JessicaNAJ

I've decided to read Co-Dependant No More - AGAIN!!

I don't know if this rainy weather we've been having or some other impact Mother Nature is having on me, but I really feel like I need to re-focus on me.

Tomorrow my son is off school. I tried to call AH to see if I should wake the kids up, as usual or let them sleep in. He didn't answer. He has caller ID. He knows I called. So wait for him to call. 1 hour has gone by. I know he's not going to call back b/c he would have by now. I call back. No answer. Now I start to wonder, is he going to show up in the morning? another hour goes by, I call him again. Where the hell is he? DUH - you know the answer to this one!! I call him again. No answer. He better show up in the morning. He'll probably tell me he went to bed and turned his ringer off - SO, here I am. Typing my issues out again. If I can just get my mind off of this, I'll be okay. I'm a little ticked at myself b/c now his caller ID probably shows that I called 4 times. He'll come stumbling through the door, look at his phone and think, "Yeah, I still got her." Damn! Why did I do that?

I thought I was doing a good job of detaching, but not today(?)

I can't get past this "gotta know what he's doing" thing in my head. If he don't answer his phone, I call again. I know its insane for me to keep doing this to myself. So why do I keep doing it? Am I insecure, AM I afraid to be alone. Or am I still trying to prove myself right. Or am I still trying to control.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day.

Daffodil

Jessica, Some days are better than others. You are doing the right thing by putting the focus back on you and where you need to go WITH your life.

For most of us here, we have had to un-learn old behaviors and get with our own programs. Any time I am practicing something new I feel real uncomfortable.

Hugs!

FormerDoormat

Evening Jess:

So sorry you're struggling tonight. Don't be too hard on yourself, like Daffodil said, it takes time to unlearn behaviors we've practiced for years. You asked if it's a control thing...yep, I think so...and do you need to reread Codependent No More...naw, go easy on yourself. Well, maybe just the chapter on control. Well, maybe the chapter on letting go, too. Come to think of it, I think I'll revist those chapters myself tomorrow. Don't want you to suffer alone. My, how charitable of me!

Night. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

JessicaNAJ

Thanks for your support. AGAIN!!! It really does help me.

AH didn't show up to get the kids. I'm really not surprised. I kind of expected it. I even got out of the shower and told myself that he wasn't going to show up. (He has no money but its amazing how he always finds a way to get alcohol.) I said the Serenity Prayer. Its amazing how that helps. I was rushing to get the kids to the sitter, but I didn't get as worked up as I could have. (I have major anxiety problems and get myself all worked up sometimes, then I start directing it toward my kids.)

Today is going to be better, because today, I'm going to live for the minute. His actions will not affect me today.

HAILEY

JESSICA..YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL. WE ALL DO THE SAME THINGS AND IT DOES DRIVE US CRAZY TO WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE A IS DOING. I THINK IT PART OF OUR NATURE AS HUMANS FOR THINGS LIKE THIS TO GET TO US. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. MAYBE ONE DAY YOU WILL WAKE UP AND NOT CARE WHAT HE IS DOING & THAT HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE. WE EACH HAVE OUR OWN BREAKING POINT. SOME NEVER REACH A BREAKING POINT. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING AND THAT'S REALLY WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT. FOCUSING ON YOU AND KNOWING YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE AND ARE A GOOD PERSON.

cwohio

jessica - at least you've read the book once - i haven't even started it yet! you are doing marvelously!

Nica

Jessica:

You are a wonderful person. You care. I found this quote in a co-worker's office on Thursday: "Feeling my feelings is the most spititual thing I can do" Feeling my feelings is not the same as acting out my feelings. Feeling feelings is a return to spirituality.

You had a child with this person, and it's natural that you should be concerned what happens to him. You can care, but still not try to control it, or blame yourself. When you're in that sort of relationship, your identity gets caught up in the caretaker role. Once that role is removed (or once you remove it) it's hard to know what to do with yourself.

Think about the things you want to do for yourself that you were never able to do before. Get a manicure, take a long hot bath, go shopping at the mall with a girlfriend and not have to call home every 5 minutes, set out the good china and eat hamburgers off of it! It's the little things that really count and turn into the bigger themes in life. Know that you are never alone.

Nica

JessicaNAJ

I'm doing so marvelously that last night when I was getting yelled at by him on the phone because of how much I hurt him, he hung up on me. Three or four times. Each time he'd call me back. Whatever.... Anyway, he had me so mad, I had my neighbor come over to watch the kids. I was going to his house to punch him in the mouth for yelling at me and being so vulgar towards me. HE HAD ME SO MAD!

Well, that was the stupidest thing I think I've done yet. The whole way over there (a whole 3 minute drive) I kept telling myself to turn around. But I wouldn't listen. Why do I say this was stupid of me. Because I put myself in a very unhealthy situation. I put myself right where he wanted me. Right in front of his drunk @$$ where he can tell me to my face how much I'm hurting him and right where I can see him crying. Then everytime I'd tell him something he didn't want to hear, he'd tell me to get out. Then continued to verbally disrespect me. Why would I expect anything less? I couldn't leave either. He'd tell me to get out and I just stood there. He said he was going to call the police. He asked me for the number b/c I know it by heart. I told him to look it up and calmly said to him, "We're married, for all they know we both live here." He, of course didn't like how calm and quiet I was so he would get harsher and bade me more by telling more and more how much I hurt him. I kept repeating that it wasn't my fault, but he kept it up until I started crying. But I think I was crying for him. Not for me. He feels abandoned. Its really sad. He said, "I'm a man. You need to treat me like one." I told him he should act like one and quit being so irresponsible. I finally left after he said, "Get out. What are ya, stupid?" and I realized it was pretty stupid to stay there and allow myself to continue to get verbally beat up.

Why did I put myself through that? I can't quite figure it out. In the end i felt heartbroken. But it wasn't for me, it was for him. I felt sorry for him. I came home and cried. I felt helpless, alone, tired, used, but most of all SAD. My kids came in and hugged me and helped me feel better.

About 10 minutes after I calmed down and was watching tv with the kids, he came to my house (more drunk) and thought he could disrepect me here. I told him it was one thing for me to show up at his place and him disrespect me, but he was not going to come into my house and do it and he needed to leave. He called me a Stupid B and told me not to call him. Then sped off like a child. he called me a little later and asked if he could come over today to talk. I honestly can't remember if I answered that one or not. I was emotionally drained.

I called an attorney yesterday, $2000 for the retainer!

I know everything happens for a reason. I asked my HP to lead me down my path. I am willing to let what ever happens happen. Maybe I needed to be there last night so I could see one more time that things will never change - So I know I would be doing the right thing and a future with him will never be healthy.

He also kept telling me that what I'm learning from Al-Anon and this forum and my counselor was crap. I told him that I was working on making me mentally and emotionally stronger and that I cannot help him and I cannot control his drinking. He said that was crap. He thinks I can help him. He said, "I want Jessie back. Not this person who's been in her body this last year." He said he's been 'sucking my @$$ all year and not getting anything in return' - How rude was that? Now its my fault he's unhappy b/c I've been emotionally shut down towards him all year??

I'm sorry this was long, but I had to vent.

Dee at Mt Bully

Whew--that's a lot of stress--why do we do these things--I don't think that anyone
who comes to this sight hasn't done something equally as crazy. It's so hard to get past the crazy and I for one don't understand all of the emotions. I know I feel sad
for my AH and at the same time I'd like to kick his a--. For me some times it comes down to the fact that he promised me a marriage and he took it away. I don't think
of it like for better for worse etc.--I think of it more like--he promised to be my friend and my companion and lover and future and he threw all of that away because of
alcohol. I'm happier now on my own but sometimes I can't help but think of all those
things that he just trashed and I just come undone. So I guess I'm saying you are not
alone. Smiles--Dee

JessicaNAJ

I get so tired of feeling like S#!t because of what he says and how he reacts. My anxiety got the better of me. I never should have went over there. But - everything does happen for a reason.

I can only stay strong so long before he emotionally beats me down.

Now it's time I pick up the pieces and start building again.