Newcomer + Al Anon sponsor issue
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Join Date: Jan 2024
Posts: 3
Newcomer + Al Anon sponsor issue
Hi - I'm Emma and new to this Forum.
I'm feeling some grief and am sorting out how to handle something. I've been in Al Anon a couple of decades, have had the same sponsor, and she has been just what I've needed in a sponsor for most of these years. Her aging in the last year has included multiple falls, hospital stays, and increasing cognitive decline. I haven't wanted to "fire" her as she talks about how important being my sponsor is to her (I think I'm her only sponsee left) -- but the truth is she has not acted like a sponsor to me for over a year, and it seems more like roles have reversed. She says and does things that feel hurtful to me, but I also know this is largely related to her cognitive decline and her low mood because of physical decline. Over last 6 months she's had to get care givers after a series of rehab stays - and it is understandably hard for her to lose her prior independence by having these caregivers come in to do very personal tasks for several hours of the day. I've seen and heard her be very critical of the caregivers, and most have left. She's recently been increasingly critical of me. She no longer shows much insight into herself.
I've tried to set boundaries with kindness, including outlining times I cannot come by because I've looked for and found meditation and other activities I've wanted to do in the community.
I could go into greater detail ... but it boils down to my caring for this sponsor, feeling compassion for what she and her partner are going through with this physical and cognitive decline, AND if I'm honest, this is becoming an increasingly unhealthy relationship, and ceased being a Sponsor relationship for at least 9 months. I know I can only control me, and I do not want to say or do anything hurtful, but the negativity coming from her and her partner is becoming difficult to endure, and I'm considering saying something more direct than I have already, or just to gradually fade away with the boundaries I have communicated but seem to be ignored. I guess I'm trying to figure out the best way to detach with love.
I'm feeling some grief and am sorting out how to handle something. I've been in Al Anon a couple of decades, have had the same sponsor, and she has been just what I've needed in a sponsor for most of these years. Her aging in the last year has included multiple falls, hospital stays, and increasing cognitive decline. I haven't wanted to "fire" her as she talks about how important being my sponsor is to her (I think I'm her only sponsee left) -- but the truth is she has not acted like a sponsor to me for over a year, and it seems more like roles have reversed. She says and does things that feel hurtful to me, but I also know this is largely related to her cognitive decline and her low mood because of physical decline. Over last 6 months she's had to get care givers after a series of rehab stays - and it is understandably hard for her to lose her prior independence by having these caregivers come in to do very personal tasks for several hours of the day. I've seen and heard her be very critical of the caregivers, and most have left. She's recently been increasingly critical of me. She no longer shows much insight into herself.
I've tried to set boundaries with kindness, including outlining times I cannot come by because I've looked for and found meditation and other activities I've wanted to do in the community.
I could go into greater detail ... but it boils down to my caring for this sponsor, feeling compassion for what she and her partner are going through with this physical and cognitive decline, AND if I'm honest, this is becoming an increasingly unhealthy relationship, and ceased being a Sponsor relationship for at least 9 months. I know I can only control me, and I do not want to say or do anything hurtful, but the negativity coming from her and her partner is becoming difficult to endure, and I'm considering saying something more direct than I have already, or just to gradually fade away with the boundaries I have communicated but seem to be ignored. I guess I'm trying to figure out the best way to detach with love.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,554
Hi and welcome to SR SearchingEm 
Full disclosure I'm not familiar with sponsoring or AlAnon, but at a purely 'people' level, there may not a be a way to 'detach with love' that your sponsor will like.
I hope better minds than mine have some suggestions, tho
D
Full disclosure I'm not familiar with sponsoring or AlAnon, but at a purely 'people' level, there may not a be a way to 'detach with love' that your sponsor will like.
I hope better minds than mine have some suggestions, tho
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Do you have to completely detach though?
I mean, in Al Anon being of service is important. I know that it's complicated and that being codie-recovered is another layer of complication.
She isn't in any position to be a sponsor. For that part, if you still need one find someone else. I would think that after a couple of decades you would not need a sponsor in Al Anon.
Now it is just about two people - two friends - navigating the decline in health of one of them.
If she has sufficient help around the house, your only "job" is to make her life brighter at this point. They are suffering, she and her partner. I don't think there is any way to repay something like a decades long sponsor, but I hope you'll not just walk away now that she is the one who is in need. Buy flowers. Bring a cupcake. Bring a hug. Ignore her rants and negativity, you know that it's the illness and fear, right? It's not you.
I mean, in Al Anon being of service is important. I know that it's complicated and that being codie-recovered is another layer of complication.
She isn't in any position to be a sponsor. For that part, if you still need one find someone else. I would think that after a couple of decades you would not need a sponsor in Al Anon.
Now it is just about two people - two friends - navigating the decline in health of one of them.
If she has sufficient help around the house, your only "job" is to make her life brighter at this point. They are suffering, she and her partner. I don't think there is any way to repay something like a decades long sponsor, but I hope you'll not just walk away now that she is the one who is in need. Buy flowers. Bring a cupcake. Bring a hug. Ignore her rants and negativity, you know that it's the illness and fear, right? It's not you.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,705
100% agree with Bimini, here.
How can you give back to this lovely person? How can you show love now that it’s needed most?
Meditation is crucial, but its purpose is to connect with Love and prepare my spirit for loving action. To be the hands and feet of my HP in the world.
She was of great service to you. Now she is in need of your care (and forgiveness for her decline).
How can you give back to this lovely person? How can you show love now that it’s needed most?
Meditation is crucial, but its purpose is to connect with Love and prepare my spirit for loving action. To be the hands and feet of my HP in the world.
She was of great service to you. Now she is in need of your care (and forgiveness for her decline).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2024
Posts: 3
Thanks for the replies. What you've suggested is what I've been doing for the last year, and your replies support my efforts. Because it is the relationship, right? It's being there for the friend at a time when she can't/doesn't get out, and she's not doing anything for herself, it is all falling on her partners, and she does have help, but gradually keeps criticizing so much they leave. The bigger challenge, I think, is that both my former sponsor and her partner are in serious denial in terms of her cognitive decline. I have not said "you are not my sponsor" rather if the issue comes up I say something like that our relationship has evolved into more of a friendship, and I keep showing up to spend time with her and to give the partner some respite.
But both of their behavior has become increasingly rigid and critical and negative. Another al anon friend of theirs have stopped coming around after they were critical of the help they said they needed and not having it done was causing them stress and anxiety, so for weeks this other al anon friend went to their home for a couple of hours a week to help. But she's not coming around anymore.
You have hit on exactly the dilemma I'm feeling... I want to show up and be there as a friend and support, and that's what I've been doing this past year. The challenge is it is hard to give back, or even to give, to someone who pushes it and you away because they want to be the sponsor in charge, when they are not (Until recently she never was a power over kind of sponsor). And while I know this is part of the decline and the grief and caregiver stress that my former sponsor and her partner are experiencing, - they are making it hard to even just keep in touch, let alone drop by for a quick chat and bring a little something... And I'm aware I'm in the process of grieving also.
But both of their behavior has become increasingly rigid and critical and negative. Another al anon friend of theirs have stopped coming around after they were critical of the help they said they needed and not having it done was causing them stress and anxiety, so for weeks this other al anon friend went to their home for a couple of hours a week to help. But she's not coming around anymore.
You have hit on exactly the dilemma I'm feeling... I want to show up and be there as a friend and support, and that's what I've been doing this past year. The challenge is it is hard to give back, or even to give, to someone who pushes it and you away because they want to be the sponsor in charge, when they are not (Until recently she never was a power over kind of sponsor). And while I know this is part of the decline and the grief and caregiver stress that my former sponsor and her partner are experiencing, - they are making it hard to even just keep in touch, let alone drop by for a quick chat and bring a little something... And I'm aware I'm in the process of grieving also.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't think it serves any of you to try to correct her or be in any kind of way anything more than what they ask for and it's okay to say, "No," too.
You've decided she's not your sponsor in actions, but you don't have to verbalize that. You also don't have to do anything you don't feel is good for you.
I'd say, keep it short, do a nice thing if you feel you can, otherwise just listen. Ranting, bargaining, denial, and being angry is where they are right now...but you don't have to be angry with them.
God meets us where we are.
This is a good thing to discuss with other Al Anon friends, too.
You've decided she's not your sponsor in actions, but you don't have to verbalize that. You also don't have to do anything you don't feel is good for you.
I'd say, keep it short, do a nice thing if you feel you can, otherwise just listen. Ranting, bargaining, denial, and being angry is where they are right now...but you don't have to be angry with them.
God meets us where we are.
This is a good thing to discuss with other Al Anon friends, too.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,682
Originally Posted by SearchingEm 
they are making it hard to even just keep in touch, let alone drop by for a quick chat and bring a little something... And I'm aware I'm in the process of grieving also.
What I would (personally) do is speak with her partner - never her, about what you have said above. While he or she is carrying a heavy burden, they may not even realize they are putting all this weight on everyone's shoulders, including your former sponsor.
If the partner were more welcoming, wouldn't this all look very different? Maybe this is a gift you can give to your former sponsor? A chat with the partner about what the view is from outside, in the kindest way. If they keep pushing the caregivers away, they may end up with none at all or only the most inexperienced. If they keep pushing friends away, like yourself, they may well run out of friends too.
Of course a chat with him or her might not go well, you know them well, but perhaps something to consider.
Other than that, I would keep my visits short and sweet (15 mins to half an hour once a week) and as cheerful and interesting as I could make it.
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