how do you protect your kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: here
Posts: 62
how do you protect your kids?
Hi all,
was wondering: how do you protect your kids from their A dad? Do they realise at all what is going on? my little one is only a baby. baby already saw his drunk dad fall down stairs in from of him. Did not smile to his dad for a few days...AH was drunk the other day and walked in baby's bedroom and started making noise, turning lights on etc... I am sure he would never hurt him intentionally but I am scared he might pick him up and fall over with him. Am scared how things will turn out when our kid grows up....
how can you let your AH without interfering when your kids might suffer from it? how can you detach??
feeking like leaving AH may be a better option but what is worse, an A dad or no dad at all... sorry for the ranting I am confused...
was wondering: how do you protect your kids from their A dad? Do they realise at all what is going on? my little one is only a baby. baby already saw his drunk dad fall down stairs in from of him. Did not smile to his dad for a few days...AH was drunk the other day and walked in baby's bedroom and started making noise, turning lights on etc... I am sure he would never hurt him intentionally but I am scared he might pick him up and fall over with him. Am scared how things will turn out when our kid grows up....
how can you let your AH without interfering when your kids might suffer from it? how can you detach??
feeking like leaving AH may be a better option but what is worse, an A dad or no dad at all... sorry for the ranting I am confused...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
I learned very quickly that my primary focus was to ALWAYS be around my children after 4PM, when my husband came home drunk nearly every day.
He was never allowed to bath them, put them to bed or even be alone in the room with them. He was FAR from abusive, just very very hyper and loud and crazy.
They love their father, but until very recently have not called on him for caretaking in anyway.
My husband has been sober for over 2 months (aside from one HORRIBLE slip) and recently I have seen much more interaction on many levels from the children.
I suggest reframing your vision of parenting if you plan to stay with an active alcoholic and you have young children. My husband was never allowed to put them in car, they were not allowed in the yard with him while he was drinking. I was on continual alert at all times.
It is exhausting and so necessary to be prepared for essentially single parenting (with the added responsibility of managing a drunk husband) if you are parenting with an alcoholic partner.
I did take FULL advantage of the hung over/feeling bad/wanting to make amends husband in the mornings and he had (and still has) breakfast and dressing duties.
Good luck to you and stick around here, you will learn a lot.
Jenny
He was never allowed to bath them, put them to bed or even be alone in the room with them. He was FAR from abusive, just very very hyper and loud and crazy.
They love their father, but until very recently have not called on him for caretaking in anyway.
My husband has been sober for over 2 months (aside from one HORRIBLE slip) and recently I have seen much more interaction on many levels from the children.
I suggest reframing your vision of parenting if you plan to stay with an active alcoholic and you have young children. My husband was never allowed to put them in car, they were not allowed in the yard with him while he was drinking. I was on continual alert at all times.
It is exhausting and so necessary to be prepared for essentially single parenting (with the added responsibility of managing a drunk husband) if you are parenting with an alcoholic partner.
I did take FULL advantage of the hung over/feeling bad/wanting to make amends husband in the mornings and he had (and still has) breakfast and dressing duties.
Good luck to you and stick around here, you will learn a lot.
Jenny
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Hi atdawn - can I share what has just happened to me
Have a 3.5 y/o and 20 months old and wondered if they had been affected by AH behaviour - thought 3 y/o had been but nothing specific. As I have heard repeatedly on here being an A is a degenerative condition. My AH had never been violent toward me or them until recently. As 3's behaviour got more "annoying" he would get louder and the other day slammed his fist through her cupboard door in front of her.
He had a problem wanting sex all the time and it had become increasingly rougher and he had threatened to force me when I started to say No.
Told him I was leaving - wanted a break to sort my head out. Last weekend he waited til I was getting out of the shower then tried to rape me in the bedroom - while the kids were in the dining room eating breakfast. They could hear me screaming at him to stop and I eventually ran out with 1 article of clothing on crying to be with them as it was the only place I felt safe.
Needless to say we are now out of there and 3 y/o hasn't once asked to see her Dad. 20 month old has also not asked for his Dad but I believe he had started to take things on board.
This may be a bit different than your situation but if you are at all worried about your kids safety or emotional well being I would stress the point that it will not get any better and they probably already take on more than you know.
Best of Luck and look after the little one and yourself.
Aud.
Have a 3.5 y/o and 20 months old and wondered if they had been affected by AH behaviour - thought 3 y/o had been but nothing specific. As I have heard repeatedly on here being an A is a degenerative condition. My AH had never been violent toward me or them until recently. As 3's behaviour got more "annoying" he would get louder and the other day slammed his fist through her cupboard door in front of her.
He had a problem wanting sex all the time and it had become increasingly rougher and he had threatened to force me when I started to say No.
Told him I was leaving - wanted a break to sort my head out. Last weekend he waited til I was getting out of the shower then tried to rape me in the bedroom - while the kids were in the dining room eating breakfast. They could hear me screaming at him to stop and I eventually ran out with 1 article of clothing on crying to be with them as it was the only place I felt safe.
Needless to say we are now out of there and 3 y/o hasn't once asked to see her Dad. 20 month old has also not asked for his Dad but I believe he had started to take things on board.
This may be a bit different than your situation but if you are at all worried about your kids safety or emotional well being I would stress the point that it will not get any better and they probably already take on more than you know.
Best of Luck and look after the little one and yourself.
Aud.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Yes, we are all sure our nice A's would never hurt our kids or us intentionally. But, when alcohol has become their #1 priority, nothing else matters. My AH of 15 years, had been sober for several months... then decided to drink and drive with the kiddos in the car. He was in a horrible accident, he was on a vent for 4 weeks, didn't know if he would live. My 4 year-old was in hospital for 13 days with damage to her liver, intestines and a spinal fracture.
So, bad things do happen to the good people. Sometimes after so many years of drinking and the progressiveness of this disease, those good people we married, are gone and totally lost. If he doesn't get help, things could get worse. It is so sad.
It is a very tough decision what you speak of. An "A" dad or no dad. You just have to do some real soul searching and figure out what is best for you and your kiddos.
So, bad things do happen to the good people. Sometimes after so many years of drinking and the progressiveness of this disease, those good people we married, are gone and totally lost. If he doesn't get help, things could get worse. It is so sad.
It is a very tough decision what you speak of. An "A" dad or no dad. You just have to do some real soul searching and figure out what is best for you and your kiddos.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Brief and to the point. Yes they are affected. They're little sponges and absorb everything. They may not show it now, but when they're grown, it will manifest itself in alcoholism, depression or a variety of emotional and physical problems. What to do, I can't say...I didn't do anything for our son. He's 25 and 3 months recovering.
Blessings.
Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 13
((((atdawn)))) I can relate!!! I too was so afraid of my AH hurting our kids when he would pick the up and I would freak out big time... I would take the kids away and hold them so he could not. I would teel him my fears and the fight would be on because in his eyes he was fine. I have stayed and wonder how much this way of life is affecting my kids 
I feel awful about it but am not ready to leave and with alanon I have noticed huge changes in all of us. The kids are sponges and notice more than we think! I have noticed this more now that my son is 5 and is begining to ask questions about his dads behavior and his health. My AH had a kind of awakening when our son started to ask these questions and he said to me that oh our son does know.. Its hard because I want their dad to be a DAD but he isn't the booze is what his life is about... So I can't tell you what to do but the more I am open about alanon and my understanding of this disease to my AH the more he is comming around and he is realizing that his problem is harmful to the kids and myself he know that I am considering leaving him and wants for the first time ever to change his ways.
Alanon is helpping and I hope that it can help you.
Sory I kind of hijacked your post
I feel awful about it but am not ready to leave and with alanon I have noticed huge changes in all of us. The kids are sponges and notice more than we think! I have noticed this more now that my son is 5 and is begining to ask questions about his dads behavior and his health. My AH had a kind of awakening when our son started to ask these questions and he said to me that oh our son does know.. Its hard because I want their dad to be a DAD but he isn't the booze is what his life is about... So I can't tell you what to do but the more I am open about alanon and my understanding of this disease to my AH the more he is comming around and he is realizing that his problem is harmful to the kids and myself he know that I am considering leaving him and wants for the first time ever to change his ways. Alanon is helpping and I hope that it can help you.
Sory I kind of hijacked your post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: here
Posts: 62
thanks all for sharing your views/stories, and big ((((hugs)))) to you all.
I guess if I knew it would get worse, I would leave. Hard to give up on those hopes though... Seems like it kind of needs to get worse to make us react...
I really need to start going to these alanon meetings... I seem to always chiken out ... do you take your kids along with you?
I guess if I knew it would get worse, I would leave. Hard to give up on those hopes though... Seems like it kind of needs to get worse to make us react...
I really need to start going to these alanon meetings... I seem to always chiken out ... do you take your kids along with you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 13
atdawn, where I am I can not take my kids but my AH does come home so I can go to my meetings but othe friends in the US do have places that allow you kids to come and have babysitting available. Just give your local alanon organization a call and they will look in to it for you. Or do a google search for you town to see if the have the meeting schedule available and it should say on there what they have available. Hope that you find something.
Best to you and your family
Best to you and your family
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by atdawn
I guess if I knew it would get worse, I would leave. Hard to give up on those hopes though... Seems like it kind of needs to get worse to make us react...
So, here I am 15 years later because I have a hard time giving up on those hopes too - and it has gotten way way way worse.
Originally Posted by atdawn
I really need to start going to these alanon meetings... I seem to always chiken out ... do you take your kids along with you?
- because you don't want to leave AH at home?
- because you don't want to "share" your problem?
- because you have heard they will say YOU have a problem?
- because you are afraid he will get upset, even though you would be doing this for YOU, not for him?
I have all those reasons and more. But, once you step out on faith and do it, I think you will find many benefits, and much more peace in your life.
Hoping you can find some peace soon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: austin tx
Posts: 24
How I would protect my son
I was never afraid my A would intentionally hurt my son but more that he would make a dumb decision and hurt him. I caught him and a friend trying to take my son (3 then) out to a carnival while I was sleeping. I told both of them that if I ever wake up and he was gone I would have them both arrested. I then started making my son go to bed with me on the weekends. It was the best way to keep him safe. One night I woke up to my son screaming because my husband had rolled over on him and would not wake up. I then started pushing my husband out of the bed ever time he got in drunk. He got the hint. I wake up after he has passed out to lock the doors, turn off the stove and what ever else. I wake up early on special occasions to make sure daddy will not be passed out in a bad place, like under the christmas tree, christmas morning. My son is 8 and while he knows daddy drinks alcohol he has not seemed to connect the dots to daddy is a drunk. He just believes dad falls asleep in weird places. My biggest fear has been when the time comes that my son will not want to sleep in my bed any more. That was one the reasons I told my husband he had to choose us or the alcohol. While he has been sober for 6 weeks now he has not decided to come home yet. Weather he would hurt our son on purpose or on accident really does not matter. It still amounts to my son being hurt and I was told that if a child is hurt by an alcoholic parent and the other parent knew there was a danger there that they could take the child away from the sober parent as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I left my Ah for this reason about 8 years ago. He picked them up from the babysitter drunk, drove them home and passed out. The sitter called me and told me she thought he had been drinking. I called home and no answer so I left work went home and our 3 yo son had tried to cut oranges, and then threw them all over the kitchen our 8 month old was in her crib with a messy diaper screaming, and he was passed out on the couch!!!
We are now back together. The kids pretty much don't have much to do with him. Sometimes he tries to play around with them when he's been drinking and when he does he plays way too rough, I have to tell him to leave them alone before he hurts them. He did the same thing to our dog, and she bit him, HA!
I guess all you can do is try to make sure he is not ever in a position to look after them without you there. To me it is like being a single parent sometimes of 3, sometimes of 4.
Mindi
t
We are now back together. The kids pretty much don't have much to do with him. Sometimes he tries to play around with them when he's been drinking and when he does he plays way too rough, I have to tell him to leave them alone before he hurts them. He did the same thing to our dog, and she bit him, HA!
I guess all you can do is try to make sure he is not ever in a position to look after them without you there. To me it is like being a single parent sometimes of 3, sometimes of 4.
Mindi
t
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