Mitchema

Please help! And please be kind to my situation as this is very hard for me to talk about.

this might be a little long as it took place over five years, but I will do my very best to narrate it as short as I can. In early 2018 I met a girl who lived by my home who was very pretty and very kind at first. I noticed that she smelled like alcohol and looked a little disheveled most of the time. At the time it was extremely unattractive to me, but I knew something was off. She came on to me very strong at first. I really didn’t want anything to do with her, but she invited me to her house and I witnessed her drink literally until she would pass out right in front of her kids. I attempted to stay away from her. Then came the day. She came to my house and she had observable bruises on her arms and wrists. She revealed bruises from her collarbones to her ankles, and I have never seen a woman look like that ever in my life. Tears ran down her face, and she softly asked me if I would help her! My heart broke, and I told her I would help her and this started a five year long roller coaster ride of relapses and insanity that almost destroyed me! at first she was able to stay sober for a little more than a year and I thought we had the situation completely under control but then out of nowhere she relapsed. It devastated me and every time she relapsed she would go back to her ex-husband who was extremely abusive towards her, who is also an alcoholic! It was like he would just sit in the background and wait for her to drink again so he could roll back into the picture! Then there would be problems between them, obviously during drunken rages. It got so bad that she asked me to leave the front door of my house unlocked so she could have a safe haven to run to if he became abusive! Well of course the inevitable happened and she ran through my door after midnight on the phone with 911 that he had thrown objects at her and chased her underneath the garage door and she had to run to my house for safety! Sheriff deputies were called and she was on 911 and I had to protect her at gunpoint against him until the police arrived to keep her safe! I realized, what the hell has my life become now Getting involved in this insanity!!! to make a very, very long story short, I helped her detox and held her through delirium tremors five different times where her body would shake uncontrollably and she would sweat profusely in my bed and every time she would end up relapsing again and again and again! And every time she would go back to her abusive ex-husband, who would bring alcohol to her and put it right in front of her! She would get so drunk and he would think it was funny to pour a glass of heavy whiskey and hand it to her when she was so drunk she couldn’t talk and that would put her completely out! I ended up having to sell my home and uprooting the comfort of my home to get away from the toxicity of the situation as it unfolded right across the street from my house like a horrible movie. This is what I got in return for trying to help a girl, who is a severe alcoholic that begged me for my help and told me if I didn’t help her she would die! I’m so upset, I’m so hurt and I feel horribly betrayed! For some crazy reason, I still miss her and worry about her every night! I later found out that she got a super drunk with both her kids in the car before I met her and blew a .27 picking them up from school at 3:10 in the afternoon! I could List way more horror stories, but a few others are that I picked her up from a parking lot wasted at 10 o’clock in the morning, she would call me from her work and become more aggressive and mean to me as the day went on drinking from work, she threatened to dive off my back porch of my house and kill herself ect… Readers, please be kind to me because this was the most devastating thing I’ve ever been through ….. I feel like a total failure because I couldn’t fix it…. thank you😢

Bekindalways

Oh Mitchema I am so so sorry.

Five years is a long time to try to fix the unfixable. Alcoholics often find kind caring people like you and then draw you into their drama. It is what they do.

Sadly and ultimately no one can fix an alcoholic. They have to choose recovery for themselves and even then it can be beyond difficult. Standing down and watching an addict destroy themselves is one of the hardest things to do. We humans hate feeling helpless but with another's addiction we are truly helpless; we can only save ourselves by detaching and letting go. Otherwise you are just dragged into the insanity and yet another life is wasted.

I'm glad you found us. You might look into alanon meetings. They can help.

Let us know how you get on.

LucyIntheGarden

Hello Mitchema,

I'm sorry for the trauma you have experienced. I hope you will come to accept that you were powerless to control any outcomes involving your former girlfriend. Did you ever, during these past 6 years, consider seeking help to cope with the devastating experiences? Or did you try to handle things all on your own?

In isolation, without outside support, you would be in such a state of ongoing trauma that you would not have been able to think clearly and rationally for your own sake This is not your fault, but this is what happens when we are isolated in a situation of emotional abuse, insanity, and violence. And it is very common for men involved with female alcoholics to assume the role of Hero. Very common. And when they do, the alcoholic woman uses them to her advantage. Your situation was complicated by the fact that the woman was trauma-bonded to her ex-husband. So, it would have been almost impossible for you to realize that she was using you and that you were yourself being abused by her.

This has all created long-lasting trauma for you, PTSD complicated with shame, remorse, and regret. You are blaming yourself for choices you made, for not being able to save her from her alcoholism and her bond with her ex-husband. You may also feel survivor's guilt, as well, as you are worrying now about her "every night." You may feel you do not have the right to be happy.

So, have you the means to get counseling? And would you be open to attending Al-Anon meetings weekly for a year or more? You spent nearly 7 years in the vortex of chaos that is addiction. Alone, you will be unlikely to heal from it. And will carry the traumatic remnants into any future relationships.

All of us who became involved in alcoholism--whether we had a partner who gradually became alcoholic or fell in love with someone in active addiction--became more and more isolated, more and more obsessed with our partner every minute of the day and night. We tried to control EVERYTHING. And did not realize we ourselves had become very ill. We lost all faith that there is a power greater than ourselves and that we could turn it all over.

"I tried to help" you say again and again in your post. And in an alcoholic relationship, helping has no effect at all. This is what you must come to accept in your gut. From the first day you met her until the last day you saw her, you were POWERLESS over all outcomes. No matter what you tried, nothing would have worked. You could not be the hero who rescued her. You were powerless over alcoholism.

You have a choice now: you can remain ill, or you can seek help for yourself and let her go, placing her with love in the hands of her higher power. I hope you will choose to love yourself and get well.

trailmix

Hi Mitch. Glad you found the forum and I'm so sorry for all you have been through.

Sadly, you were just someone she chose to enter her dramatic life. You never had any control of the outcome because you were just a player in her game on the perimeter You were allowed to enter the game when she chose.

This is even way past alcoholism alone. These two (her and her ex husband) have a whole bunch of issues going on.

You were very wise to get out of it, this could have gone on for years and ended very tragically. I'm glad you are safe.

It's a traumatic experience and you need support, you can post here as often as you like of course and you may want to look at getting therapy to talk all this through.

Your worry for her is wasted effort, she has moved along, maybe even invited a new person in to her drama. If you believe the children are at risk, you may want to contact CPS and tell them what you know.

Most important is to look after yourself, see this for what it was (getting caught up in someone else's mess, temporarily) and start healing from it.

Mitchema

thank you so much for your kind response. I will take your advice in every way I possibly and physically can. By far the most painful experience of my life.

Mitchema

Wow! Thank you, Lucyinthegarden. I have to say you absolutely nailed it! I did the whole half a decade in isolation. Every time she relapsed it was like a death over and over! By far the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I became a shell myself to the point where I sold my beautiful home just to get away from her. But then I still miss her and worry about her obsessively. I can’t believe how spot on you were with your response! I can’t thank you enough. as hard as it is, I have her blocked so she can’t contact me in anyway and she does not know where I’m at now because I know if she contacted me she would say just the right things to suck me back in again again for another cycle of insanity and craziness.

Mitchema

thanks Trailmix. I have to reply to the comment you made about me being a temporary player in her game when she wanted. You absolutely knocked it out of the park. I felt like I was put on the shelf until her alcoholism made her so down and out, that she wouldn’t take a shower for a week and would smell of BO and have dreadlock looking hair. Her appearance would change and then she would frantically try to pull me back into the cycle to help her out out of the mess just to put me through it again and again and again! You’re right man! 😢

Bekindalways

Mitch, it has been 35 years since I left my qualifier (qualifier means alcoholic with whom a person had a relationship). I still consider it the most painful thing I have ever been through.

To people who have not been in this situation, selling a house to get away may seem extreme but to all of us here, we understand. I left the Northern Hemisphere for six months to get away from him. My attraction to him was so extreme. Leaving probably saved my life.

Let us know how you get on.

makeitwrite

Hi Mitchema-

I wanted to say that you are in no way a failure in this awful situation- in fact, that you recognized that you needed to exit from it and you did what you had to do to do so- that is a success , in spite of how agonizing it is. I hope you can find solace in having removed yourself from it and honor yourself for the courage it took to let go. I hope with support you can come to acceptance and peace with letting go, it was never your job to save her and it was never in your power to do so, no matter how much you cared or wanted to. Blaming yourself for not being able to fix her addiction would be like blaming yourself for not being able to stop a tornado or an earthquake. Please be gentle with yourself, wishing you peace as you heal from this.

Mitchema

I know that it sounds absurd that I had to sell my home, but it seems like you truly understand the power of this as well as the pain. This is way too much information, but she always knew when she isolated and drank at some point, I was on the verge of stepping away from it all and she could sense it, she would then come back into my life almost in a nick of time(looking like hell), say all the things that I absolutely needed to hear to “feed my ego”, I guess you could say. Things like nobody’s ever done anything like this for me before! You’re my rock! If I drink again, I’m going to die! You’re my everything!
well, of course, she would suck me right back in, and we would end up tied up like a pretzel in bed! But every time my intuition was telling me right after that I just entered back in to the danger zone and a lot more pain was well on its way!!! Every time the pain got more and more intense.

Mitchema

I just want to thank you Lucyinthegarden. Your post is so excellently written that I read it several times a day.😢

Bekindalways

Mitch, how long has it been since you saw her? Also I assume you have blocked her on everything?

I spent a long time just getting through days without calling him and that was enough for that day. It was so dang hard.

The experience sure humbled me. I am no longer judgmental towards people who stay in abusive relationships. It took everything I had to get out of the one I was in with an addict.

Courage to you fine person.

Mitchema

I sold my house and have not seen her since August 12 of last year. Right around eight months. For me to ask for help on here I have to be honest with myself and everyone that has been willing to take the time out of their life to discuss this with me and try to help me. At first I was told to block her and I played the little game of not leaving her blocked because deep down inside I wanted to hear back from her. But finally, I did the right thing and I have blocked her in every way possible!
here’s the kicker! I am retired law-enforcement and I really thought I understood addictions and I think I have an “ego problem” thinking that I am capable of fixing all things that come into my life. Well, I was clearly humbled through this situation. I have realized that I had become trauma bonded to a toxic situation and I literally obsessed daily and nightly about it. to a little lesser extent I still do. What’s upsetting to me is all my law enforcement buddies who retired with me, asked me to go on trips to Anacosta Island, Ireland, and Canadian fishing trips, and I turned them all down because I thought I had enough control of the situation that if I was present, she wouldn’t relapse! She would never want me to go anywhere and keep me captive and available and say “what will I do if I crave and relapse”, knowing that that would be devastating to me! Not only did I miss all those trips, I lost friends calling me to ask me to do anything and they thought it was absolutely insane to put my life on hold for an alcoholic girlfriend! Especially one who has put me through endless cycles of abuse that they were witnessing! I know how wrong I was and how little control I had now. The worst part, and I think you will agree with me as I felt such a sense of purpose in helping her and whenever there was a little win, I would feel so important in her life. My ego would get a shot of adrenaline!! Ooohhh….. look at me go Mr. hero! But those wins were very few and far between and the pain that followed was undescribable……. Unbearable!!! It’s hard to describe a five-year period with a short post but the times she went back to her ex-husband were very short lived usually between 2 to 3 months and by that time they would drink together and she would look like roadkill! She sensed that I was out the door, getting stronger and wanting to move on with my life. She would loop back in, like a circling shark waiting to go in for the kill! It’s like she had a six sense of how well to play the game to keep us both on the hook and ping back-and-forth for her current “flavor of the day” needs. One guy trying to keep her drunk and the other guy trying to keep her sober! One Word for it…… Insanity!!!!

Bute

Hi Mitch,
This has been such an emotional journey for you. You seem to be so aware now! Once we know better, we do better - and that's what you're doing now.
Would you be able to reach out to those buddies? It's worth a shot!
Get your life back. Do things you enjoy. LIVE!
I'm sorry this has happened to you, but now that you have no contact, life for you will improve.
Be kind to yourself, and get the support you need.
Much Love
Bute x

LucyIntheGarden

Mitchema,

It is hard for men who have been in abusive relationships to find support. You might take a look at the website www.shrink4men.com. It is the site of a psychiatrist who specializes in treating men who have been abused in a relationship. The focus is on men who partnered with women who had personality disorders (such as Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Women with these disorders are also often alcoholics. So, reading around on the site might help you, especially in the wee hours of the night when our minds tend to dive into the past and the pain. The website has a forum and both articles and videos by the psychiatrist (who is a woman). The shared experiences among men in that forum may be especially helpful.

As mentioned by one of our members, an outcome of being brought to one's knees is that we can be forever after kinder and more accepting of people who are broken. This perhaps could be especially true of men who have always been capable and in control, strong and clear-headed. Character traits which are excellent for anyone in law-enforcement.

But Life seems to want wholeness, which means that the undeveloped parts of ourselves are often, seemingly through a fated encounter, brought forward and we are forced to grow.

And growing you are.

mattmathews

Mitchema,
It sounds like you actually have a pretty good perspective on what's been going on in your life, how it's affected you and what you've missed out on. Five years is a long time, but it took many of us (me!) even longer than that to reach a point where we were desperate enough to reach out for help. So at "only" 5 years...congratuations! I liked what LucyintheGarden had to say. I'm going to offer a couple of things that may be worth considering. Take what you like and leave the rest!:

If you attend an Al-Anon meeting, one of the first things that you'll hear is that you didn't cause the alcoholic to drink, you can't control their drinking and you can't cure the alcoholic. By your own admission, you felt like your several rounds of "helping" her detox were helping her shake her addiction. In hindsight I think you see that it was for naught, but just keep that in mind: you can't cure the alcoholic! I've heard it said (and I believe it): The only person that can really talk to or help an alcoholic is another alcoholic. The rest of us just don't understand. That's why AA (and similar groups) are so important, it's really, really tough to kick an addiction by yourself. It's rare to be able to do it on your own.

Another thing you may hear in Al-Anon is that "the craving to drink is merely a symptom of the disease." She may have gotten sober, but she was clearly still suffering from issues that were bigger than she was. I can't imagine what draws someone back to an abusive spouse or boyfriend, but she was clearly "hooked" on that guy. I hate to say it, but kinda the same way you were/are hooked on her.

One last Al-Anon observation...a lot of us have control issues. Before we get in the program we go to great lengths to try and control the people, places and things in our lives. As retired law-enforcement, maybe you can relate to that. After we get in the program, we spend a lot of time learning to let go of that control. Partly because it really doesn't help, partly because it makes us a little crazy, and partly because it often makes us a bit unpleasant to be around...OK, maybe a lot unpleasant.

You may not feel like you need Al-Anon, after all, you've blocked her out of your life. As a counterpoint, I'd suggest that you consider how unmanageable your life must be to have been forced to move, to sell a house you really like and to hide behind blocked phone numbers and social media accounts. Speaking from experience here: Just because you've blocked someone out of your life, it doesn't mean that you've dealt with the underlying issues. Kind of like any addiction, if she showed up on your doorstep today...you'd be right back where you were last time you saw her...with no better tools to deal with her or your thoughts and feelings than you had then. Clearly, she's still on your mind.

If you attend an Al-Anon meeting, you'll find people that truly understand what you've been going through, you'll be able to listen and/or share in a safe, anonymous environment, you'll discover tools for relating to other people that will be really helpful in all aspects of your life...and you'll learn that you don't have to go thru what you've been going thru alone. As an added benefit, sometimes there is coffee and cookies, and almost always there are hugs!

Wishing you nothing but the best,

Mitchema

Wow, there’s some majorly intelligent people on this site! The responses are so good that I feel obligated to respond to everyone of them. You made two points Matt that really struck home. The first one being if she seen me right now, we would be right back where we started from immediately! It would be electric for both of us, and I would quickly regret it, knowing that I was right back in another cycle. The other point you mentioned was about how she was hooked on him. Well, it usually got real bad between those two real fast and it was always toxic all the way through the marriage and through the divorce. However, he knew just how to play her. While she was craving at work, I would talk to her kindly and try to de-escalate her anxiety, or I would bring her a Culver’s concrete Oreo to try to get her mind off the cravings at work. I truly did try to love her the right way. Well……. he would send her a picture of a half a gallon of fireball and a 12 pack of natural light tall boys and ask her if “she’s in!” will you tell me, who’s gonna win?????

Bekindalways

Yep we will never be chosen over an addiction. Even without the toxic Ex-husband she may well have continued to choose alcohol.

Oof, what you write strikes a chord with me Mitch. I adore being the hero and it has taken me a long time to see the arrogance in wanting to help people. I'm not saying all of us here are like this but it has been something I have to come review in myself continually. On the surface this trait looks so good but I can see the dark currents under this compulsion I have.

Mitchema

We are men with honor and that’s why! We find honor in treating our women with respect and dignity and protecting them and providing for them. But with alcoholism, it’s all out the window and therefore becomes a devastating blow to a good man!

Bekindalways

I'm kind of glad you wrote that as I do think it is different for men and women. I'm actually a woman. Of course there are similarities but differences too as being a "man of honor" is a thing as well as "being nurturing" is a thing for women.

There is a book Codependent No More that is a bit of a bible around here. It was written by Melody Beattie who has a pretty wild story both as an addict and a codependent. I am reluctant to recommend it to men as I would think the perspective is a bit different. I keep hoping one of you guys here will write a book for the male half of the species who have learned the hard way to step away from an addict/alcoholic.

I hope you are doing okay today Mitch. The grief from leaving such a relationship can be intense as well as complex.