jerinicholas

well my story is so far;

I am mid 30‘s married with two children ( twin boys)

My wife is an alcholholic, and if I am honest has been ever since we first met when I was 18.

We met at college where I fell in love with her because of her independence and wild spirit. needless to say she could drink. At college everyone did, as we progressed into professional life her partying started happening more frequently, until eventually every night she would get drunk and either pass out or just about make it to bed.

When she became pregnant she didnt stop drinking or smoking which alarmed me. Infact she began to drink more. when the boys did arrive this behaviour carried on .

She lost her driving license which was the start of the real decline and a whole chain of events followed till eventually she agreed to go into rehab. Looking back she only really did this for me and the boys, a fatal error as subsequently we all had 18 months of living with a dry drunk, which I think was worse then when she was drinking. (At least when she was drinking, other people could understand).

She had a relaspe having not gone to AA for a long time and thought she could drink socially! This quickly decended back to all day drinking and more madness.

At weekends I would sort the house and children out and then try and leave with the boys in the afternoon, hoping that when we were out she would get drunk and be asleep before we returned.

During the week when I worked, I would do my best to cover everything off before I left and try and leave early to be back to put everyone to bed, before my wife would be really drunk. Needless to say sex was used as a weapon in a lot of occasions and that has left a very deep emotional scar.

I learnt to detach by going to Alanon and reading the articles and books. She is now back in AA.

However I feel so lonely, so far my meetings are full of mothers, wives and other female partners, so I am still searching for a sponsor, so I can start my recovery - god knows I need it- as I felt so close to th edge on a number of occasions. I need to feel again and to be loved and accept love. detachment has left me exhausted!

would welcome any thoughts especially from anyone who is/has rebuilt a marriage/relationship!

best

Early on in my marriage I detached from things. Became tired of cleaning up after her and just left things so that she could see them in the morning.
Sober and with eyes opened as well as a hangover, she started to realize I was not going to be the clean up crew.
Lesson learned and growth from there on. Fast forward through the years... My having been the dry drunk and she put up with me all that time.
When I reach a point that I couldn't live with myself is when I started to seek a sober/recovered life.
Yes relationships do survive and can grow. This year will be 30 years and I can say with no doubts that the past 5 have been the best of them all.
Detaching where the other had to deal with the issues at hand for themself was a big key to my growth as well as her growth.
Take care of you and when she sees you can find peace in the storm of life, aside from her, she will want the same.

gelfling

Hi Jeri,

Good for you for still going to the meetings. We ladies love men at our meetings, so you should feel like a prince with his harem. Only kidding.

Go through the alanon directory and find other meetings. Mine has 3 guys and there's about 10 ladies. They at first felt uncomfortable because of the ratio, but we drew them in because it doesn't matter if you're a man or woman. You're there for the same purpose and that's learning recovery techniques.

At meetings, ask if there is anyone that might know someone who is sponsoring at the present time. That's what my son is doing.

Be kind to yourself. Love your babies and love yourself.

Blessings

cwohio

jeri - i absolutely feel the same way! you are not alone!!!

hugs - chris

nocellphone

When I first came to Al-Anon, it was pretty much a roomful of women... and me. I looked around and found a men's meeting, but I prefer meetings where both genders attend. In my area, more and more men are showing up in meetings.

For me, recovery began the very day I walked into a meeting. When I started working the Steps with a sponsor, it was simply the next stage in my recovery.

I had to begin by learning to accept and love myself, as corny as that sounds. Al-Anon helped me do exactly that.

Glad you're here!

Peace!

minnie

Hi Jeri

Welcome (again!) to SR! Sorry I'm a bit late getting to your thread - I am moving tomorrow and things are somewhat chaotic.

Have you read "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie? Might be worth getting a copy - I have found it immensely helpful.

Also, check out the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one. There's loads of useful info there.

And most importantly, keep coming back. It's a great place for help and support.

Love

Minnie
xx

jerinicholas

welll all I can say is thank you to you all,

so much encouragement is new to me and a little overwhelming; I have found a meeting with some more men in it and will go shortly.

I had a night off last night and went to see some old friends, as opposed to feeling constantly anxious, I felt remarkably calm, quiet and strangely centred. I didn‘t call home (a habit that I had developed to check to see how far gone my wife was).

managed to have a conversation that didn‘t involve alcholics, my wife or thw two together, which was a complete joy!

I must admit to having a lousy mothers day. My wife is now 6 weeks sober, but on that day I was filled with so much pent up anger ( I am not a violent men), and resentment I was totally unreasonable throughout the whole day - a real grump bear. Looking back I guess I resented the fact that my wife hadnt been the best of mums and why should she have a day to celebrate this. bad thinking on my behalf and a place I must move from.

Thank you again to everyone for the support - very much appreciated

best

Human thinking on your behalf and where you see it as a possible incorrect way of thinking....Clear thinking seems to have taken over.

Glad you had a good day. So nice seeing growth and peace come to others.

Magichappens

jerinicholas,
Glad that you are beginning to find some peace. Hugs, Magic

jerinicholas

Thanks again everyone,

my path seems to be ebr twisting and turning.

Its strange in a way, I used to play an instrument, the thing my music teacher would say was relax into playing and be gentle. never really understood that one until now, the more I let go the better life seems to be - things just seem to flow ( I guess I am no -longer obstructing them.

my wife is so angry at the moment - life seems so unfair to her. she is trying to take it out on me, but for the first time its not affecting me that much, I feel the pain from the brush offs and the put me downs, but it seems to vanish quickly.

the weather seems to be brightening up here, so will go for a walk with my sons. The world is always a better place from a hill.

one day at a time

queenofthehwy

Sounds like you are feeling a little better. Have a great time with your sons!!!

jerinicholas

well the weekend was better, took some time for myself and got a lot of the niggly jobs done, the ones that you always put off. felt much better for it.

I am finding sleep hard at the moment, I feel very tired and get to sleep quickly but keep on waking up in an anxious state.

otherwise life has calmed down into a becalmed state, not really sure what is going on.

j

Magichappens

Jeri,
Just a suggestion I thought of. When you go to your Al-Anon meeting, you might ask some of the members that have husbands in the program if you could get some contacts. I have heard of male Al-Anons getting an AA sponsor to work with, in conjunction with their spouse in Al-Anon. They seem to have a strong program. Since the steps are the same, it makes sense. I regularly attend AA meetings as well as Al-Anon. It has helped me to understand alcoholism and my own self.

Just an option you might want to consider. Hugs, Magic

jerinicholas

that you for that suggestion, never even considered it! I will ask at the next meeting which should be at the end of the week.

My parents have agreed to look after my boys for the weekend so that I can catch up on some sleep and generally be nice to myself. ie sleep mor e slepp and some healthy food and even some time to read!

thanks again

j

cwohio

jeri - that sounds like a wonderful weekend. enjoy!!!!

jerinicholas

thanks,

its a great strength ( newly discovered) to know you are all out there.
I look forwrad to the sun

jerinicholas

Its really starnge at the moment,

my wife seems to be doing much better than me, the sun shone at the weekend but I couldnt see it. To be honest I feel really low, tired and scared of everything.

every move I make seems wrong, I can’t open my mouth without saying something stupid. I do feel completely frozen.

a real rabbit caught in the headlights...

JessicaNAJ

Jeri - I'm sorry for your pain. I also felt that my AH was doing better than me when I started my recovery. I felt so alone and scared. I got to the point where I HAD to stop focusing on him and HOW I THOUGHT he was doing. For all I know, he could have been just as bad as me and hiding it behind his alcohol. Eventually, his true colors came through and I could tell he was just as messed up as I felt.

For me it was all about perception. I couldn't let what I perceived his feelings to be affect ME. I couldn't look to him to make me feel better. This is something I HAD to find within myself.

Al-Anon meetings and counseling and SR helped me so much. Have you read any books on Co-Dependancy? There is a great one by Melodie Beatie "Co-Dependant No More".

It took me a long time to start feeling good about myself, but the harder I worked at it, the easier it was.

It will get better and the sun will shine again.

((((())))

jerinicholas

jessica,

thank you so much for you kind words.

I do need to find out more about co-dependency, I am just starting to awaken to the fact that all my life I have looked to otheres for gratification and have always been at 6/7s with myself.

so a new journey will be starting for me.

I must admit to feeeling a little scared about life still and keep expecting all that has changed ( for the good) to come crashing down. I know I must change my mind set etc.

thanks again for the support

cwohio

jeri - change is scary but remaining in the same old ways that certainly aren't working for us is in the long run even scarier.

a bit at a time - can't change ourselves overnight. take it easy on yourself! ((()))