Beth38

My alcoholic partner and I split up 3 months ago, ending a 2.5 year relationship. This was the third time we split up for the same reasons, and recently my ex has been asking if we can reunite, even though she still insists that she will not stop drinking - and I have been very clear that that this time round, total sobriety is a non-negotiable for me.

The part of me that still holds a deep love (and hope) for her, wants to believe her when she says she can drink moderately; even though I know this not be true.

I am really struggling with this break up and to emotionally detach, to the point where I have decided to move to another country for 6 months to give myself time to heal and to not get pulled back into the same dynamic, because we have been unable to break off contact and we live in a small city, 200m away from each other.

I am fortunate to have supportive friends, a good therapist and I joined Al-Anon when we split up. But there are days where I feel completely overwhelmed by sadness, unlike anything I've felt with any other break-up before. My inability to let go of the hope that she will stop drinking has caused me a great amount of despair.

Hatguysgirl

It's hard. It's coming up on 6 months since the split with my stbxah, and I too still have days where I'm overwhelmed with sadness about the situation. I think leaving for 6 months sounds great to give yourself some distance. Do you have a plan to be able to continue with alanon while you're gone? There are online meetings, which I have found extremely helpful since I have 4 kids and can't get out on my own regularly.

Keep strong with your resolution for complete abstinence before you consider reconciliation. We all know that addicts cannot moderate, as much as we all wish they could. If my husband could have moderated ANY of his addictions then we wouldn't be in this situation, but whenever he cut back on one addiction another one would become an issue. He was just substituting one thing for another, not actually working on the problem. I wish I had seen that years ago.

This is the only relationship for me as well that I've had trouble letting go of. In other relationships I realized that it wasn't for me any more and had no problem being okay with moving on. I suspect it's hard this time because I know that our relationship itself isn't the problem, it's the addiction. If we didn't mesh, then it would be much easier to let go, it's the fact that the issues are because of other factors, and somewhere in the back of my mind because I don't have a problem not drinking/anything else I feel like it should be easy for him to just stop. Even though I know that's not the case.

trailmix

Hi Beth, I also think taking that 6 months away is a really good idea to help get clarity.

No, alcoholics cannot moderate, although that is the wish of so many alcoholics (and their families).

This is a thread posted in another forum here, you might find some of it familiar:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)

As you know, you are at a total impasse, this is not the person for you, sadly. The truth is, you don't really know her as a "sober" person. Sometimes we can think if the person would just put down those drinks all would be well. Generally, that's not necessarily true. First of all there is the addiction, but aside from that, people who drink a lot probably started drinking for a reason, depression, anxiety, social awkwardness, could be any reason. Once you take away their drug of choice, they have to build a whole new life for themselves, they have to change, change is hard. They may not even be who you thought they were.

It's going to take time to heal from this, but it will happen, you will get through this. I hope you keep posting too, lots of support for you here.