Obsessive Behavior
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Obsessive Behavior
Where's my cushion? I need a really good hard kick in the rear.
I have not talked to my AH since sunday night at 9:30 when he said he was going to bed and wanted to say goodnight. I tried to call him last night to see if he had to work today or if he was going to come get the kids. No anwer. I tried to call him today to tell him that Citifinancial was trying to get ahold of him, no answer.
Here's the bad part - and I was doing so good up until now - I drove past the bar on my lunch hour to see if he was there. Now I'm telling myself "well that was stupid. You just wasted your lunch checking up on him." OOOHHHHH I feel like an idiot. Why did I have this uncontrollable burst of obsessive behavior?
Okay - I'm calm. Really I am. I just don't understand what made me go out of control like this. I tried to talk myself out of it. I know it was unhealthy for me to check up on him. Did I think it was going to make me feel better knowing that I'm right, that he was at the bar? No - I didn't see his car.
I need to get a grip and refocus....
I have not talked to my AH since sunday night at 9:30 when he said he was going to bed and wanted to say goodnight. I tried to call him last night to see if he had to work today or if he was going to come get the kids. No anwer. I tried to call him today to tell him that Citifinancial was trying to get ahold of him, no answer.
Here's the bad part - and I was doing so good up until now - I drove past the bar on my lunch hour to see if he was there. Now I'm telling myself "well that was stupid. You just wasted your lunch checking up on him." OOOHHHHH I feel like an idiot. Why did I have this uncontrollable burst of obsessive behavior?
Okay - I'm calm. Really I am. I just don't understand what made me go out of control like this. I tried to talk myself out of it. I know it was unhealthy for me to check up on him. Did I think it was going to make me feel better knowing that I'm right, that he was at the bar? No - I didn't see his car.
I need to get a grip and refocus....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Northern California
Posts: 5
a third step prayer I found helpful...
God help me today to not put anything into my mind or body that you would not have there.
Take all of my relationships in life and make of them what you will. Your will only be done in their lives as well as in mine and let me know the truth.
Amen.
This helps me a lot when I slip into obsessive thoughts.
Karmic
God help me today to not put anything into my mind or body that you would not have there.
Take all of my relationships in life and make of them what you will. Your will only be done in their lives as well as in mine and let me know the truth.
Amen.
This helps me a lot when I slip into obsessive thoughts.
Karmic
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Jess,
Don't beat yourself up. Hese behaviors didn't come up overnight and it took me awhile to stop buying into them. Just pick yourself up and continue forward - a small slip only. When I start with the obsessive thoughts (for me its when is he going to get a job!) I try to refocus my attention on myself - what am I doing today to move forward for me? Hang in there you are doing great.
Don't beat yourself up. Hese behaviors didn't come up overnight and it took me awhile to stop buying into them. Just pick yourself up and continue forward - a small slip only. When I start with the obsessive thoughts (for me its when is he going to get a job!) I try to refocus my attention on myself - what am I doing today to move forward for me? Hang in there you are doing great.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I'm letting myself think the worst has happened to him. Instead of me being mad now b/c he hasn't called, I'm worried. Typical pattern.
I have to keep reminding myself that everytime this happens he ends up ok. The last time this happened, I got myself so worked up that when he finally did call, I cried. Then I was more mad at myself for wasting my time and energy worrying so much about someone that was okay. He obviously didn't care that I was worried, so why should I waste my time. I'm going to everything I can to not do that to myself this time. I know it's not going to be easy.
I'm on edge - is that normal?
Let go and let God....
I have to keep reminding myself that everytime this happens he ends up ok. The last time this happened, I got myself so worked up that when he finally did call, I cried. Then I was more mad at myself for wasting my time and energy worrying so much about someone that was okay. He obviously didn't care that I was worried, so why should I waste my time. I'm going to everything I can to not do that to myself this time. I know it's not going to be easy.
I'm on edge - is that normal?
Let go and let God....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I wanted - one more time - to see if he was home or not. I drove passed his apartment and saw his car.
I'm at peace for the time being. Mad as hell because he don't have enough consideration for his family to call, or whatever. But, at least I know he's not dead.
Thanks again for being here!!
I'm at peace for the time being. Mad as hell because he don't have enough consideration for his family to call, or whatever. But, at least I know he's not dead.
Thanks again for being here!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Evening little angel:
From one obsessive/compulsive person to another: I know what you're feeling. You've been manipulated and lied to so many times that you feel compelled to learn the truth yourself, as your AH will never reveal the truth to you. That's because he's not capable of doing anything right now except obsessing over his next drink. He can't think about what his absence is doing to you or worry about the effects of his behavior on the kids. Every moment of his life is focused around one thing: getting his next drink.
So what good does it do for you to spend time driving by a bar or his apartment to check on him? You already know he's drinking, you already know he's not capable of taking care of or loving himself. You already know there's no room in his life for you or your children, and unfortunately you can't change it. Nothing you can say or do will change his behavior. If it would, he would have changed by now.
It took me a while to come to the realization that alcohol is the sun, the moon, the air, to my boyfriend. He lives and breathes it. He is completely powerless over it. So, to gain a better understanding of what my boyfriend was going through, I spent several days reading the posts on the AA section of this board. I wanted to learn first-hand what it's like to be powerless over alcohol. It was an eye opening experience. Unless you've experienced alcoholism first-hand you probably have no idea what a struggle it is to live that way. I know I didn't.
So, like many others on this board, I've come to the conclusion that I can only work on myself and that I must not become obsessive over my AB's behavior. It simply isn't something that I can control. So, I'm learning to let go, to let him live his life as HE chooses. To make his own decisions, whatever the outcome may be. You can drive by the bar or his apartment until kingdom comes, but the situation won't change until you change yourself.
All you can do is take one day at a time and let go of the things that you can't change. Today you can choose not to worry about him. Tomorrow you can choose to focus only on yourself.
Nite little angel.
From one obsessive/compulsive person to another: I know what you're feeling. You've been manipulated and lied to so many times that you feel compelled to learn the truth yourself, as your AH will never reveal the truth to you. That's because he's not capable of doing anything right now except obsessing over his next drink. He can't think about what his absence is doing to you or worry about the effects of his behavior on the kids. Every moment of his life is focused around one thing: getting his next drink.
So what good does it do for you to spend time driving by a bar or his apartment to check on him? You already know he's drinking, you already know he's not capable of taking care of or loving himself. You already know there's no room in his life for you or your children, and unfortunately you can't change it. Nothing you can say or do will change his behavior. If it would, he would have changed by now.
It took me a while to come to the realization that alcohol is the sun, the moon, the air, to my boyfriend. He lives and breathes it. He is completely powerless over it. So, to gain a better understanding of what my boyfriend was going through, I spent several days reading the posts on the AA section of this board. I wanted to learn first-hand what it's like to be powerless over alcohol. It was an eye opening experience. Unless you've experienced alcoholism first-hand you probably have no idea what a struggle it is to live that way. I know I didn't.
So, like many others on this board, I've come to the conclusion that I can only work on myself and that I must not become obsessive over my AB's behavior. It simply isn't something that I can control. So, I'm learning to let go, to let him live his life as HE chooses. To make his own decisions, whatever the outcome may be. You can drive by the bar or his apartment until kingdom comes, but the situation won't change until you change yourself.
All you can do is take one day at a time and let go of the things that you can't change. Today you can choose not to worry about him. Tomorrow you can choose to focus only on yourself.
Nite little angel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
He didn't call and didn't show up this morning. I really didn't expect him to and I didn't call to see if he would.
You know, one thing that hurts me is – I consider his feelings with just about everything I do. He is not even considering me or the kids. He is so self-centered. All he can think about his getting his next drink and drowning his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. He says he hurts, THEN GET HELP. That is one of our problems in our marriage. He’d rather drown his sorrows until they go away. I have not closed the door as far as the possibility of us getting back together. I’ve just shut down (I guess you could call it that) emotionally, towards him – and that’s only because I have to put me and my kids first. If I open my heart fully, he’s going to crush me. I would never get better.
I’m a little sad today. Just a little. Maybe I’m thinking for him. It’s like I can feel his sorrow – BUT, how in the **** can I feel his sorrow when I haven’t even heard from him since Sunday. Who am I to presume what he’s feeling?
Sorry - I just had to vent a bit.
You know, one thing that hurts me is – I consider his feelings with just about everything I do. He is not even considering me or the kids. He is so self-centered. All he can think about his getting his next drink and drowning his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. He says he hurts, THEN GET HELP. That is one of our problems in our marriage. He’d rather drown his sorrows until they go away. I have not closed the door as far as the possibility of us getting back together. I’ve just shut down (I guess you could call it that) emotionally, towards him – and that’s only because I have to put me and my kids first. If I open my heart fully, he’s going to crush me. I would never get better.
I’m a little sad today. Just a little. Maybe I’m thinking for him. It’s like I can feel his sorrow – BUT, how in the **** can I feel his sorrow when I haven’t even heard from him since Sunday. Who am I to presume what he’s feeling?
Sorry - I just had to vent a bit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I know that my H is an irresponsible person. I know that his needs and wants always come before the needs and wants of his family. I know that his sorrow is his own doing and his own responsiblity - not mine. I know that if his choices lead him into financial ruin or put his life in danger, they are still his choices - not mine.
I accept this. There is nothing I can do to change this. I have control over me and my choices - not him and his choices. I can't fix him.
When I accepted this, I had a peace I had not known in a long time. I'm not angry with him, I don't hate him or his actions. There is no reason for anger - it is just the way the it is. I don't need to prove to myself over and over again that this is the way it is. I've proven it to myself many times. All I have to do is accept things for the way they are.
I allow him to live his life and I live mine. This is the most loving thing I can do for him but, more importantly, it is the most loving thing I can do for me.
Wishing you peace and strength - L
I accept this. There is nothing I can do to change this. I have control over me and my choices - not him and his choices. I can't fix him.
When I accepted this, I had a peace I had not known in a long time. I'm not angry with him, I don't hate him or his actions. There is no reason for anger - it is just the way the it is. I don't need to prove to myself over and over again that this is the way it is. I've proven it to myself many times. All I have to do is accept things for the way they are.
I allow him to live his life and I live mine. This is the most loving thing I can do for him but, more importantly, it is the most loving thing I can do for me.
Wishing you peace and strength - L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
It's 1:00 p.m. I have not called him and I have not checked up on him. I've thought about it, but I haven't. I can't keep doing this to myself. It's not healthy for me. He's going to do what he's going to do. I shouldn't expect anything more and nothing less.
I'm sorry if I'm boring you all with this but coming here to vent and say what I'm feeling and what's going on in my mind is really helping.
Your support is a huge help in helping me to refocus.
I'm sorry if I'm boring you all with this but coming here to vent and say what I'm feeling and what's going on in my mind is really helping.
Your support is a huge help in helping me to refocus.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
Be strong. I did the unthinkable last night and tried to get some of my emotional needs met by talking to him, hoping to here to hear "this must be so hard for you" or "I'm sorry for what I have put you through" NOPE didn't get it, I just got more blame and humiliation. I have done the checking, searching, driving by JUST TO KNOW THE TRUTH. I think it is important in keeping ourselves on track although it is not healthy. Keep writing I wish I had the internet at home so I could have came here last night instead of wanting to beat myself over the head.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
He hasn't called - I haven't called him. I didn't go past the bar. I feel lost, confused, hurt, angry, concerned, stupid for caring, mad that he don't, and on and on and on.
I thought I was going to throw up when the phone rang - it was only my sister.
I called my friend to divert my attention. It helped a little. I'm calmer, my anxiety has subsided a bit.
This has to get easier.
When he does call, I'm not sure how I'll react. I don't want to cry, I don't want to talk, I don't want to fight. So, why do I want him to call??
I'm going to say a prayer to my HP - for peace. On the bright side, I not letting my "obsessive behavior" show in front of my kids as I have in the past.
I thought I was going to throw up when the phone rang - it was only my sister.
I called my friend to divert my attention. It helped a little. I'm calmer, my anxiety has subsided a bit.
This has to get easier.
When he does call, I'm not sure how I'll react. I don't want to cry, I don't want to talk, I don't want to fight. So, why do I want him to call??
I'm going to say a prayer to my HP - for peace. On the bright side, I not letting my "obsessive behavior" show in front of my kids as I have in the past.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
If this helps, this is what I did.
I had a list of things that I could do that would occupy my mind. Whenever I started obsessing, I would say "Stop It" - out loud. Then, I would say a prayer asking my HP to lead him to good choices and keep him safe. Then, I would do one of the things on my list until I got a grip again.
I always kept in mind that when my head is in a crazy, obsessive place, that is the worst time for me to take action. I told myself that, once I got myself back to clear thinking, if I wanted to call him, I would. Funny thing - I never thought it was a good idea to call him when I was thinking clearly.
It will get easier.
Hugs - L
I had a list of things that I could do that would occupy my mind. Whenever I started obsessing, I would say "Stop It" - out loud. Then, I would say a prayer asking my HP to lead him to good choices and keep him safe. Then, I would do one of the things on my list until I got a grip again.
I always kept in mind that when my head is in a crazy, obsessive place, that is the worst time for me to take action. I told myself that, once I got myself back to clear thinking, if I wanted to call him, I would. Funny thing - I never thought it was a good idea to call him when I was thinking clearly.
It will get easier.
Hugs - L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Jess, I hope your day is improving a little bit. I like Lorelai's suggestion. See if you can distract yourself with a book, a movie, or just some window shopping. Maybe you could play a game with your kids. Anything that you think will work to distract ou from the obsessive thoughts. Maybe you could go to an alanon meeting today? My prayers are with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I'm really not sure what I'm feeling or why I'm having such a hard time with this. I know I don't want to live with the A behavior and he has to get help in order for me to even consider some kind of resolution with us (which I've told him quite a few times).
I know the obsessive behavior is a creature of habit. I think I'm past that. On second thought, It's obsessive to keep wondering what is going on, When is he going to call, what is he doing, blah blah blah.... isn't it??
Could it be I'm having such a hard time because I have no control. Or am I just fooling myself with this whole situation? I'm confused.....
I know the obsessive behavior is a creature of habit. I think I'm past that. On second thought, It's obsessive to keep wondering what is going on, When is he going to call, what is he doing, blah blah blah.... isn't it??
Could it be I'm having such a hard time because I have no control. Or am I just fooling myself with this whole situation? I'm confused.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
HI sweetie...my only thought is that it took us a long time to get the way we are, and I suppose it doesn't just go away over night! Try to do something for yourself, and just pretend he doesn't exist. Just for today, pretend he doesn't exist...and focus on you and the kids. Tell yourself you can worry about it tomorrow...all day. Just for today, don't think about him. I do this alot and then when tomorrow comes, I find I am able to think clearer and not obsess...it seems much less important.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
