Rose56

Good Morning. I want to tell you about last night. I had a church meeting after work and only had a few minutes to come home, eat dinner and get to the meeting. When I came home my husband was making my dinner and it was ready almost immediately. I have avoided asking him about his day since the last blow up, but he was acting angry and short. So I asked what was wrong? He said nothing and I said you seem to be angry. He said maybe it is because I am sexually frustrated. Then he want on about how long it has been since we last had sex. It has been about two weeks, one because I had a test done at the gyno office and I couldn't and also because my sister and her family was visiting etc. Also because I don't want to when he is drinking. So I made no comment, I told myself that it won't do any good to discuss it so I let it drop. When I was about to leave, he said I am going to the store do you need anything? I said no. So we both left. When I returned about an hour later he was not home yet. I knew he had gone to the bar instead of the store. He returned home about three hours after he said he was going to the store(and guess what with nothing from the store). I didn't say a word to him.

But here's what I want to talk about. Before he arrived home I had a strong desire to call his parents and tell them what he has been doing. He talks to them all the time and I know that they know he is in trouble and they are worried about him. But I felt like I wanted to be sure that I was not the only one that knew how bad he is, I felt like maybe they could get through to him. But I didn't call because I knew that I wouldn't want my husband to do the same to me if I was out of control. I also knew it probably wouldn't help. But I really wanted to. Then I told myself, its none of your business, its his life. Then I started thinking about what if he got into an accident while drinking and someone was badly hurt, would I feel responsible? What if I end up being responsible for his credit card bill even though it is in his name?

So here's my question, how can I take care of myself in this situation? I don't want to control him, I just want to limit how much what he does affects me. Does this make any sense? When I try to detach, then a voice in my head says but he can bring you way down into trouble, you have to protect against that. Is this voice right or is it my old thoughts trying to manipulate me?

Ann

Hi Rose

Chances are that his parents already know. Calling them would serve no useful purpose that I can see. Unless you just want to share with them or if they can offer any support for you.

Check the laws in your state about the credit card. Here in Ontario, I would be responsible for half my husbands credit, in some cases. But there is a notice I can post in newspapers or send to credit card companies, saying that I will no longer be responsible for his debts. Your lawyer can tell you how it applies there.

You are not responsible for any other actions taken by him.

My heart goes out to you. I wouldn't want sex under those conditions either. And you shouldn't feel guilty. Maybe if he would sit down and talk things through with you instead of hitting the bottle, it would help.

My prayers are with you. You are a terrific person who deserves so much better. And your recovery is giving you good instinctive reactions to your situation.

JT

Hi Rose,

I am not sure here what can do to legally protect yourself. What I wanted to say was that I don't think this is your old voice...I think this is your new recovery voice. You are willing to let him do his thing but your interest is in protecting you. Sounds like progress to me!

I am sure someone will be along with some ideas for you...have a great day!

Hugs,

JT

SerenityLodge

Wow, can I ever identify with your situation, Rose. I don't have a solution for you either. But, I can share that when circumstances occur, similar to what you describe, the BEST thing for me to do is to concentrate on me and detach from his behavior to the best of my ability. The thoughts you were having and the concerns you expressed are the same ones I've had and just the other day had a similar situation.

I can share that this time, my "A" came to me and said he needed to talk . . . . that he really wanted to drink and that he had had the urge for several days along with a deep depression. Of course, my immediate reaction inside my gut felt like an animal caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi-truck. I froze. Damn. But, I was able to say a little prayer and squeak out a response that was as none-judgmental as possible. We had a good little talk, but, I have to tell you that I was fearful for the rest of the day and the next day when I left the house for work, the only thing I could do was leave him in the hands of HP. I felt exactly what I should feel, I think . . . powerless . . . utterly powerless over the disease. I could not stop him if he drank.

He did not, but nothing I did stopped him. Perhaps what I didn't do was helpful . . . I didn't argue, shame, run, or any of the things my "natural" self wanted to do. I didn't cry, I didn't try to reason. I just shared what I could about my own recovery and tried to listen --- I mean, really listen, and not control his responses. It was very difficult not to get in there and start "suggesting" or give advice. And I had to let go of the outcome.

The horrible thoughts of what would happen if he started drinking again, kept popping into my head . . . I was able to say, and I think he heard it, that "I don't like you much when your drinking . . . you change and get really ugly and you hurt me and you damage things. I don't think I could go through that again, and more than that, I don't want to try." And I was able to say, "Do you think our relationship can afford another drinking spree . . . physically, emotionally OR financially?" But, I was also able to say that I knew these things would not keep him from taking a drink if he really wanted one bad enough, that the urge to drink would be more powerful than his love for me or us and that he could only sit on his hands and just not drink for so long before it become more powerful than him. I shared from my own experience on how that did not work for me and that "if" he was an alcoholic like me, he'd eventually either drink or find a Power Greater than alcohol . . .

My "A" has not gone to any AA meetings yet. He's still not given up the excuses . . . all of which we've all heard (and I used myself). But, he did make it through this urge with some degree of sanity. Still, I have to let it go, because I know that we have only today and that at any given moment, he (or I for that matter) could "take drunk".

AA saved my life, I know that. It's very difficult to sit back and observe him going through that process of coming to believe, like I had to. But, it's the only way, I think, it will work for him. I can't do it for him. He'll have to find what works for him, and that may not be AA. I continue struggle to keep on letting him go, turning it and him over to HP every moment. Although I have to tell you all that the struggle is not so difficult as it first was.

I have my Alanon meeting in an hour. <BIG GRIN>

Hugs.

Jon

Action Girl

Hello Rose,

I think that you should be proud of your self. It may not seem like it today or tomorw, but I believe that you are well on your way to answering your own questions.

In terms of myself, I KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, I just am having trouble DOING IT. I break up with him but then I keep listening to him and he keeps talking me into giving it another try. This happens weekly!

I know.... insanity.... no different results.....

I wanted also to support you on the sex issue. I actually got some comfort from Co-dependent No More when Beattie talked about the lack of "security and safe feelings" in an alcohol addicts family and how really no one would want to open themselves up under such circumstances.
That would be a "consequence" of HIS actions, not your problem really


Your sister in confusion,

Lynda

constant

Rose,

I think you've really touched on some issues that we all are dealing with or have dealt with. The sex issue has always been a huge one for me. I have slept on the couch many nights after being "kicked out" of our bed for refusing, but I stick to my guns about not performing when he has been drinking. However, I have also found that since I have been working on the detachment that even when he is not drinking that that has become more forced for me. My A has not admitted that he has a problem, and of course isn't seeking help. He just (for now) has quit hanging at the local bars. Maybe if he was seeking help that would make it easier.

I read where you mentioned your Church. That is something else I am critized for. I am accused of being a Holy Roller now. I teach at the Church Preschool and have become very involved at the Church.

I also worry about the reprocussions if he was to injure someone, but I haven't explored that avenue. I will be interested to know if there is anything that could be done to protect ourselves or if we're just left out there hanging.

Keep posting and working through it. We're gonna make it to the other side. I feel sure of it!!!

Constant