morningstar

I found a path to forgiveness of the woman minister who caused me hurt, or, I guess more correctly, I felt hurt by her actions.

I realized that she does not know the joy that respecting another woman's feelings is. She may have seduced a man I was involved with, but she is missing out on the joy of respecting all people in all relationships. I never would get involved with a married man, or seduce the male friend of a girlfriend. I respect other women too much. She must have had an addictive need to have him like her (I understand that!), and I realized knowing that she was callous and uncaring towards me, must at some point cause her pain.

I have more to learn about forgiveness and I still have returning thoughts of bitterness and resentment, but it was a relief and a peace, when I prayed for her and forgave her to the extent I could.

I also think, she may have "gotten me off the hook", ironically, from being involved with a practicing alcoholic.

I'm learning other things also.

Any thoughts about forgiveness?

Ann

There is a saying here that having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

And the antidote to resentment is forgiveness. That doesn't mean we have to repeat the mistakes of the past, or befriend the person, it just means we forgive them and let it go.

Some people are just jerks, and we can forgive jerks too, and just let them go.

I am happpy for you that you are already looking in your heart to forgive...it is a healthy place to be.

JT

Hi,

Now you have me thinking that I have never really addressed forgiveness...I ACCEPT. If a person has treated me badly I accept that they are doing what they know how to do.

Acceptance is something that comes very easily for me...things are the way they are suppose to be...so why hold grudge.

Same thing???

JT

Peter

I CARRIED A DEEP RESENTMENT FOR SOMETHING THAT A MAN DID TO ME AS A CHILD.THIS RESENTMENT AS MANY OF US KNOW CAN CAUSE US MUCH PAIN AND FOR ME WAS ALSO A TERRIBLE BURDEN TO CARRY,ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I KEPT IT HIDDN INSIDE FOR A LONG LONG TIME,THEN I FOUND OUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT,AND IT WAS THAT "THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD EVER MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY WAS FORGIVENESS"ALL THE YEARS OF HIDING DID NOT HELP,ALL THE YEARS OF WISHING HIM HARM DID NOT HELP.SO I HAD TWO CHOICES;HATE HIM AND SUFFER,OR FORGIVE AND FIND PEACE..............the only thing that would make the pain go away was forgiveness.......peter.

Paulie

This is a great topic -

We have been talking alot about this in my house lately. With the death of an alcohalic family member, this comes up alot.

JT you sent me to look up accept and forgive - here is what I got.

Accept -
1 a : to receive willingly <accept a gift> b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added) <a surface that will not accept ink>
2 : to give admittance or approval to <accept her as one of the group>
3 a : to endure without protest or reaction <accept poor living conditions> b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable <the idea is widely accepted> c : to recognize as true : BELIEVE <refused to accept the explanation>
4 a : to make a favorable response to <accept an offer> b : to agree to undertake (a responsibility) <accept a job>

Forgive -
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON <forgive one's enemies>
intransitive senses : to grant forgiveness

Hmmmm - that is a fine line. I think of one of Pauls siblings. She accepts that her father was an A, but has not forgiven him for the way he treated her. I think of the person who molested me as a little girl. I forgive him for what he did but do I accept it? I don't know. Yeah it happened, but by the definition of accept, no I don't accept it.

This is interesting. I say alot to people I know that we have to accept people for who they are, but forgiving them, I do believe these are two seperate things.

Hmmmmmm................

JT

Pauline,

Now you have me running for my recovery books...I think you are right, they ARE two differant things and I have found a pretty big gap in my program. Acceptance calms my resentment and anger of a situation (it is how it is) but forgive? Hmmmmm....

'scuse me...I have some reading to do!

Hugs,
JT

Peter

THANK YOU MORNINGSTAR.I AGREE THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL TOPIC.peter

morningstar

anns, I love the saying you quoted

That's exactly what occurred to me. I was feeling all the pain.

I think the codependent in me wants to gain favor with her (in some way), and have her love me. In that way I would reduce the pain also, but...that too is controlling. It's messy enough as is. ha ha

In the church material I was reading on forgiveness and resentment, what hit me (I wish I had it here to quote directly) was:
[paraphrased] forgiving seems to imply sometimes that the hurt was NOT significant

It went on: just the opposite is the case. It was significant. It was something that required forgivenss. It was a true hurt. [again, my words]

Forgiving acknowledges that it was wrong of the other person. But (I'm thinking) that punishment is not to be gained by hurting ourselves with resentment. And...in my case...I was thinking this "other woman's" punishment, was something inherent in her own acts, not in my feelings. And when I looked hard enough, I could see somethings that would indeed be punishments. She has learning to do too, about life and being a good person.

And PETER, you are so right. The only thing that makes the pain go away (and the hurt I'm addressing is very recent, not a childhood one, like yours), is forgiveness. I don't intellectually understand it, but a sense of peace came over me. Even if I try to get that level of resentment back, I cannot. I still feel some, so I have work to do, but it doesn't hurt like it did just last week.

Life is no bowl of cherries for those who do harm. I guess that is a bottom line to even the most horrific acts, like those that occur in war. I am amazed by people who can forgive individuals who have killed family members, for instance. Yet they too say, it has released them from tremendous pain.