JdA23

Question.....When someone sends you their resentments, do you respond? Last night I received a resentment letter from a past relationship. It was scathing, mean spirited and filled with spite. I get it, I wasn't perfect but we haven't been together in 3 years. She's moved across the country, is in another relationship and has been in the program for the past 5 years. I can't help but want to defend myself to some of the things that were said but I also understand the "Serenity" prayer. It's just every time she said she was removing a resentment it was followed up by very hurtful words. I've heard of "Cleaning your side of the street" but this was more of shoving in the sewer. I'm not sure how to respond or just leave it be since I feel she was going through Step 4 again, I just happened to be on the other end of it. I just was taken back how forward and aggressive her words were. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. - Thanks

Hawkeye13

Just let it go and don’t respond. Sounds like she’s sharpening her resentments, not removing them. In that sense, it is all about her and not you at all though it hurts.

I suggest maybe in a little while when your hurt softens a bit, and only when you are able to, holding some space and compassion for someone who is so obviously still in pain.

biminiblue

She's not supposed to be burdening you with Her resentments. She has totally missed the point of the Steps. Totally.

I hope you will find a way to let go of your resentment in this. The way I would handle this is to #1. Don't contact her. #2. Pray for her until I'm free of it.

trailmix

I probably would respond, but, I surely don't recommend it! And my response would be very short.

But I agree with hawk and bimini - letting it go is the best way to handle it. What could you say in response really anyway? If you try to "right the wrongs" she is obviously in no place to really hear you.

You know who you are, you know what you are like and what you have and haven't done, that's really all you need to know?

SparkleKitty

Pretty sure there are zero Steps where you get to vomit your resentments all over the people you have them with.

BlownOne

Biminiblue 100% correct. Your ex has totally lost the plot on that step. The idea behind it is to take responsibility for your own actions and how your own actions have contributed toward feelings of resentment. She actually took a step backwards in sending you that letter. Toss it and forget it.

edoering

So, this is not steps related, but I did send a delayed text to my ex that was very upfront about my hurts and anger.

I’m not saying this was your partner’s case, but I never really got mad at my addict-ex when he left me because I was still trying to hold our life together and protect him from the damage he was doing to all of us. It took me a long time before I started was ready to be angry. Even longer before I was ready to let him know I was angry. We were already no contact, but it held me back, always feeling like I never spoke up for myself and he never knew how deeply he hurt me.

When I was finally ready, I sent that. And I didn’t expect a response, because I knew I wasn’t doing it to get a reaction from him, it was 100% for me. For once, I didn’t worry if it would “upset him,” I focused on myself and what I needed to move on. For me, this was a huge step, I felt tons lighter, and I felt very freed. It was kind of a “final step” I needed to take to internally distance myself, even though I’d been externally distancing myself for a while.

That’s just to give a possible different point of view! And to also agree, whether for healthy reasons or unhealthy reasons, this sounds like it was something your ex did for themselves, without considering you. I don’t think you have an obligation to respond, only to likewise do whatever is best for you.

JdA23

Thank you everyone for your input. I believe it is all sound advice and as much as I want confront her, I will leave her be. Although, last June we made our amends to each other(but as @edoering stated "It was kind of a “final step” I needed to take to internally distance myself, even though I’d been externally distancing myself for a while.") I can't help feel that's what her letter was. I hope she finds the peace she's looking for. Thanks again for the advice