DesertEyes

Hi Jessica,

That's exactly what I felt until a few weeks ago. For me it has been the most difficult decision of my life. I'm still not sure I'll be able to go thru with it to the end.

What I have learned is that I _could_ make it work no matter what. But only my half of it. The other half is up to my AW, and she has no desire to make it work. It takes both people to make a marriage work, by myself I'm just wasting my life.

The longer I take the worse it hurts and the crazier I get. The way I figure it, I can always get back together with her later, if she gets into recovery. But the longer I stay in this chaos, the harder it gets to get out.

I'm praying for you and that whatever you choose to do works out the best for you.

Mike :-)

wraybear

Jess, you can still meet with a divorce attorney just to get information. It doesn't mean you have to get divorced today. I would get some recommendations from people who have been through a somewhat "nasty" divorce (only because of the financial situation) and call them and ask them if they do free consultation. Between now and then start writing down any question that pops into your head so you can get as much information as you can out of the free consult. Then at least, you will be better educated so then you can make a more informed decision. My first divorce, in Kansas, was written to where I was not liable for any of the debt of the company that I owned. Yes, stupid on my part, it was his business, but because he was in the union he could not be an owner, so I was the owner, so he could still work union jobs. People that specialize in divorce/family law will be able to answer all these specific questions.

Nothing wrong with getting educated!

Take care, hope you have a peaceful Sunday!

1sunshine2

you don't have to do anything big like that until you are ready. And as long as you have doubt, you don't have to do it. I spoke with our corporate attorney yesterday too just for general info. And she said, once you have made some steps to separate, have different addresses, separate insurances, something that shows a separation of sorts, whether legal or just moved out. You won't necessarily be held responsible for his debts. A car in both names, with insurance in both names that get's in an accident can get you in a little pickle if the insurance isn't enough to cover an accident. Then a civil suit might get you involved. But from what I heard, and I hope I heard what she said, and not what I wanted to hear...was they pretty much are responsible for their stuff and we are responsible for ours. She did tell me something I didn't think of which was to get the utilities put in my name. Since he could have them all shut off in a little tyrade of power. So I will have to check to see which utilities are in my name and which are in his and do what needs to be done. Also the 401K papers came in the mail this weekend, and I thought he would cash that in and live on it.While I got stuck paying for both cars. But the 401K says he has to have my signature and my signature must be notarized...so their is at least hope that I can say, no way will I sign that unless we pay your car off with it...so I will only have to pay for my own car...since both car loans are in both of our names...then I won't have to worry about that...so I am glad for that anyway...And anyway, back to you.......................if you haven't read that book....get it and read it really...it's great book. It makes you feel so much better about being you. And doing the things you have done, and the things you will do in the future, why you do them. And even things you can do to feel somewhat better....It made me realize I don't have to run and file today...just because I feel like he's an out of control Alcoholic.....good luck with your decision. Or lack of one, either way....it's okay for you to do either....decide or not decide....

Dee at Mt Bully

I'm with you all--Just waiting for monday so I can make some calls. I don't have
young children to think about but I think my AH is trying to make a case that I'm
not compatent enough to make my own decisions. He wrote a letter to my Dr.
So lets wish us all good guidance and support. Love and smiles--Dee

JessicaNAJ

Dee - My thoughts are with you.

Sunshine - I had the utilities put in my name back in April when he moved out. I also had his name taken off MY bank account and off my checks. My attorney friend told me that I'm not necessarily responsible for any of his debt. There is a possibility that if someone wants to get really greedy they could try to come after me. The only 100% positive fix to this is that I file for "D". Inevitably, I think thats where we are headed for anyway. I'm just not sure I'm ready to make that decision. On the other hand though, I've basically taken care of everything I own, kids included, pretty much without his help since April. I think I need a little boost to reassure myself that I am not causing his pain and that I am not responsible for his feelings (CoDe behavior). This is a battle I'm still having trouble with. Otherwise, I've got it all under control and I have no guilt with anything I've done this far.

I have the book CoDependant No More. I read it a few months ago. I think I should read it again.

StandingStrong

Jessica, I don't know if you are aware of this or not as I think I've been pretty private about certain things on this board, but you are in the same state as I am.
As you may recall, I went and saw a lawyer a few months ago. I still have not filed any kind of paperwork (mostly due to lack of money) but my point is that you do not have to make any kind of decision at the time of your appt.
I went there to discuss my options and see what needed to be done, etc. I needed information and I knew there would be things that I had not thought of. I left the lawyer's office really just blown away! There were many more aspects of things that I had not even considered. Which is the main reason that I did not make any decisions that very day I was there. My brain was on overload and I didn't feel it was in my best interest to make such a big decision at that time.
I have come to a point where my past year has been so overwhelming with things, that I now take one thing at a time. I focus all my energy on one thing - one thing at a time. I have come upon some issues that take precedence over a divorce/dissolution (Thanksgiving, kid's birthdays, Christmas, my son being injured and finding out our insurance wasn't in effect yet - hence, lack of money, etc)
The point is that I have a whole new array of things to think about now when it comes to a divorce/dissolution and yet I do not have to make any decisions until I am ready and able.

You are thinking about a lot of things. Just make the appointment and go. Knowledge is power!!!!!!!!! You will have educated yourself and this will help aid you in the decisions that you will make.

Find peace, Jessica.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you SS - I always look forward to your wisdom.

I don't think I could ever be without my kids on ANY holiday. It would kill me. But you are right, knowledge is power.

I wish you the best for this year.

wraybear

You said "But I'm not one to jump into anything unless I'm 100% sure I'm ready for the outcome." you can get the knowledge to find out what the outcome may be. Like SS says, she was blown away by things she hadn't thought of, so go in there with a mindset that you aren't going to make a decision, you are simply seeking knowledge.

I wish we all had the knowledge of the outcome before we took our vows. But, we all married kind, nice, fun, loveable, caring, considerate, happy, peaceful, cute, humble, etc. soulmates, who have an addiction that has taken away those traits.

I have divorce papers sitting on my counter, they have been there for weeks. I am not ready to sign them, but at least I know what to expect financially and custody wize if I do get divorced. Even if I do file them, they can still sit and sit and sit for a very lengthy time.

Seek knowledge and good luck!