Ex ABF relapsed on everything
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Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 15
Ex ABF relapsed on everything
Hey guys, just wanted to check in again and give some updates since it’s been a few weeks.
Ive been diving deeper into helping myself and hanging out with friends (who knew how nice it is to not constantly have to check your phone for texts like “where are you”, “when will you be home”, “answer your @&?!$ phone”??). I’ve been able to go out and completely forget about him for the most part too!
I did go out with friends a week or two ago and we went to a restaurant in the city I lived in with my ex. It was on a side of town my ex and i hardly went to, a fairly nice part of town. When my friends and I were walking to our cars, I saw his car pull up across the parking lot to another car (his “best friend”/enabler/meth dealer). He dropped off the friend, sat for a couple seconds, then sped off. I have no idea if he saw me, but his dealer sure did (we were all close before i found out about the addictions so I know he had to recognize me, he looked right at me!). There was someone in my ex’s passenger seat too but I couldn’t see them (heck, i couldn’t even see my ex!) The reason i KNEW it was his car was because of an ICP axe man sticker on the rear windshield that his whole family has for his late uncle (that i’ve mentioned in earlier posts). My ex is pretty much known for blasting music everywhere he goes but he wasn’t blasting it then.
My friends luckily understood how it made me feel (i got a spike of anxiety, almost felt hollow inside as my mind instantly went to thoughts of the passenger being another woman… ugh!).
I know for a fact he HAS to have relapsed on meth in addition to the alcohol since the friend/dealer gives it too him FOR FREE at least 60% of the time, and actually was the one who offered to let him try it in the first place as well as giving him liquor to drink and drive when they worked together (my ex was a delivery driver at the time).
I still managed to have a good time with my friends (we went bowling after that) and they were super reassuring and supportive, which I am beyond thankful for. After we all went our separate ways I cried the entire ride home, so hurt and angry over everything (as if it had opened a fresh wound).
In the moment it felt like my healing started over again but by the next morning it almost completely dissipated. I resumed life as normal and that helped too. I had also called ex’s mom that night too and she said she’s hardly seen him and if it seems like he’s moved on already (if it really was another girl in the car) then i should too. It’s not like I’m not trying, yknow? Doesn’t take the pain away.
Since then things have been good, I’ve been posting different little things i’ve been doing and I have to admit I do get a bit of an ego boost when I still see him stalking my social media posts. Regardless, I’m having fun and want to post about it!
I have also done things i haven’t done in years, like get my nails done and go shopping for myself. Of course I’ve been shopping during the relationship but he always got onto me about spending my own money and would be in the most foul mood when we’d even go grocery shopping! I talked to his mom about it earlier this week and she said that it’s nice to realize just how much you CAN do now when you don’t have someone constantly dragging you down.
I was doing super well up until about last night, when I just burst into tears thinking about how much I miss being held and shown affection. I know I miss the attachment and being loved romantically in general and not necessarily him, but we were together for so long that the feeling is attached to him specifically. Ultimately I know that this will pass, especially with my persistence and consistency of self care. I even feel much better about it this morning!
It does get better! I am already leagues better than I was, I needed time to see that. I have a long way to go still but I know it’s worth it and things will only get better from here. I still have love for him and am sad that he returned to his vices, and I hope he is safe above anything. But that is HIS choice and HIS life, not mine.
Ive been diving deeper into helping myself and hanging out with friends (who knew how nice it is to not constantly have to check your phone for texts like “where are you”, “when will you be home”, “answer your @&?!$ phone”??). I’ve been able to go out and completely forget about him for the most part too!
I did go out with friends a week or two ago and we went to a restaurant in the city I lived in with my ex. It was on a side of town my ex and i hardly went to, a fairly nice part of town. When my friends and I were walking to our cars, I saw his car pull up across the parking lot to another car (his “best friend”/enabler/meth dealer). He dropped off the friend, sat for a couple seconds, then sped off. I have no idea if he saw me, but his dealer sure did (we were all close before i found out about the addictions so I know he had to recognize me, he looked right at me!). There was someone in my ex’s passenger seat too but I couldn’t see them (heck, i couldn’t even see my ex!) The reason i KNEW it was his car was because of an ICP axe man sticker on the rear windshield that his whole family has for his late uncle (that i’ve mentioned in earlier posts). My ex is pretty much known for blasting music everywhere he goes but he wasn’t blasting it then.
My friends luckily understood how it made me feel (i got a spike of anxiety, almost felt hollow inside as my mind instantly went to thoughts of the passenger being another woman… ugh!).
I know for a fact he HAS to have relapsed on meth in addition to the alcohol since the friend/dealer gives it too him FOR FREE at least 60% of the time, and actually was the one who offered to let him try it in the first place as well as giving him liquor to drink and drive when they worked together (my ex was a delivery driver at the time).
I still managed to have a good time with my friends (we went bowling after that) and they were super reassuring and supportive, which I am beyond thankful for. After we all went our separate ways I cried the entire ride home, so hurt and angry over everything (as if it had opened a fresh wound).
In the moment it felt like my healing started over again but by the next morning it almost completely dissipated. I resumed life as normal and that helped too. I had also called ex’s mom that night too and she said she’s hardly seen him and if it seems like he’s moved on already (if it really was another girl in the car) then i should too. It’s not like I’m not trying, yknow? Doesn’t take the pain away.
Since then things have been good, I’ve been posting different little things i’ve been doing and I have to admit I do get a bit of an ego boost when I still see him stalking my social media posts. Regardless, I’m having fun and want to post about it!
I have also done things i haven’t done in years, like get my nails done and go shopping for myself. Of course I’ve been shopping during the relationship but he always got onto me about spending my own money and would be in the most foul mood when we’d even go grocery shopping! I talked to his mom about it earlier this week and she said that it’s nice to realize just how much you CAN do now when you don’t have someone constantly dragging you down.
I was doing super well up until about last night, when I just burst into tears thinking about how much I miss being held and shown affection. I know I miss the attachment and being loved romantically in general and not necessarily him, but we were together for so long that the feeling is attached to him specifically. Ultimately I know that this will pass, especially with my persistence and consistency of self care. I even feel much better about it this morning!
It does get better! I am already leagues better than I was, I needed time to see that. I have a long way to go still but I know it’s worth it and things will only get better from here. I still have love for him and am sad that he returned to his vices, and I hope he is safe above anything. But that is HIS choice and HIS life, not mine.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,089
"I still have love for him and am sad that he returned to his vices, and I hope he is safe above anything. But that is HIS choice and HIS life, not mine. "
Broo, you sound like a very wise woman or at least you have a good healthy learning curve.
It is amazing how seeing them again or even something associated with them can throw us.
Please keep up the taking care of yourself. It does take time to heal and move on.
Big hug to you.
"Broo, you sound like a very wise woman or at least you have a good healthy learning curve.
It is amazing how seeing them again or even something associated with them can throw us.
Please keep up the taking care of yourself. It does take time to heal and move on.
Big hug to you.
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