Kicking Alcoholic Ex-BF Out?
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Join Date: Mar 2023
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Kicking Alcoholic Ex-BF Out?
Hi everyone, I'm new here and am posting because I need some kind of encouragement or direction right now.
For context, I (24F) and my ex (46M) had been dating for about 9 months up until a couple of weeks ago. Since we started dating, it started becoming clearer and clearer to me that he had an alcohol problem (and he openly admitted so to me). He moved in with me very shortly after we started dating and quit his job, and around the same time life just started to fall apart for the both of us.
Fast forward to today, and his drinking has gotten so bad that he's not even the same person when he drinks. He doesn't remember conversations we have, drinks behind my back with alcohol he steals, blacks out or falls asleep all the time, is incoherent much of the time, accuses me of lying about stuff, and is generally just an a$$hole when he drinks. After we broke up, I told him the only way he could keep living with me was to stop drinking, and he promised he would, and now he's drinking again just a few days later.
Every time I try kicking him out, which I have several times over the past 2-ish weeks, he conveniently falls asleep from drinking or says he can't because the shelters are closed or promises to do better. But he won't leave. I've packed up all his stuff, screamed at him to leave, explained why he's leaving, offered to give him an Uber somewhere, etc., and he absolutely refuses. I have given him chance after chance after chance, and he throws every chance away and then makes me out to be the bad guy or just pretends like it's not even a big deal.
He tells me he drinks because of depression, assures me it's not my fault, like it's supposed to make his behavior okay. I'm also an alcoholic (no alcohol in about 3 months), so I *get it* to some extent, but once I realized how much trouble my drinking caused for him (there was an episode I'm not proud of), I quit. I'm angry because he has really effed up my life and my finances, and he refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
I plan on kicking him out for good tonight, but I don't want him to be homeless. He's been homeless before, and I don't want him to have to face it again. I know there are shelters around and other support systems (plus friends and family) he could fall back on, but he just absolutely refuses to get a hold of anyone and finally just leave.
How can I get him out of the apartment? And how can I stop feeling like a terrible person about it? I feel like I'm some bad person who somehow drove him to drinking and is now abandoning him when he needs me, and I can't shake the feeling. But I can't have him living here anymore, I'm so sick and tired of everything and I have to rebuild my life (he caused me to go waaaay into debt these past few months and almost drove *me* to homelessness).
I'm sorry this is rambling, I'm just feeling so angry and guilty and frustrated. I don't handle conflict well, and I've always been a pushover/people pleaser. And I really love him and care about him, so it's so hard for me to actually kick him out knowing he'll probably end up homeless again.
For context, I (24F) and my ex (46M) had been dating for about 9 months up until a couple of weeks ago. Since we started dating, it started becoming clearer and clearer to me that he had an alcohol problem (and he openly admitted so to me). He moved in with me very shortly after we started dating and quit his job, and around the same time life just started to fall apart for the both of us.
Fast forward to today, and his drinking has gotten so bad that he's not even the same person when he drinks. He doesn't remember conversations we have, drinks behind my back with alcohol he steals, blacks out or falls asleep all the time, is incoherent much of the time, accuses me of lying about stuff, and is generally just an a$$hole when he drinks. After we broke up, I told him the only way he could keep living with me was to stop drinking, and he promised he would, and now he's drinking again just a few days later.
Every time I try kicking him out, which I have several times over the past 2-ish weeks, he conveniently falls asleep from drinking or says he can't because the shelters are closed or promises to do better. But he won't leave. I've packed up all his stuff, screamed at him to leave, explained why he's leaving, offered to give him an Uber somewhere, etc., and he absolutely refuses. I have given him chance after chance after chance, and he throws every chance away and then makes me out to be the bad guy or just pretends like it's not even a big deal.
He tells me he drinks because of depression, assures me it's not my fault, like it's supposed to make his behavior okay. I'm also an alcoholic (no alcohol in about 3 months), so I *get it* to some extent, but once I realized how much trouble my drinking caused for him (there was an episode I'm not proud of), I quit. I'm angry because he has really effed up my life and my finances, and he refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
I plan on kicking him out for good tonight, but I don't want him to be homeless. He's been homeless before, and I don't want him to have to face it again. I know there are shelters around and other support systems (plus friends and family) he could fall back on, but he just absolutely refuses to get a hold of anyone and finally just leave.
How can I get him out of the apartment? And how can I stop feeling like a terrible person about it? I feel like I'm some bad person who somehow drove him to drinking and is now abandoning him when he needs me, and I can't shake the feeling. But I can't have him living here anymore, I'm so sick and tired of everything and I have to rebuild my life (he caused me to go waaaay into debt these past few months and almost drove *me* to homelessness).
I'm sorry this is rambling, I'm just feeling so angry and guilty and frustrated. I don't handle conflict well, and I've always been a pushover/people pleaser. And I really love him and care about him, so it's so hard for me to actually kick him out knowing he'll probably end up homeless again.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hi tabby. How you get him out will depend on the laws where you live. If he has been there a while and has mail coming there etc, he may be considered a tenant. I would look up the tenancy rules for your jurisdiction first. If that is all free and clear, you can just change the locks next time he goes out, it will be money well spent. Barring that, there should be an eviction procedure which your tenant's board should have information on.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
He isn't paying for anything, so first things first, if you are supporting him in any way (alcohol, food, pepsi!) that needs to stop today. Take all your food and lock it up in your room. I suspect if he can't eat there, he will wander off.
You may feel guilty, but it's misplaced guilt really. Guilt should be reserved for when we do something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. You aren't "making" him homeless, he has chosen that for himself.
Who does pay for his alcohol?
This is from another thread It's called what addicts do. Not all addicts get to this point.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
He isn't paying for anything, so first things first, if you are supporting him in any way (alcohol, food, pepsi!) that needs to stop today. Take all your food and lock it up in your room. I suspect if he can't eat there, he will wander off.
You may feel guilty, but it's misplaced guilt really. Guilt should be reserved for when we do something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. You aren't "making" him homeless, he has chosen that for himself.
Who does pay for his alcohol?
This is from another thread It's called what addicts do. Not all addicts get to this point.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
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Join Date: Oct 2022
Posts: 94
To deal with the guilt maybe think of it this way. You by letting him stay with you are giving him a soft landing, and enabling his addiction. By kicking him out and forcing homelessness you may actually be saving his life. There are always options and it is not on you that he isn't taking any of them. You have to save you (financially and emotionally) and hope that by taking the action of removing him from your home that you are in the long run doing a positive thing for him.
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