Hilde01

My BF who I know loves me with all his heart abruptly broke up with me. He was struggling with sudden delusion resulting to not being able to trust me. It was an absurd and incomprehensible reason. I immediately alarmed his doctor after he advised me to keep it a secret. He blames for for it and says he cannot be with someone he cannot trust. I genuinely only wanted what was best for him. He also attributes the extension of his stay in the halfway house to me, and as a result, he is to be placed back into rehab. Prior to this he was very loving, tender and caring.

I believe in our love for each other and my willingness to support him through thick and thin. But I am left wondering if he truly meant what he said about breaking up and suggested that I start dating other people. This is the 2nd time to relapse, the 1st time he went to rehab because I once again alerted his doctor (which he also blamed me for- we broke up but later found out he didn't mean it). When he was given his phone after no-contact he was thankful I waited for him and things happened as they were. I am worried because it seems like he has put a lot of thought into the breakup and decided on the separation so calmly. Does he really want me to move on I think he will regret it. This all happened so quickly, the morning he broke up with me he was telling me how much he loved me and how much I meant to him and how thankful he was to have me in his life.

Is this attitude standard for recovering addicts? Do you think he will come back or will his distrust for me never fade.

My heart tells me he is going through something deeper than I understand and when his head clears I only meant food for him.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? I would be immensely grateful for any guidance or advice because I am really so confused. What should I do?

trailmix

Hi Hilde. Well, it's kind of impossible to say really.

If you are against the addiction, he will probably see you as the enemy, at least for some time. His drug of choice is really his first love, everything else (including you) is secondary.

I understand you only wanted to help, but you have betrayed him twice, so gaining his trust back would probably be quite a feat, unless he feels differently if he gets sober again.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

I'm not sure how old you are, but is this the kind of relationship you want to deal with for years to come? Do you plan on having children? Active alcoholics make terrible parents. How long have you been together, how long was he sober before he relapsed after his first stay at rehab?

It might be a possibility to revisit the relationship after a year of more of him being sober - IF he is willing. Right now he isn't. I would personally leave him to get on with his own recovery (hopefully).

I think you will find a lot of threads in this forum that you can relate to. You may also want to pick up a copy of the book Codependent no More, by Melody Beattie, there is a lot of information in there about boundaries in relationships which you might find really helpful going forward.

Hilde01

Hi Trailmix!

Thank you for your insight. I am against his addiction and betrayed him for not keeping the secret. What do you think was the right thing to do?

I felt like I made the right choice at the time but looking back maybe I should have trusted him and kept it a secret but this would be at the expense of his downfall with substance. Him letting me go is so hard to accept because I only acted that way because I was worried and cared for him. I really wish he would see that somehow, I am hoping for the best because I truly love him and I am so sure he loves me too. I see it like him and I against the problem not him vs. me.

We are both in our 30's. He has been in and out of rehab for 10 years now. When I met him he was in active addiction to alcohol, he mentioned it but didn't realize what that meant. I do not indulge in alcohol nor substance. Also prior to this abrupt breakup he mentioned he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He loves me for sure. I do not understand this contradicting uncalled for behavior.

suki44883

What it really is, is he and his addiction against you. I know you don't understand that right now, but it is true. His addiction is his first concern. When you try to step between them, it is you who is the enemy. I encourage you to learn as much as you can about addiction, because you need to understand that he will say or do anything to protect his addiction. His breaking up with you has nothing at all to do with you. It is his way of protecting his addiction.
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trailmix

Sometimes people make decisions (like your ex) that they want to continue drinking, even if other people might think that's a really bad idea. But really it's his choice to make. Your choice was to tell his doctor, there is a consequence for that, which you knew.

So that doesn't make anyone right or wrong, it just is.

Addiction protects itself, which is what I mean by you being the "enemy". You are an enemy to the addiction. He wants to protect it.

So you told his doctor, but did you ex want to go to rehab anyway? I mean he couldn't force him to go.

Hilde01

Yes that makes sense, I understand better now. It hurts because I love him so much and am hoping he gets better and comes back to me.

No my ex didn't want to go to rehab initially but he went anyways, he was very loving towards me when we had to part ways and said he still wanted to be with me before they confiscated his phone. The first breakup was when I told the doctor- he was furious but calmed down after a day and we got back together. He was very loving after calming down. When they returned his phone after his time in rehab he was very thankful that I waited and everything to have happened the way they did and even brought up marriage. He just changed so drastically this time I told the doctor he couldn't forgive me. It's hard to live with right now. It's hard to understand because I feel like he loved me more than I love him.

I want that version of him back.

Hilde01

Hi Suki! Thank you for your reply, that makes sense. I am really hoping things get better and he remembers how much I meant to him. I really love him so much.

Ashm

What you are describing is normal, unfortunately. Abnormal in a logical way, but addiction is not normal. I was just told yet again that I can’t be trusted. Last night actually. This has been a common theme since 2018. It’s 2023. I believe it is the result of the addiction and the destruction of rational thought from meth and other drugs, and alcohol.

We are in the process of a divorce and live in different states, and have recently began talking again. What you are describing is what I have and go through on a regular basis.

As others will testify you can’t change this. It’s the addiction and the maladaptive thought process of an addict. Recovery is not the same as being sober and rehab is only the first step.

I recall many retelling their stories and it scared me. I loved him. He loved me, it would get better. While there has been some sober moments, there has not been any recovery so not much has changed. The only positive aspect to this is I began to change. I’ve learned boundaries, to detach with love and joined Alanon and Naranon. I kept hearing nothing changes if nothing changes, and the change starts with me. So I began my own journey.

I so wish I could tell you to hold on, he will get better and all will be well. I really do. My experience is not that. It’s been very difficult and has affected me greatly in many ways. Not good ways. I’m trying to get myself together. I have hope always. But I don’t lie to myself anymore. I did that far too long.

velma929

I married an alcoholic. I thought with a stable, sane, loving partner, he would transition to sobriety, or outgrow his drinking. He never did. I stayed. I loved him. It never changed for the better. I have decided to think "he loved me the best he could." (He has passed away, so there's no one to dispute this.)

"The best he could" was far, far short of ideal - it was short of normal, really. I suspect that what you've experienced is a sample of the life you're signing up for if you wish to stay.

Ashm

Velma, I agree with you. We can’t change them. I thought too, if I loved him, supported him, etc he would get better. I’m 14 years in and nothing changed. Actually it got worse. What is getting better is me. Anything outside of my hoola hoop is not mine. Much love to you for your loss.

Hilde01

Thank you for all your replies. It is very helpful and I am very appreciative of them. May I know based on your experiences if it is normal for an addict to come back after breaking up with you and try to fix the relationship? When he is not on substance he is so sweet and caring. I don't want to lose him but I have to respect his wishes and leave him alone. I am still in disbelief how he could be head over heels in love with me until afternoon and change in the evening. I don't understand it all I know is that he truly loved me.

dbyrer

You describe an active addict doing what active addicts do. Lying. Protecting the addiction. You have no idea what kind of person this guy is when he is not using. Neither does he. What you love is your idea of what he might be like if he became sober. Not reality. Get a copy of the book "codependent no more" and spend some time reading it. Good luck to you.

trailmix

Yes, as velma mentioned, he loves you the best that he can. This is his capacity. Not everyone loves the same way, everyone has a bigger or smaller capacity for love, everyone has a different idea of love (and loyalty etc etc).

If he was thinking properly (which he is clearly not, no addict is) would he have just abruptly broken up with you? Just after talking about how much he loves you and wants to marry you?

It doesn't make sense - because it isn't sensible. If you are around someone dysfunctional long enough, the dysfunctional starts to seem normal, but it's not.

He has been to rehab several times but always goes back to alcohol. Is this the life you want. Do you even really know him sober, does he? Are you sure he was even sober the other times, is it possible he was lying about drinking, hiding it perhaps?

There is getting sober - putting down the drink/drugs and there is getting in to recovery, which is a life long task. Putting the drink down is one thing, getting in to recovery is completely different. It means being HONEST and humble, living life on life's terms not turning for a drink every time something goes wrong, or right. Learning those coping skills for life which he is probably lacking.

That is something he would need to focus on for the rest of his life. Once addicted, to stay in recovery he can never drink again, not even one drink.

It can take a year or more just to heal the damage to the brain and brain chemistry, to start to learn these tools for coping etc. Perhaps giving him time and space for that is best? You can't help him, this is his fight, not yours.

Possibly he broke up with you because he has no intention of quitting, but you can't know that right now. Only time will tell.

edoering

When I was first dealing with the “two different people” confusion, Trailmix sent me this article to read and I STILL go back to it (2 years later now).

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Some thoughts just from hearing your story—1) rehab rarely “works” if the person doesn’t want to go. Recovery has not really started if they don’t want it. 2) In my experience? It’s not typical they will come back, or not on your timeline. I was with my AXH for seven years, he was in recovery and completely sober until the last year. Likewise, he was professing his love for me even as he was leaving me. It has been 2 years, and we don’t speak. 3) The sweet version doesn’t exist without this version also (or at least the risk of this version). He is one, whole, complex person. Sometimes, the same brain that makes someone empathetic and smart and kind is also susceptible to mental illness and addiction. Be very honest with yourself if you are interested in signing up for ALL parts of him for the rest of your life. In recovery, they can learn to manage the addiction so well it’s essentially “in remission,” but that’s HIS battle and right now, he is not fighting for that lifestyle. He’s choosing substances. 4) I recommend focusing on making the choices that make you feel proud of yourself. Telling on him might be the right choice for you, but the wrong choice in his eyes. He might never trust you again for that choice. You can’t control what he thinks or feels. But you can control how YOU think and feel about yourself. Would you rather keep him “happy” knowing you betrayed your own personal moral compass? That you enabled? Or would you rather face the loss of a partner, but know deep down you were true to yourself?

It is jarring, cognitive dissonance is what it’s called, to hold two such seemingly different people in your mind. Two such extremely different behaviors (lovey-dovey to break-up). These extremes can be part of the nature of the beast.

Now that you know he can be both people, how does that affect your choices for yourself?

elizabethmarie8

My heart breaks for you. Your story sounds like the beginning of mine - being broken up with and confused. Getting back together - he didn't mean it. It's good you are here so you can understand what you are dealing with and what to look out for. Unfortunately I didn't really know what I was signing up for and I am currently going through a divorce, 18 years later. I shouldn't have take him back. In 16+ years of marriage, he went to inpatient and AA when I was pregnant with #2, sober for a few years (yay!) and then drinking again, AA when pregnant with #3, then drinking again. Now he has decided that he doesn't want to be married, doesn't believe in marriage. Shortly after he moved out he had a bad episode and admitted himself for inpatient and stayed a full 30 days. He has been out for a couple of weeks and it is still all about him, no apology for completely turning our whole family's life upside down, no gratitude for being a single mother for a month. They are often the victim and anything you do that goes against their wishes (or boundaries) is a slight against them.

The thing is, even if they stop drinking, if they don't put in the work and fully commit to recovery (with AA, completing all the steps, therapy, etc.) chances are they will either find other things to replace alcohol (in my case his was weed, gambling, sex/porn) an/or they eventually relapse.

Everyone is different. Some people do realize they need to get better and they do. Some never do. Just think about if you want to be in a relationship and have a family with the latter. You will always be overfunctioning so that they can underfuction, and it becomes exhausting. It's also probably not what you want for your future children. I love my children and would not have it any other way, but I do wish it was easier for them. Growing up is hard enough as it is.

Have strength and Peace. You can't take care of him. You can support him, but he has to make the decision to get better on his own.