FWN

So my exAH finished rehab mid-December thinking he checked some box with me (I did it! I'm better! he says). He's not better. His mom told me just the other day that she doesn't think he's back to getting drunk but she knows she's called him recently and she thinks he's having A cocktail with his new girlfriend (did I mention he has a new girlfriend? She got out of rehab the same day did and they literally have not left each others sides since...............). Seems she's also an alcoholic and was in rehab to get her depression meds right. None of this he told me of course, he said he met her at grad school. I'm just close with his mom and she told me.

Anyway, I'm wanting to revise the divorce decree to add in a step up program to put a barrier between my ex and my kids. It just says he needs to do soberlink for 365 days straight plus random drugs tests and if he proves to me he's sober and builts my trust that way (he says hes sober yet he's having a cocktail with his girlfriend?) then I'll allow him to work towards a regular custody situation. He doesn't have them right now and hasn't asked for them, but he does call occasionally and wants to see them when they're with his divorced parents (separately).

I told him this weekend that he needs to agree to my terms or I'm starting the process with my lawyer. He told me and his mom that I'm trying to ruin his life and that I'm treating him like a caged animal. I'm just wanting to protect myself and my kids from his insanity. I know it may seem controlling to many of you, but my exAH has LITERALLY gone INSANE this past year from the drinking. Even when he's not drinking, the alcohol affects his body, his sleep, his mind, and it spills over into his every day life and I just cannot allow him to be around my kids influencing them with his insanity. I will put up a HUGE legal fight pulling out all the stops. But I guess his thing is he's not even asking for what's on paper right now. 1/3/5. I'm just trying to protect myself from that crazy person that's in there that I know will come out in just a matter of time since I know he's not seeking recovery. I keep asking my boyfriend, can't he just go away?! When he's silent and leaves us alone things are peaceful but when stuff like this comes up it somewhat consumes me like I'm trying to solve this problem that just cannot be solved.

I'm just posting for comfort and advice because I feel like some of you guys know me and can help me find my center.

Bekindalways

Ugh. It sure doesn't sound like the rehab "took" in any meaningful way. I'm sorry.

It is probably wise to get sober link in place if you possibly can.

Keep taking that next right step and focusing on the things you can do.

trailmix

I'm a bit confused the agreement says soberlink for 365 days from when, from when you separated a couple of years ago? He hasn't been having visitation alone, but when he's with one of his parents and the kids, is he being tested? Or perhaps it's 365 days in a row starting - when you both decide?

I think this situation is of the more will be revealed variety. If he is drinking, he will probably continue to do so and be right back where he was in no time (unfortunately).

This may not ever actually be a problem, but I can certainly see how you would react, given his history and very recent behaviour.

FWN

No, my thought was if he wants to build back my trust and earn access to the kids the way the current divorce decree states (every 1/3/5 weekend) then he needs to do 365 days of soberlink to prove to me he really wants to change and I can trust him that he doesn't want to drink anymore. Plus drug tests. And if he fails, the 365 days requirement starts over at 1.

He assured me after rehab that he'd changed and that he wanted his life back, he wanted to be a dad to the kids, have a house and job and be a part of their lives. Which is why I needed this barrier because I don't know how else to build trust. As the current divorce decree stands, he has 'rights' to have the kids every 1/3/5 weekend and on Thursday nights and it just freaks me out to think if he got in a mood (he's never done this) he could demand the children.

Soberlink was already built into our original decree but he said he didnt want the government knowing his business ~eye roll~ so he only sent me photos of his breathalyzer every night showing 0 in front of a clock when he had the kids (been over a year).

I guess I'm just paranoid. Drunk or not, alcohol affects his every day interactions and makes him a literal lunatic, his thoughts and words don't make sense and he has bi polar tendencies and it scares me and I don't know what he's capable of.

trailmix

No, you're not paranoid, your concerns are not baseless.

He lied about where he met his girlfriend, he is probably lying about not drinking and the whole anti depressant story is pretty sketchy. So - he lies.

I agree about the soberlink. I would insist on a real test though, no clocks.

Hawkeye13

I agree about the real soberlink, but I suspect that he and the new girlfriend will quickly get back to full time drinking, and he will have less interest than ever in seeing the kids. If he demands it for some reason, it is always supervised by his parents, who may be able to ally with you in not exposing them to him drunk or drinking? Time, sadly, may solve this for you since he sounds like he is already sliding down the slope again.

Main point is by fighting now, will that make him angry enough to push back and start demanding kids when maybe waiting carefully a little longer he will get distracted and back into his drinking world?

FWN

Thanks guys. Hawkeye, I'm not worried about him demanding anything from me (and actually following through). So far he's been all bark and no bite. Almost like he thinks he gets some dad points by saying he wants to spend time with the kids and calling on occasion to tell them they can 'call me anytime I'll always be available, I think about you every second of every minute of every day and I'll make my way back to you' BS, All words and no actions, just like when we were married. Except thank the Lord, we aren't married anymore.

I told him he's got to have Soberlink set up by the end of February or I'm moving forward with the custody change (he wants me to wait until April until he's finished his MBA so I'm giving him that time, on the one condition he gets Soberlink set up). His mom is keeping my kiddos for a trip I'm going on in March and I know he's going to try to come see them then and I don't want to put his mom in a bad position. So. We'll see what happens.