Boyfriend just arrested for drunk driving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 3
Boyfriend just arrested for drunk driving
Last night, I got a call at 2:00am from the police asking me if I could come pick up my live-in boyfriend who had just been arrested for drunk driving. So, I woke my 6 year old up in the middle of the night and we went to get him.
I knew when we started our relationship that he is an alcoholic, and I knew that he drives drunk. So, I wasn't surprised to get that call. It was just a matter of when, I guess.
The friend that introduced us is a defense attorney, so this morning I called him and he said he would represent my boyfriend for free.
I don't have any real experience with alcoholism. What am I getting myself into? I keep kicking myself for this. On one hand, I sometimes feel like he is a complete loser, on the other I see a good person who tries to do the right thing but often makes bad choices. I don't know whether I'm with him because I have low self esteem and am afraid of being alone, or because he does have a lot to offer in a relationship. I feel very confused.
I don't want to be an enabler, and I understand that he has to face the consequences. He is going to jail - it's a mandatory sentence here. I probably shouldn't have picked him up at the police station and I probably shouldn't have called my friend to represent him. I drove him to his gig tonight (where I know he'll be drinking again but at least not driving - the car is in impound) reasoning that it is his only source of income - he's a musician. I probably shouldn't have done that either.
I've never yelled at him for his drinking, or cried. This morning, I just acted like nothing had happened. I know he feels embarrased and scared and stupid. But, how do you get the strength to say no and tell your alcoholic to reap what he sows?
I knew when we started our relationship that he is an alcoholic, and I knew that he drives drunk. So, I wasn't surprised to get that call. It was just a matter of when, I guess.
The friend that introduced us is a defense attorney, so this morning I called him and he said he would represent my boyfriend for free.
I don't have any real experience with alcoholism. What am I getting myself into? I keep kicking myself for this. On one hand, I sometimes feel like he is a complete loser, on the other I see a good person who tries to do the right thing but often makes bad choices. I don't know whether I'm with him because I have low self esteem and am afraid of being alone, or because he does have a lot to offer in a relationship. I feel very confused.
I don't want to be an enabler, and I understand that he has to face the consequences. He is going to jail - it's a mandatory sentence here. I probably shouldn't have picked him up at the police station and I probably shouldn't have called my friend to represent him. I drove him to his gig tonight (where I know he'll be drinking again but at least not driving - the car is in impound) reasoning that it is his only source of income - he's a musician. I probably shouldn't have done that either.
I've never yelled at him for his drinking, or cried. This morning, I just acted like nothing had happened. I know he feels embarrased and scared and stupid. But, how do you get the strength to say no and tell your alcoholic to reap what he sows?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
For someone who is new at this, you seem to have a pretty good handle on the disease and what it means to be involved with someone who is addicted. Most newbies want to know how they can get their boyfriend to stop drinking. Your question is solely for yourself and your own benefit - so, you're already a step ahead. Gaining the strength you seek takes a lot of practice and some courage. Read some of the other posts on this forum, and you will learn a great deal. You will learn how to take care of yourself and your child first. You have come to the right place, and I welcome you.
I think you handled your situation well this morning. You probably went a little farther than you should have gone in helping him clean up his mess, but you can't be faulted this early in the game. You will learn how to detach (with love) from him and his problems.
I think you handled your situation well this morning. You probably went a little farther than you should have gone in helping him clean up his mess, but you can't be faulted this early in the game. You will learn how to detach (with love) from him and his problems.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
On one hand, I sometimes feel like he is a complete loser, on the other I see a good person who tries to do the right thing but often makes bad choices.
Stick around this forum for a while and you'll learn how to handle situations like this in a healthier manner in the future. Keep posting questions and expressing your feelings, read the stickys at the top of the forum, get yourself copies of Melody Beatty's "Codependent No More" and "Learning to Let Go," and join an Alanon group in your area. You can't solve your boyfriend's problems or cure his disease, but you can work on yourself.
You're among friends here. Friends who have endured similar situations and understand your situation and concerns. A warm welcome and hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am glad he got arrested, that may have prevented injuries and deaths.
Cold, no, not really, just realistic. You would have hated it much worse if the call was about death, crashes, more death and injuries.
Now, sorry I am like this....flip and upfront, not sorry, just don't be offended.
Please hit the power posts and stickies at the top of the forums and learn all you can.
Be a voyeur and go to Al-anon meetings, I didn't encounter alcoholism, didn't have a clue until I was like 40 or something....I learned about hell, and I became hell. And all the time I meant well.
Keep coming back!
You will find a wealth of support, love, friendship, education, experience, strength and wisdom with you new friends.
Who have been there...and back.
live
Cold, no, not really, just realistic. You would have hated it much worse if the call was about death, crashes, more death and injuries.
Now, sorry I am like this....flip and upfront, not sorry, just don't be offended.
Please hit the power posts and stickies at the top of the forums and learn all you can.
Be a voyeur and go to Al-anon meetings, I didn't encounter alcoholism, didn't have a clue until I was like 40 or something....I learned about hell, and I became hell. And all the time I meant well.
Keep coming back!
You will find a wealth of support, love, friendship, education, experience, strength and wisdom with you new friends.
Who have been there...and back.
live
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Looks like you are getting really good advice here. Don't question your decisions to
much or be hard on yourself. If you stay with your AB there will be a lot more chances
to make the right or wrong choice. The most important thing is to put yourself first.
You will get a lot of encouragement here and many reminders of how important you
are.Keep in touch. Welcome and smiles--Dee
much or be hard on yourself. If you stay with your AB there will be a lot more chances
to make the right or wrong choice. The most important thing is to put yourself first.
You will get a lot of encouragement here and many reminders of how important you
are.Keep in touch. Welcome and smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Nimue,
And now for a different opinion. While it is good that your are non judgemental and honestly you sound very nice as do most people here. Please ask yourself this..."Is staying with him (assuming he does not get sober) going to have a negative effect on my child, no matter how I deal with it?"
I read from the other post that you should do the following..."The most important thing is to put yourself first" or
" but you can't be faulted this early in the game. You will learn how to detach (with love) from him and his problems.
or "Read some of the other posts on this forum, and you will learn a great deal. You will learn how to take care of yourself and your child first."
That above is the best information...BUT why is it that no one here with the exception of one said anything about the six year old child?? You said yourself that you "pretend like nothing happened". Why?
You said "i knew he was an alcoholic" May I ask did you have a child then? If so why would you "start" a relationship.
I understand that I probably dont say the most board correct things and perhaps it is being a male and not a female dealing with this that colors my perceptions but I really really really do not understand some of this advice.
My advice or comments would be this...If you want your child to see mommy bailing out her boyfriend ( is he the dad, if not in my mind, this is 100 times worse) stay. Your child will learn its ok to be a drunk because you will have someone bail you out and pretend like it nothing happened.
In my mind YOU are not the most important person involved , sorry ladies i disagree. This should not be about her.It is about the child, that only one of you mentioned. You may in time learn to deal with it but do not believe for a second, that a 6 year old learns. It screws them up...If you want to do that, because if he doesnt quit and you stay together it will, fine stay..
I will assume that this is his first arrest but not first time DUI. It is fortunate he hasnt killed someone.
Anyways my advice is to tell him to stop or get out...simple..not politically correct..but do you want to do this for a gazillion more years.? Why must you learn to deal with it or to detach yourself at the expense of your child...
Honestly i mean you no harm, disrespect, or hurt. The advice from these folks is wise advice, however in my mind, it is wise advice for YOU. It is horrible, horrile advice for the child...Protect the child.....not your boyfriend...
And now for a different opinion. While it is good that your are non judgemental and honestly you sound very nice as do most people here. Please ask yourself this..."Is staying with him (assuming he does not get sober) going to have a negative effect on my child, no matter how I deal with it?"
I read from the other post that you should do the following..."The most important thing is to put yourself first" or
" but you can't be faulted this early in the game. You will learn how to detach (with love) from him and his problems.
or "Read some of the other posts on this forum, and you will learn a great deal. You will learn how to take care of yourself and your child first."
That above is the best information...BUT why is it that no one here with the exception of one said anything about the six year old child?? You said yourself that you "pretend like nothing happened". Why?
You said "i knew he was an alcoholic" May I ask did you have a child then? If so why would you "start" a relationship.
I understand that I probably dont say the most board correct things and perhaps it is being a male and not a female dealing with this that colors my perceptions but I really really really do not understand some of this advice.
My advice or comments would be this...If you want your child to see mommy bailing out her boyfriend ( is he the dad, if not in my mind, this is 100 times worse) stay. Your child will learn its ok to be a drunk because you will have someone bail you out and pretend like it nothing happened.
In my mind YOU are not the most important person involved , sorry ladies i disagree. This should not be about her.It is about the child, that only one of you mentioned. You may in time learn to deal with it but do not believe for a second, that a 6 year old learns. It screws them up...If you want to do that, because if he doesnt quit and you stay together it will, fine stay..
I will assume that this is his first arrest but not first time DUI. It is fortunate he hasnt killed someone.
Anyways my advice is to tell him to stop or get out...simple..not politically correct..but do you want to do this for a gazillion more years.? Why must you learn to deal with it or to detach yourself at the expense of your child...
Honestly i mean you no harm, disrespect, or hurt. The advice from these folks is wise advice, however in my mind, it is wise advice for YOU. It is horrible, horrile advice for the child...Protect the child.....not your boyfriend...
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
nimue,
you say "I don't have any real experience with alcoholism. What am I getting myself into? ... I see a good person who tries to do the right thing but often makes bad choices"
All of our A's were/are good people, that's why we married them. However, Alcoholism is progressive and gets worse over time if they don't recover. The loser behavior becomes 80% to 100% while the "good person" behaviour becomes 0%-20%. This may be just the beginning of his (and your) troubles. I do agree with many above that you need to think of your child first. It is very easy for us to rationalize and defend our A's behavior, but if you can step back and try to put your emotions aside for a moment, and look at it objectively, ask yourself, if this was your best friend in this situation or your sister and your niece, what would you do? And then remember YOU are the only one that can make changes for yourself and your daughter.
Once again, I don't know why I continue to give people advice on these boards. It is ridiculous for me to do so, so feel free to take what I say in one ear and out the other.
ahcb,
i haven't gone back and read your posts, but i feel like i remember you have been married quite a long time. And your teen son was suicidal if I remember correctly and that was the starting point of your wife's recovery. I really enjoy reading your posts as you do have a "tell it like it is" style, which in many cases, is much needed.
Wondering though, if you could share your story from a male perspective.
How did you live with it all those years prior to your son's incident?
Did your wife not do the things most of our husbands have done?
Are there really differences in male alcoholism vs. female?
I wonder at times if because you had a wife and not a husband if that made it more tolerable?
I am really not being fesicous, just very curious - and am hoping that some of your experiences with your A and how you dealt with them can help some of us.
I know this is not the appropriate post for you to reply, but maybe you could start a new thread and title it something like "life with a female A" and maybe include some of the situations that arose and how you dealt with them.
you say "I don't have any real experience with alcoholism. What am I getting myself into? ... I see a good person who tries to do the right thing but often makes bad choices"
All of our A's were/are good people, that's why we married them. However, Alcoholism is progressive and gets worse over time if they don't recover. The loser behavior becomes 80% to 100% while the "good person" behaviour becomes 0%-20%. This may be just the beginning of his (and your) troubles. I do agree with many above that you need to think of your child first. It is very easy for us to rationalize and defend our A's behavior, but if you can step back and try to put your emotions aside for a moment, and look at it objectively, ask yourself, if this was your best friend in this situation or your sister and your niece, what would you do? And then remember YOU are the only one that can make changes for yourself and your daughter.
Once again, I don't know why I continue to give people advice on these boards. It is ridiculous for me to do so, so feel free to take what I say in one ear and out the other.
ahcb,
i haven't gone back and read your posts, but i feel like i remember you have been married quite a long time. And your teen son was suicidal if I remember correctly and that was the starting point of your wife's recovery. I really enjoy reading your posts as you do have a "tell it like it is" style, which in many cases, is much needed.
Wondering though, if you could share your story from a male perspective.
How did you live with it all those years prior to your son's incident?
Did your wife not do the things most of our husbands have done?
Are there really differences in male alcoholism vs. female?
I wonder at times if because you had a wife and not a husband if that made it more tolerable?
I am really not being fesicous, just very curious - and am hoping that some of your experiences with your A and how you dealt with them can help some of us.
I know this is not the appropriate post for you to reply, but maybe you could start a new thread and title it something like "life with a female A" and maybe include some of the situations that arose and how you dealt with them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
My AH is a musician too- he sometimes plays the bars (great place for an alcoholic), I also knew when I met and married my AH that he had a problem- but I had NOOO idea how bad it can get. I have an 8yr old- I too have dragged him up in the night to pick up a drunk- I wish I could tell you things will get better, that he will see the error of his ways and change... but what I really think I should be telling you is RUN.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
ahcb is right about the child, of course. Absolutely. I agree 100%. I just didn't mention it because it usually seems that the woman has to get her head straight first in order to be able to think best and see most clearly in order to act in the best interest of the child, which is to protect the innocent from this sick and damaging life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Wrybear (and anyone who is interested)
I got your pm and since you also posted it here I will answer you here. While I will not attempt to speak for all men who have a wife dealing with this problem I will offer some of my experiences and what i see the differences to be.
You are right about the start of her recovery. It was after my son who was 15 at the time attempted to hurt himself. I say hurt because the docs still disagree how serious an attempt it was. ( I think any is damm serious) It was a low point for us all. My issues were around the thought of "did i screw them up by staying married". We had a doc talk to us and she simply said we have an 800 lb elephant in the room that no one is talking about. The drinking.. When he called and said that he believed he may not be able to come home until she stopped, it was decision time. We checked her into a spot that day and she spent roughly a month. A few days detoxing and 3 weeks in a half way house. I am happy to say that my son is doing alot better. A few issues were not related to drinking, he has had help on that and he has the best grades he has ever had. Its not perfect, we are still dealing with left over legal issues( he had a very short life of crime..he was /is no good at that thank god) All and all he is making steady progress and should be fine. My wife has been sober 14 months. I have never been prouder and i know it has not been easy. It is not perfect. Her sex drive went to zero. (if that sounds selfish, it is.but It is the truth) I hate that. Nothing like having a woman with a few drinks in her to let loose her inhibitions. Actually, I have hope that will change and the last thing she needed was me to be whining about that. I would say i havent but I know you will know im lieing. But Ill become celibate permanetly if that is what it takes. (lets all pray that isnt what it takes)
My situation in the begining was like alot of yours. We drank together. I just thought that she "could really keep up". I know alcoholics and I did not belive for a second she had "a problem"/ Like to drink yes. A problem, no. When we got married I had a 3 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I was a widower at 26. My wife having succumbed to cancer at 25. I would not have put my daughter into a relationship that I believed was bad. It would not have mattered how much I loved her. I just would not have done it. I dont want to appear hard to anyone but hearing about kids or people with kids knowingly getting into a relationship with an alcoholic drives me nuts. Its is a progressive disease. It does not get better unless they stop. I consider that selfish.
Are there differences between a male and female alcoholic spouse. Based on what i read about your experiences I say yes. Honestly, I dont know how you woman do it. That is a compliment. You have far more strength than i imagined was possible for a person to have. Some of the men I hear described just sound mean and nasty. Now my wifeand I had our moments arguing, name calling, etc. That is universal in these type of relationships. I just dont believe woman alcoholics are that "in you face about it". Being a man I feel comfortable saying most of us are jerks... "If you gonna yell about my drinking..damm you..I can do what I want...your my wife not my mother"..etc I read in a post someone said they felt most alcoholic woman drink at home and I believe it. That is not to say some arent out as much as your husbands but i feel most probably are not. Appearence are important, I think f alcoholics are more aware of them than men. Just my opinion. A few other things I believe since hanging out here with you ladies...(and the few brave men)
Men are less likely to admit they have a problem so that keeps them out of treatment while I believe woman are more scared of failing and that keeps them out. The end result is the same but two very different trains of thought.
I think woman feel more shame than men about it. Why i dont know. It is a disease and no shame for anyone should be involved but it is. ANother difference is the husbands of alcoholics are less likely to talk about it in groups like alanon etc. I am not knocking those groups but i dont agree with everything they put forth. I belive the talk of detachment etc is wonderful in theory but not practible. How do you detach if your spouse (if your a wife) is bitching about a lack of dinner, sex, and screaming about himself not having a problem etc all while drunk.
How can I "detach" when you see your kids embarrassed to bring friends over at night (and they dont) because moms drunk. It may work for you and perhaps for most but not me.
I think woman A, will try to do the mom thing more often to make up for the drunk part, and I believe men become less of a father and have less a role the more they drink.
Why did i stay? One, because i love her. Two was her drinking 75% of the time was done in a way that hurt her. SHe would sit and drink, then bed early. She has a great paying job and was very functional a s alot of A's are. I felt that leaving and taking the kids would kill her, but to leave her with them was not going to happen. I couldnt. How could I "get out" but leave the kids home...
It is a tough situation. Honestly the one thing that bugs me about your B/F and husbands is this..Though I have one now, I would have given my right arm for a sober wife. TO see some of the stuff you go through drives me nuts. You deserve better. For the most part you all sound like loving woman who just want a sober husband/bf. I honsetly get pissed at them. In thier state they have no idea of how little you are asking of them, and how much they get in return. they are giving a dime and getting a dollar. I know it is a disease, i know it is difficult to stop. But they fail to see (not all) the gift that is being offered. The love of a woman, a happy peaceful home. Sometimes I feel that a lot of you think this is "what i deserve". (my opinion, be gentle) and it is not, you deserve more, just as i did. I want to shake these husbands and bf and say "there are men who will die rather than hurt your wife/gf. Who will treat them the way they deserve to be treated".
Anyways that is a few differences i notice. How accurate, who knows..Wrybear, if that answers anything im glad. Honest folks if my opinion sometimes seems off or my tone harsh, im sorry. Not for my opinion, but the manner in which i sometmes can deliver it. But pleases remember this. I have nothing but the utmost respect and best wishes for everyone on this board. If anyone cares to chat here feel free to respond or PM me....goodnight.......aj
I got your pm and since you also posted it here I will answer you here. While I will not attempt to speak for all men who have a wife dealing with this problem I will offer some of my experiences and what i see the differences to be.
You are right about the start of her recovery. It was after my son who was 15 at the time attempted to hurt himself. I say hurt because the docs still disagree how serious an attempt it was. ( I think any is damm serious) It was a low point for us all. My issues were around the thought of "did i screw them up by staying married". We had a doc talk to us and she simply said we have an 800 lb elephant in the room that no one is talking about. The drinking.. When he called and said that he believed he may not be able to come home until she stopped, it was decision time. We checked her into a spot that day and she spent roughly a month. A few days detoxing and 3 weeks in a half way house. I am happy to say that my son is doing alot better. A few issues were not related to drinking, he has had help on that and he has the best grades he has ever had. Its not perfect, we are still dealing with left over legal issues( he had a very short life of crime..he was /is no good at that thank god) All and all he is making steady progress and should be fine. My wife has been sober 14 months. I have never been prouder and i know it has not been easy. It is not perfect. Her sex drive went to zero. (if that sounds selfish, it is.but It is the truth) I hate that. Nothing like having a woman with a few drinks in her to let loose her inhibitions. Actually, I have hope that will change and the last thing she needed was me to be whining about that. I would say i havent but I know you will know im lieing. But Ill become celibate permanetly if that is what it takes. (lets all pray that isnt what it takes)
My situation in the begining was like alot of yours. We drank together. I just thought that she "could really keep up". I know alcoholics and I did not belive for a second she had "a problem"/ Like to drink yes. A problem, no. When we got married I had a 3 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I was a widower at 26. My wife having succumbed to cancer at 25. I would not have put my daughter into a relationship that I believed was bad. It would not have mattered how much I loved her. I just would not have done it. I dont want to appear hard to anyone but hearing about kids or people with kids knowingly getting into a relationship with an alcoholic drives me nuts. Its is a progressive disease. It does not get better unless they stop. I consider that selfish.
Are there differences between a male and female alcoholic spouse. Based on what i read about your experiences I say yes. Honestly, I dont know how you woman do it. That is a compliment. You have far more strength than i imagined was possible for a person to have. Some of the men I hear described just sound mean and nasty. Now my wifeand I had our moments arguing, name calling, etc. That is universal in these type of relationships. I just dont believe woman alcoholics are that "in you face about it". Being a man I feel comfortable saying most of us are jerks... "If you gonna yell about my drinking..damm you..I can do what I want...your my wife not my mother"..etc I read in a post someone said they felt most alcoholic woman drink at home and I believe it. That is not to say some arent out as much as your husbands but i feel most probably are not. Appearence are important, I think f alcoholics are more aware of them than men. Just my opinion. A few other things I believe since hanging out here with you ladies...(and the few brave men)
Men are less likely to admit they have a problem so that keeps them out of treatment while I believe woman are more scared of failing and that keeps them out. The end result is the same but two very different trains of thought.
I think woman feel more shame than men about it. Why i dont know. It is a disease and no shame for anyone should be involved but it is. ANother difference is the husbands of alcoholics are less likely to talk about it in groups like alanon etc. I am not knocking those groups but i dont agree with everything they put forth. I belive the talk of detachment etc is wonderful in theory but not practible. How do you detach if your spouse (if your a wife) is bitching about a lack of dinner, sex, and screaming about himself not having a problem etc all while drunk.
How can I "detach" when you see your kids embarrassed to bring friends over at night (and they dont) because moms drunk. It may work for you and perhaps for most but not me.
I think woman A, will try to do the mom thing more often to make up for the drunk part, and I believe men become less of a father and have less a role the more they drink.
Why did i stay? One, because i love her. Two was her drinking 75% of the time was done in a way that hurt her. SHe would sit and drink, then bed early. She has a great paying job and was very functional a s alot of A's are. I felt that leaving and taking the kids would kill her, but to leave her with them was not going to happen. I couldnt. How could I "get out" but leave the kids home...
It is a tough situation. Honestly the one thing that bugs me about your B/F and husbands is this..Though I have one now, I would have given my right arm for a sober wife. TO see some of the stuff you go through drives me nuts. You deserve better. For the most part you all sound like loving woman who just want a sober husband/bf. I honsetly get pissed at them. In thier state they have no idea of how little you are asking of them, and how much they get in return. they are giving a dime and getting a dollar. I know it is a disease, i know it is difficult to stop. But they fail to see (not all) the gift that is being offered. The love of a woman, a happy peaceful home. Sometimes I feel that a lot of you think this is "what i deserve". (my opinion, be gentle) and it is not, you deserve more, just as i did. I want to shake these husbands and bf and say "there are men who will die rather than hurt your wife/gf. Who will treat them the way they deserve to be treated".
Anyways that is a few differences i notice. How accurate, who knows..Wrybear, if that answers anything im glad. Honest folks if my opinion sometimes seems off or my tone harsh, im sorry. Not for my opinion, but the manner in which i sometmes can deliver it. But pleases remember this. I have nothing but the utmost respect and best wishes for everyone on this board. If anyone cares to chat here feel free to respond or PM me....goodnight.......aj
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am hesitant as I write this, feeling it may be out of place, but I left my abusive, alcoholic love....and 2 years, more or less, later began dating a man. I had all my walls up. We dated for a year. And it wasn't until I had oh so casually left and gone on with my single life and took off for a different country, that a few weeks later, I realized what a jewel he was, what his values and nature is. I fell in love with him. The walls fell. And even now, I do get the feelings, had them today, that he is too good to me, I am not worth, do not deserve so much good. He is better than I am. And I am realizing how very hard it is for me learning to be in a relationship where I am always respected, loved and treated with nothing but compassion, understanding and kindness.
I thank you for your reply here. It helped me see what I do have to offer. Which is a lot of love, peace, compassion, faithfulness, devotion, and a willingness to do my utmost, as he does, for the both of us.
I thank you for your reply here. It helped me see what I do have to offer. Which is a lot of love, peace, compassion, faithfulness, devotion, and a willingness to do my utmost, as he does, for the both of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 3
Thanks for all your responses. I am concerned about my 6 year old daughter. She is very smart and aware. I explained to her what the AB did, why it was wrong, and what is going to happen to him. I told her he made a bad choice and has to face the consequences. And, I also told her that no matter what happens to him, our lives won't change. We'll still have our home, friends, her school, etc. She was angry at the AB, but also felt a bit sorry for him (she picked up on his guilt/shame). I told her I felt the same way.
Is it possible to shield her from this in a healthy way, or is there no hope?
Oh, and I drove AB to his gig on Saturday and picked him up afterwards. He, of course, had been drinking when I picked him up.
I've always, my whole life, been the designated driver. I've always felt that I'm the only one I can trust to get me home safe when I go out. I always have to be the responsible one no matter which friendship group I'm with. I guess I'm a pessimist and expect the worst. I figure if I were to ever drive drunk, I'd get caught immediately, and I'm not willing to face those kind of consequences. I have too much to lose. I get tired of always being the responsible one sometimes, though.
Is it possible to shield her from this in a healthy way, or is there no hope?
Oh, and I drove AB to his gig on Saturday and picked him up afterwards. He, of course, had been drinking when I picked him up.
I've always, my whole life, been the designated driver. I've always felt that I'm the only one I can trust to get me home safe when I go out. I always have to be the responsible one no matter which friendship group I'm with. I guess I'm a pessimist and expect the worst. I figure if I were to ever drive drunk, I'd get caught immediately, and I'm not willing to face those kind of consequences. I have too much to lose. I get tired of always being the responsible one sometimes, though.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lafayette Louisiana
Posts: 15
No,you cannot protect your daughter, nor should you have to. And yes, your living with this person is having an adverse effect on her. It will mainifest itself, not now but several years from now.
Run and I mean run from the "relationship." Just read the many other posts here. What makes you think your alcoholic is different from the others?
Run and I mean run from the "relationship." Just read the many other posts here. What makes you think your alcoholic is different from the others?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Nimue5000,
You can hope to minimize the adverse events, but she will feel them. There is no way to protect against it. Also, dont tell her your lives wont change because trhere is no one here liviing with an alcoholic whose lives, and chlidrens lives who have not had thier life changed....If you want to see him..fine you are an adult...but do not live with him. Home should always be a place your kids feel the safest. (I would actually vote for the "run" way of handleing it. You deserve better)
You can hope to minimize the adverse events, but she will feel them. There is no way to protect against it. Also, dont tell her your lives wont change because trhere is no one here liviing with an alcoholic whose lives, and chlidrens lives who have not had thier life changed....If you want to see him..fine you are an adult...but do not live with him. Home should always be a place your kids feel the safest. (I would actually vote for the "run" way of handleing it. You deserve better)
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
ahcb is really laying it on the line. Your daughter is already learning about his negative
behavior and the disruption to her home enviroment. She and you deserve better. What consequinces does she see him suffering if he is still drinking. I would think that
to her young eyes it looks like nothing has changed for him. Kids pick up on this
stuff at a really young age. Just my thoughts--Smiles Dee
behavior and the disruption to her home enviroment. She and you deserve better. What consequinces does she see him suffering if he is still drinking. I would think that
to her young eyes it looks like nothing has changed for him. Kids pick up on this
stuff at a really young age. Just my thoughts--Smiles Dee
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