ahcb

Hello all,

A Question for you. First my brief history. Married for 17 years-did not know wife would turn into (or perhaps was ) a full blown alcoholic. She has been in recovery for 13 months (yeah babe!) even that has had difficult moments. Here is what is driving me nuts because i am not sure if it is just me but when i read:

" Hi my name is Suzie/bob and i have a question. I know my bf/gf is an alcoholic and i just cannot get them to stop. He/She embarrasses me, has missed holidays, stolen money, etc etc etc,

You understand what i mean. Is it only me that wants to say Dear Suzie/Bob-my advice is -RUN, RUN, RUN, away- they are alcoholics, you WILL NEVER change them-they will never change unless they really want to and even that does not guarantee anything. You are to good to be knowingly marrying a DRUNK- RUN AWAY--Forget trying to deal with it-or learn to cope with it, You are single-STAY THAT WAY-

Find a man/girl who would rather die for you than hurt you. One who will give you all he/she can-GOD ALMIGHTY JUST RUN-

Whew. My point is I read alot of young young folks going into this thinking love will be the answer. It is barely enough after years of marrige...

Do not misundrstand me. If you are married then years into it you notice a problem or one develops-it is completly different-I am talking about knowingly marrying a A, or Druggie, or what ever..want to get your thoughts. I think RUN AWAY is the best advice..aj

queenofthehwy

I didn't know my AH had a problem until years after we had been married, and am just now realizing how bad it is and that I am codependent.

When you are in love or think you are in love I don't know if it matters what anyone else tells you at the moment.

I wish that I could just run away, believe me I have thought about it soooooo many times, but after years and kids and all that it's not easy. I don't know if it would be any easier if he were just a boyfriend????

At least when people are reading and posting here they are gaining knowledge and strength from all of us married or not.

drgnfly30

Ahcb - I happen to agree 100% with you.... I've been married 15 yrs to my AH & if I knew then what I knew now I would have RUN RUN RUN!!

Of course I KNEW he was an alcoholic then, I dated him for 5 years first for goodness sakes!! The difference is that I thought I could change him! So I can certainly understand where those posters are right now in their lives and I empathize with them...

I'm glad they post .. I believe that finding places like this & learning about the disease & what they will be 'in for' will help them realize it before they get into a situation that will be much harder to get out of!! Take it from me!!

Christine

jlu

Achb, add me to the agree list. I did not know about my husband's addiction until a couple of months ago. We have been married for 2 years. He always told me that he was hanging out with friends and I wouldn't have any fun cuz it was "just the guys". Now that the truth is out and he's working on his recovery I have told him that had I known before I would have never married him. And he says he understands, and he knows that, and that's why he didn't tell me.

It is not the kind of life I expected to have. Not the kind of life I wanted to have. And not the kind of life that I would wish for anybody.

If you have the option..... RUN!

hope2bhappy

"Love is blind." I'm not sure many of us would have done anything differently in the beginning. I think it is all part of our own denial when we hang on to the idea that things will get better... his/her drinking is not really that bad..., etc. A lot of it is ignorance about the disease, too. There are no alcoholics in my family. I was inexperienced. It never even dawned on me that my H had a problem until after a DUI. So I can't really say I was living in denial -- I was living in ignorance. My advice today to anyone who is not married to their alcoholic is to run away.

You are so lucky that your wife is in recovery. I hope and pray that someday I shall be where you are.

Dee at Mt Bully

Ya know--There are alot of people out there planning to get married thinking things
they don't like will change after they are married. Alcohol is just one of the behaviors
we all think will change when we get married. I agree with you though--when I'm reading posts from GF/BF thinking about marrying an A or drug addict I'm thinking run run run y-- F---- run. Then I look at myself and I realize I would have still done the
deed. Married and all. Every one says hindsight is 20/20. So here we are. Moving
along on the road of taking care of ourselves. And just look at the character we
are building--sorta-lol Congrats to you and your wife--Smiles--Dee

allalone

AHCB- your a genius!

JessicaNAJ

I was one of those young ones who thought I could love my AH enough he'd want to change. My problem was (most of all), I thought I could "fix" him. As I grew, he didn't. His alcoholism was more than I bargained for. I was way in over my head. I don't want to "accept" his alcoholism. I want him to recover. I want him to realize he has a problem. I know that will never happen; therefore (15 years later), I have to move on. If that means without him, so be it. I have to do what is best for me and my kids.

I don't think anyone wants to put themselves in the middle of a train wreck. Unless you grow up in an "Alcoholic" or other addictive environment, I don't think anyone realizes how hard this disease is - for the Alcoholic or the family.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I'm happy for you that your spouse in recovery. I wish the best for both of you. Some of us aren't that lucky.

dreamcatcher

I have thought it and you said it. I have been married 23 years, the only thing that I have to be thankful for is 3 great kids. Yes I would say RUN and throw a grenade behind you because they will track you down. Sorry having a bit of anger today. Great Post! Made me laugh out loud and I needed that.

wraybear

When I first started coming here, I found many many of those same posts and many many replies said RUN RUN RUN. I will say it as fast as any of you! RUN RUN RUN.

It seems like there are so many of us that are here that have been married about 15 years? I thought 7 or 8 years was the "magic" number for addressing the addict issue in the family. I wonder if there is something special about 15 years? Are we all tired as hell and just aren't going to take it anymore?!?!?! lol

JessicaNAJ

Wray -you have a very good point. I've noticed that too. I've heard of the 7 year itch. Hmmm, what about 15? lol

dreamcatcher

In reading posts by those of us who have 15 or more years of h$#@ under our belts, I think it is easy to say we are in a class of our own and most of our responses are quite simular. I think only until you have experienced what we have, can you feel the way we do. We have loved, understood, stood by, got help, cried, begged, screamed and thought we have lost our minds. I know sometimes the responses seem harsh or we use humor in horrible situations but that is because of where we are. My AH and separated for 8 months at 15 years and I kick myself in the a#! for not holding to it, but I know I just wasn't ready. I held out hope. I feel hopeless now, not for myself but knowing that I can't continue in this way of life. Maybe we need a forum for 15 years of He$$ group.

Dee at Mt Bully

WOW only eleven years here. Do I have to stay 4-5 more or can I add them together.
Yup I was foolish enough to do it twice. In my defense my second AH is a completely
different type of AH then my first. If that is possible. I can't believe I'm writing this--
is it as funny to you as it is to me--cause right now it seems pretty LOL.
Love and smiles--Dee

clyde

I am the baby. Only 8 years here. I did not know he was A before hand. We were in college and we all drank. We were engaged a week after meeting. Pregnant at 3 weeks. Not a move I recommend to anyone else. So I was pretty oblivious in the begining.

minnie

achb

I am one of the ones who followed that path. I split up with my A ex fiancé at the beginning of December.I had to ask myself "If things never changed, could I live with the situation for the rest of my life?". And I decided that I couldn't. Even in my recovery. And I certainly couldn't bring a child into that relationship, and at 31 and childless, that was an important consideration for me.

I didn't make this decision based on any "run, run, run" advice, but reading the stories of those who have been married a long time certainly will have influenced me.

I know I have made the right decision, even though I am having to deal with incredible amounts of manipulation to make me change my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that his reactions are his business, not mine.

If I were asked, I would say run. But I would add that some soul searching might be in order to understand why one gets into these relationships in the first place. I needed to know why I didn't notice the red flags that I can see so clearly with hindsight.

I am grateful for the knowledge of myself that has resulted from being involved with an A, but I am more grateful that I changed the course of my life.

ahcb

Dee,
I had to laugh "my second AH" > You do realize a lot of us are thinking "mmmm 2nd AH, what happened to the first". Hey that is your business. My pont in this was just to see if the thought of RUN,RUN,RUN, was just in my head.

Every situation is different and there are those that stay and things DO work out. I just think that I would tell my kids RUN...Hell I think my wife would be yelling RUN the loudest.

I dont think it is a case for us to "figure out" why we end up with a spouse with a drinking problem. Sometimes you just dont notice it and when your in your twenties drinking, even nightly is not all unusual..Once your married you learn things...Your spouse learns all the great meals you cooked were really take out---and you learn they are a raging alcoholic dooming you to a life of frustration, anger, and sadness that YOUR life has ended up in nothing but a frustrating cycle of denial, drink, denial, drink-to the point that you watch the nightly news and you see a spouse has been arrested for hacking thier loved one to death and you think...mmmmm...i could get away with it...SORRY I digress

Have a great day..aj

drgnfly30

ROTFL!!! sorry I couldn't help but find a bit of humor (& myself) in that one!! It must be that 15 years making me giggle!!

Count me in!!!

Christine

escape artist

i think they should run too, however, i ran for many many years but kept ending up with the same problem -Alcoholics must be very attracted to me!. i have finally figured out, there must be something up with me! and that is how i ended up here!

Aquiana

I think the problem with just telling people to run though is that it's not that black and white. There's far too many different reasons why people choose to stay. It's easy to say it, but not as easy to do it. I would say the same thing to anyone. I've said it even before being with and A, but I never did it. There's the thought that you can fix it, there's the guilt of leaving someone who you know needs you, there's financial reasons, poor self esteem and the list goes on and on....

I know that alot of A's are excellent manipulators. They know what to say to make you love them or hate them. It's easy to say a person should get away, but if it's your heart strings getting tugged on it's a little different.

pmaslan

ahcb

When I met my ASO I thought he was just a fun guy who liked to party socially. After a month I realized he was an alcoholic. Funny all my so called caring friends "enlighten" me after I become involved. Stupid comments like I can't believe you are with an alcoholic. Coming from a background with none of this, I was niave. The point being after only 1 month I should have run like the wind. Which brings up a good point Minnie had, why didn't I see the red flags and do some soul searching in an effort to understand why I was with someone like this to begin with. My eyes are wide open now, red flags are my friends.