JessicaNAJ

I need to vent ....sorry - this is way off topic.

Do you ever get tired of people thinking you have no clue what you're doing?

I've been making it on my own for a year and leading my family for 15 years...People must think I'm stupid or something. Everywhere I turn, they have to reitterate and repeat and tell me they have a better way of handling something. Even at work, my boss has to tell me the same thing in five different ways, LIKE I DON'T GET IT!! Argh......

When I was getting a furnace, since I had to borrow a small portion of the money from my sister and BIL, he HAD to have someone HE knows come look at the furnace, and tells me this 2 hours before I'm reading to get the one I was already getting because HE didn't trust that I knew what I was doing. I finally explained to him (calmly) that I DID get three quotes and I DID get a second opinion....FINALLY he trusted my judgement....argh!!!!

I didn't get where I am today by being dumb. I know what I'm doing.

I don't need to be told a million times what I need to do. I've worked for my boss for 5 years, she's getting worse about telling me the same thing over and over and I DO AN EXCELLENT JOB!! She's even giving me more responsibility everyday b/c she's overloaded. Its like she don't trust me to get something done right, but I know she does or she wouldn't give me more stuff to do.

I mean I know I'm capable of making mistakes, but to be told over an over again the same exact thing. It's exhausting to listen to it....and I can't say anything about it. All I can do is smile and say okay.

I'm done ranting and sounding like a child....sorry, but my anxiety was really getting to me and I didn't want to go crazy at work.

Thanks for letting me vent.......

Magichappens

I don't think it's off topic at all. Part of my recovery was to learn that what others thought of me wasn't as important as I made it. It's still irritating when people treat me like a two year old, but I don't take it personally. I just allow them to do their thing, if that's what they need to do.

There are a lot of people that feel the need to be superior. I have felt that way before. It's a false sense of winning, or a way to get approval. Not very conducive to recovery, but not everyone needs to find humility right now. Knowing that I don't have to be the smartest, or the best at something gives me the ability to be teachable. It allows me to let others help me. I have gotten a lot further with this attitude than to be a "know-it-all".

Their attitude isn't about how stupid you are. It's about how insecure they are. Hugs, Magic

equus

I think it might be because people know you are capable and want your respect - hence they take every opportunity to express and demonstrate what they know.

JessicaNAJ

How do you do that?? As long as I can remember I've felt I had to "prove" to everyone that I was capable of doing what they thought I wouldn't be able to do. I guess I still struggle with that.
Definately my boss. She is never wrong and always has to impress and show off what she knows.... Most of the time I can brush it off, but it is very irritating.
I think I do pretty good at this. I'm always open to constructive critism. I guess where I run into my "problem" is when I've done the same thing a million times and I still feel like I'm being told over and over again how to do it. I just don't know how to over look that.
Thanks Magic!!!

JessicaNAJ

Hmmm....I'm still pondering that.

cwohio

jess - magic summed it up - insecurity abounds in the world! YOU know how capable and competent you are, that's all that matters! BELIEVE!

elizabeth1979

Holy crap...this is a HUGE issue for me. I am always feeling like i get treated like I am stupid and nobody sees that I dont really need their 10 cents and hand holding. It started with my wonderful dear mom who thinks I am an idiot and everything is better her way..I am working through it in therapy...sounds like its just one of those days...be glad you dont have this major issue every day of your life! I am so overly sensitive about it that I FREAK out if anyone in a position of authority (or perceived position) tries to tell me what to do...I am not so good with authority~

emily33

Do you know what I want to do Jess,

Last weekend we went to Home depot and bought everything we needed to put up a gate to block off an area for my dog, so he doenst have access to the whole yard and his messes would be contained to one area, and in the main yard I wouldnt have to worry about landminds everywhere.

My H doesnt want me to put the gate up by myself, he wants to do it when he gets home. I feel like doing it just to prove that I can. I dont need to be babied, and I certainly am perfectly capable of digging two holes for posts, making sure there level, and dumpbing two bags of cement in and letting them cure overnight. I think I could do a better job them him, in half the amount of time. lol

So should I stop myself from doing this, because he has a plan, and he doesnt want me to do it or do I take advantage of the next two days, which are going to be beautiful and do it myself??

Am I way off here, I am sorry I just feel the same way, like people look at me like I am not capable, but that is there problem cause I know that I am, it is just a matter if I feel like proving it or not.

cwohio

emily - only you know how he'll react - if you can deal with it - then have at it and do your thing! i would just tell him it was so nice out and you wanted to do something outside in the fresh air.

myselfagain

Build your fence when you want!!

wraybear

Some great points above. When I come across people that i consider "know-it-alls" I truly look at them and believe they are very insecure and by them insisting on sharing their knowledge with me, it helps them feel better about themselves. So, it then becomes their problem and not mine - so I can go on my merry way!

I know this sounds so simple, but I truly do believe this.
And, I feel a little bit sorry for them too.

Take care and you are one smart cookie in my book! I don't know if you will take that as a compliment or not, coming from silly old me, but it was intended to be one!!! LOL

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Wray!! I will try this....Fake it till you make it, right?? Wish me luck.

BTW - I do believe my boss is very insecure. I see a lot of traits in her I've seen in myself. Even though her H is not an A, she had a very uncaring mother which may be contributing to her actions today. Not for me to analyze though

HER PROBLEM - NOT MINE.

Emily - Good luck with the fence!! Let us know how it goes. I'll be digging a trench to drain the water from my downspout soon (in between cleaning up tons of rock from the backyard). That's going to be fun....I can't wait

Magichappens

I had to quit comparing insides with people's outsides. I realized that EVERYBODY goes through the same things.

One thing that helped me was to stop comparing my accomplishments to everyone else's. I just compare them to me. One example: Last week I started bowling. I have only bowled a few times for fun in my life. Of course I didn't bowl as well as anyone I was bowling with.

We bowled 3 games. The people I was with gave me a few pointers. Before, that would have embarrassed me. But I listened, and at the end of 3 games, I was bowling better than I had in the first game. I still didn't bowl as well as the others. That would take practice and time. But compared to myself, it was good improvement.

Humility(not to be confused with humiliation) is the key to learning and being teachable. Humility is achieved by admitting to myself the truth about myself, good and bad, and accepting the truth. At times I have been humiliated because I haven't achieved humility, and it bit me in the butt. I don't like being humiliated, so I try today to have as much humility as possible.

The 12 steps taught me how to be humble. I used to think being humble was a weak thing, but now I realize that the greatest people in the world were the humblest. They had to be to gain greatness. Pride and vanity keep me from being the greatest person I can be. When I realized that, I realized that there is a great power in being humble.

If I am good at something, I don't feel the need to prove it. It will prove itself. I don't need other people to believe the truth about me. I just need to know and accept it in myself. Hugs, Magic

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Magic!! I needed to hear that.

Humility....not humiliation.

Now, how do you let go of something when you know you screwed up....besides apologizing endlessly hoping the other person will forgive and forget.

In other words, how do you accept a mistake and not kick yourself in the butt all day.

Beautiful

I JUST had that happen to me. His insecurity is pissing me off. Breathe, Breathe, breathe..................

equus

I'm a bit like Magic with her bowling. As a kid I was very insecure, now I'm more secure, tomorrow I hope I'm more secure than I am now. I don't compare it much with others, I know I've made mistakes and come off as arrogant as hell - even giving advice not asked for - but it's a work in progress and I'm not done yet.

If it's done out of malice then it's one thing but if it's just lack of confidence surely it's better to just let it go. I think a lot of the time it isn't meant to be nasty.

On how to forgive yourself - uhmmmmmm.... I hate making mistakes and the bit I hate the most is when I know I've made one but have to wait to apologise. I figure once I've owned up and said sorry I've at least set the record straight, I can't change the past so I leave it there.

Magichappens

Ok, I know you probably get really bored with this, but...

Working the steps taught me how to make amends instead of saying I was sorry. We've all been on both sides of this. The alcoholic says sorry and does the same thing again and again. So sorry doesn't mean anything. I do the same things over and over again. If I'm really wanting to change it, then I am making an amend. The word amend means to change. Taking stock of my defects, and making a real effort, with help from my recovery group, is an amend. Some characteristics I didn't want to change, but I didn't want the consequences of others not liking me because of them. I had to make a decision which was more important; being me, or having people liking a fake me.

The process of the steps gave me the ability to become the real me. It gave me the ability to know that I was loveable and worthy of love. It gave me the ability to become the me I wanted to be instead of the me that others wanted me to be.

My solutions aren't the only ones. But they worked for me. If someone else's way isn't working for them, I hope they can try something different. What have they got to lose, except a little effort. And it might work. I am not sorry that I tried it. Hugs, Magic

JessicaNAJ

NO WAY AM I BORED.... I love getting other's points of views. It helps me learn and it gives me the opportunity to see things from another perspective.

You have given me great advice. Thank you!!

I agree with you about apologies.... I've never looked at it that way before. To correct the problem is the best way to make amends.

StandingStrong

Jessica, I think that people do this for many different reasons. Sometimes it is something as simple as undermining you so as to make themselves feel superior to you. Sometimes it's a matter of them trying to control you, change you, manipulate you, make you feel insecure, etc. Honestly, there are so many different reasons that I don't think we can say why people do this because I'm guessing that they would each have a different reason. On the other hand, I want you to remember.....sometimes we take other's wrong. Something that I've come to realize over the time that AH and I have been split up about myself is that I've always been so independant that maybe I was even a little too independant! I refused help all the time, I never asked for anything. Ironically, there was a phase where a few very close friends and a family member all pointed out to me (during the same week, no less) how my refusing their help hurt them. They wanted to help me, they wanted to do something for me, they wanted to give their support to me, etc. and my refusal was like an insult to them.
Don't stress over someone's reasons as to why they talk down to you or act like your stupid. It's really hard to tell why they are acting this way. But you know what - just smile at them and go about your business. YOU know who you are and what you are capable of - do NOT let them make you feel any way that you don't choose to feel. They just aren't worth it Jessica.

JessicaNAJ

SS.... My boss does come across like she wants to be superior at times. She acts like she's the only one (in the entire department no less) who can do anything right. Your right, just like me trying to figure out my AH's actions, there's not point trying to figure out anyone elses. It's going to drive me nuts if I do try. It's not worth it.

The more I focus on me and what I need to do to better myself, the less these "little" things will bother me.

Yesterday was a bad day for me....Today was much better (things didn't get to me so much).