Speedmaster

Hopefully here!!!!

Hi all - Hope you are all doing well.
I'll try and keep this as brief as possible but I'll also add a bit of background and hopefully somebody can give me a bit of advice. This is the first time I've reached out and it feels a bit odd - It feels like I'm telling tales out of school.

I've been with my partner for over 10 years. We are both in our late 50s and found that we had quite a bit in common - one of which was our liking for alcohol.
Drinking was the norm for us and I must admit that when we got together, I drank a lot more than ever before. It didn't seem like a problem but I made a mental note that we were drinking quite a bit. As time progressed I found out that my partner was drinking a lot more than me and secretly drinking. I voiced my concerns and I told her that I felt she had a problem but would support her in reducing.

This fell on deaf ears and she continued to a worrying amount which led to a few falls.

A few years ago I quit drinking in the hope that it may encourage her and I felt that I could not empower her drinking.

This had no affect at all, in fact it made things worse and encouraged her to hide the amount she was drinking.

I now feel that her health is really suffering - she had a diagnosis of hemachromatosis (elevated levels of Iron in the blood), a number of cases of upset stomach, Heavy purple bruising on the forarms and loss of appetite and weight loss.

She won't go to the Doctors, She has made me swear that I won't speak to her grown up kids and the really annoying thing is that amongst her friends it is the elephant in the room that nobody wants to acknowledge.


My question is: What do I do? I love her and want to help her - do I respect her wishes to not go behind her back or create some sort of intervention and risk destroying our relationship.

Many thanks for reading all of this.

trailmix

Hi Speedmaster. I think the most important thing to know is you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c;s).

I don't know how much you know about alcoholism but you can learn a lot about it reading around the forum here. Learning for you, so you know what you are up against.

You quit drinking, she didn't. You told her she may have a problem, she didn't pause. She is now not feeling well, she continues to drink. Nothing you say will change any of that, nor anything you do probably. This is her addiction and only she can stop it.

You're in a tough spot. She needs help. I don't know how effective interventions are but it may be more of the "you can't Cure it" scenario.

Personally? I would intervene, I would tell her family. Her secret is not yours to keep in this instance and serves no one. Yes, you risk destroying your relationship, but really at this point, how much of a relationship is it? It may not be successful, she may turn on everyone (if you aren't on the drinking bandwagon you can soon enter the "enemy" camp").

Some encouragement from her family might at least have her going to rehab (she needs professional help at this point), if nothing else it would give her some time to clear her head.

Alcoholism is, generally, progressive. She will drink more, she would find it almost impossible to control her drinking at this point. Maybe for short periods of time, a few days, a week.

velma929

I've been where you are. I didn't drink a lot, but Late AH was an alcoholic when we married. I quit drinking, too. Nothing I did to set up a healthier lifestyle helped, I'm not sure he even noticed. I spent most of my marriage learning to detatch with love.

Not sure it's even relevent, but I'll offer this: I had a colleague who was abusive and dishonest. The boss dismissed it and let it go for years, and finally fired the fellow. He went completely to pieces - lost his car, tossed out by his girlfriend. Turned out he was mentally ill. By the time this was evident, he was getting electroshock therapy (yes, it's still done) and his sister took him in so he wasn't homeless. I always wondered if the outcome would have been different if the firing had come earlier on in his disease. I wondered the same about my late AH. If I had set a boundary, if I'd left, might he have seen what he had to lose. Maybe he wouldn't be with me, but the course of his life might have changed.

Speedmaster

Many thanks for the reply!! This is my thinking too - though I think it is fairly obvious that she has a problem anyway. It is surprising to me how generally, people look the other way and pretend it's not happening.

I know that my partner would be mortfied if I spoke to her close family and would probably be a deal breaker in terms of our relationship.

I was hoping to first of all get her to the doctors - as I mentioned, she suffers with Hemachromatosis and she has quite hevy bruising on her forearms (I suspect that the 2 things are associated), and that would open the door to discussion with family.

trailmix

I think that's a great idea. Perhaps her doctor can help.

I think sometimes "looking the other way" is all you can do. My Father was an alcoholic all his life. I never once had a discussion with him about his drinking. I figured it was none of my business. Really, it wasn't.

Normally I don't even talk about any kind of intervention, but from what I gather from the bit of information you have given, she is well in to alcoholism. This is kind of a make or break situation - but again, I don't know what your world is like.

I hope you are also looking out for yourself, keeping involved in things you like to do, family, friends. When there is alcoholism in the house, you can become very isolated.

I also hope you will keep posting, you need support as well. Also Al Anon meetings are a good resource.

Speedmaster

Thanks again Trailmix.
Yes, I've become very isolated from my friends and colleagues but generally, I'm ok. I just want to work out the best for her.

We've cut out meeting friends together as a group because it ends up being embarrasing.

I will definitely keep posting and reading.

S

Eddiebuckle

Speedmaster, we don't keep secrets - they keep us.

My mother in the last decade of her life was a lot like your partner, when she finally (with extreme reluctance) went to rehab she swore us to secrecy. She did not want close friends or extended family to know where she was or why. The first step in AA is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." The person the alcoholic most needs to admit to is him or herself. Until they accept that they have lost control over their drinking, they have no chance of getting sober. Keeping their secrets for them, especially the "secrets" that everyone around them know exist but will not acknowledge, allows the addiction to continue unchallenged. What you are facing is going to be difficult, emotional, and may come at a high cost, but it's the best chance she has for getting sober. Good luck, please stay in touch.

Speedmaster

Thanks Eddie - Unfortunately, my partner still sees alcohol as an essential enjoyment in life and I can't see her changing anytime soon.

The thing that shocks me the most is the attitude of others. Nobody really wants to address "The Elephant in the Room".

If I act, i'll be the bad guy and the blame will be heaped on me (I've seen this pattern beginning to form).

After giving this a lot of thought it can go one of 2 ways:

1. I speak to a couple of her close family members, she resents this and is mortified that they know the truth - effectively ending our relationship. She then moves on to a spiral of heavier drinking

2. I say nothing and attempt to manage the situation (I've been doing this for quite a few years already - as mentioned above, I quit drinking so that I wasn't empowering her drinking, though in reality, it changed very little).

As I said earlier, I do love her and our life is ok - I can see no end to her drinking but I do wish she would be honest with me.

She's not violent. She just gets very mardy and blames me for everything wrong in her life. I know instantly when she's had a drink, her mood and attitude flicks like a switch. I'm constantly on edge.

trailmix

If you tell anyone you do risk destroying the relationship, that's a risk you take - usually when you try to come between an addict and their drug of choice you enter the "enemy" camp, pretty hard to come back from, if not impossible.

Alcohol is more important to her than you, than her family and friends, than herself. It is her love.

Your choices are to try to intervene, leave and find a more contented life for yourself or

Do this for many, many more years.

Speedmaster

Thanks Trailmix.

Hard words but I know it's true

velma929

I quit drinking hoping it would encourage my husband to cut down. It had zero effect.

After he died, I was surprised at how many peole already knew he was and alcoholic.

The one thing I think of when people ask about intervention is the Dr Phil family from back in 2010 or so. He'has thrown mountains of money and therapy at the issues they have, without a positive outcome.

Speedmaster

morning Velma. I didn't know anything about Alcoholism - hell, I didn't even know if I was an alcoholic (I'm not. I quit instantly and am very happy). I didn't know abot beaviour traits but the more I read, the more rings true in my relationship.

If you don't mind me asking and please don't answe if you do: did your husband die of an alcohol related illness?

My partner now refuses to go to see the doctor - I'm sure that it is because her drinking will be uncovered. She has a few recent symptoms which make me wonder what her health is like:

• Purple bruising/marks on her forearms that were not caused by bumping into things
• loss of apetite and weight - although she looks slim and very healthy, she does NO exercise.
• I mentioned above that she has hemachromatosis but she seems cagey about telling me what the doctors have said to her - though she hasn't seen anyone in quite a while

velma929

late AH died from complications of lung cancer. Did he care less about his health because he was an alcoholic? I suppose so. He, too ate very little, I guess because he wanted to get the full effect of the alcohol, not dull the sensation with food.

is her hemochromatosis related to her drinking in some way, or does she just not care to acknowledge it? When was she diagnosed?

Speedmaster

Velma: She was diagnosed a couple of years ago. The details are very sketchy as I wasn't with her at the surgery. If I'm honest, I don't think she really cares - she just tells me that she's ok now - though I doubt that.

trailmix

You know you are right, she probably doesn't care and even if she does, her feelings and "caring" are so tampered down by alcohol, it becomes a non-issue.

But the truth is, as you know, you can't make her quit drinking and you can't make her take action. She will quit when she is ready and not a moment before.

I know that, ideally, you would like her to get help, get in to recovery and all would be well. I'm assuming you have had many discussions with her with no result.

You actually can't fix this, as much as you would like to.

So the question is, what do you want for yourself (the only person you can control).

Speedmaster

"So the question is, what do you want for yourself (the only person you can control)."

....I guess when you love someone.....

It's an interesting question and made me think. My life isn't tough because of all of this happening - I would say it is annoying and makes me angry but it's not abusive as such. Yes, socially our relationship is totally dysfunctional but at home it feels like a controlled environment - even though she is secretly drinking. The real problems come when I'm not there.

But what can I do for me?

Probably worry less and just offer support if needed. Even posting here feels like I'm doing something positive.

I think that if I were to leave, she would go from bad to worse and then I would feel that I could have done more.

trailmix

Well, truthfully, you will only leave when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving. Which may be never, or might be next year.

Notice when you answer "what can I do for me", it all relates back to her?

Her alcoholism is not yours, it's hers. It is probably, mostly, the center of your world. Alcoholism is running your life, but you're not an alcoholic. It does affect everyone, the alcoholic, friends and family, co-workers, children.

Ideally you will extricate yourself from that, without actually moving to Barbados. Start building up your own life. Maybe some guys weekends, car shows, meeting up to watch football (using male stereotypes lol), whatever interests you. Take a cooking class, learn to skateboard (or re-learn). Buy a bike.

Normally we spend a lot of time with our SO, but maybe that's not ideal here, because you are becoming isolated.

Alcoholism is progressive (in general). What your wife is drinking and how she is today may not be the same in 6 months or a year, so prepare yourself.

Maybe attend some Al Anon meetings, keep adding to your support.

Hawkeye13

Agree with Trailmix—if you will not leave, at least begin to cultivate some meaning and pleasure in your life beyond dealing with your spouse’s drinking. I also have chosen to stay with my drinking spouse, and yes, it is progressive, and yes, you can expect more and more physical and mental deterioration if she continues on her current path of addiction.

That’s why it is so critical you get some real life support in place, and something to occupy yourself physically and mentally aside from managing her addiction, which will consume all your life energy if you allow it eventually.

I sometimes have great hope when my spouse says he plans to cut back or quit, and in some ways his drinking is more managed than it used to be when he drank vodka instead of high gravity beer. The vodka was a very bad thing in the end and he actually scared himself enough to give that particular thing up, but alcohol is alcohol in whatever concentration, and it is a slow sad destruction of self and terrible to live with when you care for a person deeply.

I was a heavy alcoholic drinker too for many years but quit for myself and my family, so there is always hope. But meanwhile, live your life and find what peace and joy you can, because that you can control to a certain degree, but her drinking you cannot control at all.
Wishing you the best—keep posting as we understand what you are going through. . .

Stung

I'm so sorry you and your partner are going through this. I think posting here is an excellent first step.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic, I think he has around 8 years of sobriety, somewhere around 7 - 8 years. When he was actively drinking I made boundaries around what I would and would not accept. While he was drinking, I would not sit back and watch him harm himself with alcohol. I separated myself from him as much as I possibly could and made it very clear that I was unwilling to accept this behavior. Was it easy? No. Having clear boundaries allowed me to create a healthier environment for myself while giving my alcoholic husband the freedom to make whatever choices around his addiction that he chose. Ultimately he chose to get into recovery. It has been my experience that if there are no consequences for an addict then there are no motivators to change. Some consequences come to addicts naturally (failing health) others consequences come in the form of lost jobs, failed relationships or worse.

The question here really is, what are you willing to accept because that's the only thing you can control here.

dbyrer

Here's the thing: whatever you do is not going to change what she is going to do. But, it will make all the difference in what YOU do. Whatever you decide to do at this point, do it for yourself. You have to understand that you cannot change her, only your response. Take care of yourself and wish her the best.