober and working the
steps takes everything out of me. This is on top of
trying to do the everyday living or working.
The ulternative is to go backto my insanity or died.
I actually just went thur what you are talking about.
However, I'm working my steps. I read a lot, write a lot,
go to meetings everyday, prey or meditate.
I help other alcholics or do services work.
By experincing these so call stages of "eclips of the moon"
And not being fixed.....drinking was just another way for me
to fill those emotional holes or numb it.
I got better a litte everyday, but I still have to continue to
work my steps, go to meetings, ask for help from other alki.
There's no such thing as being stable or content for an alcholic.
I'm either moving forward or reverting.
another way of putting it.
Just leave me in my ****, eventually I'll step out of it.
But by not being forced to step out of my ****, I'll not only
step out of it, but don't want to step in it again.
Some people call it learning.
and also about not wanting to be controlled.
We must be free to feel miserable inorder to feel free to be happy.
Have your AH gone to meetings, called his sponsor, or seeking help lately?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
Hello Nena 
I remember how completely lost and awkward I felt when I first got sober. It was a real emotional roller coaster for me for the first few months. My hubby and I got married when I was still active and we definitely had a few problems relating to eachother for some time. One thing I remember is that he was constantly worried about me.. and it really got on my nerves. I needed time to figure out who I was and mostly I needed time to feel comfortable in any social situation. Somewhere around a year of my being sober we began to "rediscover" eachother... it was fun!
Do you go to Alanon? It will help you, so I hope you go. :hugehug
I remember how completely lost and awkward I felt when I first got sober. It was a real emotional roller coaster for me for the first few months. My hubby and I got married when I was still active and we definitely had a few problems relating to eachother for some time. One thing I remember is that he was constantly worried about me.. and it really got on my nerves. I needed time to figure out who I was and mostly I needed time to feel comfortable in any social situation. Somewhere around a year of my being sober we began to "rediscover" eachother... it was fun!
Do you go to Alanon? It will help you, so I hope you go. :hugehug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
It's very lonely where you're at. I'm there, too. What Nutz said about AH but, for you, there are certain patterns that were established during the drinking days on both of your parts. What I needed to do was to re-establish better patterns for me and our children. Then I could determine how long I was going to wait -- if at all -- for him to show progress or stay stuck. It's like living sedentary and lazy to suddenly working out in the gym, eating well, and having energy. It doesn't happen right away, but if there's progress.....
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
On the other side of the coin when I began recovery in Al Anon it was I that pulled away. I was experiencing so many things at once and I did not trust my normal actions. As I went forward in recovery and began to look at my sick thinking and behaviors I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. In other words there was so much going on inside that I couldn't handle the outside. My husband and son kept trying to pull me back into the "normal" routine but I couldn't trust myself to respond in a healthy way so I didn't respond at all.
That was me and I wasn't an alcoholic. I wasn't addicted to a substance I was addicted to chaos. I can only imagine how it must be magnified when detoxing from a substance is added to that emotional mess.
Something I learned along the way is that I cannot depend on another person for my happiness. I can be happy when the walls are falling down around me as long as I step aside and don't get crushed by the rubble. I can change my focus, take joy in the good (sobriety) and ignore the bad because like all things...this too shall pass.
Hugs,
JT
That was me and I wasn't an alcoholic. I wasn't addicted to a substance I was addicted to chaos. I can only imagine how it must be magnified when detoxing from a substance is added to that emotional mess.
Something I learned along the way is that I cannot depend on another person for my happiness. I can be happy when the walls are falling down around me as long as I step aside and don't get crushed by the rubble. I can change my focus, take joy in the good (sobriety) and ignore the bad because like all things...this too shall pass.
Hugs,
JT
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