Ashkit

My husband has been on the relapse rollercoaster for 10 months. The longest stretch of sobriety was the most recent, maybe 80 days but he's been drinking the last few weeks.

I have decided, it's time to separate. Maybe that will be what finally gets him sooner, but if it doesn't, at least I will have peace.

But it's so hard. I have cried every day. Before I was consumed by anger, and now it seems I'm past that, and feel only grief.

I need to be reminded that this is best, that I can afford to Believe him again only to have it all fall apart.

JohnB316

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have a big heart. Having been a heavy drinker for 20 years I had to be ready to quit permanently and keep trying. I am curious if your husband has tried AA or seeing a psychiatrist to address underlying issues and maybe be put on that med that makes you nauseous if you drink. I did all these and what finally worked for me was praying to Jesus to remove the urge to drink. I don't tell anyone what to believe that's just what worked for me.

trailmix

Hi Ashkit and welcome, glad you found the forum.

You can leave at any point. Time away will help you to lift the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). It's never easy to leave.

You may well be grieving now because you realize this is the end of this relationship. That's entirely normal and it hurts! That shouldn't stop you from doing what you think is best though, you know. It's going to hurt for a while, but eventually, over time, you will heal. There will be brighter days. You do deserve peace and contentment (heck and fun!) in your life.

It's sounds like you are done, that's ok, you do have a right to protect yourself, look out for yourself and take care of yourself.

Ashkit

[QUOTE=JohnB316;8053758] I am curious if your husband has tried AA or seeing a psychiatrist to address underlying issues and maybe be put on that med that makes you nauseous if you drink.]

He's done IOP, AA, and the meds. He's left the house for a total of 5 months over a couple different trips to try and sober up. I've tried being supportive and loving, I've tried being angry and giving ultimatums, I've begged on my knees with tears in my eyes.

This time he swears it will be different. But he didn't admit to the drinking until I caught him. It's not like he had a slip up and came to me and threw himself back into AA. He doesn't have a sponsor and he's not doing anything to actually work recovery.

My fear is that he might sober up for a month or two and relapse again. Nothing will change if nothing changes. I've given him almost a year to try and get sober and looking back, I don't think he was ever truly in recovery. Just intermittent periods of not drinking. It breaks my heart.

SmallButMighty

I am sorry you are experiencing this painful situation Ashkit.

I've been there, it sucked. The most painful thing I ever had to do was decide I was done riding the crazy train with my alcoholic ex. It was so hard and it hurt so much, but leaving was the right thing for me to do. My reactions to his behavior were not healthy and my own life was spiraling out of control because of it. When I realized I would not, could not trust him, ever again, I knew it was time. No amount of Love was going to bring back the Trust..and what is a marriage with no trust? How can anyone feel safe in a relationship with a spouse you can not trust?

It takes time to recover from a separation. It takes time to recover from the damage done while living with an active addict. It takes time to feel normal and happy again. With time it does get better. You will get back to a place of peace, calm and comfort again...and you will be wiser going forward. The wisdom wasn't a gift I was expecting but I am ever so grateful for it.

Hang in there, "you got this". We will be here should you need or want to talk your way through the process.

*hugs*

trailmix

"One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.

"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"

But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter".

https://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/..._Lies_Rel.html

You are not wrong Ashkit and it's not your responsibility to get him sober. He knows where to get help, as you have mentioned.

At some point you have realized this and realized that you are being dragged down the same path he is on. As is said around here, let go (of the rope) or be dragged.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).