Just found out my dad has alcohol problem- advice please
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1
Just found out my dad has alcohol problem- advice please
Hi there... I am completely brand new to this site so please forgive me if I make any kind of newbie mistakes in my post...
I am looking for advice after finding out on the phone last night from my mom that my dad has problems with alcohol. I need to figure out how to confront this situation and this is TOTALLY new to me.
A little background... I am 30 years old and live a few hours away from my parents. They are empty nesters who are close to retirement. We are close and probably visit one another about once a month. I have not lived with them since I graduated from high school when I was 18.
My dad is a WONDERFUL person. He loves my mom, my brother and I, and is absolutely crazy about my wife and our 10 month old son. He would do anything for them.
Now I have always known my dad drank, but I never really understood the problems it was causing until last night. My mom came home unexpectedly and he was almost passed out drunk. She was upset and called and spilled her guts about the problems he has been having because of drinking that started maybe 10 years ago. I don't want to go into all of the details (if they are important I can elaborate), but he has had some negative consequences to his drinking that I was completely unaware of because my mom hid it from me until last night. (He has NEVER been abusive in any kind of way- he is an extremely sweet and caring man.)
To be honest, I think part of it might be some kind of battle with depression. He was never much more than a social drinker during my childhood, and apparently didn't start having real serious issues until my brother and I moved out of the house. I'm not an idiot, and I would have noticed if he was drunk all the time when I was a kid. I can't stress enough how wonderful he was to us as a family.
In fact, my mom mentioned about how things are always so much better when my brother or I come home to visit because he stops drinking. It's almost like he doesn't want us to be disappointed in him.
I promised that I would help, but don't know where to start. He is stubborn and I know that he will deny having a problem. But like I said, I also know that he would do anything for us. His dad died when I was 7 years old, and I barely remember him. Like I said, he has a grandson he is absolutely crazy about, and I want him to see how important it is that he improves his health.
Can anyone give me advice on how to get him to get help for himself?
Thank you so much, it's been a pretty long and sleepless night.
I am looking for advice after finding out on the phone last night from my mom that my dad has problems with alcohol. I need to figure out how to confront this situation and this is TOTALLY new to me.
A little background... I am 30 years old and live a few hours away from my parents. They are empty nesters who are close to retirement. We are close and probably visit one another about once a month. I have not lived with them since I graduated from high school when I was 18.
My dad is a WONDERFUL person. He loves my mom, my brother and I, and is absolutely crazy about my wife and our 10 month old son. He would do anything for them.
Now I have always known my dad drank, but I never really understood the problems it was causing until last night. My mom came home unexpectedly and he was almost passed out drunk. She was upset and called and spilled her guts about the problems he has been having because of drinking that started maybe 10 years ago. I don't want to go into all of the details (if they are important I can elaborate), but he has had some negative consequences to his drinking that I was completely unaware of because my mom hid it from me until last night. (He has NEVER been abusive in any kind of way- he is an extremely sweet and caring man.)
To be honest, I think part of it might be some kind of battle with depression. He was never much more than a social drinker during my childhood, and apparently didn't start having real serious issues until my brother and I moved out of the house. I'm not an idiot, and I would have noticed if he was drunk all the time when I was a kid. I can't stress enough how wonderful he was to us as a family.
In fact, my mom mentioned about how things are always so much better when my brother or I come home to visit because he stops drinking. It's almost like he doesn't want us to be disappointed in him.
I promised that I would help, but don't know where to start. He is stubborn and I know that he will deny having a problem. But like I said, I also know that he would do anything for us. His dad died when I was 7 years old, and I barely remember him. Like I said, he has a grandson he is absolutely crazy about, and I want him to see how important it is that he improves his health.
Can anyone give me advice on how to get him to get help for himself?
Thank you so much, it's been a pretty long and sleepless night.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
There are plenty of people who'll give you much more expert advice than me! But I'm going through the process (and have been for a while) of telling close friends about my husband, he's also a good man and not abusive.
I think your Mum talking to you is a sign she doesn't want to be alone with this - I always thinks actions are louder than words! She might be nervous about how you've taken it, she might worry if she should or shouldn't have said anything, she might feel relieved. Either way I can't help thinking phoning her back might be a really good start, maybe tell her about this place and share some of the responses you get.
Alcoholism can bring isolation and I think the truth is we need each other.
I think your Mum talking to you is a sign she doesn't want to be alone with this - I always thinks actions are louder than words! She might be nervous about how you've taken it, she might worry if she should or shouldn't have said anything, she might feel relieved. Either way I can't help thinking phoning her back might be a really good start, maybe tell her about this place and share some of the responses you get.
Alcoholism can bring isolation and I think the truth is we need each other.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Learn, learn all you can.
Your mother has revealed not only the truth about your dad but about herself as well. If he's had negative consequences and you were unaware, if he's been drinking for years and you were unaware then it's likely your mother has been codependent with him. Again, you need to learn all you can.
I agree with equus, reach out to her. She is probably second-guessing herself and needs to know your love for her and your father hasn't changed.
Did she have a specific request? Was she asking for help or had she just elected to no longer keep the secret? Did she also tell your brother?
There are many here with a great deal of knowledge, I'm sure as the day progresses they will offer their best advice and suggestions. Listen. Read. Reach out to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholic resources in your area.
Armed with knowledge perhaps the three of you (yourself, mom and bro) and brainstorm about your next step.
I'm glad you found your way here. I have gained much by visiting, I hope it's the same for you.
Your mother has revealed not only the truth about your dad but about herself as well. If he's had negative consequences and you were unaware, if he's been drinking for years and you were unaware then it's likely your mother has been codependent with him. Again, you need to learn all you can.
I agree with equus, reach out to her. She is probably second-guessing herself and needs to know your love for her and your father hasn't changed.
Did she have a specific request? Was she asking for help or had she just elected to no longer keep the secret? Did she also tell your brother?
There are many here with a great deal of knowledge, I'm sure as the day progresses they will offer their best advice and suggestions. Listen. Read. Reach out to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholic resources in your area.
Armed with knowledge perhaps the three of you (yourself, mom and bro) and brainstorm about your next step.
I'm glad you found your way here. I have gained much by visiting, I hope it's the same for you.
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Posts: n/a
Hi keeper,
Welcome to the forum.
I came to this forum because my son has a drinking problem. I was desperate to help him. It sounds like your mother is in that place too.
The information on this link helped me a lot.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
I would avoid confronting your father right now until you learn more about addiction. There are al-anon meetings with the purpose of helping family members understand addiction and what we can do to improve our lives when someone we love drinks. Maybe you could find one and attend with your mother.
Please also read the power posts while you are here. The link is on the top of this forum and the nar-anon forum.
Your father's recovery from alcohol will have to come from within him. There isn't a whole lot we can do from the outside.
So read what we have here and think about al-anon meetings and hopefully you will all gain a new understanding of alcoholism.
I very much love my son who is an alcoholic. It's safe to share here.
Hugs,
MG
Welcome to the forum.
I came to this forum because my son has a drinking problem. I was desperate to help him. It sounds like your mother is in that place too.
The information on this link helped me a lot.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
I would avoid confronting your father right now until you learn more about addiction. There are al-anon meetings with the purpose of helping family members understand addiction and what we can do to improve our lives when someone we love drinks. Maybe you could find one and attend with your mother.
Please also read the power posts while you are here. The link is on the top of this forum and the nar-anon forum.
Your father's recovery from alcohol will have to come from within him. There isn't a whole lot we can do from the outside.
So read what we have here and think about al-anon meetings and hopefully you will all gain a new understanding of alcoholism.
I very much love my son who is an alcoholic. It's safe to share here.
Hugs,
MG
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Keeper and welcome. 
You have asked the million dollar question: how to get him to get help for himself? If we knew that, none of us would be here. Unfortunately, your dad has to realize he has a problem and needs to seek help for himself. As much as he loves his family, he will not stop drinking for you, your mom, your brother, or anyone else.
I agree with the others that your mom is reaching out for support. You may suggest to her to start attending al-anon meetings, so she can be around others going through similiar circumstances. You can also talk with a counselor about having an intervention for your dad, if you think he is truly in denial about his drinking problem. But the best thing you and your mom can do is seek help for yourselves.
Take care and keep coming back,
JG
You have asked the million dollar question: how to get him to get help for himself? If we knew that, none of us would be here.
Unfortunately, your dad has to realize he has a problem and needs to seek help for himself. As much as he loves his family, he will not stop drinking for you, your mom, your brother, or anyone else.I agree with the others that your mom is reaching out for support. You may suggest to her to start attending al-anon meetings, so she can be around others going through similiar circumstances. You can also talk with a counselor about having an intervention for your dad, if you think he is truly in denial about his drinking problem. But the best thing you and your mom can do is seek help for yourselves.
Take care and keep coming back,
JG
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