Beautiful

My H has been a dry drunk for about 8 years. He was in active recovery when we met and changed immediately when we came home from our honeymoon to 1) live in the *their* house, 2) his 2 teenage daughters, 3) a huge amount of debt that he just "forgot" to mention when I asked.

Anyway, he's been back in active recovery for about 6 months yet he says that, because I am empowered to make that house "MY" house (without his ex furniture, etc.) that I am self-centered. I think that when two people get married that BOTH people have a say in where they live and what it looks like. Initially, I agreed to live there for 5 years (I should mention that) because the 2 kids were 15 and 18 at the time and had been in a new school district for only 1 year before the divorce. I don't consider that co-dependent BUT HE DOES.

Can someone explain to me what active addiction really looks like without adding "drinking alcohol" to the equation? Since he doesn't drink I get confused when looking for these answers. Also, he blames me for being "selfish" when I say that I am going to redo our house, my "tactics" for speaking with him (problem solving clearly doesn't exist) don't "work", if I didn't "nag" him (asking 20 times over a 3 month period for 1 project), and that I "don't *need* _______________" even though he refuses to sell *our*(loosely stated) house which is currently 4 times what we can afford.

He is nice to me otherwise which sends a hugely mixed message. I love him, but if I look at the relational part of our marriage there's nothing there. He disagrees and says that I should spend more time looking at what we have versus what we don't have. The problem is that I still come up with the same answer - nothing.

Is this normal?

gelfling

Dry drunk is just what the name implies. No booze, but still an alcoholic. Personality remains the same. Is he going to meetings on a regular basic? How about a sponosr? Some think that because they don't drink anymore, everything is peachy. We know better.


Have you been going to any alanon meetings? They're wonderful. And posting here is a balm for the soul.

teach2read

Hi Beautiful,

I don't know a lot, but am learning the hard way. I posted on this site about 3 months ago and got a reply regarding my husband and the term "dry drunk". At the time, I had never heard of that.

What Mark said was very insightful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=47212


Since then, we have been going along at a slow pace, trying to put the pieces back together. Looking at this site a couple of months later, I saw someone responding to what Mark had told me, and about the term, "dry drunk". I was startled to experience my husband's own response to that term when he heard me mutter it aloud. Then Mark went into greater detail:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=49021

I don't know if this helps out or not. I know that I was incredibly naive about my husband's recovery. 15 years sober and we hit rock bottom, not necessarily the way you would expect either. I just didn't realize what was going on. He should have stayed with some type of program. I should have done my homework better. As it stands now, he is attending regular AA meetings, I am in counseling and attending regular meetings of CoDependent's Anonymous. I highly recommend getting help, it was sorely needed in my situation.

Keep reading this site, it is a Godsend.

Good luck to you, don't give up!

Lo

Chy

Last time I posted this link it caused quite a controversy amongst program and non-program people. Please know it is soley provided to give you some helpful information and not a matter of debate for those peeking in. http://alcoholism.about.com/gi/dynam...2Fdrydrunk.htm.

Beautiful

I have always been of the mindset that his alcoholism is his problem. It is not my responsibility, nor will I be accountable for it. He was in a program before our marriage and I didn't sign on to be married to the person he became. That said, it wasn't/isn't my responsibility to see if he goes to meetings (which he does now) -- only how he treats me and our children. Likewise, it isn't his problem if I don't wear my glasses and run into walls. The only difference is I put my glasses on every day or I can't see. If I drove a car without my glasses I would crash and no one would have any sympathy for my stupidity and huge risk to myself and family. With alcoholism, "understanding" seems to be this great word. "Understanding" is what you get when you get in an accident WHILE WEARING YOUR GLASSES.

Hmmmmm......I can see that I'm still pretty angry over this.

Dan

Absolutely well said.
Until I was ready and willing to accept I had a serious problem, inside me, it was always your __________ that made me miserable.
I could find an excuse to justify my irritability in an orange peal if I had to.
Not drinking is easy. Living life in a sober and serene manner is the real challenge.

Beautiful

So avoidance *is* a symptom of the whole. That is the reason that conflicts have no resolution unless it is resolved as the A wishes it to be.

SERIOUS food for thought. I guess I never equated avoidance with alcoholism....probably because everything he avoided *I* was busy handling.

rara

I have posted here several times about my marriage to my AH and my living situation, so I don't want to make this too long. My AH had a house that he bought after his wife died, (now seven years ago) and all the grown kids have bedrooms here. We now live here full time (NOT what I want) and the grown kids still have bedrooms!!!!!! (30, 28,23) !!!!!! I did not sign up for this. I didn't have a clue.

They visit usually a few days a month. He will not redo the bedrooms, says the kids are "sensitive" and gets very angry at me for "my" insensitivity, etc, etc. Talking to him is nearly useless. Whew. It is a long, long story. I am so angry and resentful about it all that I am just doing my own thing most of the time. He doesn't get it and I DON'T GET IT! I think it is insane.

Alcoholic families are loyal to an extreme. Irrational. Destructive. I think that is a lot of it. I am not part of the original group of alcoholics or alcoholic family members ( I know that sounds nasty, but it is true.)

AH has not been drinking for about two weeks, two weeks in February also, who know what he will do but is not going to AA. I believe in the dry drunk theory, because he is mostly the same, just quieter! I don't know why the addictive personality thinks the way they do, but I do know they are self-centered and unreasonable, among other things. Maybe if he stops for a long time he will go to AA, or nothing will change. I am not very hopeful at all.

I wish I could be more encouraging! I feel I at least empathize with you. You aren't crazy!

So frustrating!