Aquiana

Abf and I had a really bad couple of days. He came home drunk of Sunday. If that wasn't bad enough, when I checked out bank account I found he had spent $250 again. Not just spent it but gambled it so he might as well have thrown it down the toilet. I have been trying to save as much as I can since I found out I was pregnant because we have some renovations that have to be done before the baby is born. He said he thought it was ok because I had some money that my parents gave me for my birthday that I was putting in on Monday. So in other words, he can spend all of his money and then he expected to use my birthday money which was actually given to me to pay the last payment on my home this month. I said forget it, I'm not putting that money in. Then he said, well we get paid on Wednesday so what's the big deal? He doesn't get it! We are supposed to be saving but everytime we get some extra he spends it. On nothing!

So that was it. I told him he was the most selfish, inconsiderate, irresponsible person I have ever met. I gave his damned engagement ring back and told him to get the hell away from me. He wouldn't. He says I don't have a good enough reason. I called him every name in the book from leach to deadbeat. Not just to be mean but to get him to leave. He still wouldn't. This has gone on for two days. I won't let him touch me. I told him I didn't love him anymore and should be considered single. Well, he still won't go. I don't know if he just doesn't believe me or what. I swear I want him gone. It's not an empty threat this time. He swears he won't do it again but he will.

So now what? I told him I wanted him out and I mean it but he won't leave. I'm stuck with him. The only way I can remove him is to have him arrested for breach of probabtion and I'm not ready to call the police yet. I have no idea what to do here. I've done everything now to make a person want to leave besides cheating on him. I am trapped unless I can get mean enough to put him in jail! Any suggestions on what to do now? I'm sick of fighting and I think I've done enough name calling but I really don't want him around. It's my home, I'm the one paying for it so I don't want to leave. Why should he get a free place to stay while he chases me out of my house.

I swear, breaking up with someone shouldn't be this hard.

equus

I'm so sorry you're going through this!! I remember trying to get rid of unwanted lodgers for my brother and it was a nightmare!!

I don't know anything about US law but it would be where I started. Either that or just scare the bejazus out of him (which is what I ended up doing for my brother)!!

I hope your law is more effective than ours!!

gelfling

Dear Aq,

Where you are living...whose name is on the lease? His and yours or just yours. If yours, you can get him tossed out. Or you can just up and leave.

Of course, in his mind you'll never have a good enough reason to make him leave. You're growing and learning and seeing all the reasons that he needs to leave. You need to take what money is yours and open another account with your name only or get a safety deposit box and put it there. Forget about hiding it in the house. He'll find it.

Be careful and take care of you and your little one.

Blessings

cwohio

aquiana - i am so sorry - you are right - why does it have to be so hard!!! i don't have any advice (sorry). when the time comes i will be the one leaving because i know it would be more of a pain to go the other route even tho we are married.

(((aquiana))) - take care of yourself and your baby.

elizabeth1979

Oh girl...I have been there. There is not hard and fast way to "make him" leave. Geez, I did the same stuff and mine wouldnt leave...and expecting you to use your money on the house, when he spends his....OH, I just really feel your pain!
I had to take mine to a hotel, drop him off and go home without him. Can you change your locks? If you can just take his keys so one time he just comes home one time and cant get in, maybe he will be drunk and mad enough to go somewhere else, or cause a big enough scene outside that someone else will call the police!
I am sorry, thats probably not helpful...I will say a prayer for you and your baby!

walkingtheline

I'm going thru the same thing.

His name IS on the place as is mine. We're barely civil. I have asked and asked for him to go and it falls on deaf ears. I can afford the place on my own, he cannot. My office is here as well.

I have about reached the point where I will move and simply leave him here.
Am saving every extra penny...

I keep thinking of that old old Neil Sedaka song..."they say that breaking up is hard to do, now I know, I know that it's true...."

It just SUCKS

Aquiana

Thank you everyone. Just getting it out makes me feel better. Knowing that I'm not just "blowing it out of proportion" like he says makes me feel better. I can't believe he went out and basically spent my birthday money! He doesn't see it that way of course. I never knew he was that selfish! We need so many things for the baby and all he can think about is having fun for himself. That's what he said, "What's wrong with having a little fun?" What about the rest of us?

Unfortunately I called the police and spoke to them after the last time he did this in January. The only way to have him forcibly removed is to have him arrested for breach of probation. Even then, I don't know how long he'd be in jail and he might just come back. Where I live, (in Canada) he's considered common law and has a right to be here now. He's never physically abused me so they won't remove him for that. I really don't want to leave. I spent years paying for this place and as of the end of this month I own it. If I leave, he just gets a free place to stay and I have to pay for something else. Or I sell it, but with the baby on the way and myself facing maternity leave I really can't afford to do that right now. I don't want to tell my parents, ( I could stay there) because I don't need my dad and brother getting physically involved in this if you know what I mean. They'd get him out, I know they would but there may be a physical confrontation that I don't feel would benefit anyone.

I'm trying to talk him into going. I'm going to ask him tonight what his reason is for staying. Is it just because he has no place to go or is it because he thinks he can fix things again for a while. If it's because he thinks he can fix things, I'm going to keep telling him he's wasting his time. Mostly for now I'm trying to make it miserable enough around here that he'll go. It isn't good for me neither but I don't know what else to do. Legally, I'm screwed.

By the way, the baby is fine. I just had an ultrasound yesterday and they can't find a reason for the bleeding. Everything seems alright. That was the really good news! They said it could just be something that will just happen. The placenta is a little low but she said that isn't too unusual for where I am right now. It can move up later. They'll just keep an eye on that. So far so good though. I'm determined to take good care of this baby, with or without him.

gelfling

You said you were screwed legally. Is his name on the mortgage? If not, he's screwed because you can have him removed. I wonder why you're worrying about him and the breach of his probation...that's his problem. You've got yourself and your little one to worry about.

Don't go getting yourself in a tizzy and trying to make him mad enough to leave. You'll just be aggravating yourself.

Talk with legal aid and see if they have any ideas they can give you.

((((((((((((Aq and little Aq)))))))))))))))))

cwohio

(((aquiana))) i am glad to hear the baby is fine. i am so sorry for you being in this situation. i pray that things will work out for you in a peaceful way.

queenofthehwy

Are you sure your not ready? If this is the only way he will leave and you want him to leave it might be the only option for now.
Um, I would think you telling him you don't love him would be a good enough reason, it would be for most people.
I'm so glad to hear everything is fine with the baby.
Take care of yourself and the little one.
(((((hugs)))))
Mindi

Aquiana

Hugs from both of us back! I'm just going by what the police told me last time. You're right though Gelfling, I should talk to legal aid to see what they say. That's a really good idea! I guess that's the best way to find out what kind of rights to things he has. I find it really hard to send him to jail. I know that's what will happen for sure. The officer told me that last time. He'd be arrested for sure, although I don't know if he'd go to jail right away. He probably would. He's not allowed to drink.

queenofthehwy

If you did call the cops and he was arrested, what would he do? Do you think he would do anything to harm you when he got out?

Aquiana

Hi Queen, I missed yours! I did tell him I didn't love him. I don't know if he doesn't believe me or if he just can't leave due to lack of a place to stay. He says he doesn't understand how I can one minute and not the next. I tried to explain it's because he's one person one minute and another the next. Although, that's not true is it, he's always been both people. I guess I mostly want to try to get him to leave without the jail first.

I don't think he'd harm me honestly. He really isn't that type. I'm a little afraid in the future. More I hate to have to tell his child I had him thrown in jail, and that's why he's not around. I'd rather at least try to end things somewhat civil. I don't know if that's possible yet.

queenofthehwy

Aquiana
The reason he wouldn't be around is because of the choices he is making!! I know you want things to end peacefully, but what if he's just trying to hang in long enought to win you back to break you down into letting him stay? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it breaks my heart to know your baby could miss out on having a great daddy. I don't know maybe he could be a great dad, but not while he is making these selfish choices. I'm sorry, this sucks, for us and for our babies. My youngest is 6 and he tells me "dad is the biggest meany" he hides from him and won't ask him for anything.
I hate what this does to families and I don't want your baby to go through this.
Mindi
s

FriendofBill

I have choices and options today. If a situation is UNACCPETABLE for me, and the other party wont leave....I leave.

If a person is unwilling to exercise the options available cus they might "Hurt" the alcoholic/addict, (Calling the police to report the probabtion violation), then they shall suffer the consequences that come..ie: he stays.

Choices and options are my right....am I willing to exercise them for my own good, or shall I sit back and wait for someone else to take action?

Nah...I tried that...they never took the action I wanted...so I had to.

Change myself, that was MY solution.

elizabeth1979

Aquiana, I am on a big boundarie kick today! So, he is really really violating your physical and personal boundaires by refusing to leave. Don't you think? Why should he get to call the shots and make you feel like you need to have a a better reason? There will never be a good enough reason to him possibly.


I couldnt agree more. I think Queen is also right when she says he COULD be a really great dad, but not now!! This doesnt allow him to look at himself and say, whoa..maybe I need to do something about my life!

I understand if you are not ready to make him leave, I have been there. But, please remember that his emotional manipulation is not yours to own. His anger and confusion are his!! If you are clear on not wanting him there butcan put up with it, good for you, I just know that after about 3 days of that, I was over it.

Aquiana

So I tried to talk to him rationally about leaving. I asked him why he wanted to stay. No place to go or did he honestly think things could improve. He said they could improve. I said it was too late for that. I told him we could end things nicely or it could get ugly. Well he still wouldn't go. He still says that he learned his lesson. I said, Uh huh.... In other words, I don't believe that one bit. Oh he'll be good for a few weeks probably and when he thinks my guard's down he'll let loose again.

For now he's here though. Mostly because I'm sick of fighting. At least with him. I am going to see if I can find out his legal rights here first. I also want to calm down a bit before I make any decisions based on emotion. I still don't want to call the police but we'll see. It might be the only way. I'm getting way too worked up and need to settle down. I'm going to focus more on relationships with friends and family than with him. He's here, but we're doing our own thing for now. I'll wait a few days and talk about him leaving again. If I stick to my guns, he should get the point.

minnie

Aquiana

Sorry to hear that things aren't going too well. You keep yourself calm - your baby needs you to be healthy.

There's one thing I'm puzzled about. Are you saying that your b/f has broken the terms of his probabtion and therefore technically should have been arrested? Is so, are you helping him avoid the consequences of his actions?

Good call on not making decisions in the heat of the moment. Otherwise, that would be reacting and we know that's not good for us.

chrisea

I have mixed feelings about going the judical way of getting them out... But after that, it's just about how much you want them out... Mine has basically gone, and he won't be coming back here. I still have to pinch myself in the morning to make sure it's real. Not that life is ever easy, afterwards, (still have plenty to take care of) but at least I know what I'm dealing with myself. I thought of my sister... and how a few years back, she was determined to get him out. Mind you, she didn't talk to me about this, but I could tell in her actions... Their residence was a war camp. Get or Do what you know he doesn't like. I have noticed in some relationships, the guy is even selfish on what is to be in the house. It's like this ~ well you know I like the ice cream without nuts, so why did you buy these. (like forget, that maybe I like it) So get all ice cream with nuts, etc. I think one of my sister's was, he would put the leftover in the refrig without covering it. So when she went to pull it out, she tilled it too much and it all went on the floor. Then the dogs got it. And she also went about her life, while she was doing this. Going to the movies with my brother and sometimes me. He would be all upset about this. She told him "Jack, you'll get over this." And she enjoyed the rest of her evening. But you know what, when he did finally go (think it took at least a yr or more) he called a few weeks later. She thinks he did that to see if she would ask him back... It seems that if they have no where to go, it's the toughest to get them to go. I know I had to go to extreme measures. But then it's going on 3 yrs and he hasN'T paid One bill toward living here. He always has enough to go (often) out with, well you know the story. I think mine moved on with another woman. That could be a new business, rent a woman to coax your man away. One position I wouldn't want, then you have them... If you are the only one on the lease or morgage, then that's is better. With my sister, she had to wait a few yrs to get a lawyer to track him down, etc, etc... they were common-in-law, but bought the house together. She contributed the most to the bills, paying for it etc (I'm sure)
recently I was talking to a woman who put all his clothes out on the porch (cause he called for some) and he just sorted thru to get what he wanted for that day... Guess he thought he was coming back.

elizabeth1979

HAHAHAHAHA! That is just way too funny as sad as I am today! Can I be CEO?