Thanks for the replies. What you've suggested is what I've been doing for the last year, and your replies support my efforts. Because it is the relationship, right? It's being there for the friend at a time when she can't/doesn't get out, and she's not doing anything for herself, it is all falling on her partners, and she does have help, but gradually keeps criticizing so much they leave. The bigger challenge, I think, is that both my former sponsor and her partner are in serious denial in terms of her cognitive decline. I have not said "you are not my sponsor" rather if the issue comes up I say something like that our relationship has evolved into more of a friendship, and I keep showing up to spend time with her and to give the partner some respite.
But both of their behavior has become increasingly rigid and critical and negative. Another al anon friend of theirs have stopped coming around after they were critical of the help they said they needed and not having it done was causing them stress and anxiety, so for weeks this other al anon friend went to their home for a couple of hours a week to help. But she's not coming around anymore.
You have hit on exactly the dilemma I'm feeling... I want to show up and be there as a friend and support, and that's what I've been doing this past year. The challenge is it is hard to give back, or even to give, to someone who pushes it and you away because they want to be the sponsor in charge, when they are not (Until recently she never was a power over kind of sponsor). And while I know this is part of the decline and the grief and caregiver stress that my former sponsor and her partner are experiencing, - they are making it hard to even just keep in touch, let alone drop by for a quick chat and bring a little something... And I'm aware I'm in the process of grieving also.