Alcohol: More important than anything else in the world
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Alcohol: More important than anything else in the world
As you all know, my boyfriend fell off the wagon last weekend. I was bracing myself for this but hoping it wouldn't happen. He had about six weeks sober and then he threw it away because I asked him if he could help me vacuum. I know that's not the real reason, that's the reason he gave himself.
While he was sober he was a joy to be around. He was happy and smiling, kind and caring, fun and humorous, responsible and engaged in life, and participating with the family. Now he is miserable, self-centered, distant, angry, and doing everything he can to isolate himself from the family. He's spending most all of his time alone in the bedroom watching TV and only coming out to have a smoke on the deck or grab something to eat.
I asked him to leave the night he got drunk and he promised to ask his former roommate if he could move back in with him the next day. He hasn't made any attempt to leave that I can see. So today, I called the sheriff's office and asked them what I needed to do to force him out of my home.
They said that I need to send him a certified letter telling him he was 30 days to get out. Then if he doesn't leave within that period, I should call the sheriff and have him escorted out. I hate to do that to someone I still love, but I think I'm going to have to do it. I just don't see any other way out of this.
Tomorrow, I'm going to work out a budget to determine if I can handle things financially on my own and if not, what I need to cut out to make ends meet. I may end up having to get a part-time job or selling my home. So I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few weeks.
In the meantime, he called his boss in a drunken stupor. So now she knows he's fallen off the wagon, too. He had been drinking heavily at work those last few weeks before he began AA, and she had covered for him.
Well, she called me on Tuesday morning and told me that she was headed over to his office to tell him that the next time he drank at work that he'd be escorted out by security and fired. She said she hated to do it because she considers him a friend and she knows her action will cause me financial hardship. I told her that it was my boyfriend's actions that would cause me financial hardship, not any action she was about to take and he certainly wasn't worth it to risk losing her job by covering up for him. I told her not to worry about what will happen about me and to do whatever she felt she had to do.
When I picked him up at work on Tuesday evening, I said, "how was your day?" He said, "busy, how was yours?" He still hasn't mentioned that conversation with me. So his deceitful ways and denial that he has a problem continue.
What a damn shame that alcohol is more important than a girlfriend, a daughter, a home, a job, friends, and beloved pets. In short, it's more important than anything else in the world.
While he was sober he was a joy to be around. He was happy and smiling, kind and caring, fun and humorous, responsible and engaged in life, and participating with the family. Now he is miserable, self-centered, distant, angry, and doing everything he can to isolate himself from the family. He's spending most all of his time alone in the bedroom watching TV and only coming out to have a smoke on the deck or grab something to eat.
I asked him to leave the night he got drunk and he promised to ask his former roommate if he could move back in with him the next day. He hasn't made any attempt to leave that I can see. So today, I called the sheriff's office and asked them what I needed to do to force him out of my home.
They said that I need to send him a certified letter telling him he was 30 days to get out. Then if he doesn't leave within that period, I should call the sheriff and have him escorted out. I hate to do that to someone I still love, but I think I'm going to have to do it. I just don't see any other way out of this.
Tomorrow, I'm going to work out a budget to determine if I can handle things financially on my own and if not, what I need to cut out to make ends meet. I may end up having to get a part-time job or selling my home. So I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few weeks.
In the meantime, he called his boss in a drunken stupor. So now she knows he's fallen off the wagon, too. He had been drinking heavily at work those last few weeks before he began AA, and she had covered for him.
Well, she called me on Tuesday morning and told me that she was headed over to his office to tell him that the next time he drank at work that he'd be escorted out by security and fired. She said she hated to do it because she considers him a friend and she knows her action will cause me financial hardship. I told her that it was my boyfriend's actions that would cause me financial hardship, not any action she was about to take and he certainly wasn't worth it to risk losing her job by covering up for him. I told her not to worry about what will happen about me and to do whatever she felt she had to do.
When I picked him up at work on Tuesday evening, I said, "how was your day?" He said, "busy, how was yours?" He still hasn't mentioned that conversation with me. So his deceitful ways and denial that he has a problem continue.
What a damn shame that alcohol is more important than a girlfriend, a daughter, a home, a job, friends, and beloved pets. In short, it's more important than anything else in the world.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
yep! you are so right. isn't it so sad that these wonderful people do this to themselves and those around them. i hate addiction. sounds like you have a plan. I know how hard this is, i just went through it. We love them so much, but at some point we have to face the insane situation and become sane again.
I hope your financial situation works out... i am also in the same boat, wondering if i should sell my home too. I have two different companies working on refinancing to see if that will help, but i just refinanced a little over a year ago, so it may not make much difference.
Anyway, take care... be good to yourself.
I still think some of us should all get together, buy a little town somewhere, of course near a beach where we could watch our children build sand castles, and all of us codies could live together helping each other! Yeah, run from the real world... hmmm, sounds good to me!
I hope your financial situation works out... i am also in the same boat, wondering if i should sell my home too. I have two different companies working on refinancing to see if that will help, but i just refinanced a little over a year ago, so it may not make much difference.
Anyway, take care... be good to yourself.
I still think some of us should all get together, buy a little town somewhere, of course near a beach where we could watch our children build sand castles, and all of us codies could live together helping each other! Yeah, run from the real world... hmmm, sounds good to me!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I've got the same problem with my AH's job
He told me FIVE days after his boss pulled him aside in the hallway to tell him that he needed to straighten up and go into the Employee Assistance program, or take the consequences of keeping his job solely on the basis of his performance (which isn't up to par). Anyway, I got only part of that story from my AH. So I called his boss because I knew he was lying to me.
Comes out that the boss did NOT pull my AH aside in the hallway. They had a private discussion in the boss's office. Bottom line: my AH reeks of alcohol some mornings, other project managers don't want to work with him, and he's not doing his job up to standards. In fact, according to the boss, my H was rambling on incoherently during a meeting last week and it got back to him from others who attended the meeting.
My AH complains he is overloaded with too many projects, too much stress, can't handle it all. Perhaps this is true. I asked him if he let his boss know this. He claims he did. His boss told me he's familiar with my H's work from the past and he was far better at what he did six years ago than what he is doing now, performance-wise.
So .... what goes down here??? My H gets drunk every night and dreads going to work. Meanwhile, his boss told me he gave my H the opportunity to go to the Employee Assistance Office where a counselor would get him into intensive counseling and detox. If my H agreed to that, he wouldn't be judged on his less-than-satisfactory job performance. He could save himself if he slipped up. But, nope. He didn't want that. He could fix this on his own without any outside help. So now his professional future and reputation rests on his performance alone because he refused the help offered.
Thank God I'm finally going to f-2-f Al-Anon meetings. It's the only way I could make it through this mess and have a "hands-off" policy while I watch my H totally trash his career. Basically, he's totally destroyed his professional reputation. I am SURE his job is stressful, but it would at least be manageable if he would (1) get the help his boss offered and (2) get into a detox program to stop drinking.
He won't work on his problems or addiction, so I have to rely on my various groups' support to keep me from tryng to make him see the light. Y'know what I've learned???? It doesn't matter if you scream the truth in their face ... they won't listen until they hit their own bottom.
What a burden off my back and a relief for me to finally have given myself permission to quit offering unsolicited advice!
Comes out that the boss did NOT pull my AH aside in the hallway. They had a private discussion in the boss's office. Bottom line: my AH reeks of alcohol some mornings, other project managers don't want to work with him, and he's not doing his job up to standards. In fact, according to the boss, my H was rambling on incoherently during a meeting last week and it got back to him from others who attended the meeting.
My AH complains he is overloaded with too many projects, too much stress, can't handle it all. Perhaps this is true. I asked him if he let his boss know this. He claims he did. His boss told me he's familiar with my H's work from the past and he was far better at what he did six years ago than what he is doing now, performance-wise.
So .... what goes down here??? My H gets drunk every night and dreads going to work. Meanwhile, his boss told me he gave my H the opportunity to go to the Employee Assistance Office where a counselor would get him into intensive counseling and detox. If my H agreed to that, he wouldn't be judged on his less-than-satisfactory job performance. He could save himself if he slipped up. But, nope. He didn't want that. He could fix this on his own without any outside help. So now his professional future and reputation rests on his performance alone because he refused the help offered.
Thank God I'm finally going to f-2-f Al-Anon meetings. It's the only way I could make it through this mess and have a "hands-off" policy while I watch my H totally trash his career. Basically, he's totally destroyed his professional reputation. I am SURE his job is stressful, but it would at least be manageable if he would (1) get the help his boss offered and (2) get into a detox program to stop drinking.
He won't work on his problems or addiction, so I have to rely on my various groups' support to keep me from tryng to make him see the light. Y'know what I've learned???? It doesn't matter if you scream the truth in their face ... they won't listen until they hit their own bottom.
What a burden off my back and a relief for me to finally have given myself permission to quit offering unsolicited advice!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
If we were to ask our A's which they would rather have... 1) a happy home, family, good job, the respect of their peers and co-workers, money in their pockets, food on the table, family vacations, security, good health, regular sex with their spouses... OR 2) fighting and bickering at home, unhappy children and spouse, no vacations, no sex, constantly broke, always feeling sick and tired, friends and co-workers avoiding you, no job, separation and divorce, facing financial ruin, homelessness and possibly death...
Now, I ask you... WHAT person in their right mind would choose option 2???? Yet time and time again, they do. Only when I look at it all in this way can I see how strong of a hold this disease has on this person. Pulling out of this sickness must be very, very difficult, because WHO in their right mind would choose option 2? I can't help but feel so sorry and sad for them and the struggle they face. For the rest of us, it's a no-brainer. We would choose option 1. We can't understand - can't begin to imagine why they would rather live in option 2.
I'm sorry for all of us who have to watch this torment. But I'm especially sorry for those who have to live it. But for the grace of God, go I.
Now, I ask you... WHAT person in their right mind would choose option 2???? Yet time and time again, they do. Only when I look at it all in this way can I see how strong of a hold this disease has on this person. Pulling out of this sickness must be very, very difficult, because WHO in their right mind would choose option 2? I can't help but feel so sorry and sad for them and the struggle they face. For the rest of us, it's a no-brainer. We would choose option 1. We can't understand - can't begin to imagine why they would rather live in option 2.
I'm sorry for all of us who have to watch this torment. But I'm especially sorry for those who have to live it. But for the grace of God, go I.
Last edited by hope2bhappy; 01-21-2005 at 12:23 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: to warm for snow
Posts: 8
that's why i keep realizing that alcohol is a very serious sickness. my AH has a beautiful family. our kids are healthy, smart, beautiful, and very loving. 2 boys and a girl. how can he choose alcohol over that? but he does. that is very sick indeed. for a healthy mind there would be no choice. and my AH has very loving, involved parents. he wasn't raised to be neglectful, irresponsible, and very selfish. i'm glad my choices are in my control. he's lost control of his choices, and they control him.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Wow we really are all in the same boat--all I can say is one step at a time--sounds
like you are taking the steps to take care of yourself and thats good. Here's me
praying for strength and encouragement for you. Smiles--Dee
like you are taking the steps to take care of yourself and thats good. Here's me
praying for strength and encouragement for you. Smiles--Dee
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I'm sorry for all of us who have to watch this torment. But I'm especially sorry for those who have to live it.
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