jjaa

A few moths ago I accidently found some E-mail letters my husband of twelve years was sending to his old girlfriend. They were very romantic, and it hurt me deeply. I didn't tell him I knew until the pain got so bad I had to let him know that I knew. He said it was nothing but he could not explain why he was saying those things. He says he is in love with me but he has never said sweet things to me like he said to her in those letters. He was very secretive about it. He says he will not write to her anymore but I just don't know if I can trust him. I am very confused. Part of me says that I should forgive him and realize that all this happened for a reason and that God is in charge. And then another part of me says that I need to get real and realize that it is over. I am struggling between my fear and surrender. Ego and God? I would love some feedback and program support, Thanks JJ

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi JJ,

I guess the first thing would be to decide if you WANT it to be over. If the answer is yes, there's no more use wondering what's up with him. If no, then would it be possible for the two of you to go to a marriage counselor? It's easy for romance to evaporate from a relationship, even if the love is strong, when faced with the day to day drag and more especially when the stablity and peace are being strained by someone's substance abuse. Maybe counseling could help you find some of that again.

Hugs,
Smoke

JT

JJ,

I agree that you need to get real...but that doesn't mean it has to be over.

You can't put your head in the sand and make it all go away..it happened. I would not be too quick to let it go either. It is a red flag. Your trust was violated...and personally, if I wanted to be a policewoman I would have gone to the academy.

Smoke is right...and by suggesting councelling to him you may get a glimmer of where he is.

Hugs,
JT

morningstar

I would definitely go to a marriage counselor and get him to open up about it, or it will continue to bother you, and unless you know why, I think it would be hard for anyone to trust a mate after gaining such knowledge.

It could be that it is a flight of fancy from the realities of day-to-day life that can be hard and boring.

Sometimes men can do and say things that mean less to them than they would to us. This I have learned over the years. Some women are that way also, but I think it is more rare.

I learned too about things my "friend" said to other women over the internet, and it was one of the ways I found out about his duplicity. I'm glad I did. We weren't married, of course, but I'm learning that he is very infantile when it comes to relationships with women. He started drinking when he was 16, and that is about his level. When he was sober for 6 months, he was actually more adult, realizing that he wasn't in a position to commit to a relationship.

Now he is fantasizing again, and I think a lot of it is alcohol induced. He thinks he can have it all. Not only does he have a "new girlfriend", he is already flirting with others.

I'm gratified, and sad. He is repeating with her, the pattern with me.

I believe nothing NOTHING will change for him until he becomes sober. Unfortunately his gas and electricity are paid by a female enabler and he is avoiding bottom with his charm and finding women who want to be helpful.

I wish you luck. Sometimes I curse the internet. I think this kind of thing goes on a lot.

An internet friend said that of 6 couples she knew, four relationships were destroyed because of internet-related philandering.

Where's my [COLOR=crimson]doggy![/COLOR -- time for a good hug from ol' dependable unconditional lover.