Lykkeborg

Hi all. I’m new here, and hope with your opinions I can get some clarity.. I met this incredible guy through Tinder a few months ago, and we quickly fell in love. From the very very beginning, he was very honest with me. He told me that in his past he had drugs and drinking problems, but decided 10 months ago to change his life. Every since he’s been going to AA meetings 3 times a week, while working Monday to Sunday. When we met, we fell in love. Nothing has ever felt so right. We talked about everything, and told each other 100% the truth about everything, past, present, future. We got into an official relationship 1.5 months ago, and it’s been incredible. Yeah there are tough days, but it’s normal. 1.5 week ago he came to me and said that he didn’t feel he had enough time for himself and the things he wanted to do, because we spend a lot of time. I completely understood that and respected it, so we cut down a bit on our time, so he would also have time for himself. Since giving him more of his own space, he’s been a little distant.. Not texting as much as usual, not as caring as usual. We haven’t seen each other in 5 days now as I had to travel for my sport. Then today something felt really off. I told him, that I’m there for him, I love him, and whatever he’s struggling with, I am there to help. He then said he’s not well in his head, and that we could talk later, because he quickly wanted to go to an extra AA meeting. Later tonight he called me, and started by saying “I have never felt so happy with anyone. I’ve never been so in love, and I’ve never felt so appreciated by anyone. You make me feel like a better person, and I love you so much. BUT I am not ready for a relationship. I am afraid of hurting you. I am a recovering alcoholic, and you deserve better”. I told him, I understand that it’s hard for him. I told him I will never be able to understand what’s going on in his mind, but I’m here for it all, and will always support him, help him and love him. And that I was not afraid. That there will be tough days, but I want this with him. Because I know he’s the one for me. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. But all he kept saying was “I’m not ready for a relationship, I’m sorry” and we both cried a lot.. I don’t understand why he broke up.. I really don’t.. Tomorow we are meeting to talk in person to not finish with bad mood.. But I don’t want to loose him.. But I don’t want to convince someone to stay in a relationship they don’t want.. But if he’s so happy with me, why did he break up?

trailmix

Hi Lykke, glad you found the forum but sorry for what brings you here, of course. I'm sure you are very hurt and confused.

He did actually tell you why he broke up with you. He is happy with you - as in you the person you are - but he can't handle the relationship, two different things. It doesn't sound like he means you personally at all, but that doesn't change how he feels about how he's doing.

His sobriety, if that is the issue, is the most important thing to him, it has to be. He's only been sober for 10 months and while that's really good, it's not that long. He may not have as solid a footing in sobriety as he wants to achieve and that he needs. He may not have realized that until now.

Hopefully when you meet tomorrow you will get more clarity.

RunningScared

He wants to take care of himself before he takes care of someone else. He's been brutally honest about why he wants to end the relationship. Ending relationships always sucks, but there is nothing you can do to change the situation. These things just take time.

BlownOne

There are few things that frighten an alcoholic or addict more than the thought of navigating a mature and responsible relationship. We don't do well with them unless there is a pretty radical shift in perspective and a whole lot of healthy recovery time under the belt. I know it hurts to say this, but I think he was actually doing you a huge favor. He was being honest about what he's capable of offering you right now, and a relationship isn't one of those things. And as another poster mentioned, it's not really about you. It's about what he can facilitate. Look at it this way: I can be a world class running athlete, but if I hurt my ankle, I'm not going to be able to run, no matter how much I want to or even how good I am at it. It's not the best example, but you get the gist. Maybe in time with more recovery he will be able to offer what you'd like to have, but for right now, it really is something he needs to figure out on his own. And it does suck. Hugs to you.

Eauchiche

1. You only met a few months ago.
2. He told you the truth.

Hawkeye13

For many alcoholics, recovery is literally a matter of life or death, survival or self-sabotage, sobriety or relapse.

In early recovery, where he still is, sobriety is a fragile thing and it may be taking all his attention / bandwidth to maintain and grow it.
Relationships can wonderful and rewarding, but they also involve great risk and maintenance to thrive.

He is being honest with what he can and cannot do at this time—please try to respect and understand that this isn’t a rejection, but him trying to take care of himself—something we alcoholics are famously bad at doing.

seekingcalm

As hard as this is for you, he is really doing a wonderful thing for himself, and for you. You would be giving him a wonderful gift if you let him go graciously.

silentrun

He's not out of the woods yet. It really is on your best interest to leave him alone for another year at least even if he didn't say it first.