JessicaNAJ

Okay - I'm having a "whoa is me" moment.

I'm so tired of being lonely. I'm tired of waiting for a man I know is uncapable of showing any kind of compassion to change. I have no marriage. We don't even talk other than for little things. What am I waiting for?????

I mean, I know my AH loves me, and I think he wants to show me compassion, but as long as he's not working a program or seeking any kind of help toward recovery, he can't and won't.

SO, what am I waiting for ?? For him to change??? That's nuts, I know he's not going to. I know he's not the "man" for me. I've thought that for years, but kept hoping he'll change. I know he's not!! And I shouldn't have to coach him on how to be that person.

It's been over a year guys. I have no one at home to talk to, no one to give me that comforting hug, no one to hold me when I go to sleep, no one to tell me that they give a $h!t about anything. Other than my kids, I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to and I'm finding it harder to get up in the morning.

So what do I do, tell him again that I'm unhappy and tired of being lonely and something has to change or I'm going to move on??

I can be strong physically and emotionally. But when it comes to more personnal emotions, I'm stuck. Happiness has to come from within - that's the hard part.

ho hum..... I gotta snap out of this.

Thanks for listening.

sunshinebluesky

alot of times we hear people say happiness comes from within and you have to be happy yourself before anything or anyone else makes you happy. things are so complex...i wish people could comprehend that.
i dont think leaving in itself makes anyone HAPPY. i think it can relieve you of a tremendous pressue. of that stress that just silently tugs on your inner core. and im not talking about just an addict situation, any situation that you think about leaving.
then you leave, and its never a perfect situation there either.
it hard to be happy, feel great physically and emotionally when you are lonely and not even alone. or when someone is pulling you down slowly, invisibly with their whining or negativity, etc.........
hang in there, you will feel better..........and when it becomes too much....you will know exactly what to do if you listen to yourself.

cwohio

((jessica)) i know your pain - me too!

zoe

Hi Jess!!!
I used to find such enjoyment in the little things that my day would bring me. I could see all the beauty around me in nature. I have lost a great deal of that ability and I just hate it. I want to be me again and I am trying so hard to get that back. This is where my happiness comes from. My H was never able to share this joy with me and now I have been sucked dry from wanting to share this with my life partner. I expected him to be able to share this with me because I did not want be alone in my joy.
I truly hope we both can endure long enough to find our happy place again.
Zoe

wraybear

J - I feel your ho hum pain too. I feel like I know EXACTLY what you are saying and feeling. Ho Hum... Ho Hum... I don't want to live a Ho Hum life anymore!!!! And, I am the only one capable of changing my own Ho Hum life.

Yet, I WANT to have my husband back. Yet, I WANT to be happy with him. Yet, I don't know if that is possible. I don't know if i am capable of being happy with an active A or if I even have it in me to do so any longer. I WANT to have a happy RELATIONSHIP with my husband. Yes, a RELATIONSHIP with two of us working together.

Okay, enough about me... sorry about that. So glad you are coming here, where you can feel free to talk as much as you want! And to say what you mean. It is so nice to know someone knows and understands. I hope that is a little tiny itty bitty comfort to you.

Peace to you today!

JessicaNAJ

OK - Time to get off my rear, get a shower and I just might paint my room, finally.

Does anyone have some strings to pull me along?

minnie

No, but I have a shoulder to lean on.

Jess, I know it's tough. I know you are looking for someone to share your life with. Can I ask you a couple of questions?

Even if your H gets into recovery tomorrow, do you think that you'll get the relationship you want anytime soon?

Are you going to meet the person you deserve whilst you still have ties, emotional or legal, to your H?

I had to ask myself the same questions back in December before I left my A fiancé.

You've been going great - go easy on yourself.

Love

Minnie
xxx

JessicaNAJ

Forget that idea. The whole thought of moving everything out of the room just to paint it is just too overwhelming today.

I think I need to take a break - for me. I've been spending every minute either working or with my kids. Not to sound ungrateful, but I need a break. I've never chosen to do that before and I don't even know where to start. Everything is getting on my nerves. I can't even go to the bathroom or outside to smoke without them screaming at each other or coming in to say "Mommy...."

I'm going to pray to my HP for strength to pull out of this slum .....

JessicaNAJ

No, but it would make it easier to accept what he is capable of giving. Right now, I'm just toooo guarded.

I don't know.... What if I have and I'm letting that person slip through my fingers b/c I'm still with someone incapable of loving.

Thanks for the shoulder Minnie. I have to keep telling myself that "this too shall pass".

minnie

Oh, Jess. I know just what you mean about the effort of sorting the room out. I am moving a week today and I have boxes all over the place. Just looking at them wears me out.

If you think you need a break, then you definitely need a break. Is there anyone that can have the kids for a couple of hours so you can get a little me-time?

minnie

What your H is capable of giving is what he is giving right now. Anything else is just "what if"s. One thing I have learned in recovery is that I need to deal in reality, rather than what might happen in the future. We might see potential in our partners, but if they can't see it, or don't do anything about it, then there is nothing we can do to change it. We have to act on what we know.

Hang in there, hon. It WILL pass.

Love

Minnie
xxx

JessicaNAJ

You're right Minnie - He is capable of giving nothing. I should never second guess myself.!!!

ahcb

Jess,

I know i am a little late to this but dont beat yourself up for "needing a break". Any parent of little ones know that, yes, the cute little darlings drive you NUTS. If it is possible to have someone watch them for a few hours or perhaps there is a grandma in the picture that they can spend the night with so you can relax.

I guess my point is dont be hard on yourself. people are here to help, listen, and if needed, hold your hand.

JessicaNAJ

Thanks ahcb - My kids will only spend the night at few places (well, actually my daughter will stay anywhere, but my son won't) I asked my mom to keep them for the night, but she is dealing with her own personnal issues and don't have time to watch my kids. She's very supportive. (sarcasm)

I also asked a few of my friends to come sit with them for a while but they were too busy, I guess, because they didn't call me back.

Since no one was willing to help me get a little time out - I decided to take them to the park yesterday. They played and mom rested. It felt great.