My husband has BPD and abuses alcohol
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Join Date: Aug 2023
Posts: 7
My husband has BPD and abuses alcohol
Hi everyone,
I gotta admit that I never thought I'd be in a forum telling people that my marriage is crumbling because of substance abuse. I don't like to share these things with most people because I don't want anyone to look at my husband differently, but I don't know where else to go and desperately need some support. I'll summarize here so it doesn't turn into a super long post. TRIGGER WARNING: Talk about suicide.
My husband and I have been married for almost two years now, together over three. He's a caring, sensitive man who is very creative and loving. He's had a lot of childhood trauma (as did I, just a different kind) in his past, which has definitely caused many mental health issues throughout his life. When we met, he presented the best version of himself. He even admitted to me earlier this year that he hid parts of who he was and became a different version of himself in hopes that this version would stick. After a year and a half together that version started to crack and he started quitting jobs, drinking a lot, and becoming more and more angry and depressed. We were about to get married and I just thought that my fiance was having mental health issues. Knowing how this feels from personal experience, I stood by him, tried to get him help, and supported him financially. We got married and moved forward. Things got better but only for a time. We made the decision to move to his home state in order to possibly save money, build a tiny house, and create a life for ourselves that was easier on both of our mental health. I realize that by this point I should have been suspicious about his substance abuse, but I had never dealt with that before so I just hoped things would get better. I guess I also naively believed that if I could show enough love and support, it would make a difference.
Fast forward two years, we are living with his family and things haven't exactly gone the way either one of us had thought. Moving to his home state brought back a lot of his old bad habits, especially since it's a small town and drinking is such a pastime here. For two years he's pretty much job-hopped, to my own financial detriment at times. He's a wonderful husband, and there isn't any abuse or neglect, but every 4 to 5 months he goes on these drinking benders and things spiral out of control. Particularly for his own mental health. When these benders happen he lies to me about his drinking, he drives while his drunk, stays out all night in his car drinking and smoking, and gets hopelessly distraught. He almost always wants to end his own life and cannot understand why I am with him. This has happened 4 to 5 times now, and it leaves me with 4-5 months to recover before the next incident. When these episodes happen, I am SO worried about him and my CPTSD goes on hyperdrive. I have to figure out whether he's lying or not, where he's at, and hide what is happening from his family. He turns into a different person that won't listen to me and its incredibly hurtful and scary for me. It feels like every time I'm finally feeling safe within our relationship this happens, which has been kind of traumatic for me. I've felt my trust in him slowly diminish.
The day before yesterday was his latest episode. This one baffled me because we had been doing GREAT in our relationship, he has a stable job he likes enough (granted it's at a vineyard, which I objected to because of alcohol but he promised it wouldn't be a problem), and we are saving to go back to where we were living before we moved to his home state. He has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has been regularly going to therapy, doing his own inner work, reading books, and learning about coping methods. Things seemed to be doing well and he had told me to trust him. He said he had given up drinking for us and his mental health. So when he started acting weird and erratic, lying about drinking and staying out in his car for hours, I was confused but I knew the pattern. It hurts me SO much because we'd discussed how scared it makes me. How unsafe and triggered I feel when this happened. He also knows how badly this affects his mental health...long story short, it was a bad night. He wouldn't listen to me so his mother ended up having to force him inside the house, where he again proceeded to say he wanted to end his life and that he didn't know why I loved him. Hearing these things coming from him tears my heart into shreds because he's such a beautiful person. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I love him so much, and my dream is to grow old together and live happy lives. But the road he is going down does not lead to a happy life together. I can feel it draining me and turning me into someone I'm not. Someone who doesn't trust her husband and is afraid of the next bad thing, all the time.
I've given him an ultimatum, and he says he's gonna start going to AA meetings but still refuses to consider meds for his BPD. He says relapses during recovery are normal, but I can't take more of this crazy 4-5 month cycle of being okay and then everything being unstable. I know he feels terrible about it, but that doesn't really change that he's doing it. He also finds it hard to listen to my feelings because it just makes him feel worse, which then makes me feel so alone and angry. I'm scared I'm going to find my husband dead one day or that I'll get a call about him having a terrible car accident while driving drunk. I'm having nightmares and my own mental health is seriously suffering. I don't know what to do. My plan is to keep saving to move and if by then things aren't at a healthy place, I guess I'll just move by myself? Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I thought this marriage would be a refuge for me but instead it just feels like another thing I have to survive. It's made me feel really bleak about life. Anyways...I'm sorry for the long post.
I gotta admit that I never thought I'd be in a forum telling people that my marriage is crumbling because of substance abuse. I don't like to share these things with most people because I don't want anyone to look at my husband differently, but I don't know where else to go and desperately need some support. I'll summarize here so it doesn't turn into a super long post. TRIGGER WARNING: Talk about suicide.
My husband and I have been married for almost two years now, together over three. He's a caring, sensitive man who is very creative and loving. He's had a lot of childhood trauma (as did I, just a different kind) in his past, which has definitely caused many mental health issues throughout his life. When we met, he presented the best version of himself. He even admitted to me earlier this year that he hid parts of who he was and became a different version of himself in hopes that this version would stick. After a year and a half together that version started to crack and he started quitting jobs, drinking a lot, and becoming more and more angry and depressed. We were about to get married and I just thought that my fiance was having mental health issues. Knowing how this feels from personal experience, I stood by him, tried to get him help, and supported him financially. We got married and moved forward. Things got better but only for a time. We made the decision to move to his home state in order to possibly save money, build a tiny house, and create a life for ourselves that was easier on both of our mental health. I realize that by this point I should have been suspicious about his substance abuse, but I had never dealt with that before so I just hoped things would get better. I guess I also naively believed that if I could show enough love and support, it would make a difference.
Fast forward two years, we are living with his family and things haven't exactly gone the way either one of us had thought. Moving to his home state brought back a lot of his old bad habits, especially since it's a small town and drinking is such a pastime here. For two years he's pretty much job-hopped, to my own financial detriment at times. He's a wonderful husband, and there isn't any abuse or neglect, but every 4 to 5 months he goes on these drinking benders and things spiral out of control. Particularly for his own mental health. When these benders happen he lies to me about his drinking, he drives while his drunk, stays out all night in his car drinking and smoking, and gets hopelessly distraught. He almost always wants to end his own life and cannot understand why I am with him. This has happened 4 to 5 times now, and it leaves me with 4-5 months to recover before the next incident. When these episodes happen, I am SO worried about him and my CPTSD goes on hyperdrive. I have to figure out whether he's lying or not, where he's at, and hide what is happening from his family. He turns into a different person that won't listen to me and its incredibly hurtful and scary for me. It feels like every time I'm finally feeling safe within our relationship this happens, which has been kind of traumatic for me. I've felt my trust in him slowly diminish.
The day before yesterday was his latest episode. This one baffled me because we had been doing GREAT in our relationship, he has a stable job he likes enough (granted it's at a vineyard, which I objected to because of alcohol but he promised it wouldn't be a problem), and we are saving to go back to where we were living before we moved to his home state. He has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has been regularly going to therapy, doing his own inner work, reading books, and learning about coping methods. Things seemed to be doing well and he had told me to trust him. He said he had given up drinking for us and his mental health. So when he started acting weird and erratic, lying about drinking and staying out in his car for hours, I was confused but I knew the pattern. It hurts me SO much because we'd discussed how scared it makes me. How unsafe and triggered I feel when this happened. He also knows how badly this affects his mental health...long story short, it was a bad night. He wouldn't listen to me so his mother ended up having to force him inside the house, where he again proceeded to say he wanted to end his life and that he didn't know why I loved him. Hearing these things coming from him tears my heart into shreds because he's such a beautiful person. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I love him so much, and my dream is to grow old together and live happy lives. But the road he is going down does not lead to a happy life together. I can feel it draining me and turning me into someone I'm not. Someone who doesn't trust her husband and is afraid of the next bad thing, all the time.
I've given him an ultimatum, and he says he's gonna start going to AA meetings but still refuses to consider meds for his BPD. He says relapses during recovery are normal, but I can't take more of this crazy 4-5 month cycle of being okay and then everything being unstable. I know he feels terrible about it, but that doesn't really change that he's doing it. He also finds it hard to listen to my feelings because it just makes him feel worse, which then makes me feel so alone and angry. I'm scared I'm going to find my husband dead one day or that I'll get a call about him having a terrible car accident while driving drunk. I'm having nightmares and my own mental health is seriously suffering. I don't know what to do. My plan is to keep saving to move and if by then things aren't at a healthy place, I guess I'll just move by myself? Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I thought this marriage would be a refuge for me but instead it just feels like another thing I have to survive. It's made me feel really bleak about life. Anyways...I'm sorry for the long post.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 133
I am deeply worried for you, spacebunny, and am glad you have reached out for connection and help. There are so many elements--the mental illness, the abuse of alcohol, the suicidal threats, the narcissistic wall of silence--that I think that as long as you stay in this isolated situation with him, you will yourself be so mentally broken that you will not be able to make good, rational decisions.
If he has Bipolar Disorder, there are books by Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychiatrist, about her experience as someone with that disease. You might take a look to inform yourself better. And it is common that a person with this disorder is unwilling to take medication.
His threats of suicide are similar to those of persons with Borderline Personality Disorder, and in that illness people also have major mood swings, erratic behavior, and abuse of drugs and alcohol. There is a book called Walking On Eggshells. People with this disorder usually refuse to go to therapy, so treatment is often impossible. You might look at this book to see if you see him in it.
It is possible he is not addicted to alcohol, but is simply abusing it in his periods of mental chaos and instability. AA may not be of help to him. Time will tell.
If you have health insurance, my advice is to go to a family physician, tell the doctor what you are dealing with in your life, and the doctor may make a medical referral to a counselor for you for trauma, the sessions probably covered by insurance for 6-8 weeks. It is likely you are by now suffering from PTSD.
You really can do nothing for your husband. He has to have medical treatment. People with Bipolar do commit suicide sometimes when they are on the depression phase and this is impossible to foresee. But if he is threatening to kill himself at a given time and place, you should call 911 for a mental health crisis team to intervene.
I hope others here will be able to offer you some insight from their own experiences. I'm so sorry you are suffering.
If he has Bipolar Disorder, there are books by Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychiatrist, about her experience as someone with that disease. You might take a look to inform yourself better. And it is common that a person with this disorder is unwilling to take medication.
His threats of suicide are similar to those of persons with Borderline Personality Disorder, and in that illness people also have major mood swings, erratic behavior, and abuse of drugs and alcohol. There is a book called Walking On Eggshells. People with this disorder usually refuse to go to therapy, so treatment is often impossible. You might look at this book to see if you see him in it.
It is possible he is not addicted to alcohol, but is simply abusing it in his periods of mental chaos and instability. AA may not be of help to him. Time will tell.
If you have health insurance, my advice is to go to a family physician, tell the doctor what you are dealing with in your life, and the doctor may make a medical referral to a counselor for you for trauma, the sessions probably covered by insurance for 6-8 weeks. It is likely you are by now suffering from PTSD.
You really can do nothing for your husband. He has to have medical treatment. People with Bipolar do commit suicide sometimes when they are on the depression phase and this is impossible to foresee. But if he is threatening to kill himself at a given time and place, you should call 911 for a mental health crisis team to intervene.
I hope others here will be able to offer you some insight from their own experiences. I'm so sorry you are suffering.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I'm glad that you found the forum, lumpyspacebunny. It was a lifesaver for me, and I know it can be a place of support and encouragement for you, too.
My ex suffered from bipolar disorder and alcoholism, as well. He also had a history of family trauma that he kept carefully wrapped away until much later in our relationship. I know now that he wasn't ready to deal with it or admit to it when we were dating/falling in love. I don't think he was trying to be deceitful - just trying to change by pretending......wishful thinking.
I am very familiar with the cycle of pain, fear, anger, hope, anxiety, disappointment, pain, etc.....you describe that repeats itself in active addiction. As I read your post, I just want to tell you that your husband, whatever he may say about recovery, is NOT in recovery. He is in active, spiraling addiction. He doesn't have to agree with my (or your) assessment of this, but it remains true. People emerge from active addiction, change, grow, and succeed. True recovery exists, but he is not in it, and no amount of your love or attention will get him there.
That is a hard truth to accept. I loved my ex SO intensely. Our relationship was remarkable and true and good. He was so kind and reasonable, witty and devoted - surely I could love him enough to convince him that our life together was worth fighting for???? I could not. No one can.
You write that you dream of growing old together, but you recognize that his current condition is incompatible with that dream. Someone once told me, "A dream is not a plan." That's a (kinda harsh) way of saying that you can't wish circumstances away. You CAN plan for the current situation, and it sounds like that's what you are doing by putting away money and plotting a solo move if he doesn't pursue recovery with his whole heart.
So, I guess what I want to say is, it is absolutely normal to mourn the dreams you had for this marriage. It is so heartbreaking to look around you and realize that life is not what you imagined it would be. That sucks. Especially when you are watching someone kill their soul.
As it stands right now, you are in a pickle, and you need to plan a way out of it. Planning and taking action are hard, but I found them much easier than continuing to sit in anxious misery and mourning.
Life has much beauty to offer those who will search for it. You absolutely strike me as a searcher. You can have a beautiful life - there is more for you than this mess.
My ex suffered from bipolar disorder and alcoholism, as well. He also had a history of family trauma that he kept carefully wrapped away until much later in our relationship. I know now that he wasn't ready to deal with it or admit to it when we were dating/falling in love. I don't think he was trying to be deceitful - just trying to change by pretending......wishful thinking.
I am very familiar with the cycle of pain, fear, anger, hope, anxiety, disappointment, pain, etc.....you describe that repeats itself in active addiction. As I read your post, I just want to tell you that your husband, whatever he may say about recovery, is NOT in recovery. He is in active, spiraling addiction. He doesn't have to agree with my (or your) assessment of this, but it remains true. People emerge from active addiction, change, grow, and succeed. True recovery exists, but he is not in it, and no amount of your love or attention will get him there.
That is a hard truth to accept. I loved my ex SO intensely. Our relationship was remarkable and true and good. He was so kind and reasonable, witty and devoted - surely I could love him enough to convince him that our life together was worth fighting for???? I could not. No one can.
You write that you dream of growing old together, but you recognize that his current condition is incompatible with that dream. Someone once told me, "A dream is not a plan." That's a (kinda harsh) way of saying that you can't wish circumstances away. You CAN plan for the current situation, and it sounds like that's what you are doing by putting away money and plotting a solo move if he doesn't pursue recovery with his whole heart.
So, I guess what I want to say is, it is absolutely normal to mourn the dreams you had for this marriage. It is so heartbreaking to look around you and realize that life is not what you imagined it would be. That sucks. Especially when you are watching someone kill their soul.
As it stands right now, you are in a pickle, and you need to plan a way out of it. Planning and taking action are hard, but I found them much easier than continuing to sit in anxious misery and mourning.
Life has much beauty to offer those who will search for it. You absolutely strike me as a searcher. You can have a beautiful life - there is more for you than this mess.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi spacebunny, I'm really sorry you are going through all this. There is a lot to cover, but I'll try to keep it (somewhat) short.
First things first and if you take nothing else away from this I hope you remember this, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Whenever you are in a place of sorrow for him, trying to think of ways to "save" or "fix" him, please remember that. You didn't make him an addict and you can't fix this.
You can't actually trust his words, as you've mentioned. The only thing that means anything is action. So he said he will go to AA, has he been? There are many online meetings every day of the week as well, has he researched that? If not, well, words, not actions.
There is a book that is often recommended here Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, I hope you can get a copy. I think it will really be eye opening and it will help you to shore up your boundaries.
An ultimatum is only as good as the follow up, otherwise that is also just "words". He won't be treated for BPD but he's quite happy to drink copious amounts.
Alcoholism (if he is an alcoholic) is progressive.
Relapses are not "normal". He is either drinking or he isn't, period. He has a pattern. Also, who is to say that he is only drinking then? He lies, he hides in his car, who knows how much he's drinking.
But back to the 3 c's. The only person you can control is yourself. Please don't stick around to have a relationship with his "potential". 20 years from now nothing may have changed (except he might be drinking more and more). Also, I don't know if you were wanting to have a family but active alcoholics make terrible parents. Imagine bringing a child in to this.
Do you have enough saved to leave by yourself? I'm not saying you should divorce him etc etc, but distance from him would be really good for you. It's so important to focus back on yourself. He can take care of himself.
I hope he finds recovery and embraces it and gets treatment for his mental health issues. In the meantime, you don't need to take a front seat on the roller coaster. Perhaps detach and see how it goes.
First things first and if you take nothing else away from this I hope you remember this, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Whenever you are in a place of sorrow for him, trying to think of ways to "save" or "fix" him, please remember that. You didn't make him an addict and you can't fix this.
You can't actually trust his words, as you've mentioned. The only thing that means anything is action. So he said he will go to AA, has he been? There are many online meetings every day of the week as well, has he researched that? If not, well, words, not actions.
There is a book that is often recommended here Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, I hope you can get a copy. I think it will really be eye opening and it will help you to shore up your boundaries.
An ultimatum is only as good as the follow up, otherwise that is also just "words". He won't be treated for BPD but he's quite happy to drink copious amounts.
Alcoholism (if he is an alcoholic) is progressive.
He says relapses during recovery are normal, but I can't take more of this crazy 4-5 month cycle of being okay and then everything being unstable
But back to the 3 c's. The only person you can control is yourself. Please don't stick around to have a relationship with his "potential". 20 years from now nothing may have changed (except he might be drinking more and more). Also, I don't know if you were wanting to have a family but active alcoholics make terrible parents. Imagine bringing a child in to this.
Do you have enough saved to leave by yourself? I'm not saying you should divorce him etc etc, but distance from him would be really good for you. It's so important to focus back on yourself. He can take care of himself.
I hope he finds recovery and embraces it and gets treatment for his mental health issues. In the meantime, you don't need to take a front seat on the roller coaster. Perhaps detach and see how it goes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2023
Posts: 7
Hi Trailmix,
I know this, but in the past (unbeknownst to be until semi-recently) his grandmother has threatened to throw him out of the house for being drunk. I've been scared of getting thrown out too. During my ultimatum, I did tell him I'll no longer be hiding his episodes. If people find out then so be it. I'll figure out a place to sleep.
As far as the money, we've been putting our savings together up until now, but I am going to be saving every penny I can for myself moving forward. I we can just split whatever we've saved together and go our separate ways. If not, I'm sure someone in my family may loan me some money. I have a degree and lots of experience, so I know I can get a decent job back in the state where I was living. But moving is still expensive so I want to make sure I have enough.
And yeah, you're right, I don't know that he isn't drinking in between these episodes. I don't know that he isn't lying, which kills me because that's not the type of dynamic I've cultivated in the relationship. Like a lot of you have said here, I can't control this or cure him. I am at a breaking point and feel like I'm just biding my time so I can get things together to make a move. Just an hour ago he messaged me that he is trading his slightly older fully paid car for a truck. The truck will have a monthly payment, and we are barely making ends meet right now. He says he'll get another job, and that he hasn't made a decision yet. But it hurts that he is telling me about it, not having a conversation about what to do together (as a married couple should).
I know this, but in the past (unbeknownst to be until semi-recently) his grandmother has threatened to throw him out of the house for being drunk. I've been scared of getting thrown out too. During my ultimatum, I did tell him I'll no longer be hiding his episodes. If people find out then so be it. I'll figure out a place to sleep.
As far as the money, we've been putting our savings together up until now, but I am going to be saving every penny I can for myself moving forward. I we can just split whatever we've saved together and go our separate ways. If not, I'm sure someone in my family may loan me some money. I have a degree and lots of experience, so I know I can get a decent job back in the state where I was living. But moving is still expensive so I want to make sure I have enough.
And yeah, you're right, I don't know that he isn't drinking in between these episodes. I don't know that he isn't lying, which kills me because that's not the type of dynamic I've cultivated in the relationship. Like a lot of you have said here, I can't control this or cure him. I am at a breaking point and feel like I'm just biding my time so I can get things together to make a move. Just an hour ago he messaged me that he is trading his slightly older fully paid car for a truck. The truck will have a monthly payment, and we are barely making ends meet right now. He says he'll get another job, and that he hasn't made a decision yet. But it hurts that he is telling me about it, not having a conversation about what to do together (as a married couple should).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2023
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden 
I am deeply worried for you, spacebunny, and am glad you have reached out for connection and help. There are so many elements--the mental illness, the abuse of alcohol, the suicidal threats, the narcissistic wall of silence--that I think that as long as you stay in this isolated situation with him, you will yourself be so mentally broken that you will not be able to make good, rational decisions.
If he has Bipolar Disorder, there are books by Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychiatrist, about her experience as someone with that disease. You might take a look to inform yourself better. And it is common that a person with this disorder is unwilling to take medication.
His threats of suicide are similar to those of persons with Borderline Personality Disorder, and in that illness people also have major mood swings, erratic behavior, and abuse of drugs and alcohol. There is a book called Walking On Eggshells. People with this disorder usually refuse to go to therapy, so treatment is often impossible. You might look at this book to see if you see him in it.
It is possible he is not addicted to alcohol, but is simply abusing it in his periods of mental chaos and instability. AA may not be of help to him. Time will tell.
If you have health insurance, my advice is to go to a family physician, tell the doctor what you are dealing with in your life, and the doctor may make a medical referral to a counselor for you for trauma, the sessions probably covered by insurance for 6-8 weeks. It is likely you are by now suffering from PTSD.
You really can do nothing for your husband. He has to have medical treatment. People with Bipolar do commit suicide sometimes when they are on the depression phase and this is impossible to foresee. But if he is threatening to kill himself at a given time and place, you should call 911 for a mental health crisis team to intervene.
I hope others here will be able to offer you some insight from their own experiences. I'm so sorry you are suffering.
If he has Bipolar Disorder, there are books by Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychiatrist, about her experience as someone with that disease. You might take a look to inform yourself better. And it is common that a person with this disorder is unwilling to take medication.
His threats of suicide are similar to those of persons with Borderline Personality Disorder, and in that illness people also have major mood swings, erratic behavior, and abuse of drugs and alcohol. There is a book called Walking On Eggshells. People with this disorder usually refuse to go to therapy, so treatment is often impossible. You might look at this book to see if you see him in it.
It is possible he is not addicted to alcohol, but is simply abusing it in his periods of mental chaos and instability. AA may not be of help to him. Time will tell.
If you have health insurance, my advice is to go to a family physician, tell the doctor what you are dealing with in your life, and the doctor may make a medical referral to a counselor for you for trauma, the sessions probably covered by insurance for 6-8 weeks. It is likely you are by now suffering from PTSD.
You really can do nothing for your husband. He has to have medical treatment. People with Bipolar do commit suicide sometimes when they are on the depression phase and this is impossible to foresee. But if he is threatening to kill himself at a given time and place, you should call 911 for a mental health crisis team to intervene.
I hope others here will be able to offer you some insight from their own experiences. I'm so sorry you are suffering.
I will check out the books you've recommended.
AA may not help and I'm not even sure if he will stick with it anyways. I want to believe the best of him because I love him and he's not a bad person, but...the reality is, this is a bad situation. I actually have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will mention what is happening. Perhaps they may lead me to some local resources. I'm also going to research Borderline Personality Disorder for further knowledge.
Thank you for your kindness.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by lumpyspacebunny
Just an hour ago he messaged me that he is trading his slightly older fully paid car for a truck. The truck will have a monthly payment, and we are barely making ends meet right now. He says he'll get another job, and that he hasn't made a decision yet. But it hurts that he is telling me about it, not having a conversation about what to do together (as a married couple should).
It's also this kind of thing that will keep you trapped. This move by him indicates he is in no hurry to go anywhere.
What he is saying and what he is doing can be two different things. An addicted mindset is not a stable mindset.
I love him so much, and my dream is to grow old together and live happy lives. But the road he is going down does not lead to a happy life together. I can feel it draining me and turning me into someone I'm not.
It can be all too easy to look at a person as "good" parts and "bad" parts/traits. He is all of these things. We want to hold on to the good and hope the bad traits get fixed. I can see you are fighting against that and I commend you for that. We never want to set ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm.
The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Fear, obligation, guilt (FOG). Why can't he just quit? Are you not "enough"? If he really loved you wouldn't he try? Well no, not necessarily, because this is about a drug, it actually has nothing to do with you (as strange as that seems).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2023
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
I'm glad that you found the forum, lumpyspacebunny. It was a lifesaver for me, and I know it can be a place of support and encouragement for you, too.
My ex suffered from bipolar disorder and alcoholism, as well. He also had a history of family trauma that he kept carefully wrapped away until much later in our relationship. I know now that he wasn't ready to deal with it or admit to it when we were dating/falling in love. I don't think he was trying to be deceitful - just trying to change by pretending......wishful thinking.
I am very familiar with the cycle of pain, fear, anger, hope, anxiety, disappointment, pain, etc.....you describe that repeats itself in active addiction. As I read your post, I just want to tell you that your husband, whatever he may say about recovery, is NOT in recovery. He is in active, spiraling addiction. He doesn't have to agree with my (or your) assessment of this, but it remains true. People emerge from active addiction, change, grow, and succeed. True recovery exists, but he is not in it, and no amount of your love or attention will get him there.
That is a hard truth to accept. I loved my ex SO intensely. Our relationship was remarkable and true and good. He was so kind and reasonable, witty and devoted - surely I could love him enough to convince him that our life together was worth fighting for???? I could not. No one can.
You write that you dream of growing old together, but you recognize that his current condition is incompatible with that dream. Someone once told me, "A dream is not a plan." That's a (kinda harsh) way of saying that you can't wish circumstances away. You CAN plan for the current situation, and it sounds like that's what you are doing by putting away money and plotting a solo move if he doesn't pursue recovery with his whole heart.
So, I guess what I want to say is, it is absolutely normal to mourn the dreams you had for this marriage. It is so heartbreaking to look around you and realize that life is not what you imagined it would be. That sucks. Especially when you are watching someone kill their soul.
As it stands right now, you are in a pickle, and you need to plan a way out of it. Planning and taking action are hard, but I found them much easier than continuing to sit in anxious misery and mourning.
Life has much beauty to offer those who will search for it. You absolutely strike me as a searcher. You can have a beautiful life - there is more for you than this mess.
My ex suffered from bipolar disorder and alcoholism, as well. He also had a history of family trauma that he kept carefully wrapped away until much later in our relationship. I know now that he wasn't ready to deal with it or admit to it when we were dating/falling in love. I don't think he was trying to be deceitful - just trying to change by pretending......wishful thinking.
I am very familiar with the cycle of pain, fear, anger, hope, anxiety, disappointment, pain, etc.....you describe that repeats itself in active addiction. As I read your post, I just want to tell you that your husband, whatever he may say about recovery, is NOT in recovery. He is in active, spiraling addiction. He doesn't have to agree with my (or your) assessment of this, but it remains true. People emerge from active addiction, change, grow, and succeed. True recovery exists, but he is not in it, and no amount of your love or attention will get him there.
That is a hard truth to accept. I loved my ex SO intensely. Our relationship was remarkable and true and good. He was so kind and reasonable, witty and devoted - surely I could love him enough to convince him that our life together was worth fighting for???? I could not. No one can.
You write that you dream of growing old together, but you recognize that his current condition is incompatible with that dream. Someone once told me, "A dream is not a plan." That's a (kinda harsh) way of saying that you can't wish circumstances away. You CAN plan for the current situation, and it sounds like that's what you are doing by putting away money and plotting a solo move if he doesn't pursue recovery with his whole heart.
So, I guess what I want to say is, it is absolutely normal to mourn the dreams you had for this marriage. It is so heartbreaking to look around you and realize that life is not what you imagined it would be. That sucks. Especially when you are watching someone kill their soul.
As it stands right now, you are in a pickle, and you need to plan a way out of it. Planning and taking action are hard, but I found them much easier than continuing to sit in anxious misery and mourning.
Life has much beauty to offer those who will search for it. You absolutely strike me as a searcher. You can have a beautiful life - there is more for you than this mess.
Your experience sounds so similar to mine.
"A dream is not a plan" is such a good thing to keep in mind as I move through this situation. I keep asking myself if I'm overreacting (because he sometimes makes me feel like that), or if things aren't really that bad. But if I am feeling like the light inside of me is fading, it isn't good. I've reached out to my dad and some friends and have told them about the situation. It's hard for me to because I never wanted anyone to see me as a failure in my marriage, but I have to have some resources in case I need to quickly go somewhere. I honestly can't believe I'm even thinking about this and planning to leave, but if I'm honest with myself I'd seen this coming for a while.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
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Originally Posted by lumpyspacebunny
I keep asking myself if I'm overreacting (because he sometimes makes me feel like that), or if things aren't really that bad. But if I am feeling like the light inside of me is fading, it isn't good. I've reached out to my dad and some friends and have told them about the situation. It's hard for me to because I never wanted anyone to see me as a failure in my marriage, but I have to have some resources in case I need to quickly go somewhere. I honestly can't believe I'm even thinking about this and planning to leave, but if I'm honest with myself I'd seen this coming for a while.
You are not overreacting. Your heart knows the truth.
Eventually, despite my love for my husband, I found myself daydreaming about my own peaceful little apartment away from all of the addiction drama and sleepless nights. I wanted oak floors and bright windows. I started looking at classified ads, and one day, I found an old, little-bitty house for rent near my college campus. It was a safe neighborhood close to a park. It had an ancient cast iron tub and vintage black and white tile in the bathroom. I could afford it (barely). I still smile when I think about that little house!
That was the beginning of my beginning. My first marriage ended, but my life continues!!!! That portion of my life was very painful, but life today is ABUNDANT.
Start dreaming about safety, respect, trust, and kindness. Dream about a job that you enjoy. Dream about close relationships with your family and nights visiting with your friends. Dream about reading good books on your own couch wrapped in your favorite blanket. Dream about trips to fun places. Dream about beautiful, reciprocal love. You may have to say goodbye to some of your old dreams, but you get to make new ones!!!!
I'm giving you big hugs through the computer. This stuff is tough. You can do it!
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Join Date: Aug 2023
Posts: 7
Just a little update:
He went to his first recovery meeting last night. He said he found it helpful and got some resources. We shall see what happens.
I didn’t realize this before, but apparently he was so drunk the other night that he fell into a wall and got injured in other ways. He pretty much doesn’t remember most of what happened. It all just makes me so sad. I don’t even have anything to say to him and it makes me feel so guilty that im weighing my options while he seems to be trying to win me back or whatever.
I don’t want to be mean to him or make him feel unwanted. He’s my husband and I love him! But the emotions inside of me are so confusing. I just want to be left alone and I feel my heart broken. It makes me feel guilty cause he’s trying to spend time with me (we usually do a lot of things together) and I really don’t feel like being around him right now.
He went to his first recovery meeting last night. He said he found it helpful and got some resources. We shall see what happens.
I didn’t realize this before, but apparently he was so drunk the other night that he fell into a wall and got injured in other ways. He pretty much doesn’t remember most of what happened. It all just makes me so sad. I don’t even have anything to say to him and it makes me feel so guilty that im weighing my options while he seems to be trying to win me back or whatever.
I don’t want to be mean to him or make him feel unwanted. He’s my husband and I love him! But the emotions inside of me are so confusing. I just want to be left alone and I feel my heart broken. It makes me feel guilty cause he’s trying to spend time with me (we usually do a lot of things together) and I really don’t feel like being around him right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by lumpyspacebunny
Just a little update:
He went to his first recovery meeting last night. He said he found it helpful and got some resources. We shall see what happens.
I didn’t realize this before, but apparently he was so drunk the other night that he fell into a wall and got injured in other ways. He pretty much doesn’t remember most of what happened. It all just makes me so sad. I don’t even have anything to say to him and it makes me feel so guilty that im weighing my options while he seems to be trying to win me back or whatever.
I don’t want to be mean to him or make him feel unwanted. He’s my husband and I love him! But the emotions inside of me are so confusing. I just want to be left alone and I feel my heart broken. It makes me feel guilty cause he’s trying to spend time with me (we usually do a lot of things together) and I really don’t feel like being around him right now.
He went to his first recovery meeting last night. He said he found it helpful and got some resources. We shall see what happens.
I didn’t realize this before, but apparently he was so drunk the other night that he fell into a wall and got injured in other ways. He pretty much doesn’t remember most of what happened. It all just makes me so sad. I don’t even have anything to say to him and it makes me feel so guilty that im weighing my options while he seems to be trying to win me back or whatever.
I don’t want to be mean to him or make him feel unwanted. He’s my husband and I love him! But the emotions inside of me are so confusing. I just want to be left alone and I feel my heart broken. It makes me feel guilty cause he’s trying to spend time with me (we usually do a lot of things together) and I really don’t feel like being around him right now.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 133
spacebunny, what he is doing is called "hoovering." It is a common reaction from addicts/alcoholics/disordered people when they sense the spouse is seriously about to change the status quo. Just be careful not to read his behavior as a mature and honest attempt to improve your marriage.
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Location: maine
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You've heard from those who got out - I can tell you what it was like to stay.
I never had the guts to leave. My husband's descent was not so dramatic. It was easier, maybe to think that things would not get worse (but they did). For the first few years we were married, he was employed, and although I realized he had a problem, I doubt many other people did. He was employed. But he did get an OUI early on, and there were times he called in sick because he was hungover.
His employer was bought out by another company, and he took advantage of this period of unemplyment to just drink - a lot. He didn't look for work at all. I had to really push him, as the end of the payments drew near, to apply for anything. He found a job --just-- before his unemployment ran out. It was a job he hated, but he did it. Unfortunately, now his drinking consumed more of his attention and became a priority. That meant he was doing zero to find something he DID like. Toward the end of this job, his drinking was out of control: he was irritable in the morning, hungover often. His job offered flex time, so there was about a two hour window for going in in the morning, but he wasn't putting in the hours, some days he was gone barely six hours. His supervisor tried to salvage the situation, but admitted that not only was AH only there about 30 hours a week, even when he was at work, he was away form his desk so much his colleagues had a hard time contacting him when they needed him. He was fired after about twelve years.
He had two more jobs after that, fired after a year or two at each one, and of course, stretches of unemployment, (The employers didn't charge him with insubordination or anything, and didn't dispute his claim in any way, so yes, he was collecting.) And although our home was paid for (no mortgage) the unemployment didn't cover his half of the bills, once his beer and cigarettes were purchased. (I am only guessing, but I think he was drinking between 12 and 18 beers a day.) In fact, he was withdrawing money from his retirement account which was increasing our taxes. He didn't tell me, our tax preparer told me.
For me it was just more and more depressing, until I started to detach. AH didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that would interfere with getting a drink. He was irritable and unhappy and argumentative most of the time. Eventually, I pretty much stopped talking to him at all, once I realized that often he was just picking fights. On the occasions I agreed with him, he would somehow switch sides so we were still at odds. Most of my verbalizations were just murmuring "Mmmhmm" to whatever he said. AH was diagnosed with cancer about the time I decided enough was enough - literally the day I decided to get my act together and make a plan to leave. He died about eight weeks later.
I often say I miss the man I married, but that person started disappearing long before he died. We were lucky that of the two OUIs he had, neither was an accident that took a life or hurt anyone. AH dodged a bullet on the second one: our state has much harsher punishments for someone who accrues two OUis within ten years, and he had just barely passed the ten-year mark when he got the second.
If I could talk to my 27-year-old self, I would say, "Yes, he's brilliant and charismatic, yes, he adores you, but there will be others, I promise." Starting over single at fifty-something is not as much fun as dating when I was in my twenties.(unless ruminating on how so many have come so undone is a dream come true for you) On the plus side, I see others for what they are now, not for the 'potential.'
I never had the guts to leave. My husband's descent was not so dramatic. It was easier, maybe to think that things would not get worse (but they did). For the first few years we were married, he was employed, and although I realized he had a problem, I doubt many other people did. He was employed. But he did get an OUI early on, and there were times he called in sick because he was hungover.
His employer was bought out by another company, and he took advantage of this period of unemplyment to just drink - a lot. He didn't look for work at all. I had to really push him, as the end of the payments drew near, to apply for anything. He found a job --just-- before his unemployment ran out. It was a job he hated, but he did it. Unfortunately, now his drinking consumed more of his attention and became a priority. That meant he was doing zero to find something he DID like. Toward the end of this job, his drinking was out of control: he was irritable in the morning, hungover often. His job offered flex time, so there was about a two hour window for going in in the morning, but he wasn't putting in the hours, some days he was gone barely six hours. His supervisor tried to salvage the situation, but admitted that not only was AH only there about 30 hours a week, even when he was at work, he was away form his desk so much his colleagues had a hard time contacting him when they needed him. He was fired after about twelve years.
He had two more jobs after that, fired after a year or two at each one, and of course, stretches of unemployment, (The employers didn't charge him with insubordination or anything, and didn't dispute his claim in any way, so yes, he was collecting.) And although our home was paid for (no mortgage) the unemployment didn't cover his half of the bills, once his beer and cigarettes were purchased. (I am only guessing, but I think he was drinking between 12 and 18 beers a day.) In fact, he was withdrawing money from his retirement account which was increasing our taxes. He didn't tell me, our tax preparer told me.
For me it was just more and more depressing, until I started to detach. AH didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that would interfere with getting a drink. He was irritable and unhappy and argumentative most of the time. Eventually, I pretty much stopped talking to him at all, once I realized that often he was just picking fights. On the occasions I agreed with him, he would somehow switch sides so we were still at odds. Most of my verbalizations were just murmuring "Mmmhmm" to whatever he said. AH was diagnosed with cancer about the time I decided enough was enough - literally the day I decided to get my act together and make a plan to leave. He died about eight weeks later.
I often say I miss the man I married, but that person started disappearing long before he died. We were lucky that of the two OUIs he had, neither was an accident that took a life or hurt anyone. AH dodged a bullet on the second one: our state has much harsher punishments for someone who accrues two OUis within ten years, and he had just barely passed the ten-year mark when he got the second.
If I could talk to my 27-year-old self, I would say, "Yes, he's brilliant and charismatic, yes, he adores you, but there will be others, I promise." Starting over single at fifty-something is not as much fun as dating when I was in my twenties.(unless ruminating on how so many have come so undone is a dream come true for you) On the plus side, I see others for what they are now, not for the 'potential.'
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Join Date: Aug 2023
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First of all, I want to thank everyone who has replied to me so far. I don’t have many close relationships with the women in my family, but this has given me that feminine support I’ve been craving. (I also went to see the Barbie movie last night on my own, and that surprisingly felt very healing too.) I invite more people to share their thoughts and input.
if I’m being honest, I already know what I must do but I’m sort of fighting it. It’s a very confusing place to be emotionally. He and I have been having some very honest conversations. Mostly because he’s seen the changes in me and has asked. it’s been very hard to be open and honest without worrying how it might set him back or cause him to want to drink again. He’s asked me if I’ve talked to anyone about what has happened, and I let him know that some friends and family members Know now because I need support and safety. That really messed him up (specially knowing my dad knows) and he just sat in a chair in silence for the rest of the night.
I work at a library so I’ve ordered some of the books that have been suggested on this thread. I also found some good podcasts that helped to ask myself some serious questions about this relationship.
I’m pretty much stuck living with him and his family in this state (wages are low here but rent is SO high which is crazy) so I’m looking for jobs in the state where I used to live. I might start quietly packing some things. I haven’t really made a decision yet but as you can see…I’m moving in a certain direction. This is all feels so surreal. He asked me if I wanted to start going to couples counseling but…idk. I don’t know if I want to try to patch this up because I no longer feel like this is a safe relationship for me emotionally and mentally.
if I’m being honest, I already know what I must do but I’m sort of fighting it. It’s a very confusing place to be emotionally. He and I have been having some very honest conversations. Mostly because he’s seen the changes in me and has asked. it’s been very hard to be open and honest without worrying how it might set him back or cause him to want to drink again. He’s asked me if I’ve talked to anyone about what has happened, and I let him know that some friends and family members Know now because I need support and safety. That really messed him up (specially knowing my dad knows) and he just sat in a chair in silence for the rest of the night.
I work at a library so I’ve ordered some of the books that have been suggested on this thread. I also found some good podcasts that helped to ask myself some serious questions about this relationship.
I’m pretty much stuck living with him and his family in this state (wages are low here but rent is SO high which is crazy) so I’m looking for jobs in the state where I used to live. I might start quietly packing some things. I haven’t really made a decision yet but as you can see…I’m moving in a certain direction. This is all feels so surreal. He asked me if I wanted to start going to couples counseling but…idk. I don’t know if I want to try to patch this up because I no longer feel like this is a safe relationship for me emotionally and mentally.
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